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Posted

I am planning on asking my girlfriend to marry me this coming weekend. We are both in our thirties and are very much in love and have told each other we want to spend the rest of our lives togeher.

 

We have both been married and divorced. I have two children that she loves and they love her.

 

While at this stage of adulthood (we are not kids anymore) and having both already done this, should I ask he parents for their approval? Her mother is a very sweet woman. Her father is a traditional guy, a little rough around the edges, but overall a nice guy.

 

If I ask for their approval, should i just stop over their house unannounced or should I messgae her mother asking if I can stop by? If I do that, they are going to know why I coming over (without my girlfriend) before I even get there.

Posted

This is an outdated tradition. You don't need to asks third party if its okay for you to choose to marry their daughter.

  • Like 3
Posted

While at this stage of adulthood (we are not kids anymore) and having both already done this, should I ask he parents for their approval? Her mother is a very sweet woman. Her father is a traditional guy, a little rough around the edges, but overall a nice guy.

No, please don't. It's old fashioned and perhaps for first time marrieds if they must. You have both passed that stage.

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Posted

I had my fiancé ask my dad just because it was cute. My dad is 91, and in assisted living. Not too much exciting going on there!

 

Now, had he said 'no', we'd have done it anyway, so.....

 

What if you ask and they say no?

Posted

certainly not required. Good luck to you:)

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Posted

You could but if both of you have already been married before then what's the point?

If a man was proposing, I wouldn't want him asking my father but rather informing him about it after he promises to me. See the difference!!!

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Posted

Really awkward and unneccessary, in my view.

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  • Author
Posted

Thanks All! I think that answers that. I guess I just felt because he is a real traditional guy, that it was necessary. And like a few have you have said...what's the point? If we want to do this, we are going to do it anyways.

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Posted

If I were the dad, I'd probably crack up laughing. But I'd probably be a little touched, too.

 

Definitely not necessary, but I don't think doing so would necessarily be a mistake, either.

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Posted

Because you have both been married before, I think you can skip it.

 

However, since dad is traditional it wouldn't hurt to ask for their blessing. I was married in my 40s but my father's feelings were hurt because my husband didn't speak to him before proposing. It was my 1st marriage. Dad was very traditional & old fashioned. To him that ritual was something he had been looking forward to in connection with his baby girl getting married (even though I was a middle aged woman)

Posted (edited)

If it's something she or her family would appreciate, then you can do it. If it won't matter to them or her then don't. Does it matter a lot to you?

 

My brother asked his wife's parents. In their context it was expected and appreciated. As for what is outdated or not, I mean many things in our world are strictly ceremonial or simply a part of certain cultural norms or etiquette that lack any real function, yet people engage in these behaviors/rituals anyway, so I don't see the difference between this and any other one. If most of us examine our lives we will find many things that we do ritualistically that can be done away with technically but for whatever reason we still do them and they provide some meaning for us.

 

What matters is if those directly involved feel it valuable and if it will be something meaningful in your specific situation, and if it will be meaningful for you all then do it, if not don't. Even a wedding itself, some people feel it unnecessary, which is their right, and they need not do it if in their context it makes no sense, but for example, for me, it is important to have that ritual. I don't need a man to ask my parents' permission, in my context that specific tradition would be weird, but for some other people, like my SIL, it was perfectly within reason....so do what makes sense and will foster the best feelings in your situation.

Edited by MissBee
Posted

As long as you are being so traditional, you should ask for a dowery too.

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  • Author
Posted
As long as you are being so traditional, you should ask for a dowery too.

 

Seriously!?!

Posted
Seriously!?!

 

No. He *meant* 'dowry'.

 

;)

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Posted
Seriously!?!

 

No, I used the dowry suggestion to show that asking the father for his daughter's hand (particularly a 30s divorcee) is outdated and need not (should not?) be done anymore.

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Posted (edited)
No, I used the dowry suggestion to show that asking the father for his daughter's hand (particularly a 30s divorcee) is outdated and need not (should not?) be done anymore.
Indeed. I don't belong to my father. I'm my own self and capable of making adult decisions. Edited by dragon_fly_7
Posted
I am planning on asking my girlfriend to marry me this coming weekend. We are both in our thirties and are very much in love and have told each other we want to spend the rest of our lives togeher.

 

We have both been married and divorced. I have two children that she loves and they love her.

 

While at this stage of adulthood (we are not kids anymore) and having both already done this, should I ask he parents for their approval? Her mother is a very sweet woman. Her father is a traditional guy, a little rough around the edges, but overall a nice guy.

 

If I ask for their approval, should i just stop over their house unannounced or should I messgae her mother asking if I can stop by? If I do that, they are going to know why I coming over (without my girlfriend) before I even get there.

 

Congrats on your future engagement.

 

It's not essential, but me personally, I reckon it's a sweet tradition and they will appreciate it. I'd love it if a guy did that. Go for it and good luck.

Posted

Instead of asking for permission, it's not a bad idea to ask for their blessing in a firm "we are doing this either way" sort of tone. It says, we are adults, but still honors the parents which will help establish a good relationship with the parents with healthy boundaries.

  • Like 3
Posted

Dude, if you want to do it, you think they'd like it if you did it and your girl would like you to do it, do it.

 

It shows respect.

 

You're going to marry her no matter what they say, right, so it's really just a nicety, a formality, tradition, whatever you want to call it.

 

I'm sure the old man will say 'if you hurt my daughter I'll kill you…' but hey, that's just traditional too!

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