Who's responsibility is it to reconnect?

[Simon Phoenix]

Not at all to be completely honest, I didn't mean to make the thread give off a "hidden agenda" vibe. Do I want to contact her? GOD YES. Will I? No. I couldn't go through that again. I just wanted to get perspective(s)

 

Like I said (apparently too rudely for some), all you have to do is read this board to get perspectives, and they overwhelming state that the dumper is the one that has to initiate. Like I said, it worries me that you took one outlier opinion and tried to spin it into a conversation with two equal and legit sides. Usually when one does that they are searching for validation of a certain answer that goes against the flow but with what they want to believe deep down. It's like an Orlando Magic fan seeing some random person on a basketball message board say that Arron Afflalo should be the NBA MVP and starting a discussion putting Afflalo's name with LeBron James and Kevin Durant.

[iDrumKing]

Like I said (apparently too rudely for some), all you have to do is read this board to get perspectives, and they overwhelming state that the dumper is the one that has to initiate. Like I said, it worries me that you took one outlier opinion and tried to spin it into a conversation with two equal and legit sides. Usually when one does that they are searching for validation of a certain answer that goes against the flow but with what they want to believe deep down. It's like an Orlando Magic fan seeing some random person on a basketball message board say that Arron Afflalo should be the NBA MVP and starting a discussion putting Afflalo's name with LeBron James and Kevin Durant.

 

I understand where you're coming from.

 

- It's just hard. I knew it will be a hard road but I just didn't expect it to be this difficult

- I lost my MAIN support system and having to support myself by myself is just a hard transition and I hope that everyone here can understand

- Shoot I'll admit it. I'm weak. I feel so drained.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

No disrespect to anyone in particular but people on here can be really rude. Obviously the OP shouldn't be looking for false hopes to hold on to but that doesn't mean anybody needs to talk down to or belittle them. Were you thinking logically 1.5 months post break up? because I know I wasn't.

 

I hate when people do this.

 

No one was being mean, talking down, or belittling him. Please show me where this is happening to the OP. In fact, it seems the OP is responding positive to the advice given to him.

 

You say no disrespect AND THEN say something disrespectful to those trying to help saying some people are really rude on here. Thats equivalent to saying "I'm not racist, but...."

 

The OP is fine. He is just panicking.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I understand where you're coming from.

 

- It's just hard. I knew it will be a hard road but I just didn't expect it to be this difficult

- I lost my MAIN support system and having to support myself by myself is just a hard transition and I hope that everyone here can understand

- Shoot I'll admit it. I'm weak. I feel so drained.

 

We understand it's hard. Again, its like you are just ego hurt rather than ex girlfriend hurt. Feels like you could probably meet a girl, get to know her like this ex, and then have those same feelings EXCEPT with someone who actually cares to be with you. Also sounds like you want what you cant have. You have a date, but yet you are so concerned with someone who doesnt have enough respect for you. Thinking of that outside the box, its crazy to think about. Why put so much of your energy into someone who wont do the same? In a nutshell, thats everyone on LS, including myself at one point.

 

You're not weak, just hurt. Again, you'll be fine.

[iDrumKing]

We understand it's hard. Again, its like you are just ego hurt rather than ex girlfriend hurt. Feels like you could probably meet a girl, get to know her like this ex, and then have those same feelings EXCEPT with someone who actually cares to be with you. Also sounds like you want what you cant have. You have a date, but yet you are so concerned with someone who doesnt have enough respect for you. Thinking of that outside the box, its crazy to think about. Why put so much of your energy into someone who wont do the same? In a nutshell, thats everyone on LS, including myself at one point.

 

You're not weak, just hurt. Again, you'll be fine.

 

Exactly. I guess thats where me feeling drained comes in. I'm tired of giving my drive to someone who literally isn't with me any longer.

 

Putting that drive towards new people or new activities is just something I'm trying to get used too.

[BC1980]

Exactly. I guess thats where me feeling drained comes in. I'm tired of giving my drive to someone who literally isn't with me any longer.

 

Putting that drive towards new people or new activities is just something I'm trying to get used too.

 

NC is difficult. It's no walk in the park, but imagine contacting her and having to relive the breakup. Because I actually did that after 3 months NC, and I wish I could take it back. I willingly walked into more rejection. I had only myself to blame. I think it was worse than the actual breakup day. The worst case would be to make contact and find out your ex is with someone else because that will eventually happen.

[crazybestie101]

Exactly. I guess thats where me feeling drained comes in. I'm tired of giving my drive to someone who literally isn't with me any longer.

 

Putting that drive towards new people or new activities is just something I'm trying to get used too.

 

Dude , its okay to have such thoughts at the begining of post break up but its never too good to act upon it. Take my example or many others here. I have been strict NC for 6 months , didnt even wish him on his bday. I haven't even heard a word from him in 6 months. When someone has made up their mind and too stubborn , there is nothing much you can do to change their mind. When our ex's chose to break up , their mind was already set up to live without us. I was at your place before where i was counting days , finding ways , keeping hopes that after X number of months he will reach out but NOTHING. Now , i kinda realized he sees me in completely different light and will probably never come back , so i dropped hope. It was hard but you learn to live. I was deseperate , needy , psycho ex when i joined this community. I turned down advices here but eventually learned reality hard way. Here, i am walking towards recovery. Listen to what people say here , hang in there.. Good luck!

[iDrumKing]

NC is difficult. It's no walk in the park, but imagine contacting her and having to relive the breakup. Because I actually did that after 3 months NC, and I wish I could take it back. I willingly walked into more rejection. I had only myself to blame. I think it was worse than the actual breakup day. The worst case would be to make contact and find out your ex is with someone else because that will eventually happen.

 

You know what's weird? I have a notion that she's already with someone. Whether that is true or not... I'm okay with it regardless. Is that weird?

 

I confuse myself at this point because I don't know what I want.

[guest572]

I too have heard people say it can be the dumpee's responsibility to reconnect, if they have done the wrong thing and caused the breakup and have changed their ways. At the end of the day, they are opinions and neither is right or wrong. However I reckon in most cases it should be the dumper who reaches out.

[Sandy99]

iDrumking: Ultimately it's your decision whether you reach out or not to your ex. People on this site can give you advice, but in the end only you know your own personal situation. There is no one size fits all way to go about a break up. Generally it's best to stay away from them for a while after the break up because both parties are probably kind of emotional and maybe acting irrationally. So waiting at least 3 or 4 months is usually best. But sometimes your ex is the only one who can heal you in the end. Even if that means you call after 4 months and you realize they have moved on. Sometimes there just needs to be some sort of contact at some point. I think it probably also depends on if you were friends at one time or what kind of relationship you had or if they are the type who can't be alone, so they'll likely be with someone. Only you know what's best for you in the end, but waiting to make contact until you feel very calm and don't mind if they are dating somebody else is probably best because you don't want to re-live your break up all over again. Ignorance is definitely bliss.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

iDrumking: Ultimately it's your decision whether you reach out or not to your ex. People on this site can give you advice, but in the end only you know your own personal situation. There is no one size fits all way to go about a break up. Generally it's best to stay away from them for a while after the break up because both parties are probably kind of emotional and maybe acting irrationally. So waiting at least 3 or 4 months is usually best. But sometimes your ex is the only one who can heal you in the end. Even if that means you call after 4 months and you realize they have moved on. Sometimes there just needs to be some sort of contact at some point. I think it probably also depends on if you were friends at one time or what kind of relationship you had or if they are the type who can't be alone, so they'll likely be with someone. Only you know what's best for you in the end, but waiting to make contact until you feel very calm and don't mind if they are dating somebody else is probably best because you don't want to re-live your break up all over again. Ignorance is definitely bliss.

 

I disagree with this.

 

Waiting to make contact till three or whatever amount of time is going to just delay ANY sort of progress. ALL the OP is going to do is patiently wait till the three month period like it's his birthday circling it on his calender and what not. What good is THAT going to do? The rest of your advice is sound, but if you are trying to move on, why give it a specific date?

 

There isn't an exact "one size fits all" but there is human emotions. THOSE are the same. Once an ex is done, they are usually done in the end. IF they ever want to reconcile again, it's all up on them. If the OP waits for like three months then just randomly comes back, then the ex is going to know exactly what he wants. She will see right through it. REAL healing and REAL moving on is what needs to happen. If after a LONG period of time (usually longer than months) has passed, MAYBE...but most reconciliations don't happen until both parties fully move on and become two different people. Thats just the way it is.

[David87]

I disagree with this.

 

Waiting to make contact till three or whatever amount of time is going to just delay ANY sort of progress. ALL the OP is going to do is patiently wait till the three month period like it's his birthday circling it on his calender and what not. What good is THAT going to do? The rest of your advice is sound, but if you are trying to move on, why give it a specific date?

 

There isn't an exact "one size fits all" but there is human emotions. THOSE are the same. Once an ex is done, they are usually done in the end. IF they ever want to reconcile again, it's all up on them. If the OP waits for like three months then just randomly comes back, then the ex is going to know exactly what he wants. She will see right through it. REAL healing and REAL moving on is what needs to happen. If after a LONG period of time (usually longer than months) has passed, MAYBE...but most reconciliations don't happen until both parties fully move on and become two different people. Thats just the way it is.

 

Very well said, I don't see the point in waiting around for 3 or 4 months, that to me is a waste of time. Maybe you met a better girl during this time but you blew her off because you hope that your ex might come back.

 

And I don't see why, as a dumpee, would you accept to get back together with a person that crushed your heart and soul and can do it again and again..... why torturing yourselfs..... wake up people ex's ar ex's for a reason.

[WYSWYG]

This thread has offered a lot of insight. I think it's always beneficial to any reader when different views are presented.

 

OP, you're still attached. We all wish we can avoid the emotional turmoil but that's the big part of accepting the BU - she no longer cares.

 

Your emotions can cloud your judgement. You may disregard any sound advise and learn the hard way - try to reach out and face another rejection. But who knows, it may be the last blow you need to re-affirm w/ reality.

 

In the end. It will be you against yourself.

 

At least you can post here and know that the keyboard offers consolation.

 

"Most of us here, at this moment, is also mourning a loss like you. Hang in there.."

[iDrumKing]

This thread has offered a lot of insight. I think it's always beneficial to any reader when different views are presented.

 

OP, you're still attached. We all wish we can avoid the emotional turmoil but that's the big part of accepting the BU - she no longer cares.

 

Your emotions can cloud your judgement. You may disregard any sound advise and learn the hard way - try to reach out and face another rejection. But who knows, it may be the last blow you need to re-affirm w/ reality.

 

In the end. It will be you against yourself.

 

At least you can post here and know that the keyboard offers consolation.

 

"Most of us here, at this moment, is also mourning a loss like you. Hang in there.."

 

Thank you and I appreciate it. Everyone here has given pieces of advise that is very valuable to me. The next closest person I wish I could speak is my sister, but she's never been in a break up. She's been dating and is now engaged to a guy she dated back in HS. They're 26 now. So advise from her wouldn't hit me as hard, as bad as that sounds.

[Sandy99]

To the people above. We all give advice based on our own experience and well, pretty much all my exes have come back...so there you go. A few have come back ready to get back together anywhere from the six to eight month mark. The OP sounds like a nice enough guy. His ex might be kicking herself right now, you never know.

 

I didn't mean circle three months on the calendar, but if after you feel calm and manageable and you feel like making contact, you can do that. The important thing is getting yourself calm and manageable. The point is to try to move on from the frenzy of the break up. Once you feel past that, sometimes you can have a dialogue and sometimes you can't. Either way no matter what you are moving on because you shouldn't ever just go back to an old relationship. Even if you start something again with the same person, it would have to be a fresh start. You'd have to move past the break up stage no matter what.

[WhiteTan]

I hate when people do this.

 

No one was being mean, talking down, or belittling him. Please show me where this is happening to the OP. In fact, it seems the OP is responding positive to the advice given to him.

 

You say no disrespect AND THEN say something disrespectful to those trying to help saying some people are really rude on here. Thats equivalent to saying "I'm not racist, but...."

 

The OP is fine. He is just panicking.

 

My post wasn't intended to be disrespectful at all, it was a friendly reminder for people to be polite.. and yes, there was a snide tone going on in this thread. If you didn't notice, that's your business but apparently other people did because they liked my post?

 

Sorry you hate when people do this, I hope it didn't inconvenience you too much.

Have a good day.

Edited March 12, 2014 by WhiteTan

[David87]

To the people above. We all give advice based on our own experience and well, pretty much all my exes have come back...so there you go. A few have come back ready to get back together anywhere from the six to eight month mark. The OP sounds like a nice enough guy. His ex might be kicking herself right now, you never know.

 

I didn't mean circle three months on the calendar, but if after you feel calm and manageable and you feel like making contact, you can do that. The important thing is getting yourself calm and manageable. The point is to try to move on from the frenzy of the break up. Once you feel past that, sometimes you can have a dialogue and sometimes you can't. Either way no matter what you are moving on because you shouldn't ever just go back to an old relationship. Even if you start something again with the same person, it would have to be a fresh start. You'd have to move past the break up stage no matter what.

 

Well you said that I talk from my experiences... Let me give you some insight. I loved 2 girls my whole life. The first one dumped me in 2012, since then I dated alot hell I even found a new girl to love. A couple of months ago I wanted to contact her, but I couldnt, I don't know why maybe it's because she'll reject me or something( I still care about her a lot btw).

 

And the is the second girl that I loved, we ended our business in december 2013, since then I dated, fooled around with lots of girls, but If i were to see her I think I would freeze or something. The thing is that when you really love someone and it's with all your heart, you'll always care about them despite the hurt and sorrow that they caused you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

To the people above. We all give advice based on our own experience and well, pretty much all my exes have come back...so there you go. A few have come back ready to get back together anywhere from the six to eight month mark. The OP sounds like a nice enough guy. His ex might be kicking herself right now, you never know.

 

I didn't mean circle three months on the calendar, but if after you feel calm and manageable and you feel like making contact, you can do that. The important thing is getting yourself calm and manageable. The point is to try to move on from the frenzy of the break up. Once you feel past that, sometimes you can have a dialogue and sometimes you can't. Either way no matter what you are moving on because you shouldn't ever just go back to an old relationship. Even if you start something again with the same person, it would have to be a fresh start. You'd have to move past the break up stage no matter what.

 

All mine came back too. Not the point. If the ex was kicking herself, again she would let him know. Thats what I'm saying. Nothing more or less.

[David87]

Edit to my previous post: If they were to come back I wouldn't have the courage to start over because they broke my trust, they hurt me very bad.

 

Remember a broken vase isn't the same after you glue it back together. I still think that is a huge mistake to get back together with an ex.

[iDrumKing]

Edit to my previous post: If they were to come back I wouldn't have the courage to start over because they broke my trust, they hurt me very bad.

 

Remember a broken vase isn't the same after you glue it back together. I still think that is a huge mistake to get back together with an ex.

 

I agree with you. If I was presented with the opportunity, if she begged and cried, and was even truly sincere about being sorry and that she wanted to work it out... I would simply say no. There's no going back. The state of emotion she placed me in is something I'm trying to move on from and that "emotion" will always be tied to her.

[chir]

I think this might well be the difference between man and woman.

 

For woman we will still love and get back to the love of our life if they really

show they are sincere.

 

For man, we can begged and cry .. you may even still love her.. but no

because this pain u gotten u associated with her. .so no way..

 

As a woman I can't understand. . Love is the utmost importance. . If u do show

u care. .. and meant it ...and want to make it work.. n I still love you..

i will never be able to stop myself. .because I love this person. .

 

After reading your post it kinda hurts and helped at the same time.

I am his pain his poison ..He will never ever come back. ..

because he told me almost the same thing. Even though if given a chance I will replace

the pain he associated with me into happiness..

[chir]

idrumking ...your last message even though I know it is not for me..

Hope u can let me reply to you like what I will to my ex..whom I will not make any contacts anymore.

 

You msg hurts me to the core.. is kind of like a closure and final verdict on me.

 

I am given the death penalty. . No amount of right doing will make things right again.

Why? If ur heart still tugs at the memories of me.. you still care..why can't you let me do it right. Why don't We make it right this time. Why can't you allow me a chance to be a better person For you. I am a better person now after the hurt I went through for losing you for mistreating you. Why can't you give me a chance to be a better person To you For you.

 

Maybe u think u love me and still love me.. but again we don't see eye to eye.

 

If you love me , truly love me you will take me back ..because love will make things right.because the pain of not cherishing you woke me up. . .. and you will want me back.. and together we will override the bad memories with happy memories again and again..

but you didn't even want to try.

 

Yes I am right all along. You claim u adore me to bits.. i am the special one whom you can't resist..yet your love an't enough

[somedude81]

To those of you who have had your dumper coming back to you wanting to try again, how long after the breakup did it occur?

[WYSWYG]

To those of you who have had your dumper coming back to you wanting to try again, how long after the breakup did it occur?

 

I got pretty close to my ex that I broke up w/ on Dec. 2011. She dated a guy for year then we got in touch again after him. She was even very supportive on my recent BU.

 

On a recent conversation, she got jealous and was very critical of another female-friend of mine and started arguing w/ me. That reminded me of how anti-social and possessive she was in our days.

 

That was last January. I can't even reach out to her as a friend anymore after that.

 

To answer your question - I eventually got in touch again w/ all my exes after at least a year from BU. At that point tho, indifference has set in. I just couldn't return their interest anymore.

[iDrumKing]

I think this might well be the difference between man and woman.

 

For woman we will still love and get back to the love of our life if they really

show they are sincere.

 

For man, we can begged and cry .. you may even still love her.. but no

because this pain u gotten u associated with her. .so no way..

 

As a woman I can't understand. . Love is the utmost importance. . If u do show

u care. .. and meant it ...and want to make it work.. n I still love you..

i will never be able to stop myself. .because I love this person. .

 

After reading your post it kinda hurts and helped at the same time.

I am his pain his poison ..He will never ever come back. ..

because he told me almost the same thing. Even though if given a chance I will replace

the pain he associated with me into happiness..

 

Some things I just can't take back.