Has she lost interest or something else

[ktya]

Started dating this girl 2.5 months ago. Have texted back and forth with her pretty well every day. When I first met her I was multi-dating and she kept asking me about the other girl I was seeing and gave me space. After I broke it off with the other girl and told her she said she was very jealous of the other girl and was trying to give me space because she thought I liked the other girl more and she didn't want to get hurt.

 

Well that little love triangle broken I spent a weekend with her and she professed her love for me, in the phrase, "I love you. And I'm not joking."

 

We had a half a week where the "I love you" bombs were flying and she was calling me and saying how much she missed me. She talked about the logistics of marriage, churches and when she wanted to have kids. I admit I got a bit mushy in there too but its hard not to when your on those sorts of topics.

 

Over the past few days though she now has sometimes taken 12 hours or more just to respond to a text message. The calls have largely stopped, she had a really high cell bill and said that incoming was unlimited. When I call her she doesn't always answer or even text back later.

 

I still talk to her every day somewhat but it feels a bit stale and feels like quite the crash after just a week ago things being so intense. I left that weekend somewhat in a daze happy that I had pretty well scored a girlfriend. Here a week later I almost feel like I've been dumped and the BF/GF label wasn't even made official.

 

Figure she's lost interest? Maybe just pulling back to think about it all? Maybe a bit scared? She made a quip that disturbed me, she was saying she was sick with a cold and I said I wished I could be there to feed her soup, she said that I needed to find a better girl than her.

 

What would a good course of action be for me to take? I'm thinking initially of pulling back on the contact, mostly because it's somewhat frustrating sending a text message and getting nothing back for hours whereas before we would text back and forth all day. I don't want to pull back on the contact too too much because she recently moved to a nearby city (few hours away).

 

Background I've had sex with her loads of times and she's stayed the night at my house quite a few times and even has a toothbrush here. When she moved she said she would come to see me every week as she has family here.

 

I really like the girl and would be happy to have her as a girlfriend, she has her act right together. She 31 me 37.

[ExpatInItaly]

Started dating this girl 2.5 months ago. Have texted back and forth with her pretty well every day. When I first met her I was multi-dating and she kept asking me about the other girl I was seeing and gave me space. After I broke it off with the other girl and told her she said she was very jealous of the other girl and was trying to give me space because she thought I liked the other girl more and she didn't want to get hurt.

 

Well that little love triangle broken I spent a weekend with her and she professed her love for me, in the phrase, "I love you. And I'm not joking."

 

We had a half a week where the "I love you" bombs were flying and she was calling me and saying how much she missed me. She talked about the logistics of marriage, churches and when she wanted to have kids. I admit I got a bit mushy in there too but its hard not to when your on those sorts of topics.

 

Over the past few days though she now has sometimes taken 12 hours or more just to respond to a text message. The calls have largely stopped, she had a really high cell bill and said that incoming was unlimited. When I call her she doesn't always answer or even text back later.

 

I still talk to her every day somewhat but it feels a bit stale and feels like quite the crash after just a week ago things being so intense. I left that weekend somewhat in a daze happy that I had pretty well scored a girlfriend. Here a week later I almost feel like I've been dumped and the BF/GF label wasn't even made official.

 

Figure she's lost interest? Maybe just pulling back to think about it all? Maybe a bit scared? She made a quip that disturbed me, she was saying she was sick with a cold and I said I wished I could be there to feed her soup, she said that I needed to find a better girl than her.

 

What would a good course of action be for me to take? I'm thinking initially of pulling back on the contact, mostly because it's somewhat frustrating sending a text message and getting nothing back for hours whereas before we would text back and forth all day. I don't want to pull back on the contact too too much because she recently moved to a nearby city (few hours away).

 

Background I've had sex with her loads of times and she's stayed the night at my house quite a few times and even has a toothbrush here. When she moved she said she would come to see me every week as she has family here.

 

I really like the girl and would be happy to have her as a girlfriend, she has her act right together. She 31 me 37.

 

That would raise flags with me. Did you ask her why she said that? I would suspect she's done something she doesn't feel proud of. Before I read that, I could have imagined she's been busy or nervous about diving in full-force. But that comment combined with her pulling back would send an alarm bell ringing for me. Ask her what's going on. Be direct but non-confrontational. If she's actually losing interest, you deserve to know that.

[Assasda]

Just go with the flow. The honeymoon period has got to pass

[ktya]

That would raise flags with me. Did you ask her why she said that? I would suspect she's done something she doesn't feel proud of. Before I read that, I could have imagined she's been busy or nervous about diving in full-force. But that comment combined with her pulling back would send an alarm bell ringing for me. Ask her what's going on. Be direct but non-confrontational. If she's actually losing interest, you deserve to know that.

 

Yeah that comment kind of threw me for a tailspin too, and unfortunately put me into a less than confident frame of mind. I've been trying to talk to her by voice regularly with her being away, especially since that comment.

 

She also had plans to come and visit her family and also me today but with work being short staffed she said that she might not be able to make it for another week.

 

So I'm left in a total tailspin here. While I still have some communications with her every day mostly in short text messages, and it being difficult to get ahold of her by voice much of the time and then on top of that not seeing her face to face I'm fearful I'm going to turn to the dark side and get needy in this vacuum and make things worse.

 

She only moved a week ago, and left with the "I love you" bombs flying around in full effect. I cant picture what has changed so dramatically. We're not even officially boyfriend/girlfriend yet although I'm trying for the label.

 

Weird

[ExpatInItaly]

Why didn't you ask her what she meant by that comment? You should bring it up if you want to get to the bottom of it. Say it's been on your mind and you'd like her to tell you if there's something you should know about. Otherwise, it will continue to bother you and you'll create all sorts of scenarios in your mind of what she could have meant.

[ktya]

At the time I just took it as a low self esteem thing. As I mentioned in my OP, when I was dating her and another girl she took distance because she figured that I liked the other girl more and if she let herself fall in love with me she was afraid she was going to get hurt. The comment was couched in awww's at how I was being sweet. I told her in response that she was my one and only girl and that I wasn't interested in dating anyone else.

 

*But* it was around that time that the contact started to slow down too so you might have a point that there might be more to that comment than I originally thought.

 

What I'm most afraid of at this point is getting a fierce case of one-itus and between her being in another city and contact slowing down getting all needy and doing something stupid.

 

If your wondering what it is that I want out of all of this, is for her to just accept the damned label and have regular contact with me and weekly visits, where she comes here to see me and family, and I go over there to visit her.

 

I was honestly done with serious relationships altogether after breaking up with my ex 4 months ago and I was going to just casually multi-date. This girl however makes me seriously reconsider that viewpoint.

 

While I've had a LDR with my now former fiancée who lived in the same city this girl moved to and didn't want to do that again, I honestly think that the physical space would give us time to hammer out a more well rounded relationship before deciding to cohabit which is a dumb mistake I've made in not doing a few times over the past 7 years resulting in some horrible living conditions.

[ktya]

Ok well I finally got a bit of traction here. She finally texted me back today from work and all seemed well. I talked about coming to visit her periodically too and that's when it came out.

 

Back when she tried to break it off with me before finding out that I had stopped seeing the other girl, she told me she had met a nice guy. When I told her I wasn't seeing the Korean anymore everything flipped and that's when she really upped the anti (when the L bombs and heavy conversations came out).

 

So ExpatInItaly was bang on. There *was* something going on that she wasn't particularly proud of. This nice guy apparently came over and spent the night at her house. I asked if it was a friend or a date, she revealed it was a date and that's when she revealed it was the same guy.

 

Now I met her multi-dating women myself, so I am not mad about it or anything, that is part of the reason why I wanted the label especially with her being in another city so I would have some confidence that pining around seeing the girl once or twice a week was worth it or to at least know that I could ethically date other women over here.

 

But the whole situation strikes me as very weird and difficult to figure out.

 

If she wanted to stick with this nice guy over there why whip 180 degrees when I revealed that I wasn't dating the other girl? Why tell me that she loves me more than him and tell me when I asked what she was going to do about him to say she didn't know. Why up the ante with all the "I love you. And I'm not joking", talking about what church to get married in, etc. talking about timelines for having kids.

 

Plus she still wants to see me. Being in another city it would be desperately easy for her to have just dropped me by SMS and have her number changed to a local number, or facebook or something. She has been texting with me every day and talking to me almost every day since last Wednesday when she left town.

 

I asked her to please let me know if she still wants to see me because I do genuinely love her and I can't read her mind and she said "for sure I still wanna see u". I suggested that I was wondering about what she was going to do with this other guy because when I asked her (after she told me she loved me more than him) what she was going to tell him she said she didn't know. She answered to that with "I dunno what I am gonna say. Sorry". In the context I take it that she was sorry to me not a sorry your chopped liver.

 

At least the situation makes more sense now. Its plausible that this guy knew when she was moving over, helped her move (probably drove her around looking for places a few weeks ago) and maybe was even under the impression that she was going to break it off with me like she tried to do (until she found out that I was no longer dating anyone else).

 

Whatever her intentions are with this other guy, and/or with me the burning truth that she had someone stay over most definitely explains the slow turnover on contact.

 

I am hoping that I can get her on the phone tonight after work, to at least figure out where we are at. Its entirely possible that this guy helped her move and she couldn't just accept all of his help knowing he was under the impression she was going to be with him and then just kick him to the curb. It's also quite possible that she fully intends to be with this guy and I'm kicked to the curb but she doesn't have the heart to spell it out. Its also possible she's confused as hell and doesn't know what she wants.

 

However I can't understand the logic.... Why up the ante from being ready to break it off to professing such a strong love for me (even coming out and saying she loved me more than this other guy) throwing out the "I Love You" stuff only to end up sleeping with the guy no more than 72 hours later. I can only surmise that the date was preplanned to coincide with the move or somehow lumped in with the move itself.

 

But at it's core I can't figure anything out until I can hear her spell out her intentions, whether it's that she wants to just see me, or just see him, or see us both, or see me only as a friend. Hopefully I can get the answers to that stuff tonight now that the elephant in the room is on the table.

 

I can't be upset with her about this. During January I was dating her and this Korean girl plus a Muslim and I was honest about it all and she had no problems hearing about it and I knew she had gone on dates with a couple other guys (one of whom, funny story, she actually slipped and called him by my name when he dropped her off at home, then came to spend the night at my place and told me what a bad date it was). Its not "cheating" until you agree to go exclusive. She met me on POF and my profile said "Casual Dating / No Commitment" and she was looking for "Dating but nothing serious".

 

If I am curbed, this will be the fastest relationship trajectory I will have ever had in my life. We were strictly casual until Thursday Feb 27 and the whole "you need to find a better girl than me" and the cooling off started Thursday Mar 6 - here we are Monday March 10th.

 

LoL, a week and a half serious relationship? I thought that was limited to elementary school. Hopefully she just got a bit trapped and confused and had a hard time unwinding things with the other guy; because with this girl's disposition I just cant see her being the type to practically maliciously lead me on. If you saw the look in her eyes when she looks at me (my roomates have) you know that when she says she loves me, she actually means it.

 

Hopefully for the sake of my sanity I can get her on the phone tonight get some answers better than I can get over text message and have a decent nights sleep. This was driving me kind of batty and despite hitting the hay at midnight last night I didn't finally get shut eye until 6am.

 

And if I'm really lucky maybe I haven't been curbed...

[Hello_is_it_me]

Does she have a mood and/or personality disorder? Could be some Bipolar borderline splitting going on here.

[ktya]

Extremely unlikely. I've dated girls with mood/personality problems before which is in large part the reason why I was contemplating never getting into a serious relationship again (the crazy comes unmasked once you move in with them).

 

This girl is really well put together. She works at times 120 hours in a week, works her butt off and even at times in the past 2.5 months I've been seeing her has held down as many as 3 jobs. Always has a sunny disposition and even when I've seen her mad... her version of mad is like some people's happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, at least now you know she is multi-dating and keeping her options open. In your position, I would perhaps start dating others too. She was honest and told you she doesn't know what she will tell the other guy, whick also suggests she's not closing the door on that yet either. She says she loves you more than the other guy - just how well does she know him? How long have they been dating? I would perhaps clarify that just so you know what you're dealing with. Also, and maybe it's just me, but that comment would put me off. I would feel like I'm in competition with someone else.

 

As far as her talking about the future, churches and weddings..well, a lot of people get caught up in the honeymoon phase. She says she loves you but apparently it's not enough to have her commit to dating only you. Fair enough, as you both stated you didn't want something serious. I would ease up on contact for a while; you're not in an exclusive/committed relationship. She has pulled back for a reason. For your own sake, I wouldn't put much more of my heart into it yet.

[ktya]

Well ExpatInItaly, you were bang on correct in your initial read so I'll give you as good of an answer as I can in hope of getting another one. :-)

 

Well, at least now you know she is multi-dating and keeping her options open. In your position, I would perhaps start dating others too.

 

I find this whole thing kind of odd. She was going to break it off with me because she was afraid I'd break her heart with the other girl when I was multi-dating her. It was the revelation that I was no longer dating anyone else that initiated her upping the ante significantly. This talk of churches and children... this was all seriously like a week ago. LOL

 

She was honest and told you she doesn't know what she will tell the other guy, whick also suggests she's not closing the door on that yet either.

 

While I wont discount that you might be right (you were before) I asked her in a bar last week after she said she loved me more than the other guy what she was going to tell him (she volunteered this info) and she said the same thing. She is a very nice, sweet girl, and she did try to break it off with me for this guy before she realized I wasn't dating anyone else.

 

I have no idea what she told the guy, whether she told him she'd break it off with me and go exclusive or if he even ever knew about me. The look on her face seemed like she sincerely didn't know how she would broach the subject.

 

But yes for now I certainly have to assume unless she says she is going to end it with the guy in clear terms, that she is not closing the door on that.

 

She says she loves you more than the other guy - just how well does she know him? How long have they been dating? I would perhaps clarify that just so you know what you're dealing with.

 

I will definitely try to clarify what the deal is with the guy. He certainly has home field advantage, and knows where she lives. If the guy works with her, for example, even if she wanted to break it off with him it could be awkward and he would always be lingering in the background.

 

Also, and maybe it's just me, but that comment would put me off. I would feel like I'm in competition with someone else.

 

I didn't get that, in the context. She was professing how much she loved me and I asked about the other guy and it just came out. That was also when I asked what she was going to tell him and she seemed to be seriously at a loss for how to approach the situation.

 

She says she loves you but apparently it's not enough to have her commit to dating only you. Fair enough, as you both stated you didn't want something serious. I would ease up on contact for a while; you're not in an exclusive/committed relationship. She has pulled back for a reason.

 

True. When I met her I was multi dating and so was she. A few times I tried to lock it down but it was a bit premature only a few weeks and she was busy, plus she was wary about me as I was dating some pretty gorgeous girls.

 

The "love" stuff didn't even come up until I wasn't dating anyone else and it came up fast and full tilt. With her preparing to move and after suggesting to break it off, I never even expected her to just drop "I love you. And I'm not joking" and it just built from there. It was all more casual before that.

 

For your own sake, I wouldn't put much more of my heart into it yet.

 

My plan is that I have to talk to this girl on the phone or in person. Whether she is going to go exclusive with me, or this other guy, or multi-date us both, or friend zone me, whether she loves me or not, loves me more than him or not, loves us both equally... these are not subjects that are well discussed in 140 character SMS messages even with multipart messages.

 

If she is feeling stuck and trapped and wants me, I'll be able to hear it in her voice (I train telephone sales people for investment banking and am very good at it myself). If she is just straight up confused and has no idea what the hell she wants, I'll be able to figure that out too. If she just wants to continue multi-dating the both of us given the nature of our relationship so far I doubt she will be afraid to say so.

 

The hard part is just getting her on the phone. From the nature of her actions and words (that you deftly detected) there is a strong pang of guilt somewhere. Whether that's feeling guilty for amping up the volume on her and I, or guilty to me for loving me and sleeping with him, I have to figure out where the guilt lies.

 

Given the situation I cant be mad and I told her so. I told her that I loved her still but I just really needed an answer if she still wanted to see me. She said "for sure I still wanna see u" and when I asked what about the guy she said "I dunno know what am gonna say" (autocorrect plus shes Filipina, she's not illiterate lol).

 

While I'm going to be a bit of a basketcase until I get that phone call or meeting, I'm just going to mentally prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I went through the whole SMS thread with an old buddy of mine and he says that its definitely not a write off just yet.