Silly_Girl Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I have a tricky relationship with my mum and every interaction we have, almost without exception, leaves me feeling upset, or annoyed or sad. She finds it very hard to be accessible emotionally. She is abrupt and acts cold. She is extremely judgemental and rarely deomstrates empathy. She has huge hang-ups about her appearance and has battled depression on and off all her life. To give an example, my sister was very detached during her recent pregnancy, due to several years of fertility issues and treatment, and some losses, she almost denied she was pregnant for many weeks (I think until week 28 or 30) rather than believe she was having babies (twins). I spoke to my mum several times about how worried I was for my sister, how really hard it must be for her, and how I couldn't imagine coping with that, being in constant fear of losing the babies after so long. My mum's response was 'well, when you have fertility issues you make that conscious decision and that's what you deal with. I had nasty late miscarriages and when I tried again I knew that was potentially what I was letting myself in for'. Lovely. Not supportive to me, or my sister. I used to be similar to her in some ways. I was judgemental and found relating to others difficult. I didn't know it at the time. I was extremely sociable (unlike her) but found the softer stuff hard, because I felt vulnerable or unworthy. I have worked through a lot of stuff and - compared to what I was anyway - think I am a bit of a hippy. I am happy to feel and explore things, and to help others to do so. I confront things if they bother me and I share my emotions with the appropriate people. I just had a conversation with my mum about my son seeking some help for some emotional issues. I am very proud, his studies (sociology and psychology) have led him to explore his mood swings more and address some issues he has from his childhood (firstly being witness to a violent relationship, and secondly being rejected by one of his parents almost entirely). I thought my mum would seem concerned, supportive. She was very matter-of-fact. She even - after the psychologist confirmed my son was essentially happ and not suicidal - described him as the sort not to grab the life ring and maybe rather than being actively suicidal he might just not prevent himself from dying 'boys react differently to girls to depression you know'. She showed zero concern and was more interested in debating what my son's biggest problems were and why. As her daughter this has been a real source of worry and concern for me, naturally, and I thought maybe she might show me a little encouragement or be positive in some way. But no. I felt like I might as well have just told the postman my woes. It's always the same. I see a counsellor an hour a week, my mum is the one underlying issue that keeps cropping up. My counsellor's advice is to limit contact with my mum as much as I like, and to keep strong boundaries. Not to asnwer the phone if I don't feel like it, not to bow to her disapproval etc. Just take what I get that's good and keep my expectations low. I find it so hard. Growing up (until about 13) my mum was my idol. I was very close to her and very protective. With my (step)dad working away I was her closest friend. Once I started growing away from her she really struggled. She couldn't control me any more and couldn't articulate her feelings so I moved out at 18 (and everything I did was wrong). Now I try to have as little contact with her as possible. Sorry for the long rambly post. Any insights? Comments? Advice?
iris219 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 It's always the same. I see a counsellor an hour a week, my mum is the one underlying issue that keeps cropping up. My counsellor's advice is to limit contact with my mum as much as I like, and to keep strong boundaries. Not to asnwer the phone if I don't feel like it, not to bow to her disapproval etc. Just take what I get that's good and keep my expectations low. Honestly, there's not much else you can do. It sounds like you're doing the right things. I have a complicated, sometimes tense, relationship with my mother too. To deal with her, I live my own life and keep our interactions as superficial as possible. I love my mother, but I've learned to detach from her. I remind myself that my mother isn't a terrible person, but she has her own pain and issues that make her difficult to deal with at time. Often our parents aren't who we need them to be, and there's not much that can be done about this. It's not ideal, but at this point, I know my relationship with my mother isn't going to change, so I try to make the best of it. 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Makes sense, thanks, is kind of where I am. I just seem to let myself be disappointed too often
amaysngrace Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I think you need to stop asking her opinion on certain things. Why do you care what she thinks anyway? I understand she's your mom so part of you has been programmed to care what she thinks but you're grown up now. You don't have to worry about pleasing your mom anymore. Now it's time for your opinion to matter more and if you want to think she's a negative, draining mental you can. 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I think you need to stop asking her opinion on certain things. Why do you care what she thinks anyway? I understand she's your mom so part of you has been programmed to care what she thinks but you're grown up now. You don't have to worry about pleasing your mom anymore. Now it's time for your opinion to matter more and if you want to think she's a negative, draining mental you can. I definitely do what I think best as opposed to worrying about her view, in fact I think it annoys her that my parenting style is the opposite of hers, for example. I don't really need her approval. I told her about my son because she's his grandma and I thought she might care I guess I still think she might sometimes show some support or be on our side. Like my friends' mums. I just need to face the facts
amaysngrace Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I just need to face the facts You do. She's not like anybody else's mother. She is who she is and from the way you describe her she sounds cold. You can't make her into something she's not as much as you would like to. So you do what it is in your control. Recognize that she is unable to provide you with the mothering aspect of herself that dotes on those she loves. That's not who she is. Accept it. And also recognize that she suffers from a mental illness. Forgive her. When you accept and forgive others you don't do it for them....you do it for you. She's not the mother you want and that's very much understandable but it's not because you're you and it's nothing you've done wrong to make her be this way. She would be this way to no matter who you are or what ever you've done or did not do. Please try to accept that too and try not to take it personally. It's nothing you've done wrong. And it's very good that you parent differently than she has if you know she did not do the best job. But try to understand that she was only doing the best she could, just like everyone else does. Seriously, you should work on forgiving her for being who she is. You'll feel better. I promise. 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 You do. She's not like anybody else's mother. She is who she is and from the way you describe her she sounds cold. You can't make her into something she's not as much as you would like to. So you do what it is in your control. Recognize that she is unable to provide you with the mothering aspect of herself that dotes on those she loves. That's not who she is. Accept it. And also recognize that she suffers from a mental illness. Forgive her. When you accept and forgive others you don't do it for them....you do it for you. She's not the mother you want and that's very much understandable but it's not because you're you and it's nothing you've done wrong to make her be this way. She would be this way to no matter who you are or what ever you've done or did not do. Please try to accept that too and try not to take it personally. It's nothing you've done wrong. And it's very good that you parent differently than she has if you know she did not do the best job. But try to understand that she was only doing the best she could, just like everyone else does. Seriously, you should work on forgiving her for being who she is. You'll feel better. I promise. I appreciate this. And you've reminded me of something I have acknowledged previously. She has moments of lucidity where she recognises she would benefit from help, from meds, from counselling. She has, when I have been very depressed, opened up to me - as if we are comrades at that point. She has confessed to being unhappy in her marriage and various other things. I think it is because of this that I am frustrated. I feel she could improve her life, improve her relationships with my sister and I, and our children, and she opts not to. Whereas I've worked really hard to try and get to a good, strong healthy place and I suppose I am being intolerant because she hasn't (in my eyes) even tried to do the same, for herself.
Recommended Posts