rumbleseat Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 How would you feel if you had found out that your ws shared emails, letters or other correspondence that was intended to be private and just between the two of you with their om/ ow during the A? Do you feel that this is acceptable? ( my guess is that most people wouldn't) Do you feel this is different than you seeing correspondence between them and the om/ ow? 2
atreides Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Given that an A is far beyond acceptable anything within that context would also fall into that category, no? Why even give into the A just to ask is private correspondence acceptable? A resounding hell no. 5
gettingstronger Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I read the original thread I think this is based from-in that thread I only addressed her feelings of insecurity as that was the basis of the thread-now this one addresses the behavior itself- YES, I think its terrible not only that the MM offered up the correspondence but that the OW read it-I don't understand how people think that the BS and OW are on the same level-the OW knowingly is involved with a MM and in my mind should not have any expectation of privacy of that relationship once dday hits-its part of involving yourself in anothers marriage- now, the BS is not willingly part of this type of thing and should have a realistic expectation of privacy- usually sharing of the A correspondence is part of R so to me its different- As far as how it would make me feel- my H shared vacation photos and talked about our family-it was nearly a deal killer for me-I was so angry that my kids were part of that mess-that she knew all about them, about our trips, what they looked like, their triumphs and tribulations- I know if they knew they would be deeply wounded that their Dad did this- 2
road Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 How would you feel if you had found out that your ws shared emails, letters or other correspondence that was intended to be private and just between the two of you with their om/ ow during the A? Do you feel that this is acceptable? ( my guess is that most people wouldn't) Do you feel this is different than you seeing correspondence between them and the om/ ow? What did your WS share?
2sunny Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I would find it unacceptable - and another huge violation of trust.
cozycottagelg Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I've never been in the situation so I can't say first hand how I'd feel. But I think this type of thing is pretty typical. I see a lot of threads where the BS's learned how much the OW/OM knew about them and their family. What else are people in LTA's going to talk about? I think there is this idea to an outsider than an affair is all secrecy and excitement...and maybe it is in movies..but based on the few people I know who have had an affair, it's literally the everyday conversations they have at home, but with someone else. 1
Author rumbleseat Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I've never been in the situation so I can't say first hand how I'd feel. But I think this type of thing is pretty typical. I see a lot of threads where the BS's learned how much the OW/OM knew about them and their family. What else are people in LTA's going to talk about? I think there is this idea to an outsider than an affair is all secrecy and excitement...and maybe it is in movies..but based on the few people I know who have had an affair, it's literally the everyday conversations they have at home, but with someone else. While I may not like the conversation aspect, I'm more referring to emails, texts and the like sent between the bs and ws that are ( at least to the bs) intended only for private viewing and not to be shared with anyone. For example, a bs sends an email to his ws , telling her he loves her and outlining some plans he has for the weekend, describing a problem at work or whatever. These are obviously not meant for public consumption. How would you feel about that?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 While I may not like the conversation aspect, I'm more referring to emails, texts and the like sent between the bs and ws that are ( at least to the bs) intended only for private viewing and not to be shared with anyone. For example, a bs sends an email to his ws , telling her he loves her and outlining some plans he has for the weekend, describing a problem at work or whatever. These are obviously not meant for public consumption. How would you feel about that? For me it would be adding insult to injury. I would consider a breach of trust and confidentially. But giving that affairs are just that, it comes with the package. 3
cozycottagelg Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 While I may not like the conversation aspect, I'm more referring to emails, texts and the like sent between the bs and ws that are ( at least to the bs) intended only for private viewing and not to be shared with anyone. For example, a bs sends an email to his ws , telling her he loves her and outlining some plans he has for the weekend, describing a problem at work or whatever. These are obviously not meant for public consumption. How would you feel about that? I don't mean to be a devils advocate, but the type of email you are describing probably isn't being shared. I doubt a OW is getting emails where the spouse is professing love. Perhaps if he/she is complaining or nagging, that would be sent as a "see what I put up with, this is why I'm so unhappy"... You are right though, in general, I wouldn't want any personal emails shared with a third party I am unaware of.
gettingstronger Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I think the thread that this was spun from had the ow with the log in and password to the personal email account so all correspondence was open to be read. But yes, I agree, most would be vetted to play along with whatever the mm would want the ow to believe about his m.
RightThere Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I think that would add a whole new layer of crap onto an already awful situation. I guess I was "lucky" in that my STBXW did not share those kinds of details with her OM. I'm sure there was some discussion about me and what was going on in our family, but from the email trail I uncovered, there was little sharing of stuff like that from her. I think any WS who shared that kind of information has less than zero respect for their spouse and really was on the road to screwing them over in every way possible. Although it's silly to think about levels of infidelity that people engage in, I think that kind of betrayal along with everything else scrapes the bottom of the barrel. 3
krazikat Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I read the original thread I think this is based from-in that thread I only addressed her feelings of insecurity as that was the basis of the thread-now this one addresses the behavior itself- YES, I think its terrible not only that the MM offered up the correspondence but that the OW read it-I don't understand how people think that the BS and OW are on the same level-the OW knowingly is involved with a MM and in my mind should not have any expectation of privacy of that relationship once dday hits-its part of involving yourself in anothers marriage- now, the BS is not willingly part of this type of thing and should have a realistic expectation of privacy- usually sharing of the A correspondence is part of R so to me its different- As far as how it would make me feel- my H shared vacation photos and talked about our family-it was nearly a deal killer for me-I was so angry that my kids were part of that mess-that she knew all about them, about our trips, what they looked like, their triumphs and tribulations- I know if they knew they would be deeply wounded that their Dad did this- My thoughts exactly. An AP is absolutely not in the same level as BS, and this is supported by how quickly they get tossed under the bus on dday... I can believe an OW asking for this..I mean there are so many who tell themselves they are in luuurve and all that....but.it is appalling behavior. The fact the mp goes along with it? Adding extra **** to the **** pile. 1
Sub Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Do you feel this is different than you seeing correspondence between them and the om/ ow? There's definitely a difference, IMO. Once someone invites themselves, or is invited by your WS, into your life without your knowledge, anything is fair game once it's discovered. I think you have a right to know about this ghoulish "thing" that hovered around you for the length of the A. Kind of interesting timing, as my WW and I had a discussion about the AP last night, and she said "I feel like you know more than I think you know" in reference to things he said to her. I told her I do. 1
yellowmaverick Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 As far as how it would make me feel- my H shared vacation photos and talked about our family-it was nearly a deal killer for me-I was so angry that my kids were part of that mess-that she knew all about them, about our trips, what they looked like, their triumphs and tribulations- I know if they knew they would be deeply wounded that their Dad did this- We learned how much the OW knew about us when she stalked my children and me after d-day. She even called my daughter and me on our cell phones (even though they are not listed in any of our names or my H's). My H said that he never gave them to her, so I am guessing that she looked at his phone when he was in the shower or sleeping. Having the OW know things about her was very gross to my daughter. This is one of the issues that she is most angry about with her father. She had to take down her facebook page because she does not want the OW to know where she is attending college. But I have to hand it to her - when people asked about her facebook account, she looked them right in the eye and told them the truth. I am proud that she does not feel that his shame is also hers. 3
gettingstronger Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Yellow, yes, like your OW ours also used all that info against my husband and I after dday. I wanted to smack him in the head for giving access to our lives to her. It really was nearly a deal killer. How dare he invite someone in my life like that. He wants to play fast and easy with his personal details is one thing, but mine and the kids.... Just sick. He never thought about how she was able to manipulate the situation with the info he shared. What an idiot right ?
Author rumbleseat Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 It does seem so disrespectful. I can't help but think that if I was in the position of ow, that it would really bother me that the ws would even consider letting me read them at all. What would that tell me about him? How could I ever trust someone who would do that to another person? If I were the bs in they situation, it would seem so offensive. I don't think that I could reconcile after being shown they deep a level of disrespect. I know that the whole A situation is incredibly disrespectful, but that would take it to a whole new level. 3
Author rumbleseat Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I think the thread that this was spun from had the ow with the log in and password to the personal email account so all correspondence was open to be read. But yes, I agree, most would be vetted to play along with whatever the mm would want the ow to believe about his m. You're correct. That thread really seemed so sad. The ws was not only disrespecting his bs, but, in a weird way, his ow. 2
gettingstronger Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I agree and I give you tons of credit for spinning it off rather than taking over the other thread. Also, as I said this one pertains to the actual act of sharing the correspondence so we can discuss it.
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 You're correct. That thread really seemed so sad. The ws was not only disrespecting his bs, but, in a weird way, his ow. I agree. It is an easy out for a WS to prove their trustworthiness. A WS sets the tone for email interactions, not an accurate picture of true personal interaction. The BS privacy rights are being violate in real time, with the intent to violate. The AP now puts themselves in a position of eavesdropping on private conversations. They are the ghoulish stalker of the BS. So what has the WS proven? That they do not care who they violate or who has to violate their character so that the WS proves that they have a trustworthy character? Doesn't that prove the opposite? It shows the WS will use other people to meet a means. They have no issue in putting their AP in a position that reflects negatively on the AP. I don't know why someone would sign up for that. 3
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