seren Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Most of the old timers, like myself know my backstory. For those who don't a potted history. Me and H together for over 20 years at the time of his A, the poster couple for a happy, loving marriage, H in the military, me, a high profile professional. H had a number of tours in Iraq and Afghan, lost a number of his colleagues and friends, one to a roadside bomb that was particularly bad. When he came home he seemed stressed and was a very changed man. I asked what was wrong, but was told nothing, just work stress. he refused to get help and while he was dealing with that, I had treatment for cancer. On the surface it seemed like a blip, that all long term relationships have. I asked if there was someone else, was told no. Eventually he broke down and told me he had an 8 month A. I asked if he wanted to leave, he said no and so we reconciled. He said he felt he had nothing to offer me, that he was no good and that I would have been better off without him, then he was diagnosed with PTSD and Combat Stress. The A and who with and the nature of it was so far from what I would have thought, it was, and I mean no disrespect to the OW, was tawdry. Fast forward to now, some 6 and a half years later and we have rebuilt a new relationship, our marriage and relationship is in a fantastic place. We have changed our lifestyle, he has left the military, I no longer work due to health issues. We live remotely and simply and are where we always planned to be. Yet, H, just lately, has had some anxiety attacks, during which he totally breaks down, yesterday he just went to pieces and I found him in the garden sat on the floor sobbing. After taking him indoors, given hugs and love, he tells me he feels no good, that he has let me down, that he hates what he did and cannot forgive himself. He said that I should leave him and find someone who I deserve, someone who isn't a failure and someone who doesn't eff everything up. He sobs for his deceased father, mother and friends. All I could do was hold him and tell him that I love him, that he is a good man and that while we cannot change what has happened, we have a good life, he has been my rock and safe place and that he is loved with all that I have. I have asked that he gets support, combat stress are really good, but he will not talk to them, he has begun withdrawing from contact with anyone but me. it is truly heart breaking. I realise that this time of year there are triggers from when the A started, this year he has triggered very badly. I forgive him, I forgave him from the moment he told me. He hates what he did, as do I, but while I don't and never have hated him or OW, he does and did. There has been no contact with OW or any other, I have no fears there is another A, just that he is breaking up and unable to get past what he did by having an A, that he can never move on. It becomes all mixed up with what happened in Iraq. Anyone any insight, help, words? I will add that I have to have a chest X Ray soon, he doesn't know yet as I don't think he can handle the stress. i suspect what they are looking for and keep fingers crossed they are wrong, I need to help him just incase. He refuses counselling, He won't speak on the phone to anyone and we have few friends through choice. It is so, so sad to see this wonderful, lovely man feel this way about himself.
Furious Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Most of the old timers, like myself know my backstory. For those who don't a potted history. Me and H together for over 20 years at the time of his A, the poster couple for a happy, loving marriage, H in the military, me, a high profile professional. H had a number of tours in Iraq and Afghan, lost a number of his colleagues and friends, one to a roadside bomb that was particularly bad. When he came home he seemed stressed and was a very changed man. I asked what was wrong, but was told nothing, just work stress. he refused to get help and while he was dealing with that, I had treatment for cancer. On the surface it seemed like a blip, that all long term relationships have. I asked if there was someone else, was told no. Eventually he broke down and told me he had an 8 month A. I asked if he wanted to leave, he said no and so we reconciled. He said he felt he had nothing to offer me, that he was no good and that I would have been better off without him, then he was diagnosed with PTSD and Combat Stress. The A and who with and the nature of it was so far from what I would have thought, it was, and I mean no disrespect to the OW, was tawdry. Fast forward to now, some 6 and a half years later and we have rebuilt a new relationship, our marriage and relationship is in a fantastic place. We have changed our lifestyle, he has left the military, I no longer work due to health issues. We live remotely and simply and are where we always planned to be. Yet, H, just lately, has had some anxiety attacks, during which he totally breaks down, yesterday he just went to pieces and I found him in the garden sat on the floor sobbing. After taking him indoors, given hugs and love, he tells me he feels no good, that he has let me down, that he hates what he did and cannot forgive himself. He said that I should leave him and find someone who I deserve, someone who isn't a failure and someone who doesn't eff everything up. He sobs for his deceased father, mother and friends. All I could do was hold him and tell him that I love him, that he is a good man and that while we cannot change what has happened, we have a good life, he has been my rock and safe place and that he is loved with all that I have. I have asked that he gets support, combat stress are really good, but he will not talk to them, he has begun withdrawing from contact with anyone but me. it is truly heart breaking. I realise that this time of year there are triggers from when the A started, this year he has triggered very badly. I forgive him, I forgave him from the moment he told me. He hates what he did, as do I, but while I don't and never have hated him or OW, he does and did. There has been no contact with OW or any other, I have no fears there is another A, just that he is breaking up and unable to get past what he did by having an A, that he can never move on. It becomes all mixed up with what happened in Iraq. Anyone any insight, help, words? I will add that I have to have a chest X Ray soon, he doesn't know yet as I don't think he can handle the stress. i suspect what they are looking for and keep fingers crossed they are wrong, I need to help him just incase. He refuses counselling, He won't speak on the phone to anyone and we have few friends through choice. It is so, so sad to see this wonderful, lovely man feel this way about himself. Dear sweet Seren I was and am in awe of you. Your kindness and compassion and depth of spirit is inspiring. If I could...I wish I could, I'd take your husband by the shoulders and hug him but then give him a good shake....you need him now and instead you are worried for him when what you deserve is to be held and cared for during this uncertain time in regard to your health. Tell him you need him to be there for you....that you need him to be strong for you....that if he truly loves you, that this is the time not only to say it with words but puts action to those words.....that this is the time to leave the guilt in the past and be the rock you need in this scary and uncertain future. Sweet Seren....you are in my thoughts and prayers. 7
i am gutted Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 oh my gosh....don't know what to say......other than best wishes to you both and hope that things come to a more settled stage for you .......I hope your husband can find some peace as well......sounds like a very remorseful husband and you so forgiving........big love.
krazikat Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Seren, There is not much advice I have...other than to keep doing what you are doing...showing your love and support. These men, they bottle things up and then it bursts. When my h cried it had me.feeling at a loss of what to do. I can only imagine how you must have felt finding him like that. Your man is blessed to have you and your love and he knows it. Would he write about things? Maybe do an anonymous blog where he may evem help pthers experiencing similiar issues? Or maybe he can find an online anonymous support group? Sending positive thoughts your way. 3
waterwoman Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Seren, so sorry. Be strong as I know you are. Thinking of you both x 2
BetrayedH Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 My thoughts echo the sentiments of others. If I had anything to add, it's two small things: (1) Reassure him that you're over it. While he can't say it, you can. He needs to hear what you've told us: that you forgave him long ago. He was remorseful, gave you what you needed, and you forgave. Try to get him to let the shame go. I realize that you have, of course, done this probably time and time again. I'm just encouraging you. (2) Let him in on your health scare. Imply that you need him, even if you don't. Men are fixers. We need to serve a purpose. I suspect that his golden years feel a bit empty and while his time with you is rewarding, his affair probably looms like a shadow over the one thing he has going and he feels like he's ruined it. Make him your partner in this effort and I think you'll see a renewed vigor from him. 6
Snowflower Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Seren, I have dealt with some similar issues (minus the veteran part). I sent you a PM. (((HUGS))) 1
GorillaTheater Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (2) Let him in on your health scare. Imply that you need him, even if you don't. Men are fixers. We need to serve a purpose. I suspect that his golden years feel a bit empty and while his time with you is rewarding, his affair probably looms like a shadow over the one thing he has going and he feels like he's ruined it. Make him your partner in this effort and I think you'll see a renewed vigor from him. I think this is particularly golden. The times I feel most lost is when I feel purposeless. This will go a long ways towards giving him a purpose and give him an opportunity to show his love and care. 2
Author seren Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Thank you all, Betrayed H, what you say makes a great deal of sense. In my world I am viewed as, what my son calls Ghostbuster, in that I am the fixer and the 'person who knows'. What most don't know is like the proverbial swan all appears serene on top, but underneath I am paddling away much the same as the rest. So, I understand that H needs to take over that role, after D Day it is one of the things we changed, I stopped being the fixer of all things so as he had as little stress as possible and he took on more responsibility for our life. I think being an ex military wife and serving member, we tend to have to be all things as we are alone so much. Part of what was wrong all those years ago, was that H didn't feel good enough and I could see, with hindsight, that I helped this negativity as I was so capable. I told him that without his support, I would fail, that he is my rock and my safe and peaceful place. I have noticed that when it all hits the fan he steps up. Maybe I need to be the fluffy female more and not be Ghostbuster for a while. I have never, ever asked him to do anything other than what he wanted, I hoped that he would reach the right decision (for me), but of course he often didn't as I didn't ask. That has changed too, but I do know that I still don't ask when I should and maybe this time I need to lean a while and have him be Ghostbuster. He is a truly wonderful man, when I met him I thought, ah, here you are and it has largely been a wonderful time, not all plain sailing, but that, wanting to crawl under his skin has never gone. To see him as he was the other day just broke my heart. I will take advice, I will let him know about my X Ray and I will try to take a step back. Thank you for your kind comments, I had nowhere else to turn where I felt safe. xx 4
Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Ahh, Seren. (((((HUGS)))) Somewhere on the net THERE MUST BE an anonymous blog for veterans of the Iraq/Afghan combat zone still suffering the affects of PTSD, where posters are kind and understanding? Can you search for it, or search it together? There can be a great peace, as we all know, from realizing we are not alone. 2
wanting more Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 i dont have an advice Seren, but i hope and wish the best for you and your husband i'm an xOW and you commented on my posts from the beginning and i've always respected you and your husband you are a very kind and caring person, i hope the tests your getting ready to have done turn into nothing, and i hope your husband lets go of his guilt. ((((seren))))) 1
whatatangledweb Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 To me it sounds like he is suffering from depression. I have clinical depression. You do the pulling away from other people. Looking back at your life and seeing only the bad things and never the good. He feels he doesn't deserve you . He really needs to see his doctor for something to help with it. Your general doctor can prescribe something.
Recommended Posts