daizy Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Things between me and this guy I've been seeing for 4 months is pretty complicated. I noticed a drift/distance between us lately, he wasn't keeping in touch as much, our hang outs became a lot more last minute. I thought it was because he was dealing with a lot stress in his life but I couldn't help but take it personal too. We had some small fights here and there that might've caused some tension. Most the fights were out of insecurity or jealousy. So yesterday we were hanging out, had sex, and suddenly my mood completely changed and I felt distant. I was questioning why I was even there, what we were doing, if he even liked me.. he sensed the tension and got me talking, he even knew a conversation was definitely needed between us. We ended up having a really healthy and mature talk which he said he's never done before and he felt really good about it. For the most part we want the same thing: to date exclusively, and that we still make each other happy. But some things that were said make me wonder... 1. We both feel things are right when we're together but not so much when we're apart (i think he feels that more than I do though). 2. He said at times he'd question if I was the right girl for him (if I'm being honest I've questioned the same thing, but it just hurts to hear it) 3. We're both afraid of relationships, and disappointments, and don't want to hurt each other. 4. We both agreed that "sparks are fading" but feelings are not, and we both think that's normal 5. He's only dated one other person and they had a complicated relationship, so he says he's really bad at this dating thing 6. We thought putting a label on us added a bit of pressure, but agreed it shouldn't. A combination of all this makes it hard for me to totally trust him and invest emotionally but I feel like he's there, but not all there, understandably not everyone knows what they want but I just don't want to get hurt. He said what he likes is that I'm genuinely nice, (nicer than he is), and he wants to strive to be a better person, and thinks I'm good for him... We're really different people (im a "good girl", hes a "bad boy"). I don't want to change him at all, i just dont know if we can be a functional relationship. I want to still keep it light hearted, and fun, and he does too. I told him it doesn't take much to make me happy, I just liked seeing him and that's enough. I also don't mean that I need to see him everyday either because I like having a balance. Its just that in my last relationship I felt like me and my ex were connected even if we weren't seeing each other, but in this case I don't feel that way. But me and my ex also dated much longer. Maybe that builds with time? I know its only almost 4 months but its at that point where I'm wondering if I want to continue or not because I'm half scared. I don't know what the future holds obviously but for the most part, I like this guy, and I don't want to screw it up by over analyzing. Our conversation helped me feel better about things (also confused). He told me not to over analyze the things he said too much and that I should feel good about everything, and that everything is fine. A part of me is just nervous about trusting him entirely. Is this total normal relationship stuff? It's only my second one, and my last one was a lot more straight forward.
ktya Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I'll give you some thoughts. 1. 4 months I would feel a bit insecure just dating someone non exclusively for four months too, and you guys seem to be fighting over insecurity and jealousy. Some people have no problem with it but you are both somewhat attached and it is perfectly normal to wonder if you're wasting your time and emotional energy investing it with someone who is free to see other people and who could walk at any time for that long. 2. Attachment/Jealousy It seems that you both have some attachment / trust issues. Slapping a label on it might help, or it may make it worse. You'll never know unless you try. I know for myself, having a girl feel comfortable calling me her boyfriend and me calling her my girlfriend and with the exclusivity that goes with that by default it would make me less insecure that maybe she was out flirting with other guys and I could be yesterdays breakfast. Especially on the guy's side. We know that girls can get hit on all day if they dress nice go out in public and smile, and that is even worse at a bar or nightclub. If you two have a fight and you (the girl) stomps off he's probably terrified that if your mad enough you can have revenge sex instantly, either with a random or with a guy who already gave you his number. 3. Lack of connection when apart I've had this feeling with some of my girlfriends. Most notably my (now former) fiancée. The way to build on this is regular communication and accountability (something she didn't have; she ended up cheating on me with my friend and business partner but that's another story altogether). By accountability I mean specifically that you follow through on what you say your going to do. If you say your going out to your friend Sarah's house, you go to Sarah's house and don't end up going out to a raging houseparty with Sarah and stay there and party after she leaves and goes home. If he says he's going to meet you at your house at 6 oclock, he meets you there at 6 oclock. If your hanging out with friends of the opposite sex you do it in groups or with each other fully welcome to attend. The communication has to be on a regular basis. No stewing and pulling the usual female thing and saying "Nothing. I'm fine" when he asks you what's wrong. If a plan has to change you call ahead and if it's sketchy (such as you were going to Sarah's and Sarah wants you to go to a house party) you call ahead and let him know what's going on, make sure he feels comfortable, rather than having him call you to see if you want a ride home and hearing the raging party in the background. I would say these two things are the major difference between relationships where I felt connected when we were apart and the ones where I didn't. The ones where I didn't I felt tempted to cheat, flirt with other girls, and I felt by and large single when the girl went out of town to see her parents for one example. If you don't live together the simplest gesture you can do for eachother is to ensure that you promise to call eachother before going to bed each night. Try it.
Author daizy Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) 1. 4 months I would feel a bit insecure just dating someone non exclusively for four months too, and you guys seem to be fighting over insecurity and jealousy. 2. Attachment/Jealousy Slapping a label on it might help, or it may make it worse. You'll never know unless you try. 3. Lack of connection when apart By accountability I mean specifically that you follow through on what you say your going to do. The communication has to be on a regular basis. No stewing and pulling the usual female thing and saying "Nothing. I'm fine" when he asks you what's wrong. A lot of that was helpful. Actually everyone knew from the beginning we were seeing each other, he would always call me "his girl", and I felt some pressure that he wanted to be in a relationship which I ended up agreeing to because like you said I felt like slapping the label would make us feel less insecure. However in our last conversation apparently HE felt that I was encouraging/constantly bringing up the idea of slapping the label which he thought added pressure. I guess we both miss communicated there... regardless we agreed now that it's just a label. There's been a lot of times where we didn't follow through plans. We did in the beginning but as it went on he wouldn't call when he said he would or come see me when he said the day before that he would. There's also been times where I didn't invite him out to a "girls" bar night, which was really me just trying to catch up with my friends, but he didn't think it was cool. But now when I DO invite him out, he's not so interested. So we definitely lost a lot of accountability. It's just that I also don't want to say too much or ask for a lot and end up pushing him away either. Especially since we just had this talk, I want to see how it goes first. We had the talk yesterday and I told myself I wouldn't call/text him first this time even though he told me to "text him tomorrow", but he always says that. I feel like it's been me doing that lately so I want to leave it up to him to do it, he hasn't gotten in touch yet. Edited March 11, 2014 by daizy
Leigh 87 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I just don't think you sound right for each other. That is all it comes down to. There are plenty of couples who are madly in love by 4 months. It is supposed to be the honeymoon period. He should not be questioning whether or not he is crazy about you by this point. Relationships just "work" when you find someone who adores you and someone you adore back. They are still a lot of effort in the long run, but things just "flow" and feel "right" when a relationship starts out as two people who are really into each other. No guy who meets a girl he thinks "WOW" about, will have an aversion after 4 months of "labelling". The WOW is not about looks, it is mostly about a girl that generates a lot of emotions from a guy, based on how he feels for her early on and beyond.... I know it is probably going to be too hard for you to just break up with him since you have no hard evidence to suggest you should. He hasn't lied, cheated or done anything wrong by you. 1
ktya Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 There's been a lot of times where we didn't follow through plans. We did in the beginning but as it went on he wouldn't call when he said he would or come see me when he said the day before that he would. There's also been times where I didn't invite him out to a "girls" bar night, which was really me just trying to catch up with my friends, but he didn't think it was cool. But now when I DO invite him out, he's not so interested. So we definitely lost a lot of accountability. I'll elaborate a bit on this because jealousy and insecurity you mention have been the cause of some of your fights. as it went on he wouldn't call when he said he would or come see me when he said the day before that he would. There's also been times where I didn't invite him out to a "girls" bar night I had a relationship like this with my now ex fiancée. She cheated on me, I forgave her, then she cheated on me again, and when caught left me for her affair partner. I'm not suggesting that either of you are cheating, but fixing this sort of stuff could go a really long way towards reducing the jealousy and insecurity, and therefore the arguments.
Author daizy Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I just don't think you sound right for each other. That is all it comes down to. There are plenty of couples who are madly in love by 4 months. It is supposed to be the honeymoon period. He should not be questioning whether or not he is crazy about you by this point. Relationships just "work" when you find someone who adores you and someone you adore back. They are still a lot of effort in the long run, but things just "flow" and feel "right" when a relationship starts out as two people who are really into each other. No guy who meets a girl he thinks "WOW" about, will have an aversion after 4 months of "labelling". The WOW is not about looks, it is mostly about a girl that generates a lot of emotions from a guy, based on how he feels for her early on and beyond.... I know it is probably going to be too hard for you to just break up with him since you have no hard evidence to suggest you should. He hasn't lied, cheated or done anything wrong by you. I don't know. It feels like it's supposed to be more natural and not "work" at this point, especially because we hit it off so well. But I know plenty of couples who started off rocky and quite different but grew into each other. I just don't know if we're that couple... He's a really honest guy, doesn't hold back. I think a lot of what he said are true feelings people deal with, but don't talk about because it naturally makes me feel uncomfortable knowing THAT much.
Michael91 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Since you are insecure, find a less attractive and less desirable guy that thinks "you are the living end." That was you feel more secure.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I don't think he's the one for you. You are both questioning things a lot and avoiding getting closer. By 4 months, you should be making progress, not drifting apart already. I don't think there's much of a future here, OP. 1
myothernic2 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I don't think he's the one for you. You are both questioning things a lot and avoiding getting closer. By 4 months, you should be making progress, not drifting apart already. I don't think there's much of a future here, OP. I agree with this. Also, don't start selling yourself short by saying stuff like this "I told him it doesn't take much to make me happy, I just liked seeing him and that's enough." It seems like you do want a relationship and are just agreeing to lighthearted, no labels, don't need to hear or see from you much because you really like him.
ja123 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I like what ktya has to say about accountability. It sounds like you could both follow that advice. However, I do agree with the others that it doesn't sound like there's much future here for either of you. Yes, you're over-thinking it; but, that's just a symptom of it not working out. It should "flow" at 4 months. You could try "dating" him again: i.e. meet for dinner, movies, coffee, walks, etc. In other words, do things to get you both out of your heads and start having fun. But, overall, it sounds like you're just not a match. If you are looking for a serious relationship, then it might be best to bite the bullet and pull the plug on this one. It's too early in the game to have a gnawing feeling or bitter after taste in your mouth. It sure sucks, though, doesn't it? You just gotta put it down to it wasn't meant to be.
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