Online dating and her constantly logging on...still

[CazK1988]

I met this girl online back in January (2014) and we've been dating ever since. We've hung out many times, she invited me over to her house and we've gotten physical (no intercourse, but foreplay and she loved it). She's said she loves spending time with me, her friends know about me and want to meet me, her parents know about me and she is graduating in May for her Master's and invited me to her graduation which is in Florida - where I will meet her parents, and her friend, her and I will extend the trip to Orlando. She's a smart girl, and wants to get her PhD after she finished her Master's.

 

Back in February, we had a discussion that she was looking for a relationship, but wants to take it slow. Of course taking it slow can mean a million things, but we've made it to the bedroom, she's asked me to spend the night and things seem to be good.

 

One thing that offsets me is that she has continued to log on the social media site where we met. There are times where she doesn't log on for 1 to 2 weeks, but one night I caught her actually online, and it really stunned me. To the point that I just randomly called her and we ended up talking for 30m or so. We text A LOT, but we rarely call each other. There are times where she may randomly send me a text in the AM, and there are times where I may not hear from her until late afternoon/evening during the weekdays but weekends it often is earlier after she wakes up. She always pretty much did this, but I'm not sure if this is a problem. I randomly called her when I saw her online, and she sounded a little stunned when I called. But the conversation led to good things. But deep down, I think she knew I knew she was active at the time I called.

 

How should I play this? Did I take a risk meeting someone online overall? Or is it that she could be cold, showing me all of these signs of "loyalty" and crazy in love with others? The caveat here is that we're only dating and not in a relationship, so could I be in this too much? Thanks for your honest analysis.

[JennHenn]

How do you see she's online? Doesn't that mean you're going on there too?...

[CazK1988]

You're still in the early part of the relationship and there's no exclusivity established. I would be cautious still. Her actions seems shady.

 

Alex, what part do you see shady? Where should I be cautious? What should I pay attention to?

[babycakees]

Alex, what part do you see shady? Where should I be cautious? What should I pay attention to?

 

 

You should pay attention to the fact that you may possibly have more feelings and time invested in this since she is obviously keeping her options open. Maybe you should do the same.

[CazK1988]

You should pay attention to the fact that you may possibly have more feelings and time invested in this since she is obviously keeping her options open. Maybe you should do the same.

 

 

I see, well thank you for that. I needed that.

 

I guess it is important that I don't look into this too much. Maybe playing the "hard to get" game and maybe no contact for a while might wake her up? I mean I think what I feel is that she wants exclusivity, but maybe not this soon. Keeping her options open like you said and frankly, she did allude to that when we had a talk in February about her wanting to take things slow and seeing how things go. I just always had that fear that the candle wick will go out..but hey, while its still burning you make the best of the light that shines I guess...

 

Besides..I'm only 25, she's 24. WHO would be ready for something serious at this stage eh? lol..(sigh).

[babycakees]

Besides..I'm only 25, she's 24. WHO would be ready for something serious at this stage eh? lol..(sigh).

 

 

I was in a serious relationship from 24 up until about 5 months ago (I'm 28 now). So, age isn't usually a deciding factor. I say playing hard to get may not be the best idea because sometimes that can backfire. I would keep doing what you've been doing and if you guys continue to enjoy each others company, things may progress naturally into something more serious or exclusive.

[melell]

I find that people are ready for seriousness once they come across someone that ticks all of their boxes.

 

It is really important not to play games.. at all, it seems to just lead to confusion in the early stages of dating.

 

I think you should just keep going as you have been, if you want more say so, if she doesn't or does-problem solved.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Well, since exclusivity seems to be important to you, I guess it's time to sit her down and ask her if she's ready for that type of relationship. But don't bring up the whole checking on her page to see when she's last logged in thing. Can seem a bit clingy and stalkerish especially since you aren't really official.

 

I don't really see it as a red flag though solely because there hasn't been any boundaries or formality set on what the relationship is. So go ahead and find out! Now if you become exclusive and then you find her still going on dating sites.. well that's another story lol

[CazK1988]

I was in a serious relationship from 24 up until about 5 months ago (I'm 28 now). So, age isn't usually a deciding factor. I say playing hard to get may not be the best idea because sometimes that can backfire. I would keep doing what you've been doing and if you guys continue to enjoy each others company, things may progress naturally into something more serious or exclusive.

 

That's true...oh well...I thought I'd be considered a "player" by keeping my options open, but I guess that is accepted as long as things aren't exclusive? If only the dating game were by book, and in black and white, I think we'd all be able to understand and live happily ever after...until I woke up and realized: only in a utopian society. LOL.

[mangetout]

LOL. This is why I always prescribe men to keep a regular rotation of 3 to 4 women around. The girl is on there getting hit on my Lord knows how many guys and possibly getting her guts fvvcked out too. You're on here moping and worrying about it. LOL.

 

If you had several other women in rotation, you wouldn't be on here worrying about such BS. Even a woman on here (which is rare) told you, KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN. Don't be a muppet.

 

Doctor's prescription:

 

- Date multiple women to prevent impending one-itis.

 

 

 

Ugh I wouldn't do that. How the hell do you juggle 3 to 4 women at the same time? What a headache.

 

 

I personally think that two and a half months is long enough to know whether you want to pursue an exclusive relationship with a person. She just sounds like she is keeping her options open so this means that she is not that into you.

 

 

I would do NC and move on. Why wait for her??

[Assasda]

Well, since exclusivity seems to be important to you, I guess it's time to sit her down and ask her if she's ready for that type of relationship. But don't bring up the whole checking on her page to see when she's last logged in thing. Can seem a bit clingy and stalkerish especially since you aren't really official.

 

I don't really see it as a red flag though solely because there hasn't been any boundaries or formality set on what the relationship is. So go ahead and find out! Now if you become exclusive and then you find her still going on dating sites.. well that's another story lol

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT FOLLOW this advice, it is poison.

 

Seems like you're too clingy already. Stop worrying about what she's doing, stop worrying about who she's seeing.

-- Let me be brutally honest: You dont know her yet.

 

So what you want to do, is Have fun, thats it. Ask her out, and you 2 go and party, party and hang out, and have fun like kids. If you guys get a little more physicaly, good for you. But right now you just need to be having fun.

AND STAY out of her business.

 

I would suggest pursuing different women, in the meantime as well

[Michael91]

It is normal for women to seek and find a boyfriend and then immediately start looking for an upgrade. I gather that is the situation. That is, she wants you but she is hoping to do better and therefore wants to take it slow. However, that is fine because if she really can do better, ultimately she will dump you.

 

I gather that you think you are doing extremely well and that you are a bit desperate to keep her. It that is so, naturally she senses it and will take advantage of it. It would be far better it you gave her the impression that you really like her but you are still looking. In that case, she is going to want to catch you before you find someone else.

 

The problem is, while many women are good enough actors to pull that off, very few men including you can. Since you are not a good enough actor to make her believe that you think you might do better, the best thing is to keep dating her but let her look. Since she is dating you, her ability to look and date an upgrade is diminished and, if after two or 3 months, she doesn't find someone she sees as better, she will start wanting to keep you and stop looking. Regardless, if you are truly desperate to keep her and especially if you keep tracking her, she will dump you.

[ktya]

One thing to keep in mind is bugs in how OLD mobile apps are written.

 

After my ex and i broke up, we both ended up on POF, which was also where we met. We broke on good terms, had amazing ex sex, and talked daily.

 

When i finally started landing numbers and lining up dates she went ballistic. She wanted me back something feirce at the time. Now the concept of an ex gf breaking up with you moving out and going to OLD days after th breakup is a topic for another whole thread... But on one hand she was going ballistic threatening to never talk to me if i went on even one date, but here i saw her online all frickin day from 830am to 10 at night when she was phoning me going ballistic.

 

Of course like the OP i had to call a spade a spade and call out her BS. Sitting right on online dating online all day and thene the nerve to call me and berate me for breaking her heart and insisting on going on dates.

 

Well, her dad vouched that she was sick in bed with the flu all day. She seemed oddly truthful and hurt by my assertion, despite me sending her screen caps of her being online. She tried changing her password, thinking maybe she got hacked. Still online an hour later. She was flabbergasted.

 

Did some searching and the POF app, once you open it, does not log you out even if you close the app on your phone. You have to manually tell it to log you out and/ or delete the whole app. Im sure there have been quite a few fights amongst couples who met on online dating over these bugs.

 

Now i always manually close the app and if im on a serious trajectory with a girl who might check or see it i both hide my profile and delete the app.

 

Not sure if this type of bug could be your issue but look into it.

 

On the other hand dont focus on what shes logged into. Focus on logging into her by taking her out, making out, and getting her between the sheets.

[Gaeta]

I guess it is important that I don't look into this too much. Maybe playing the "hard to get" game and maybe no contact for a while might wake her up?

Don't play games if you don't want to be played with. Treat people the way you'd like to be treated. When you're next option is to play someone then you're at a stage you should consider if it's worth continuing or not.

 

she did allude to that when we had a talk in February about her wanting to take things slow and seeing how things go.

This is women language that means 'I am not ready to settle with YOU and need to keep on checking what's out there'. When I met my last boyfriend he talked to me about being exclusive on our 3rd date. He was into me, I was into him, and I was glad to say YES. There is no delay or time set to talk exclusivity. There is just 'am I into this person enough to delete my profile and concentrate on him only'. In this girl's case the answer is no.

 

I just always had that fear that the candle wick will go out..

That's because it's the vibe she is sending you. Your guts are telling you she's not into this as much as you are. Listen.

 

 

Besides..I'm only 25, she's 24. WHO would be ready for something serious at this stage eh? lol..(sigh).

Looks like You would be ready. No? Don't you wish you could concentrate on each other only? Why lying to yourself? At 25 I think it's normal to look for something else then hook-ups and casual dating.

 

Here's an advice. Decide what is an acceptable length of time for you to invest in someone without exclusivity then date with that rule. Example for me it's 5 dates. By 5 dates a man should know if I got his attention or not. In my book, if after 5 dates he still needs to be online checking other women then it's a no go for me. This is the maximum time and effort I will invest in a man. Of course after 5 dates I am not looking for a marriage or any kind of serious commitment but I expect we have a talk about why we still have our profiles up.

 

For some people it's 1 month, 3 months, some it's 6 months. You decide what it is for you.

 

Most people online don't know what they want so if YOU don't know what you want imagine how confusing it will get.

[CazK1988]

Whatever you do, DO NOT FOLLOW this advice, it is poison.

 

Seems like you're too clingy already. Stop worrying about what she's doing, stop worrying about who she's seeing.

-- Let me be brutally honest: You dont know her yet.

 

So what you want to do, is Have fun, thats it. Ask her out, and you 2 go and party, party and hang out, and have fun like kids. If you guys get a little more physicaly, good for you. But right now you just need to be having fun.

AND STAY out of her business.

 

I would suggest pursuing different women, in the meantime as well

 

 

I agree. And I will stay out of her business that's for sure.

 

 

It is normal for women to seek and find a boyfriend and then immediately start looking for an upgrade. I gather that is the situation. That is, she wants you but she is hoping to do better and therefore wants to take it slow. However, that is fine because if she really can do better, ultimately she will dump you.

 

I gather that you think you are doing extremely well and that you are a bit desperate to keep her. It that is so, naturally she senses it and will take advantage of it. It would be far better it you gave her the impression that you really like her but you are still looking. In that case, she is going to want to catch you before you find someone else.

 

The problem is, while many women are good enough actors to pull that off, very few men including you can. Since you are not a good enough actor to make her believe that you think you might do better, the best thing is to keep dating her but let her look. Since she is dating you, her ability to look and date an upgrade is diminished and, if after two or 3 months, she doesn't find someone she sees as better, she will start wanting to keep you and stop looking. Regardless, if you are truly desperate to keep her and especially if you keep tracking her, she will dump you.

 

But why do women do this? For fear of being lonely if/when a guy dumps her? I mean she asked me to come to her graduation for crying out loud...to see her parents. Am I even ready for that when I don't even feel vested? She doesn't call me but she asks me to attend her graduation. Is she trying to use me?

[JennHenn]

I met this girl online back in January (2014) and we've been dating ever since. We've hung out many times, she invited me over to her house and we've gotten physical (no intercourse, but foreplay and she loved it). She's said she loves spending time with me, her friends know about me and want to meet me, her parents know about me and she is graduating in May for her Master's and invited me to her graduation which is in Florida - where I will meet her parents, and her friend, her and I will extend the trip to Orlando. She's a smart girl, and wants to get her PhD after she finished her Master's.

 

Back in February, we had a discussion that she was looking for a relationship, but wants to take it slow. Of course taking it slow can mean a million things, but we've made it to the bedroom, she's asked me to spend the night and things seem to be good.

 

One thing that offsets me is that she has continued to log on the social media site where we met. There are times where she doesn't log on for 1 to 2 weeks, but one night I caught her actually online, and it really stunned me. To the point that I just randomly called her and we ended up talking for 30m or so. We text A LOT, but we rarely call each other. There are times where she may randomly send me a text in the AM, and there are times where I may not hear from her until late afternoon/evening during the weekdays but weekends it often is earlier after she wakes up. She always pretty much did this, but I'm not sure if this is a problem. I randomly called her when I saw her online, and she sounded a little stunned when I called. But the conversation led to good things. But deep down, I think she knew I knew she was active at the time I called.

 

How should I play this? Did I take a risk meeting someone online overall? Or is it that she could be cold, showing me all of these signs of "loyalty" and crazy in love with others? The caveat here is that we're only dating and not in a relationship, so could I be in this too much? Thanks for your honest analysis.

 

Really though, I asked this earlier, but how do you know when she's doing it?

[CazK1988]

Really though, I asked this earlier, but how do you know when she's doing it?

 

Jenn, this particular site you can log off and go to the user's profile and it actually shows if they are either online or the number of days since their last log-in. So this way she won't be able to see that I actually viewed hers.

[CazK1988]

So, along with my original post, new updates:

 

So we still do not call each other but we text here and there. One day I randomly called her and when she picked up she sounded weirded out that I called her, but we ended up talking for 30 minutes. She's not really an extrovert it seems. Like she can't bring up talking points and often there will be a break in silence. I tell her she can always call me whenever, and she says "I'll keep that in mind". But still texts me. So it's like she's in for it and not in for it at the same time. She wants to take things "slow" and is seeking a relationship, but she asks me to spend the night, we got physical (no intercourse but foreplay) and she invites me to her graduation in May (where her parents will meet me for the first time) and I think we are not that vested to do that at this point. I don't 'feel' like we are that close enough for me to see her parents, etc. Yet, she still logs on to her dating sites here and there, and still tells me she really likes hanging out with me, etc.

 

She told me about her ex when I asked her. It was an ex of 7 years, she was hurt, etc. but she actually admitted that she did not have much communication going on on her end, but she really wouldn't go too much into detail about what all happened. I find she may be hiding something. When I bring that topic up, you can tell she doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Something is up here, and the gut feeling I have always had is coming. I sense that maybe or maybe not she is a user, and she wants to show that she has gotten over this ex with me in the picture, and in reality she isn't and may still be looking for something else. Afterall, she was the first one to hit me up on the dating site, so there must've been something she liked. But I can't wrap my hands around why she has not escalated this to something more exclusive - while we have already done some physical stuff, spent the night, kissed, etc.

 

Now on the physical side...she said she is a VIRGIN. In my mind, I'm like your ex of 7 years not once had sex with you? That's odd. When we kiss, it's SO AWKWARD...to me it seems like she has no experience kissing AT ALL. She seems scared to touch me, really timid like she is very inexperienced. She said she has told all her friends about me; her mother, sister, girlfriends and one of them wants to meet me this weekend. I don't know what the heck is up with her, but SOMETHING is weird...can someone throw me a bone here?! Thanks!

[Mo_Do]

Sounds like you're the rebound guy..

[CazK1988]

Sounds like you're the rebound guy..

 

What makes you so sure?

[ktya]

What makes you so sure?

 

 

Looks like you are step in boyfriend mannequin to make the ex jealous because she wants him back.

 

The awkward kisses? She wants him not you. Virgin after 7 years? She wants to take a moral high road and not cheat on him, or worse, shes still doing him (most girls dont like doing more than one guy at a time). Online dating all the time? Monitoring the ex to see if hes online.

 

Ex girlfriends can be weird. Mine dumped me, then threw up a pof profile, then hacked into my email account to see what i was doing, scoured all of my foeum accounts such as here, then had crazy ex sex roleplaying with me, then wanted me back, then was mad that i was going to meet someone off of pof (despite that she threw up an account the day after she left) and threatened to never let me speak to my stepdaughter if i went on a date. I did, she met some guy and moved in with him two weeks later with kid in tow.....

 

The point is not my story. The point is that ex girlfriends after LTRs can do totally insane weird things.

[oz-missy]

Ok how about this for a double standard. You are questioning her going onto this site, yet how else are you finding out that she is on there? Oh that's right, you are ALSO logging on to said site!

 

Stop being paranoid. You'll only end up sabotaging your relationship.

[CazK1988]

So, I played a little 'silent contact' game with her by not texting her for a long period of time. I realized that she started now texting me in the morning (which she rarely did) and trying to spark more conversation. To me it seemed like she had a feeling that I was possibly walking away (and I did that on purpose to see if she would recognize) and she took the bait. I could tell she missed not hearing from me during long periods of that day.

 

But still...she continues to log on the dating site. Now its in every 2-3 day increments. So, this weekend I'm going to give her the talk and see where her head is to gauge where things are. Somehow I have a feeling she is trying to hedge and either test out her dating options or she is really not interested in me but doesn't want to say it. Either way...I have options, but I do like her. I am just getting weirded out by her constantly logging on so much. No we are not exclusive but I am afraid if I ask for that it will bring more paranoia to find she still logs on there.

 

At this stage, I don't know what else to do. But we will have the TALK soon. My questions will primarily be:

 

1. We have been dating for 2 months now...where do you think we should go from here now? What are you looking for out of this?

2. You first said you want to take things slow (obviously the physical stuff we are doing and you inviting me to your graduation where I would essentially be meeting your parents is a big deal). So is this slow enough for you? What's too fast?

3. How serious are you about wanting a relationship?

 

 

Or am I still ahead of myself too soon? I'm just not 'feeling' anything at this point. It's kind of bland. She 's very professional talking all the time. Very guarded (and she admitted that) and very ambitious about her career, etc (which is great, but what about balance?) So...thoughts?

[Leigh 87]

I wouldn't do anything. Honestly.

 

 

I have never seen a guy or a girl who took two months to figure out what to do with a person they were REALLY into.

 

 

When you are truly taken by someone, it can even happen upon first site or after/during the very first date; you immediately want to only focus on them. At this stage, one or both people would only bother to go online if they are worried/unsure if the other person feels the same way.

 

...Even when people DO remain online after they meet someone they are really into, they would be thinking " well, I would definitely rather only focus on this one person since I am VERY much into them, however; I am unsure as to whether THEY feel the same way about ME, therefore I will stay online and explore my prospects since THEY could also be doing the same. It is too soon to ask them yet if they remain online.."

 

In short: if you are into someone in the immediate chemistry type of way, where you get all excited about them from date one? Being REALLY into a person means that you simply switch off to other people and only look at them until you know how the person you are into feels; the second they want you to be exclusive, they would immediately close down their account.

 

 

 

 

 

I started a thread regarding the different ways couples begin their relationships.

Some people are just really into one another from date one, where as other people are lukewarm and fairly indifferent about the other person initially, but they "grow" to like then over time.

^^^^ Your girl is definitely the type of girl who grew to like you more as more time elapsed, since your first meeting.

If she was smitten with you from date one she WOULD NOT be online months later. Sorry.

It is hard to find someone you're smitten with immediately, most people tend to take a while to feel that crazy for another person.

 

 

 

Personally, I hold out and wait twice as long to meet men who I am into immediately, on the first date.

I have had wonderful guys fall for me whom I simply didn't feel "into". No romantic spark was there from my end.

I did not let myself "grow" to like them. I tried for like a day before ending things with them.

 

Sounds like this girl could be hoping that the romantic spark and chemistry, the passion and excitement, all grow from her end as time goes on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I am 27, and I just "know" when I meet a guy who I have a strong capacity to "fall madly in love" with. It is electric, like a spark. Something about them where you immediately know that you could very possible fall very much in love with them. Maybe, they could end up being awful people in spite of any earth shattering chemistry. That is another topic of discussion altogether:)

 

I just don't think this girl could have ever really "felt it" for you, but if you like, she may grow to be into you over time. A lot of couples start out this way, the way this girl seems to be about you. She may see you as a really reliable, good guy for her, but she is still hoping she meets a guy who is just as "good to her" but that she also feels chemistry for.

 

Perhaps she will happily settle with you if she cannot find "that guy".

[AntiSocal]

Honestly bro? Gonna get mad hate from the bitters on this site. But you should NEVER take a girl that you meet online seriously.

 

First of all they have inflated standards.

 

Second of all they have hundreds of PUA hotshot bodybuilding types messaging them 24/7 hoping to get a quick lay. I'm sure plenty of these guys beat your "girlfriends" guts in before she even met you. Thats probably why shes trying to hold off on sex. Cuz the first ten guys she met online hit it and quit it.

 

From the sound of things shes either looking for an upgrade, or looking for something on the side. She could also just be logging on for validation? See who viewed her profile/sent her messages.

 

Either way this would be a huge red flag for me. The fact that she seems to want to get serious (planning trips) but is still logging onto that site just wouldn't sit well with me personally.

 

I don't think you should confront her about it. I think you should just kinda distance yourself. Let her chase you. Don't expect too much outta this relationship because she honestly doesn't sound like the relationship type. And STOP trying to seriously date girls you meet online. Disaster waiting to happen.

 

Also how do you know shes online unless you're online too? Double standards much? Both of you seem to be only half way in it and thats no way to start a relationship. Just pull back like i said.