BC1980 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 We were together for 3 years, lived together (with his son), broke up in April 2013. I was basically a mother to his son because his my ex's wife died when his son was 2. I thought of him as my son, and he called me his mom. I have not had any contact with my ex's son since last summer. I want to do the right thing for my ex's son. He lost his mother, and I cannot stand for him to think that I abandoned him as well. I don't know if it's better to simply never see him again or to maintain some sort of very limited contact with him. I've had different opinions when I've asked family and friends. I've had people telling me to never see him again, people saying LC, and one even said to maintain a relationship with him. I have no wish to open up any lines of communication with my ex, but I know that sending a card/gift will do just that. My ex is the type who would feel obligated to text/call to thank me. I don't want that, but I also want to do the right thing for his son. I feel that the situation is more complicated because his biological mom is no longer living. I'm at a total loss as to what to do. Any advice would be great.
darkmoon Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 just ask his dad if he wants you to, come out and say it, it seems reasonable to offer first, but if you get a no, just ring off, he might like a man-to-man household
organizedchaos Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 just ask his dad if he wants you to, come out and say it, it seems reasonable to offer first, but if you get a no, just ring off, he might like a man-to-man household Agreed. I wish my ex would have thought of my son as you think of your ex's son. and we were together for 3 years too.
Author BC1980 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Thanks for the responses. The thing is that I don't want to break NC to ask, but I'm positive my ex would welcome me sending a card. My ex wanted to be friends after we broke up, so I'm the one who shot that down. I guess it's more about what's good for his son. Would it have a really detrimental effect to never acknowledge him again? It's so effed up because his son cried when I left, but his dad told him it wasn't my fault or choice. So is he supposed to hate his dad for me leaving? Is it better to drop off the face of the earth? Does it not matter at all?
Zahara Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) I'm going to say that you need to stay away. It's confusing enough for the child to have lost you and then to receive communication from you nearly a year later. He's going to have questions, he's going to want to talk to you, he's going to most likely hope for you to be in his life again, he may want to see you, etc. It's a messy situation. I understand your attachment but it's been nearly a year and the boy has probably grieved and let go of that attachment to you. I think the best thing to do would be to let him move on and to inflict no amount of confusion and pain again. Maybe when he's older and is able to understand the why and what, it would be much easier to have him in your life again. Edited March 10, 2014 by Zahara 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I'd say no unequivocally for the reasons Zahara stated. You are going to confuse the hell out of that kid.
forgetmenot75 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 don't do it. It's been quite a long time, and the kid might get confused as well. He is probably doing fine, no need for you to send him a post card.
Author BC1980 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I'm going to say that you need to stay away. It's confusing enough for the child to have lost you and then to receive communication from you nearly a year later. He's going to have questions, he's going to want to talk to you, he's going to most likely hope for you to be in his life again, he may want to see you, etc. It's a messy situation. I understand your attachment but it's been nearly a year and the boy has probably grieved and let go of that attachment to you. I think the best thing to do would be to let him move on and to inflict no amount of confusion and pain again. Maybe when he's older and is able to understand the why and what, it would be much easier to have him in your life again. The last thing I want to do is open up wounds and make him grieve again. That was always my dilemma. Will it hurt him more to have some kind of LC with him because it will confuse or upset him. He won't understand why I can send him a card but can't be with him everyday to do the little things. I almost think it's worse to just send a birthday card.
Author BC1980 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I'd say no unequivocally for the reasons Zahara stated. You are going to confuse the hell out of that kid. Thanks. This is why I had to ask. I can't be objective. The kid is already messed up enough without me adding to it. It seems like a nice idea, but it seems worse when I really think about it.
Zahara Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 The last thing I want to do is open up wounds and make him grieve again. That was always my dilemma. Will it hurt him more to have some kind of LC with him because it will confuse or upset him. He won't understand why I can send him a card but can't be with him everyday but not be a part of his everyday life. I almost think it's worse to just send a birthday card. I would say LC if he was older and can understand the dynamics of the why and what but if he's of a young age, the best thing to do would be to stay away. A child isn't going to understand what limited contact means and the reasons why he can only have you in his life at a minimum. He's probably let go of the attachment and is moving on with life. It would be best to allow him that stability and normalcy that he has settled into.
newmoon Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 do not contact the child. because, well... you will not ever be his "new" mom, you know? he will eventually get a stepmom and it won't be you, so let him alone. don't play with a kid's feelings and have him question his dad further about you. perhaps (although you'd never admit it), you could be using the son as a way to get back into their lives. your motives with something like this are not pure. do you send birthday card's to all the children your friends have? probably not. just go about your life and leave them to theirs. hard I know... I'm coming out of a long-term relationship too, but you have to move on.
Author BC1980 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 do not contact the child. because, well... you will not ever be his "new" mom, you know? he will eventually get a stepmom and it won't be you, so let him alone. don't play with a kid's feelings and have him question his dad further about you. perhaps (although you'd never admit it), you could be using the son as a way to get back into their lives. your motives with something like this are not pure. do you send birthday card's to all the children your friends have? probably not. just go about your life and leave them to theirs. hard I know... I'm coming out of a long-term relationship too, but you have to move on. The truth is that I don't want to open lines of communication with the ex, and sending a card probably will. So I know it's not in my best interest to send a card. Y'all are definitely convincing me it's best to stay away for good.
Author BC1980 Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I would say LC if he was older and can understand the dynamics of the why and what but if he's of a young age, the best thing to do would be to stay away. A child isn't going to understand what limited contact means and the reasons why he can only have you in his life at a minimum. He's probably let go of the attachment and is moving on with life. It would be best to allow him that stability and normalcy that he has settled into. He'll be turning 12, so I definitely don't think he's old enough to understand.
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