Monodare1 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Hi guys Another one from me. After almost 9 months since the ex and I seperated (and 4 months since the ex met her new "boyfriend"), I an starting to feel ready to dip my toe in the dating pool. I joined an online dating site and have had some interest. The thing is, although I feel rerady to date, I really want to take things slowly as I have a house to sell and an impending divorce coming in a few months. I need the fun and frivolity of dating but need to make the girl aware that although I may be interested, that I have a lot on. Whats the best way to do this?
dumped2013 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I had a friend set me up with her neighbor. I told her the first night that I'm not looking for a girlfriend or a relationship just someone to hang out with and have a good time. I also told her that I was 6 months post divorce and was not ready for anything yet. She said that was all good but women don't understand and she wanted to come over every weekend and stay. I put a stop to it and she got pissed off. I have had a month break and she is coming over Saturday to cook dinner. We will see what happens......
amaysngrace Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 When will your divorce be finalized? I'm of the opinion that it's probably best to close one chapter of your life before opening a new one. Finalizing a divorce is arduous. Are you sure you want to go through that with a person you hardly know? What if you end up really liking her but she stops liking you because your life is just too much to deal with? Or are you looking for someone to lean on? Is that your plan?
Author Monodare1 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Chances are my divorce should commence June and be finalised in September or October. I don't want someone to lean on, my life since the separation has been pretty heavy and I need some fun (not just in a sexual way). I feel a tad lonely and I enjoy female company. The ex met someone 5 months after we split up and aside from the fact it hurt, I did feel it was way too soon for her especially as my little 3 year old son lives with her. I feel I've done well to avoid getting into dating for almost a year, that's why I will be advising any potential date from the beginning that I am looking to sell my house/get divorced/get my own place and that if the are interested in me, that my son and I are a package. That way I give them the opportunity to back out. I have advised on the dating site that I am separated so that I don't give any false impressions.
Movingforward2 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Mono, In the same boat. Actually asked someone out, then she cancelled the day of, and I was totally relieved cause I found myself "not ready" to date yet. I talk and text to plenty of women, I'm just not ready to get into anything like that. I think my XW had the same thing happen. She joined a site, went on a date or 2, and then freaked out. She told me straight up about it, and I have no idea why. My situation just gets weirder by the day. I've pretty much waited until she moved on, for me to move on, now she is stuck in neutral, I'm ready to move on, then I'm back at neutral. When does this mind____ end? I'm lonely as well, and can literally go out on dates and choose not to. I can't even begin to explain it.
carhill Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Plenty of opportunities to enjoy social fun and the company of women without dating. IMO, wait until the lawsuit is actually *filed* and see how you feel then about dating. Divorce is a process and each one is different and no two people are alike. If you had filed the lawsuit already, mediated it out and were waiting for a court date/cooling off-period, then my opinion might be different but seeing as how you haven't even filed yet, no rush. File, then see how it goes. Also, if you're honest about your marital status, you may get some hesitation from women. A lot depends on your demographic and age group. Around here, women have their choice of men so separated and recently divorced men are, all else being equal, lower on the totem pole. YMMV on that part. Just beware and, IMO, be honest if you choose to date. Good luck and hope the divorce goes smoothly. IME, even under the best of circumstances, there can be bumps!
central Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 There are no real rules - whatever works best for you AND whoever is okay dating you in your circumstances. Do be honest, try online dating, and put your goal as casual dating or similar. Sure, thousands of women won't want to date you, but there are thousands of others who would, and many are also separated. Just try to avoid cheaters who are lying about moving towards divorce and still live with their spouse, and you'll probably be fine.
Dogberry Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I dated before i was divorced, i have just finalised my divorce and have been with a wonderful woman for over a year. These things are painful and take longer than expected, her support was vital and really helped me through it. I say go for it and dont miss out 1
road Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Married people do not date. Until divorced you are still married. Best to wait.
Author Monodare1 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 My stbxw has already moved on 4 months ago and is seeing someone and introduced my little boy to him, why should I martyr myself while she gets on with her life?
Movingforward2 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I say go for it, and forget the whole "you are married" part. You aren't married and won't be anytime soon. Get on with your life. It won't hurt you anymore that you already are. I'm in the same boat and find myself stuck in neutral, and wish I would take my own advice.
Author Monodare1 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 I agree with moving forward. My stbxw has moved on, my son has stayed over in the new guys house, meanwhile I'm single, and getting my nose rubbed in it. In starting to find women attractive again and am enjoying flirting again, surley there is no harm in sipping my toe in the water, in not looking for a replacement wife, I'm just craving some fun!
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Why is her dating someone "rubbing your nose in it"? Oh that's right...because she's still married to you... Do what you'd like though. It's your life. Not sure why you'd ask about rules if you just want to do what you want anyway. Personally I would never be with a still married separated soon to be divorced guy with a kid but good luck with whoever you find that will. 1
Movingforward2 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Why is her dating someone "rubbing your nose in it"? Oh that's right...because she's still married to you... Do what you'd like though. It's your life. Not sure why you'd ask about rules if you just want to do what you want anyway. Personally I would never be with a still married separated soon to be divorced guy with a kid but good luck with whoever you find that will. Because she smashed his heart and went and dated someone else. His kid is hanging out with someone else. The actual filing of the divorce, like mine, wasn't this guy's fault and it has taken some deep soul searching to figure it out. XW has moved on, why shouldn't he? There are women that like "good guys"........just have to find them. Good guys usually finish last. 1
Author Monodare1 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Equality of the sex's then amazing grace, it's fine for my stbxw to meet a new guy after only 5 months separated with a further 7 months to go before we can legally divorce in the uk, but I being male must wait the full year and have my son tell me about how he has stayed at the exs boyfriends house and have the ex ask me to pay her boyfriends dad to paint my house? Very equal. Plenty of guys out there willing to date a still married woman, why can't women date us guys? I fail to see your logic?
carhill Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 OP, people cheat on their partners, date while separated, live with someone else before divorced (my exW did that), essentially do whatever they want to. For the most part, there are no civil nor criminal sanctions to such social activities so, if you want to date, now or ever, you're free and empowered to do so. With that in mind, one ground rule: Honesty with your dating partners. No, you don't have to be honest; no one ever *has* to be honest. Use your own judgment. Explain your activities to your son in age-appropriate terms. In the final analysis, it is your decision and your responsibility. All we can do is provide some anecdotes of our own life experiences and suggestions. The rest is up to you. 1
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Equality of the sex's then amazing grace, it's fine for my stbxw to meet a new guy after only 5 months separated with a further 7 months to go before we can legally divorce in the uk, but I being male must wait the full year and have my son tell me about how he has stayed at the exs boyfriends house and have the ex ask me to pay her boyfriends dad to paint my house? Very equal. Plenty of guys out there willing to date a still married woman, why can't women date us guys? I fail to see your logic? If she is "rubbing your nose in it" like you say then you're too emotional to date in my opinion. She is able to get a rise out of you when it comes to her having a boyfriend. You should really be a little more emotionally detached before you start dating or you may throw out a bad vibe. Especially if you're on the "life's not fair" road. That's a major turnoff.
Tayla Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I think that Amaysngrace is simply saying that usually a womens perspective in dating a soon to be divorced guy is A: He really isnt "over" the relation and B: He is really no where near ready (despite his insistances otherwise). I have found thru my dating times both the divorcee's type and separated type that there really is a huge difference in how they matured or changed thru it all. My rule of thumb is to never be the rebound gal to a recent divorcee so I keep the banter light and supportive, yet rarely invest too much. Most times they just want an objective view on things or guidance in how to move on. If they are looking for an intimate side, then I ask them to move along.... So take it for what its worth......You may well be a fine catch...Yet I would ask you to take the time to explore independent living with only a few tinkets of emotional baggage left.
Author Monodare1 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 Hi As said before, I'm not looking for a full on, full throttle relationship. I'm looking for the fun, frothy excitement of dating to build up my confidence. I've made it plain on the dating site that I'm separated but defo going to be single and that in looking for some good (non seedy) fun. I'm ready to have fun and have a laugh. My divorce is now an inevitability. The ex has a boyfriend and I feel that I need to rejoin the world. I've done my mourning and to be honest, looking back I'm better out of the marriage given the way she has been since the separation.
oldshirt Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Hi As said before, I'm not looking for a full on, full throttle relationship. I'm looking for the fun, frothy excitement of dating to build up my confidence. I've made it plain on the dating site that I'm separated but defo going to be single and that in looking for some good (non seedy) fun. I'm ready to have fun and have a laugh. My divorce is now an inevitability. The ex has a boyfriend and I feel that I need to rejoin the world. I've done my mourning and to be honest, looking back I'm better out of the marriage given the way she has been since the separation. Don't let the naysayers get you down. You are perfectly normal and perfectly within your right to move on with your life and what us Yanks call the pursuit of happiness. Sometimes all a divorce is is the court getting caught up and getting the paperwork caught up to what the couple and their friends and family have already known for a long long time - that the marriage is over. As long as you are upfront that the paper Chase of the divorce isn't over and as long as you understand that there will be a few people that will decline that situation, you will be fine. If the laws in your area are that a divorce can't be final for a year, then people understand that sometimes it's just court issue and paperwork issue. Some purists and moralists will have an issue about any kind of dating untill the ink on the final divorce decree is is dry. If they want to put their lives on hold for a year, that's their business. The other 95 % of the popular understands. Some gals will defer untill the the final decree is signed, don't worry about them. Some others won't care at all. 1
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