Kitchen Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 So I'm part of a religious/cultural organization that has hundreds of members all over the country. In our local chapter there are about 50 or so people, out of them like 20-30 of us are regulars for events; most of us are in are mid to late twenties. There is one guy who is very "popular" and influential in the group. He's got that ability to be a good leader in the organization, and is quite religious, so people look to him as a good person. However, he's also very judgmental of people, particularly those who aren't as religious, such as myself. I'm not a bad person, I just don't practice the religion as much. I am involved in this group to make friends, not to practice religion. Most people are also part of the group in order to make friends, so nobody really minds, except this guy. Anyway, he is judgmental about my agnosticism, and he has this image of me as if I'm a bad person (which I truly am not), just because I don't follow the rules of the religion. And I know he has talked crap about me to certain mutual friends because they have told me about it. What bothers me is that he may have told a lot of things that aren't facts (and are only his opinions) to people, and since he is influential, people might believe him. This really isn't fair because there are people whom I like and women who I may be interested in, whom I think may have a bad image of me. Any advice on how I can deal with this guy? Up until now I've tried to deal with it by just being nice to him as I am to everyone else, so that maybe he changes his mind. But so far it hasn't worked. It sucks because since we are all part of the same group, I can't avoid him, and he can't avoid me. And so I feel like I have no choice but to deal with this. My main goal is for him to stop ruining my reputation. I couldn't care less if he liked me or not, as long as he keeps it to himself. But I can't bear bad things about me going around, given that he's popular in the group. I hate such politics. I feel like I am in high school. Any and all advice will be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Copelandsanity Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Pull him aside and talk to him one-on-one. Tell him exactly how you feel, back up your feelings with facts and logical observations of the situation and offer a solution you feel the both of you can reasonably move on with (truce?). I've faced similar situations, so I can empathize with you. The truth is that, in the end, I exited all of those situations because eventually I reached the breaking point from having to constantly handle politics and unwanted drama. I sincerely hope it never gets to that juncture for you.
Author Kitchen Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Pull him aside and talk to him one-on-one. Tell him exactly how you feel, back up your feelings with facts and logical observations of the situation and offer a solution you feel the both of you can reasonably move on with (truce?). I've faced similar situations, so I can empathize with you. The truth is that, in the end, I exited all of those situations because eventually I reached the breaking point from having to constantly handle politics and unwanted drama. I sincerely hope it never gets to that juncture for you. Thanks for your reply. When you say exited the situation, do you mean you gave up on being friends with everyone in the group? I have actually thought about that, but then if I did that I would really be the loser as I would lose some great friends.
D-Lish Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 If you're not practicing the religion of a religious group you're choosing to be involved with, maybe it would be better for you to join a different group in order to meet people- perhaps one with a less religious element to it? The aforementioned is only a question/suggestion, not a criticism of your choice to join this certain group in order to forge some social connections. I denounced religion as a small child due to such similar experiences with people like this. It always struck me as such blatant hypocrisy to see grown adults preach to others and practice the opposite. I don't think you have to handle him any differently than you are. If people look up to this guy as a leader when he is practicing such crappy behaviour- then maybe it's time to bail on the entire group. Otherwise, if you have found some like-minded people that you are connecting with, make your way with those people and stick to them. In my experience with people in any group, those that exhibit this kind of behaviour rarely make it too far before self destructing and alienating themselves.
Author Kitchen Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 If you're not practicing the religion of a religious group you're choosing to be involved with, maybe it would be better for you to join a different group in order to meet people- perhaps one with a less religious element to it? The aforementioned is only a question/suggestion, not a criticism of your choice to join this certain group in order to forge some social connections. I denounced religion as a small child due to such similar experiences with people like this. It always struck me as such blatant hypocrisy to see grown adults preach to others and practice the opposite. I don't think you have to handle him any differently than you are. If people look up to this guy as a leader when he is practicing such crappy behaviour- then maybe it's time to bail on the entire group. Otherwise, if you have found some like-minded people that you are connecting with, make your way with those people and stick to them. In my experience with people in any group, those that exhibit this kind of behaviour rarely make it too far before self destructing and alienating themselves. I think I mis-spoke. Technically it's a religious society. But for the most part people join to make friends. We rarely if ever have true religious events. Mostly it's dinners and meet and greets. Just a way for people to meet others of the same cultural background, you know? I agree though that the fact that people look to such a jerk as a leader is a sign that perhaps I shouldn't be associating with anyone there... Thanks for the reply
Copelandsanity Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Thanks for your reply. When you say exited the situation, do you mean you gave up on being friends with everyone in the group? I have actually thought about that, but then if I did that I would really be the loser as I would lose some great friends. Yes, I gave up on being friends with everyone in the group. In my case, it was with a tight-knit clique within a larger Meetup group. For the first few months, I was active and attended events frequently (2x/week). When I had to deal with personal issues with my divorce/dad's death - which I spoke intimately with the leader about - I became less active (1x/2 weeks). Over time, she become offended by my inactivity, started to verbally attack me over it, and then asked me to leave the clique, unbeknownst to anyone else. I left, and although other members defended me once they found out, it was a tight-knit group that wanted to be led, nobody took any real action. Like your religious leader, she had the power, and she wanted to control who was in or out. It didn't matter if I was nice, or going through personal stuff...she didn't want me there anymore, and she used her clout to force me out. And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to beg and grovel to stay where I'm not wanted.
VeronicaRoss Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I'm not sure I get the logic... 1) It's a religious group -- you do know religions exist to define and manage what 'good is' because they don't believe people can do this on their own? 2) You don't believe in the religion, most people don't but they look up to the leader 3) The leader doesn't approve of your beliefs (see #1) 4) You'd lose friends if you left the group. I think you're deeply out of integrity with yourself by belonging to this group and depending on the friendship of people who would dump you quickly if you weren't part of it. You can find better situations that are aligned with your own value system.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Thanks for your reply. When you say exited the situation, do you mean you gave up on being friends with everyone in the group? I have actually thought about that, but then if I did that I would really be the loser as I would lose some great friends. I think the mutual friends should tell him they don't want to hear him slam you and walk away and the mutual friends shouldn't be repeating what he's said to you. This is high school behaviour. Your real friends aren't going to let some guy's preachy opinion change their opinion of you but if that happens, then they weren't real/true friends.
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