Fifteen Months Later...

[liplockshock]

I've been looking at posts on this website for the last fifteen months, and honestly they've helped me so much. I thank everyone on this forum for their wisdom and compassion for others. Without reading some of these topics, coping with my breakup would have been much more difficult. Now I will share my story, some things you may relate to. Just know there is hope of living the life you want after having the rug pulled out from underneath you.

 

I met my ex through a mutual friend two years before we started dating. It was my first year of university and I was off to a rough start. One of my classes was particularly difficult and he had offered to help me out. Our study session turned more into a social session, and it was then that I decided we'd be better off as friends than any sort of study buddies.

 

Contact between us was few and far between, until the summer before my father passed. We started to talk more and even spent several late nights looking for the next adventure. After my father's death I became distant from everyone, I quit school and took a leave of absence from work. I was dealing with the grief in my own way. However he wouldn't let me mourn alone, he was constantly there offering support and time to listen, which really strengthened our friendship.

 

Shortly after the new year, I began to pull myself back together. I started going back to school with a different degree, and found a new job. I was so wrapped up into changing my life for the better that we lost contact again. It wasn't until the semester ended, that we got back in touch. I offered for him to join me at a friends bon voyage party. We both drank quite a bit and ended up confessing that we had always had feelings for each other, both of us had thought the other wasn't interested. We made a choice to give it a shot, and promised that no matter what we'd always stay friends.

 

We were together for nearly two years. The first year was exciting, I ended up meeting his family a month after we started dating, and his closest friends not long afterwards. Both his friends and family approved of me and made me feel extremely welcome. They remarked about how they were happy that he'd finally found someone "good enough" and how I was the best person he had ever dated. The second year was definitely the end of the honeymoon period, however it was a smooth adjustment. We took a vacation with his friends, and even though both of us had busy lives we always found time for each other.

 

Then he went overseas for a semester, and that's when everything changed. His communication was few and far between, he never even bothered to keep in touch with his parents for the three months he was gone. During this time both of our families had suffered from medical emergencies, one effecting his mother, the other effecting my grandmother. He was not notified about his mother because his family had no way of contacting him.

 

When he came back he was distant to all of us. His family, friends, and especially myself. It wasn't even a week after his arrival, when he blindsided me with a break-up two weeks before Christmas. No one had seen it coming, we all knew that he had a lot on his plate but no one expected this. The break-up itself was emotional, both of us were crying and yelling at each other. Neither he, or myself could come up with an appropriate reason as to why.

 

The reaction of his friends was even worse. They had taken my side in the situation, despite my instructions to stay neutral. Several of them confronted him on the matter, and his best friends wife refused to speak to him for a couple of months. I was flattered that they felt so strongly about the whole thing, but knew it was unnecessary.

 

I immediately implemented NC, and did not speak to him until after the New Year. This was only to mention that he had forgotten some item's (not very important items either) at my place and that I'd be more than willing to send them to his parents home or get one of his friends to pick them up. This conversation turned into an argument, where he stated he knew this would be hard on me, to which I told him that was interesting because it felt as though I was the only one who was hurting and he was acting like he couldn't care less. I ended the conversation by telling him that he would regret breaking-up with me someday and hung-up on him.

 

A week later I recognized that my anger was inappropriate, I messaged him to apologize for my behavior. I acknowledged that the break-up was for the best, especially if he was unhappy and that I wished him the best in the future but did not want contact with him until we were both in a better emotional place. He accepted my apology and understood the need for no contact.

 

A couple of months later was his birthday, I decided to continue with no contact as the break-up was still fresh for me. A day after his birthday he messaged me asking to stop by to pick up his things as he would be in the area. I told him I was working that day and he would have to make alternate arrangements. He did not message me again for another month, however I felt ready to face him and thought I should give him back his things. I messaged him to ask if he wanted to meet so I could give him back his things. He agreed and immediately asked to meet at my house, I did not think this was the best idea, and that a neutral place would be better. We met and had coffee meanwhile discussing events that had occurred post-breakup. I didn't give him much detail, however he had told me everything that had been occurring; including his new job, his detailed plans to move to another area, as well as letting it slip that he has been watching my facebook page. After an hour I decided to leave keeping the goodbye as friendly as possible.

 

It has been a year since I've last seen him. Since then his friends have been keeping in touch with me and checking up on my life. I know they're keeping tabs on me for his benefit, so I do try to be as vague as possible.

 

Last month was his birthday, and though I know I should've stayed no contact; I honestly just wanted to wish him the best. From what his friends had told me he's been stuck in a rut for the past year. I messaged him to wish him happy birthday, and that I hoped his life was going well and that I wished him all the best for this birthday and all the ones that will follow. His reply was extremely positive and I didn't want him to think I was trying to lead him into a relationship so I ended the conversation right away.

 

During this past year I've gotten several promotions at work, made the honor roll at school, gotten certified for training in my field of study. I've changed my diet to become more healthy, and began to work-out and took up yoga to build my confidence in my strength of body and mind. I also have signed a couple of modelling contracts with local businesses in order to help pay for my schooling, to lessen my dependance on student loans. I've even went out for a few dates, none of which were too serious but just for fun.

 

I've done all of this through following NC and working on what I need to fulfill my own goals and find happiness. I'm feeling more confident in myself than ever before. Though I still miss him at times, I think I always will. Without this breakup I never would have found myself and for that I'm truly grateful.

 

Though he was and always will be an important part of my life, though NC I've healed. I no longer wish he'd bathe in razorblades, but now I wish that he finds whatever he's looking for, even if it's not me. He made his decision, and we were the only people who couldn't make each other feel better about it. The only person who can change how you feel is you. Who knows, maybe it'll work out in the future, maybe it won't, but you must love yourself before anyone can properly love you.

 

So have faith in you... make yourself the best you possible. As long as you fulfill your own needs first, everything else is just a bonus. Do not allow others choices and actions bear the responsibility of your happiness.

[iDrumKing]

I can't wait until the day I reach indifference like you.

[liplockshock]

To be honest it takes a lot of hard work.

In the beginning I was heartbroken. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I ended up rebounding with someone who was the complete opposite of my ex-bf.

The first couple of months was tough. Then I just stood back and took a look at it all and asked myself: "if I were a stranger would I want to know me?"

The answer was no.

Be the person you want to meet, be the person you want your ex to look at and regret leaving. Through this process of self growth you'll realize that you couldn't care if they came back or not.

[Chi townD]

I LOVE success stories!! I wish we get a few more around here! I'm glad that reading threads here inspired you to heal and move on! This story made my day.

 

 

A lot of us Veteran's that hang around here like Tara and Flitz and the others, we don't get to read too many success stories because the goal of this place is to get you healed and moving on with your life so you don't have to depend on this site anymore. And that's the way it should be. Their posts get less and less frequent until they're gone all together and on to bigger and better things!

 

 

But, it's nice when some come back (or in your case, announce themselves as using this site for their personal healing) and tell us how things turned out for them.

 

 

So, thank you for sharing! I hope this inspires folks that are still struggling.

[mangetout]

That's helped me today. Thank you

[liplockshock]

@ Chi town D

 

Thank you for your reply

I enjoy reading the success stories too, in fact they've helped me when I was at my lowest. I would like others to read this and be inspired that it's possible to live happily ever after breaking up.

 

@ mangetout

I'm glad just keep trying to be a better you!

[RDawg]

Yes it takes a lot of hard work. The lazy option is just to wallow in the misery.

 

I'm like, "well I was happy in that relationship, I was doing pretty well thanks, job was going great, cycling every day, enjoying a good social life etc etc"

 

And then DUMP! Now I have to work on myself again? Wha? At the age of 42? I have to start over? Are you fricken kidding me??!!

 

Oh well. If that's how its gonna be then that is how its gotta be.

[liplockshock]

@ RDawg

 

Life rarely ever grants us the privilege of walking the easy path.