My Ex

[Benny2014]

My relationship ended about 9 months ago now, everyone i know expects me to be over long before now, but the truth is, i'm not. I've only seen her for a minute in a crowded bar with her new boyfriend once in all this time since it ended but i know i still love her as much as i ever did before.

 

We met at work when we were both 19 years old. When we both looked back on that first meeting we 100% agreed that there was instantly something there between us. As time went on we got to know each other better and really started to share some kind of connection with one another. Unfortunately i didn't act fast enough and one of her male friends asked her out before i did.

 

Yet even though she was with someone else early on we carried on with each other like there wasn't a boyfriend involved - we never crossed the line into cheating i might add, which i always thought made things more special. That we could be that good together without it even needing it to be physical.

 

And then eventually she came to her senses and left that boyfriend and we got together officially. For a long time from that point things were perfect, "honeymoon period" and all that.

 

But then all the road blocks got in the way, we were both very different people after all when we first met, she was this beautiful, popular, sociable girl who could fit in easily in any social situation. And then there was me, not much to look at and very socially awkward without any of my own friends outside of the office. But that never mattered to her, one of my many reasons for falling for her. It still caused us problems, like when she wanted to go out with her friends at the weekend i would be come unnecessarily moody and paranoid due to fear that she would find someone better while she was out, plus i would always hear stories of how easily people can cheat on their partners when they go out drinking.

 

So eventually i got to a point where i knew i had to "alter" these negative aspects of myself otherwise i would lose her. So i made some friends of my own, started having a bit more of a life for myself so that she would see as more of an equal. But what i didnt expect was that alot of the time this would cause us more problems, me having my own friends caused her to fear i wouldnt need her anymore so she wasnt overly keen on me going out that often. But for the most part that was fine with me, given the choice of going out drinking with my friends - or spending a night in with her a good film and a chinese takeaway (her favourite), she would win every time.

 

 

After we had been together for 2 years and been through more than our fair share of problems and issues, she got a much better job that what i had, company laptop, phone, a few hundred more a month than what i was earning, then she moved out, got her own place and i was incredibly proud of her for doing so well, it made her so happy to have all that independence. I think from that point though she started to see me in a different light, someone who was going no where in life and showed no visible sign of changing that. I never realised this at the time until it was too late.

 

The biggest issues we had was not getting along with each others friends and family. Her friends seeing me for the socially awkward person i was made them all think that she needed someone more like her, my own friends seeing her as someone who should accept me as i am and not expect me to be what her friends wanted me to be, perhaps they were right in some regards. We both let our friends influence our relationship too much and it chipped away at our bond until, inevitably we had to split up.

 

We didnt speak for a few months and then in one random night, seemingly out of no where we started talking again and within 2 months we were back together again and things seemed as great as they were in the beginning. But like a lot of people seem to think, getting back together with an ex is never a good idea.

 

I started to find out, through my own suspicions as well as what people would tell me, that she had been cheating on me on and off through jan - june last year. I knew this was true as i did the pathetic thing of going through her phone and seeing it for myself. But even though i new she had been doing this, and i did confront her with it. I still loved her more than anything or anyone so i forgave her. we stayed together for another month or so but then she finally had enough when we ended up in another argument about our friends.

 

It was her that decided to end things finally. I wanted to try and stop her but i knew she had made up her mind and let it happen. In the time since i thought over and over as to why it ended and despite what you may think when you read this, i truly believe that it all boils down to me not being the man she wanted me to be. My job was inferior, my social skills still poor and my physical state was nothing impressive, with all that coupled with the issues we had there really wasnt any good reason for her to stay with me.

 

That was in june last year. We've never spoken to or seen each other since. I tried seeing someone else but there was just no spark, unfortunately she didnt feel the same and has been with a new man for the last 5 months, i know i shouldn't but i looked at her facebook the other night, she seems so happy. And the hard thing i have to accept is that i want her to be happy even if it isnt with me. That doesn't mean to say that i dont want her back. I would be back with her in a heartbeat if i knew that she wanted me. Despite all the hurt we've caused one another and all the bad things that happened, i don't care. I love her more than anything and no matter how many other girls ive met in the time since we split, i literally cannot look at them in the same way that i did my ex. She will always be perfect to me.

 

So now i've found myself a much better job, its even better than hers not that its a competition, i'm starting to go to the gym to get in better shape, wearing better clothes that suit me and putting some money away so that i can move out as well. I'm not doing any of this in some vain attempt to win her back because a large part of me knows it wont happen now. I'm doing this for me because the man she wanted me to be, is exactly who i SHOULD be.