First day of NC after 7 years and my engagement ended...I started writing about it.

[Jiivy]

I posted up here a week ago, when my fiancée broke to me that she didn't love me any more, she thinks she needs to move on and may already have someone else in her life.

 

We had 7 years together and it was the only relationship either of us have ever had - to my mind I understand and a few years ago had doubts about whether it was right too (but worked it out with her).

 

I'm still utterly heart broken but understand that desperately reaching out to her is no good. I'm working over the constant feeling that she'll realise just what she's missing and come back - and actually if I could ever trust her again having hurt me so badly.

 

So I started writing a blog about it to try and document our relationship. Hopefully I'll be able to get writing about how I'm feeling each day as a way to help myself cope.

 

The road. | A record of coping for lost relationships

 

Is this a good way to cope at all? What do you feel about this blog so far and should I continue? Yesterday was the first day of NC since she left me now. I'm completely torn and need to find the strength to keep going.

[David87]

Yes it's a good thing that you write your thoughts and feelings as long as you don't contact her.

[Jiivy]

Yes it's a good thing that you write your thoughts and feelings as long as you don't contact her.

 

it's not going to be long until the 2 day mark hits now. I took one look and saw she'd been celebrating with her friends over the weekend on Facebook.

 

Why the f**k am I torturing myself with that? I blocked and removed her from that. I want nothing more than for her to come back, but I know that punishing myself with a feed in to her life is unbelievably destructive.

 

She's going to have to live with what she's done to me. The sad thing is that I don't think she'll ever understand just how deeply she cut my trust in others away. I won't be in a relationship again any time soon. Maybe that's ok - because I don't need one. I'm going to keep writing my story and hoping that it helps.

[Chi townD]

Celebrating the end of your relationship? Yeah, that's in poor taste if that's the case.

[StubbornSam]

You came to the right place. I wasn't engaged but I too was in a 7 year relationship. You should read that post as well. Women are harsh, cruel and mysterious creatures. Don't keep your hopes up, you're right, she could never be trusted again. They usually leave you when they find someone they think is better. Be the bigger person now. That's very important.

 

It wouldn't be healthy for you to be in a relationship now. You're too hurt and confused. Keep up the NC, it's hard as hell, but it's an extreme must.

[Jiivy]

You came to the right place. I wasn't engaged but I too was in a 7 year relationship. You should read that post as well. Women are harsh, cruel and mysterious creatures. Don't keep your hopes up, you're right, she could never be trusted again. They usually leave you when they find someone they think is better. Be the bigger person now. That's very important.

 

It wouldn't be healthy for you to be in a relationship now. You're too hurt and confused. Keep up the NC, it's hard as hell, but it's an extreme must.

 

I have a very powerful history with her I suppose. I've been writing it at some pace, you should take the time to read it:

 

The road. | A record of coping for lost relationships

 

Right now I feel as though I can maintain NC. I have the support of you on the forum and the knowledge that this is not my fault.

 

I suppose what I'm yet to reconcile is the potential come back. I want her to break that NC. I want that magical sentance to come down the line asking for me to forgive her and I want to give her that chance to show she's sorry.

 

It's not healthy, it's really quite unlikely too. I suppose I'm going to take it one day at a time and learn to cope with it. Maybe even some day accept it - but that's not going to be today.

[StubbornSam]

I hear you man, I feel the same way, even though my ex is with another guy, it's normal to have that hope. I want her to apologize, and I want to reciprocate that back. What I'm realizing though, is that nothing they say will be true now. They crossed that line already, there's no going back.

[Jiivy]

It's already been 4 days of NC. In 7 years we've never had 4 days of NC.

 

I've slept very little, eaten even less and spent all my time vomiting my emotional state to those around me or you amazing people on this forum. THANK YOU for being here to read me.

 

She had made plans to go away with a mutual friend to get her head down, study & have a think about herself (she has exams soon). She's away now and I guess knowing that she's with someone I trust, who will help her focus on the right things and prepare for her exams comforts me...

 

It's still a joke - she's utterly destroyed me and I can't help but be glad she's getting support and time with our friend! I genuinely care about her wellbeing and kind of feel I shouldn't.

 

It's so tempting to contact her or check her Fb. I unfriended her 2 days ago to remove the temptation and packed up all her things in to a box. I want to move forward, I want to know that she's missing me or at least that she gave a **** at all about our relationship.

 

I know I don't deserve to be strung along by someone who can't decide what they want. I was always good to her...I guess I feel my NC so far is really just a waiting game. Reading the posts on GIGS just tempts me to believe she'll be back...what can I do to get out of this space?

Edited March 13, 2014 by Jiivy
can't spell

[Chi townD]

Just take it one day at a time. Get through today without contacting her. Tomorrow, when you wake up, the temptation might not be so bad. So, just take NC a day at a time.

[somecamel]

It's already been 4 days of NC. In 7 years we've never had 4 days of NC.

 

The first few days are like death

 

I've slept very little, eaten even less and spent all my time vomiting my emotional state to those around me or you amazing people on this forum. THANK YOU for being here to read me.

 

This is all part of the process my friend, I still wake up sometimes at 4am and can't get back to sleep, it's bloody her in my mind that does it.

 

This will pass. Vent on here as much as you can and try and lead an ordinary 'Real Life', it won't be long before the people you felt you could talk to have had enough of listening to you, that's what we're here for.

 

 

She had made plans to go away with a mutual friend to get her head down, study & have a think about herself (she has exams soon). She's away now and I guess knowing that she's with someone I trust, who will help her focus on the right things and prepare for her exams comforts me...

 

I don't really want to be the one to say this but I feel like you still have your eyes somewhat closed about the whole situation, Probably denial.

 

I had a look back at some of your old posts and you mentioned that a close friend (I'm assuming in France) made a move, is this the mutual friend that's gone away with, how mutual are they?

 

You're aiming for acceptance in all this so please take off those rose tinted glasses and perhaps see this for what it is, she met someone else.

 

I may be wrong and I don't mean to upset you in anyway but please look at this objectively.

 

I had the same thing happen to me, the ex went off with her ex before me who was now a 'friend'.

 

 

It's still a joke - she's utterly destroyed me and I can't help but be glad she's getting support and time with our friend! I genuinely care about her wellbeing and kind of feel I shouldn't.

 

Once you accept what has really happened, you can start to deal with it, it's going to hurt like hell, it really is but the pain wont last forever.

 

It's so tempting to contact her or check her Fb. I unfriended her 2 days ago to remove the temptation and packed up all her things in to a box. I want to move forward, I want to know that she's missing me or at least that she gave a **** at all about our relationship.

 

Make sure you also block her, this removes her from your searches in weak moments and also stops her from seeing you even exist on facebook.

 

I know I don't deserve to be strung along by someone who can't decide what they want. I was always good to her...I guess I feel my NC so far is really just a waiting game. Reading the posts on GIGS just tempts me to believe she'll be back...what can I do to get out of this space?

 

This is called false hope, I'm not being negative I'm being a realist. You need to work on you now, you are the most important person in your life and you are in charge of what happens next.

 

I was also with my ex for 7 years odd and in that time your life's become intertwined and it's really difficult to accept that they have gone.

 

Suck up all the advice you've been given and give advice to others, this will also help you to understand yourself better.

 

To finish off have a listen to this song

 

[Jiivy]

This is called false hope, I'm not being negative I'm being a realist. You need to work on you now, you are the most important person in your life and you are in charge of what happens next.

 

I was also with my ex for 7 years odd and in that time your life's become intertwined and it's really difficult to accept that they have gone.

 

Suck up all the advice you've been given and give advice to others, this will also help you to understand yourself better.

 

To finish off have a listen to this song

 

 

She's gone away with a gay friend of hers I've known for many years. The first time I met her gay friend, we spoke of her and I could tell that he loved her like a sister. I trust that he gives her the right council.

 

This is absolutely not the guy she said she's met - but she's still met someone else and I know who they are and how they met. I cannot see what happens in her life any more and I refuse to torture myself by looking.

 

My younger brother has talked to me and explained his experience was disturbingly similar - his ex acted very much in the same way, she even looked the same...and she left him too. He's moved on from it but it took him years.

 

I've a feeling that LS is going to be seeing me a while. I'm going to keep venting, healing and I think one day sticking around and helping. I owe you all my sanity right now. I really do.

[somecamel]

She's gone away with a gay friend of hers I've known for many years. The first time I met her gay friend, we spoke of her and I could tell that he loved her like a sister. I trust that he gives her the right council.

 

This is absolutely not the guy she said she's met - but she's still met someone else and I know who they are and how they met. I cannot see what happens in her life any more and I refuse to torture myself by looking.

 

My younger brother has talked to me and explained his experience was disturbingly similar - his ex acted very much in the same way, she even looked the same...and she left him too. He's moved on from it but it took him years.

 

I've a feeling that LS is going to be seeing me a while. I'm going to keep venting, healing and I think one day sticking around and helping. I owe you all my sanity right now. I really do.

 

LS done the same for me, I was in a dark place.

 

It really does help to let it all out sometimes

[Jiivy]

LS done the same for me, I was in a dark place.

 

It really does help to let it all out sometimes

 

I spoke to the friend that actually introduced us 7 years ago - we spoke all through the night. He really helped me to open my eyes.

 

 

In relationships, we identify people we relate to, that we feel we can gain from, give to and grow with. 7 years ago, my Rose found that in me. Now she's at a crossroads where she doesn't know what to do in her life. She's always been a writer (and is an English postgrad) but never had the courage to take that scary step from learning to...well, doing. To finish her education, to sit down in front of paper and write for a living knowing all of the practical challenges that can bring.

 

I on the other hand, sacked up when it was my time. I set out my plan and gave it my absolute determination. I want to be carpenter but I also want to see the world and have a good quality of life. I'm currently an investment banker and would love to work, travel with my work, see the world hand-in-hand with her (as would she) and later in life when we're ready, settle, marry, have children, and build woodcraft the way I always wanted. She was always a part of that goal, part of some of that compromise because relationships are give and take - I could have accelerated my travelling around the world or taken a job in America, but I chose to follow the same path with a specific Bank that offered me an opportunity that started in Paris…I chose to be disowned by my family for the chance to live with her. I chose to try for a job not far from her where we could be together before we hit out travelling. I had made the firm decision that my faith was in her...I'd stick with it, come highs or lows, I'd be her companion.

 

 

But she had two choices. I really believe that she did...she wasn't forced to leave, she didn't even have to.

 

1) Look to me, her lover of 7 years, who she has grown with. I have become the inspiration she could draw from to take that scary step out in to the world despite all of the challenges. She could take my hand and give to me the faith I had faultlessly demonstrated for her time and time again. She could work it out with me, together, and whatever the outcome of choice in career know that she was loved and safe. She could trust herself without condition.

 

2) She could fall in to the arms of the writer that she met 6 months back, who saw her trapped and confused. Instead of drawing her to the support of her lover, lured her away.

. A tragic, lost boy who found himself on the same creative journey as she. She could take the chance to search for herself in his own struggle and yes, as of today identify herself with him more specifically than I can…but having no idea what his outcome would be, how he would treat her in the face of his adversity or truly how her path was even meant to be should she decide that writing was not for her. She could chose to pursue a man she saw her own struggle in today, with no regard for the lessons of the struggles of yesterday or the struggle of tomorrow.

 

 

I guess she chose 2. Honestly? I thought better of her - but if she's so drawn to that damaged, tragic lifestyle of limbo then so be I sincerely hope that in him she at least answers the questions she’s looking for,…because I came to the conclusion that someone who can't demonstrate that kind of trust in me, to just throw it away for a shallow roll with someone who speaks not to her, but only to her situation, doesn't even in the slightest deserve to be with me. I am better than that. I deserve better than that.

 

We all have a crisis of direction. I had mine and we worked together. I trusted her in my uncertainty and I grew. It's obvious that she's not willing to let herself in with me.

 

 

I feel like I can start moving forward. It hurts, I won't be able to trust someone for some time...but it's now clear that she's not the person I thought she would be. Who she is right now? I don't love her anymore.

 

NC is going to be much easier from today. From today NC is about making love for me.

Edited March 14, 2014 by Jiivy

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I spoke to the friend that actually introduced us 7 years ago - we spoke all through the night. He really helped me to open my eyes.

 

 

In relationships, we identify people we relate to, that we feel we can gain from, give to and grow with. 7 years ago, my Rose found that in me. Now she's at a crossroads where she doesn't know what to do in her life. She's always been a writer (and is an English postgrad) but never had the courage to take that scary step from learning to...well, doing. To finish her education, to sit down in front of paper and write for a living knowing all of the practical challenges that can bring.

 

I on the other hand, sacked up when it was my time. I set out my plan and gave it my absolute determination. I want to be carpenter but I also want to see the world and have a good quality of life. I'm currently an investment banker and would love to work, travel with my work, see the world hand-in-hand with her (as would she) and later in life when we're ready, settle, marry, have children, and build woodcraft the way I always wanted. She was always a part of that goal, part of some of that compromise because relationships are give and take - I could have accelerated my travelling around the world or taken a job in America, but I chose to follow the same path with a specific Bank that offered me an opportunity that started in Paris…I chose to be disowned by my family for the chance to live with her. I chose to try for a job not far from her where we could be together before we hit out travelling. I had made the firm decision that my faith was in her...I'd stick with it, come highs or lows, I'd be her companion.

 

 

But she had two choices. I really believe that she did...she wasn't forced to leave, she didn't even have to.

 

1) Look to me, her lover of 7 years, who she has grown with. I have become the inspiration she could draw from to take that scary step out in to the world despite all of the challenges. She could take my hand and give to me the faith I had faultlessly demonstrated for her time and time again. She could work it out with me, together, and whatever the outcome of choice in career know that she was loved and safe. She could trust herself without condition.

 

2) She could fall in to the arms of the writer that she met 6 months back, who saw her trapped and confused. Instead of drawing her to the support of her lover, lured her away.

. A tragic, lost boy who found himself on the same creative journey as she. She could take the chance to search for herself in his own struggle and yes, as of today identify herself with him more specifically than I can…but having no idea what his outcome would be, how he would treat her in the face of his adversity or truly how her path was even meant to be should she decide that writing was not for her. She could chose to pursue a man she saw her own struggle in today, with no regard for the lessons of the struggles of yesterday or the struggle of tomorrow.

 

 

I guess she chose 2. Honestly? I thought better of her - but if she's so drawn to that damaged, tragic lifestyle of limbo then so be I sincerely hope that in him she at least answers the questions she’s looking for,…because I came to the conclusion that someone who can't demonstrate that kind of trust in me, to just throw it away for a shallow roll with someone who speaks not to her, but only to her situation, doesn't even in the slightest deserve to be with me. I am better than that. I deserve better than that.

 

We all have a crisis of direction. I had mine and we worked together. I trusted her in my uncertainty and I grew. It's obvious that she's not willing to let herself in with me.

 

 

I feel like I can start moving forward. It hurts, I won't be able to trust someone for some time...but it's now clear that she's not the person I thought she would be. Who she is right now? I don't love her anymore.

 

NC is going to be much easier from today. From today NC is about making love for me.

 

I really like where your head is at with this!

 

It's a hard road man. Bumps happen and will continue to happen. Just keep moving forward and post here when you feel like crap.

 

We live once...don't waste days in self pity. Go out and live.