iDrumKing Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I'm at odds right right. While I am in NC right now (1.5 months) to move on, I know some people have stated that in this time, there's a possibility that the dumper will come back. This is very unlikely, I'm not banking on it, and I'm not naive to the concept. I'm just putting it out there that I am aware that it is a possibility. Where I come to the fork in the road is who's responsibility is it to initiate the reconnection? I've hear it should be the dumpers move. I've hear that it should be the dumpee's move. What's your opinion?
jphcbpa Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 My head would think her, but my heart thinks it would be me. My heart cannot be trusted at this point so I am better doing nothing. I would think if she wanted you back, you would have heard from her or will hear from her. 3
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I'm at odds right right. While I am in NC right now (1.5 months) to move on, I know some people have stated that in this time, there's a possibility that the dumper will come back. This is very unlikely, I'm not banking on it, and I'm not naive to the concept. I'm just putting it out there that I am aware that it is a possibility. Where I come to the fork in the road is who's responsibility is it to initiate the reconnection? I've hear it should be the dumpers move. I've hear that it should be the dumpee's move. What's your opinion? As someone who has read your stuff since you got here, I have to say that you have to let this go. All of it. There is some unnecessary hope that you have that will keep dragging you down until you do something about it. Honestly man......keep moving forward. Asking these questions will keep giving you false hope. There is a LARGE chance she will never reconcile. Most dont. When they are done, they are done. Dumpees should NEVER try to "reconnect" 8
flightplan Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 If she wants you back, she'll let you know. Like it's been said, you can't trust your decisions while your hurting. But listen, if it's eating you up to reach out, go ahead and do it. Just be aware of the consequences, good or bad and be prepared to accept them. 1
Zahara Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 If someone has chosen to eliminate you from their life, it isn't up to you to keep crawling back to see if they want you back. It isn't your responsibility to make them want you, accept you or take you back. They let you go for a reason and when that reason changes, they come back -- you don't keep reconnecting to see if that reason has changed. You need to quit this path of thinking. It's stemming from your desperation and your resistance in accepting it's over. 11
Trapp-er Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 It seems pretty soon for either party to be trying to reconnect. You might find Thora-Tiki's posts on reconnecting insightful. Check those out. 1
Lifegoezon Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Agree totally with Confused. There's no debate on LS - it's always the dumper who has to initiate. You know this. Don't look for permission from folk here to initiate. You can choose but the vast majority of advice here is don't do it. You've seen enough by now to know why it's a bad idea. You're having a bad couple of days but they will pass. Better for you not to have humiliated yourself during them. Good luck. Stay strong. 5
jphcbpa Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Agree totally with Confused. There's no debate on LS - it's always the dumper who has to initiate. You know this. Don't look for permission from folk here to initiate. You can choose but the vast majority of advice here is don't do it. You've seen enough by now to know why it's a bad idea. You're having a bad couple of days but they will pass. Better for you not to have humiliated yourself during them. Good luck. Stay strong. Give it 3 more months of working on you and then see how you feel. Best to get past these emotions you feel.....and I am talking to myself too.
pickflicker Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Always the dumper. But you need to stay away from this girl. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I'm at odds right right. While I am in NC right now (1.5 months) to move on, I know some people have stated that in this time, there's a possibility that the dumper will come back. This is very unlikely, I'm not banking on it, and I'm not naive to the concept. I'm just putting it out there that I am aware that it is a possibility. Where I come to the fork in the road is who's responsibility is it to initiate the reconnection? I've hear it should be the dumpers move. I've hear that it should be the dumpee's move. What's your opinion? Who the hell told you it should be the dumpee's move? I would stop listening to that person. Unless the dumpee did something bad (like cheating) it's not their responsibility to fix something that the dumper broke. 1
Author iDrumKing Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Who the hell told you it should be the dumpee's move? I would stop listening to that person. Unless the dumpee did something bad (like cheating) it's not their responsibility to fix something that the dumper broke. I don't remember exactly which thread I found the conversation in, but if I do find it I'll post it.
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Who the hell told you it should be the dumpee's move? I would stop listening to that person. Unless the dumpee did something bad (like cheating) it's not their responsibility to fix something that the dumper broke. Totally agree. I wouldn't contact my ex at this point if she was the last human being on earth besides myself. It's entirely on the dumper to initiate any contact immediately after, or even 6 months down the road. 1
organizedchaos Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Thanks for all the insights And what do you plan to do with all these insights?
Author iDrumKing Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 And what do you plan to do with all these insights? I plan on continuing my NC. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I don't remember exactly which thread I found the conversation in, but if I do find it I'll post it. So one person says it's up to the dumpee and you place that opinion on the same footing as the hundreds of people that say it's up to dumper? That gives me a good idea of where you are at -- you are looking for any straw to hold on to right now. I mean, I could ask a hundred people what direction the sun rises from and I wouldn't get a unanimous answer. But I wouldn't ask the people who didn't answer "east" any more questions. 1
Author iDrumKing Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 So one person says it's up to the dumpee and you place that opinion on the same footing as the hundreds of people that say it's up to dumper? That gives me a good idea of where you are at -- you are looking for any straw to hold on to right now. I mean, I could ask a hundred people what direction the sun rises from and I wouldn't get a unanimous answer. But I wouldn't ask the people who didn't answer "east" any more questions. I wasn't trying to start any arguments, just a discussion really. I personally believe (like everyone here on LS has expressed) that the dumper should be held responsible to make mends.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I wasn't trying to start any arguments, just a discussion really. I personally believe (like everyone here on LS has expressed) that the dumper should be held responsible to make mends. You basically asked the equivalent of "is water wet?" Not much of a discussion. I feel that the fact that you decided that this was a discussion worth having is an indicator of where your mind is. 1
Author iDrumKing Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 You basically asked the equivalent of "is water wet?" Not much of a discussion. I feel that the fact that you decided that this was a discussion worth having is an indicator of where your mind is. That I'm not completely over everything? Yeah you're right. I'm not.
Never Again Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I plan on continuing my NC. Good. To humor you for just a second with a discussion: Neither party is "responsible" for reconnecting. Reconnection is NOT a necessity so there's no obligation. That being said, both sides are generally at fault when a relationship fails - oftentimes the dumper is a liiiiiiittle more to blame because they pulled the trigger instead of trying to work things out. However, because they decided to end it, they've got "the power" - the dumpee is so twisted up that they'll let themselves be manipulated and twirled about. This is gone over, time and time again, in pretty much every thread on here. So, to toss it out there, is it ever okay for the dumpee to reach out? Sure, but by the time they're at a point where they'd be able to reach out without a sliver of romantic intention, they generally won't want to. A lot of dumpee's, myself included, start thinking they're more healed than they really are and reach out with "no expectations" when they really have secret hopes of rekindling. Hell, even when there legitimately are no expectations, it's better to keep your trap shut because many dumpers will *assume* you're trying to rekindle, get weird, and blow you off. The new rejection, even of "just friendship" opens up those old wounds, and that sucks too. So, better safe than sorry. Stick to NC and sail onwards. 5
Author iDrumKing Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Good. To humor you for just a second with a discussion: Neither party is "responsible" for reconnecting. Reconnection is NOT a necessity so there's no obligation. That being said, both sides are generally at fault when a relationship fails - oftentimes the dumper is a liiiiiiittle more to blame because they pulled the trigger instead of trying to work things out. However, because they decided to end it, they've got "the power" - the dumpee is so twisted up that they'll let themselves be manipulated and twirled about. This is gone over, time and time again, in pretty much every thread on here. So, to toss it out there, is it ever okay for the dumpee to reach out? Sure, but by the time they're at a point where they'd be able to reach out without a sliver of romantic intention, they generally won't want to. A lot of dumpee's, myself included, start thinking they're more healed than they really are and reach out with "no expectations" when they really have secret hopes of rekindling. Hell, even when there legitimately are no expectations, it's better to keep your trap shut because many dumpers will *assume* you're trying to rekindle, get weird, and blow you off. The new rejection, even of "just friendship" opens up those old wounds, and that sucks too. So, better safe than sorry. Stick to NC and sail onwards. I appreciate the input!
WhiteTan Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) No disrespect to anyone in particular but people on here can be really rude. Obviously the OP shouldn't be looking for false hopes to hold on to but that doesn't mean anybody needs to talk down to or belittle them. Were you thinking logically 1.5 months post break up? because I know I wasn't. Edited March 10, 2014 by WhiteTan 8
CadeYeager Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 No disrespect to anyone in particular but people on here can be really rude. Obviously the OP shouldn't be looking for false hopes to hold on to but that doesn't mean anybody needs to talk down to or belittle them. Just because you're right doesn't validate communicating with a self-righteous attitude. I have to agree with WhiteTan. If the OP felt that he needed to talk to someone about what was on his mind, then isn't that what this forum is for? Everyone here keeps preaching NC,NC, and NC. Which is completely understandable. But if they aren't venting to there's ex any longer then they have to get it out somewhere. I little more sympathy should be given. No need to baby them, but no need for belittling attitude. The "obvious" course of actions are there, but it's not easy for someone who just left a relationship. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 That I'm not completely over everything? Yeah you're right. I'm not. Nor are you expected to be. But I was talking more about doing mental gymnastics to try to spin a reason for you to be justified in contacting her, which is what opening this discussion seems to be IMO.
Author iDrumKing Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Nor are you expected to be. But I was talking more about doing mental gymnastics to try to spin a reason for you to be justified in contacting her, which is what opening this discussion seems to be IMO. Not at all to be completely honest, I didn't mean to make the thread give off a "hidden agenda" vibe. Do I want to contact her? GOD YES. Will I? No. I couldn't go through that again. I just wanted to get perspective(s) 1
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