tiredandguiltridden Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) I'm 28 and my gf is 33. We have been dating for 6 years now. Living together for 5 years. We even moved to a new state together away from where she was born and raised. We started off as friends. She was on track to become my best friend. And then one day, she made it pretty obvious that she wanted to be more than friends. I feared that she would never talk to me again if I turned her down and we started dating. Bad idea. She is an awesome girl. The worst thing about her is that she snores. The only problem I have in this whole relationship is that I have no chemistry with her. She is obviously very pretty because she gets hit on quite a bit. She is a wonderful selfless person, who is very intelligent, not into shopping or watching stupid TV shows, ahe reads a lot of books etc (basically everything I want in a girl and as a package I've never found in any other girl). I know that this will be the biggest mistake of my life but I can't help but consider breaking up with her. Every few months or so, I think about breaking up. Then, I dismiss it and go back to living life. The first few weeks are great. I "think" that I've come back to my senses and treat her right. Then, I go back to ignoring her. The physical intimacy isn't there anymore. The few times we are intimate, I don't even enjoy it. Then, I rationalize the whole thing by saying "Well, no one gets everything they want. I'm one of the lucky ones. I found the girl that gets me and we get along so well. Sex and physical attraction is so shallow." I think I'm finally growing up. Now, I'm starting to consider her side. She is not happy and I can tell. She yearns to hold my hand in public. Something I've never done with her before. She wants more sex and besides the times I really want it, I don't bother. I know she deserves someone who would appreciate her and love her. We had a chat about this a couple of weeks ago. I told her that our goals in life have been drifting apart and that I want to move overseas, travel etc. I couldn't tell her that I was not physically attracted to her. I was ready to break up. Then, we took some time to think about this. And 2 days later, we got intimate. From then on, she seems happy and is going on with her/our life. And I still can't get the thought of breaking up, out of my mind. I know it isn't fair to lead her on like this. And this is where the guilt kicks in. She's 33 and unless we have kids in the next couple of years, I will have ruined her chances of being a mom. And all these years that I kept her away from her family... For nothing! She gave up so much and I sacrificed nothing! If we were to break up, I would be devastated. Not for losing my girlfriend but for losing my best friend and for hurting such an awesome person. I'm very cynical so I don't think highly of most people. I know that if we were to break up, I would never see or hear from her again. I guess I know what I should do. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, I should fake being attracted to her marry her and have kids together. Everything else is just absolutely wonderful. Couldn't have asked for more, so maybe I will be OK in the end. But this could mean that I will never experience real love. Will I feel so much regret at some point later in life that I will just abandon my wife and kids and run away with someone else? Or will I cheat on her when I find the love of my life? Or will I be so depressed that I kill myself? But on the flip side, I want to want to hold my gf's hand in public. Kiss her in public. Show her off proudly to my friends and family. Climb to the top of a skyscraper and yell at the top of my lungs that THIS IS MY GIRL! Help! Edited March 11, 2014 by tiredandguiltridden
Murtz Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I think that since you all have been dating for such a long time you are going through somewhat of a G.I.G.S. phase. The spark wears out for everyone. Maybe you two just need some time away from each other to know whether or not you are really meant for each other. By time away, I mean time away single. Agree to both still be in a relationship, but don't talk for a couple weeks and see if you miss her. Do not make the mistake I did. I had the most perfect girl in the world and I was in the exact same position as you in every single aspect. However I pushed her away and she ended up breaking up with me because she did not think I love her as much as she loved me. Every day I regret not talking to her about my problems and trying to work them out between us. I think distance would have been all I needed.
chados Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) you have som attraction issues. i mean lets be honest here. everyone will after a long relationship be a little tired if you go by the same routin every day. most likely its not gonna be any better with a new woman. once youre dating again you will like it for a while then you realize that its the same with this one. (but) you got a long history with your ex, not only as your girlfriend but also as a good friend. and you might not see her anymore if you break up with her. attraction is always gonna be there. dont fool yourself thinking that everyone else in a relationship only think that their girl is attractive. personally i definitely do think others are attractive. but i know that its not gonna get any better with someone else. ps. the last thing you said about holding her hand in public etc. this is a sign that whenever you are home. you are bored. you are to comfortable with your life. home is always the same. you do nothing. you dont talk that much. you watch tv... you two need to do something fun together obviously. Edited March 11, 2014 by chados
David87 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Well bottom line is that you arent happy, that's the most important thing. Think long and hard about this dough because a girl like yours is hard to find. You like her but as a friend not as a gf or wife. Personally I think that it's a mistake to marry her and have kids, because you are unhappy now, think how you'll be then. Again think long and hard about what you are about to do....
esteem-jam Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 You said yourself - you talked and 2 days later you were intimate. Sounds like the medicine to me - talk more. Also maybe read a book together and then discuss it - maybe it will challenge your mind and you will see her in different spectrum.
KaliLove Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 LET THIS POOR GIRL GO! She deserves so much more than what you're giving her. I'm not saying you're a bad person, I get what you're doing, but if you don't want to be with her, don't be with her just because you feel bad. Doesn't she deserve to find a guy who WANTS to be with her, not one who stays with her out of guilt?
eotdevice Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Well I just did the same thing to a woman I was dating for 8 months. Once the attraction wore off, the love was gone. Did you ever have chemistry with her? I know from tons of reading that relationships change over time as they mature. At first there is tons of chemistry and intimacy and as you move along it becomes less for some but transitions to a different type of love. Can you see yourself living without her? Alone? Would you miss her? Is she the person you look to for advice? Is she the person you can rely on when you are sick? I am not saying that any of these trumps attraction and chemistry they are just a different type of chemistry.
chados Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Well I just did the same thing to a woman I was dating for 8 months. Once the attraction wore off, the love was gone. Did you ever have chemistry with her? I know from tons of reading that relationships change over time as they mature. At first there is tons of chemistry and intimacy and as you move along it becomes less for some but transitions to a different type of love. Can you see yourself living without her? Alone? Would you miss her? Is she the person you look to for advice? Is she the person you can rely on when you are sick? I am not saying that any of these trumps attraction and chemistry they are just a different type of chemistry. this is exactly why people break up. and 8 months compared to many years is a big difference. but this is whats gonna happen to most people, you will never feel the same as you did in the beginning all the time. it just doesnt work like that. and we gotta think twice before we do something crazy.
Author tiredandguiltridden Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 The chemistry was never there for me. That's the problem. I was a much worse bf before. She stuck with me through all that. I was young, stupid and an a**. I've grown up a lot this past couple of years and treat her much better. And I also see how I'm hurting her. I've always been OK being alone. Before I met her, I was determined to not have a serious relationship. I felt (and still feel) that I can go through life without a partner. There are so many things I'm interested in that I can keep myself entertained for ever. But, I enjoy her company so much! There hasn't been a single day in the past 6 years that I have dreaded coming home. If we could still be friends, I would have a much easier time breaking up. But, that isn't going to happen.
KaliLove Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 The chemistry was never there for me. That's the problem. I was a much worse bf before. She stuck with me through all that. I was young, stupid and an a**. I've grown up a lot this past couple of years and treat her much better. And I also see how I'm hurting her. I've always been OK being alone. Before I met her, I was determined to not have a serious relationship. I felt (and still feel) that I can go through life without a partner. There are so many things I'm interested in that I can keep myself entertained for ever. But, I enjoy her company so much! There hasn't been a single day in the past 6 years that I have dreaded coming home. If we could still be friends, I would have a much easier time breaking up. But, that isn't going to happen. You're being incredibly selfish. You need to give this girl a chance to find love.
DontBreakEven Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Jesus. You sound like you need some intense therapy. I feel terrible for your girlfriend.
Recommended Posts