Wife cheated,what do I do?

[Deago]

I grew up in a large city, in a poor neighborhood with drug dealers and prostitutes on the four corners where the bars were located. As a child I got to see things normal people don’t encounter. One of my jobs at the corner bar run by Mr. Valiente was to clean used condoms off the floor of the bathroom. I had firsthand experience with abusive relationships. I might have been 8 or 9, old enough to know some things and what was happening between men and women, too young to fully understand. But I did not like what I saw or the people involved in what was going on, they were scum. It left a very strong negative impression on me, and I literally had to claw my way up the success ladder to get out of that environment. Now I find I’m married to one of those people, “scum.” Yes I am prejudice. I’m troubled when I caller that. I’m not making any rash decisions now or in the future. I need time to think all this out. I am who I am because of my past. She is who she is because of her past.

I want to be the understanding husband. I want to be her support. How many men reading this could stay married once they got this info about their wife?

The discussion about whether she cheated, was deceitful, was a manipulate isn’t important. She was sleeping with scum when I proposed to her. She has apologized for that. Whatever was going through her head at the time was illogical and perverted. That all happened 10 years ago and probably with counseling I could work to except what happened, or not. How do you reconcile in your head your wife performing sex acts with large numbers of men, being someone’s sex slave, being a whore?

I’m confused, I’ve been down so long it’s beginning to like up. I don’t know what to do?

[drifter777]

I grew up in a large city, in a poor neighborhood with drug dealers and prostitutes on the four corners where the bars were located. As a child I got to see things normal people don’t encounter. One of my jobs at the corner bar run by Mr. Valiente was to clean used condoms off the floor of the bathroom. I had firsthand experience with abusive relationships. I might have been 8 or 9, old enough to know some things and what was happening between men and women, too young to fully understand. But I did not like what I saw or the people involved in what was going on, they were scum. It left a very strong negative impression on me, and I literally had to claw my way up the success ladder to get out of that environment. Now I find I’m married to one of those people, “scum.” Yes I am prejudice. I’m troubled when I caller that. I’m not making any rash decisions now or in the future. I need time to think all this out. I am who I am because of my past. She is who she is because of her past.

I want to be the understanding husband. I want to be her support. How many men reading this could stay married once they got this info about their wife?

The discussion about whether she cheated, was deceitful, was a manipulate isn’t important. She was sleeping with scum when I proposed to her. She has apologized for that. Whatever was going through her head at the time was illogical and perverted. That all happened 10 years ago and probably with counseling I could work to except what happened, or not. How do you reconcile in your head your wife performing sex acts with large numbers of men, being someone’s sex slave, being a whore?

I’m confused, I’ve been down so long it’s beginning to like up. I don’t know what to do?

Asked and answered many times. I repeat:

You have just listed plenty of reasons for ending your marriage to this woman. You are never going to accept her because of what she did because her "victim" story may be true to a point, but she made decisions early in your relationship to cheat and, worst of all, to make fun of you while in bed with another man. The things she wrote in her "diary" from that day are so cruel, so disgusting that I don't see ANY man being able to forgive her. As I said before, I don't think that someone as broken as your wife could be faithful for the past 10 years but that's for you to ponder. Just know that you will never accept this and if you don't divorce her you will regret it every day for the rest of your life.

 

I don't think there are many men alive who could accept her past.

[BHsigh]

I grew up in a large city, in a poor neighborhood with drug dealers and prostitutes on the four corners where the bars were located. As a child I got to see things normal people don’t encounter. One of my jobs at the corner bar run by Mr. Valiente was to clean used condoms off the floor of the bathroom. I had firsthand experience with abusive relationships. I might have been 8 or 9, old enough to know some things and what was happening between men and women, too young to fully understand. But I did not like what I saw or the people involved in what was going on, they were scum. It left a very strong negative impression on me, and I literally had to claw my way up the success ladder to get out of that environment. Now I find I’m married to one of those people, “scum.” Yes I am prejudice. I’m troubled when I caller that. I’m not making any rash decisions now or in the future. I need time to think all this out. I am who I am because of my past. She is who she is because of her past.

I want to be the understanding husband. I want to be her support. How many men reading this could stay married once they got this info about their wife?

The discussion about whether she cheated, was deceitful, was a manipulate isn’t important. She was sleeping with scum when I proposed to her. She has apologized for that. Whatever was going through her head at the time was illogical and perverted. That all happened 10 years ago and probably with counseling I could work to except what happened, or not. How do you reconcile in your head your wife performing sex acts with large numbers of men, being someone’s sex slave, being a whore?

I’m confused, I’ve been down so long it’s beginning to like up. I don’t know what to do?

 

I feel bad for your wife for her past too, but being in bed with another man and making fun of you when you proposed would be impossible to get over, that's just beyond cruel and humiliating. And by the description that he left, it sounds like it was unprotected sex too.

 

She says that he was bigger than her and she was afraid? But why did that stop her from tearing that page out when he left? Instead she just sits down, writes more and keeps the journal? It doesn't add up to me.

 

I couldn't stay, no way, no how. Not after that.

[miguelcervantes]

Deago, the fact is that you did stay with her and from what you say, she has been a good loving wife all this time. I think you rescued her from her previous life - and now you have to cope with knowing the historical truth. You only found this out after all this time and of course it hit you like it was just yesterday. And as others have said, this is a huge thing to cope with.

 

However, I still believe that you are strong although you do need help. Get yourself some counselling and see how you feel after that. Do not make any decisions until you get help first.

 

Good luck with this.

[Deago]

I’ve scheduled an IC appointment for myself for next Thursday, I’m going alone. I will tell every detail to the psychologist I’m seeing, and then go from there. I need to take care of me if I’m going to be able to take care of anyone else.

[aliveagain]

Deago, is this story real or are you a troll? Every time you post it gets stranger and stranger and more bizarre. Your BF couldn't deal with her so he broke it off yet as your best friend he lets you marry her without a second thought about warning you about her past? After one of the parties she had to go to the hospital because of burns and cuts, if it was bad enough to require a trip to the hospital than those scars must still be on her, did you not ask about the burns and cut scars? This story is starting to stink.

[miguelcervantes]

Going to a shrink is futile since those memories stay especially after reading those pornographic details in her diary would make it harder still. Hey what women lets a man journal in her diary? The story sounds contrived.

 

Was wondering about that and how much worse it was going to get.

[DasPope]

I think the important thing is how have you been for the past 10 years ? Are you happy together ? Has the marriage been generally good ?

If so then your only choices to get over this issue are you both talking together in a non confrontational way.

You need reassurance and only your wife can provide that.

[Deago]

Over the last few days I have begun to rethink everything that has gone on since my wife first told me about her encounter. I have tried to convey to you what she has told me, and maybe more than I should have in an openly public arena. I have listened to her and empathized with her and said I’m here for her. However, with all the posts inferring that there might be more to her than I know; it has triggered ideas I never thought about. All of you come with insight from your experiences. This is all new to me; I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve begun to question in my mind the things she has told me about herself. I’m now at a point that I’m ready NOT to take them as gospel. Individuals like Aliveagain have asked very direct questions which I thought were antagonistic. But, the direct input forced me to start to raise my own questions about my relations with the people in my life. To him, I never asked about some of the blemishes on her back and belly, it just wasn’t important, they were there. About my BF, he made a decision to say nothing, he had his reasons at the time; but in hind sight I wish he had. I believe the best direction for me is the psychologist. Together I will find the truth about me and hopefully about my wife.

 

Musicmusk, my recollection is correct, unless you grew up in the slums of my city you don’t know what it was like. There were prostitutes in the alleyways servicing their customers as I walked to school. My job at this bar was to clean the bathroom. When I swept the floor there were condoms on that floor. In my 6 grade class there were 2 pregnant girls. Violence and a harsh life existed in my neighborhood that’s not fantasy, that was my reality and I worked hard to leave it behind. My post said, off the bathroom floor. You struck a sensitive cord with me, I’m sorry for the rant.

[revelations]

Deago

 

I am sorry to hear about all the pain and confusion you are going through concerning your wife. It is understandable and commendable that you want to work this out with her. After all as a husband (well I am an ex-husband) we feel it is our duty to protect and love our wife no matter what.

 

If your wife just had a colorful past that you were upset about and has given you no signs of cheating, then I would tell you to calmly discuss it with her and maybe seek IC. Sadly this is not the case, so lets look at this from an outsiders viewpoint.

 

You and your wife were dating and by your description you were in a committed relationship or at the very least lead to believe it was a committed relationship. You did know of her past about banging guys on the first date, you got a taste of that yourself. You tried to head that off by proposing to her before the date, however you were too late and was unaware of it.

 

Now at this point and if that was all their was then my only problem would be with her keeping it a secrete. At that point she should have told you that she did bang him and give you the chance to see if you still wanted to marry her. That would be something that she definitely owes you an amends on. Notice I did not say apology? She robbed you of making an informed decision on your future.

 

But wait there's more.. During your proposal she is banging this guy and he is dumping his DNA into her. Wow what a romantic proposal, it is every guys dream to propose to the woman that he loves while another man is dumping a load in her. Can it get worse, well yes it can. He of course is belittling and emasculating you to her to which she offers little to no defense for you. He takes pictures and writes in her diary to make sure their is a record of his deeds. Now with all that being said, then years later you find it.

 

So let's sum this up shall we.. She does not tell you about banging the other guy while your proposing to her. We cannot say that she was emasculating you to her lover at the time, however we know she made no real attempt to defend you. Now for the most disturbing part, instead of protecting you and getting rid of the evidence she keeps it.

 

Okay I could forgive her colorful past. I might be able to one day get over the fact that she was banging another guy when I proposed however that would take a lot for me to do. Her keeping that information from me would be a deal breaker. Emasculating me to her lover and keeping souvenirs of it of it would be a "Not a chance in hell will you even remain an acquaintance to me".

 

You may be able to forgive more that I can. However this woman is malicious and cruel beyond words and I would get myself and my kids as far away from her as I could. However I am telling you how I would react and I know because I have seen me do it.

 

For some reason if you are in the mindset that you will stay with her I would suggest IC for her and yourself along with MC. If she is capable of these acts then she has not learned that her actions can hurt other people. This is the kind of stuff that MC and IC will help you work on. You will have to learn to accept and forgive a whole lot and she will need to learn how to be honest and protect you as her husband. She will also need to learn how to make a daily amends to you for as long as your together.

 

You also need to know that you will suffer mind movies, triggers, etc. all that bad stuff all BS's here go through. Along with the knowledge that she is capable of being that cruel and callous towards you when she was just merely thinking that the relationship was over and she was moving on. I shutter to think of what she is capable of doing if you guys had actually had a fight or something.

 

I believe that you are a good person and a stand up man. However NO ONE deserves this kind of treatment, even if it is in the past. Do yourself a favor and love yourself, look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself honestly "Do I deserve to be treated like this"? If you have overcome so much in your life why would you settle for someone that will treat you this way? I know it is a difficult decision and you want to believe the best in her. However instead of listening to her words you need to look at her actions.

 

One last rant on this.. "MY GOD SOUVENIRS AND KEEPSAKES FROM EMASCULATING THE MAN SHE LOVES" With women like that dating my hand looks better and better.

[cocahouts]

Deago,

I didn't read everything but I was inexperienced when I was married also and fell in love.

I read about pictures, ex boyfriends and your BF was with her, call him your friend not BF that just sounds "Off". Drugs, modeling, etc.

But what does she still mean to you with your kids and family?

 

Will she talk with you? If anything you two need to be able to talk for the kid(s) and this woman will be in your life forever because of them. You can't and she won't understand your life's experiences but if you two can share that compassion with each other you can always try, that's all anyone can do.

 

Don't DNA the kids....it hurts but you've been their Dad since birth...you're their Dad. That's up to you though.

 

Did something happen that scared you 10+years into this? People can change if they want to. You're the only one who knows everything here and I'm sure there's a lot of hurt clouding your judgement.

 

Being open and honest has saved my family, it just took a knife in my back to realize that.

[Deago]

musicmusk:

Your comments read as if you’re trying to provoke and you are not reading what I wrote. You are making statements which are incorrect. You did not live in my neighborhood and can’t assume that what you believe is true. When you live in poverty and the slums, children grow up quickly. When you could find employment, you took it, there was no age discrimination when you needed money. You took what was offered. You mentioned staff, What staff? There was the owner who ran the bar. He hired kids to do the dirty work, me and others. If I told you that as a child I ran numbers you would tell me that can’t be true, because number running is illegal; I did. I do thank you for this distraction, you have diverted my attention away from my personal issues. Being able to forget about those problems for a few minutes has been a blessing. Again, thank you.

I do appreciate your taking the time and energy to give me feed back. If you have any personel insight that well help me deal with the mess I'm in, please give it. If you choose not to, that's ok too. Have a Blessed Day.

Edited March 17, 2014 by Deago

[sidney2718]

Deago

 

I am sorry to hear about all the pain and confusion you are going through concerning your wife. It is understandable and commendable that you want to work this out with her. After all as a husband (well I am an ex-husband) we feel it is our duty to protect and love our wife no matter what.

 

If your wife just had a colorful past that you were upset about and has given you no signs of cheating, then I would tell you to calmly discuss it with her and maybe seek IC. Sadly this is not the case, so lets look at this from an outsiders viewpoint.

 

Whoa! She did not cheat on him while they were married. She didn't cheat on him at all since she was convinced (and you will be too) that their relationship fell apart.

 

You and your wife were dating and by your description you were in a committed relationship or at the very least lead to believe it was a committed relationship. You did know of her past about banging guys on the first date, you got a taste of that yourself. You tried to head that off by proposing to her before the date, however you were too late and was unaware of it.

 

They do not seem to have been in a committed relationship at all. And yes, he DID know about her banging boys on the first date.

 

Now at this point and if that was all their was then my only problem would be with her keeping it a secrete. At that point she should have told you that she did bang him and give you the chance to see if you still wanted to marry her. That would be something that she definitely owes you an amends on. Notice I did not say apology? She robbed you of making an informed decision on your future.

 

No. That is not what happened. What happened is that he called out of the blue and proposed to her. A yes or no answer was wanted, not a long sex history.

 

But wait there's more.. During your proposal she is banging this guy and he is dumping his DNA into her.

 

This also did not happen. When the OP called, she told him that she could not talk at that moment and that she would call him back. And she did.

 

Wow what a romantic proposal, it is every guys dream to propose to the woman that he loves while another man is dumping a load in her. Can it get worse, well yes it can. He of course is belittling and emasculating you to her to which she offers little to no defense for you. He takes pictures and writes in her diary to make sure their is a record of his deeds. Now with all that being said, then years later you find it.

 

So let's sum this up shall we.. She does not tell you about banging the other guy while your proposing to her. We cannot say that she was emasculating you to her lover at the time, however we know she made no real attempt to defend you. Now for the most disturbing part, instead of protecting you and getting rid of the evidence she keeps it.

 

Okay I could forgive her colorful past. I might be able to one day get over the fact that she was banging another guy when I proposed however that would take a lot for me to do. Her keeping that information from me would be a deal breaker. Emasculating me to her lover and keeping souvenirs of it of it would be a "Not a chance in hell will you even remain an acquaintance to me".

 

You may be able to forgive more that I can. However this woman is malicious and cruel beyond words and I would get myself and my kids as far away from her as I could. However I am telling you how I would react and I know because I have seen me do it.

 

For some reason if you are in the mindset that you will stay with her I would suggest IC for her and yourself along with MC. If she is capable of these acts then she has not learned that her actions can hurt other people. This is the kind of stuff that MC and IC will help you work on. You will have to learn to accept and forgive a whole lot and she will need to learn how to be honest and protect you as her husband. She will also need to learn how to make a daily amends to you for as long as your together.

 

You also need to know that you will suffer mind movies, triggers, etc. all that bad stuff all BS's here go through. Along with the knowledge that she is capable of being that cruel and callous towards you when she was just merely thinking that the relationship was over and she was moving on. I shutter to think of what she is capable of doing if you guys had actually had a fight or something.

 

I believe that you are a good person and a stand up man. However NO ONE deserves this kind of treatment, even if it is in the past. Do yourself a favor and love yourself, look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself honestly "Do I deserve to be treated like this"? If you have overcome so much in your life why would you settle for someone that will treat you this way? I know it is a difficult decision and you want to believe the best in her. However instead of listening to her words you need to look at her actions.

 

One last rant on this.. "MY GOD SOUVENIRS AND KEEPSAKES FROM EMASCULATING THE MAN SHE LOVES" With women like that dating my hand looks better and better.

 

Given the points I made above, you might want to reread the OP's original post.

 

I have been married for over ten years and just found out that my wife when she was my girlfriend spent a weekend with a guy. That weekend happened to be the weekend I asked her to marry me.

At that time we were living together for many months, or at least I seemed to be spending almost every night at her apartment. I believed we had a committed relationship and I had thought about asking her to marry me; but was nervous about asking. Our being together seemed to be working (for me).

I had to be out of town on that particular weekend and my wife/girlfriend told me when I was leaving that she didn’t know where our relationship was headed and she had a date that weekend with a guy she had just met; she met him Thursday and the date was for Saturday.

My reaction was anger, and I said, “YOU CANT BE SERIOUS?” She was very calm and said after all the months we have been seeing each other she wasn’t happy with our arrangement. We needed to talk when I got back from my trip. She said she felt as if our relationship wasn’t going anywhere, and that we were always arguing. I thought she wanted marriage and this was a way to manipulate me. We argued even more before I left.

In the last months before my trip the tension between us was intense according to her. She has told me years later that she believed our relationship was ending and she was ready to move on; I didn’t feel the same.

She has been the only women I have ever loved. I slept with her on our first date; it wasn’t something I planned for; it just happened. We spent the entire day and evening together and I felt a connection with her that I never felt with anyone else. As I got to know her the sex became secondary to the emotional attachment I was developing for her.

Knowing she had a date was driving me insane with anger. She had slept with me on our first date and I knew she had slept with her other boyfriends on their first date; the horror was there, she would sleep with this new guy.

I knew she had the date set with this guy for Saturday evening. I decided to call her Saturday morning to ask her to marry me. Thinking she would say yes and the date would never happen. Who in their right mind asks women to marry them over the phone; I was scared of losing her an had no other options.

When I called her she seemed distant and unresponsive to the emotional events of my phone call. She told me she couldn’t talk at that moment and she would call me later in the day. She did, said yes and we were married six months later.

When I got back from my trip late Saturday evening, we celebrated and were romantic. At that time I disregarded my gut feelings that she seemed different, emotionally and physically when I touched her and she touched me. I just chalked it up to the excitement of getting married.

 

After we were married I would on occasions ask her about her past relationships. I thought I was asking to get info about what she liked sexually. I just wanted the info, I was curious.

AAs the years past, and I would ask about her past boyfriends, I would find out little details she had never mentioned before about her past experiences. Then, one day I asked her about that guy she had met years before relating to the weekend I asked her to marry me. She said she didn’t remember much and didn’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t important she said, after ten years why bring it up. Of course I pushed for info and it led to an argument and her telling me every little detail of what occurred between them.

He called her Friday night and asked if he could see her, she said yes and he slept over. When I called Saturday morning the two were in bed and involved physically with each other. Her lover picked up the phone and gave it to her to answer. That’s why she was cool and indifferent. She said she never expected to her from me, or hear me ask her about marriage and she had believed our relationship was ending or over.

It’s my fault, I pushed for this information. Now that I know the details I’m an emotional wreck. It all happened ten years ago, but to me it feels like yesterday. Honestly if I had known ten years ago I might have walked. The thought of STD’s and the other things she told me they did have created mental imagery that would make the porn industry blush; one thing , she never liked her guys to use condoms. The thought that we were intimate hours after he had left; I’m crazy with angry rage. Whenever I see a movie, TV show or any literature related to cheating it rekindles my anger. Sometimes when we are being intimate and I’m holding her all I do is think of him on her, and I have to get away from her.

I love my wife and I believe she cares for me. We have had our ups and downs, but our marriage seems to be a good one, I think. We have children; she is a great mother and wife. So why does something that happened 10 years ago anger me? Ten years ago my gut feeling had been right. Every time I think about her intimately involved with this guy it hurts; all I imagine are the mental pictures of what she told me they did together.

She has told me she has nothing to be sorry about, she thought our relationship was over. When I want to talk to her about it, she says let it go, it was ten years ago. But I want to know why she felt she needed to hop into bed with another guy. WE could have talked or argued. She could have said our time together was over, and then moved on, why she felt it necessary to hop into bed with this guy, I don’t understand. She described him in very graphic detail as well as what they did.

She and I disagree about our relationship at that time. She says we also weren’t living together, that I slept over some evenings and I had my own apartment. Yes I did, but I was hardly ever there, my brother was living in my apartment with his girlfriend all most all of the time. I believe this has been one of our serious issues, that we see things differently.

How do I deal with this? The aniversary of the day I proposed is in a few months, how do I face that day? How do we celebrate that date now?

 

I'm not picking on you, but too many people come into the middle of a thread without having read the first post. Then they pick up on what other folks have been saying, not realizing that those folks also have not read the thread from the start.

 

But enough of that.

 

Let me say right off the bat that the OP's story has changed in some ways. He has suddenly run into several of the original players and talked to them about his wife. But one thing has remained constant. The OP was filled with fear that his girl friend would hop into bed with somebody as soon as he left town. That makes me think that he KNEW that their relationship was in trouble. That is why he wanted to propose by phone. Who proposes by phone unless they think they'd better move fast.

 

His girl friend accepted his proposal later that day and as far as anyone can tell, has been a model wife and mother ever since.

 

I think we have to stop bashing the OP's wife. She did NOTHING WRONG. Sure, her actions upset the OP. But the OP already knew (see original post above) that she tended to hop into bed with other guys. That's why he wanted to propose by phone, but she beat him to it.

 

I can understand how the OP feels. He did not do the super macho thing and marry a virgin who he could mold into his image of a proper woman. He married an experienced woman. And that's what he got. And we should all be so lucky as to have one that loyal.

 

Apologies for this super long post, but the misunderstandings in this thread were driving me wild.

[sidney2718]

musicmusk:

Your comments read as if you’re trying to provoke and you are not reading what I wrote. You are making statements which are incorrect. You did not live in my neighborhood and can’t assume that what you believe is true. When you live in poverty and the slums, children grow up quickly. When you could find employment, you took it, there was no age discrimination when you needed money. You took what was offered. You mentioned staff, What staff? There was the owner who ran the bar. He hired kids to do the dirty work, me and others. If I told you that as a child I ran numbers you would tell me that can’t be true, because number running is illegal; I did. I do thank you for this distraction, you have diverted my attention away from my personal issues. Being able to forget about those problems for a few minutes has been a blessing. Again, thank you.

I do appreciate your taking the time and energy to give me feed back. If you have any personel insight that well help me deal with the mess I'm in, please give it. If you choose not to, that's ok too. Have a Blessed Day.

 

To get out of this mess, you have to change your feelings about your manliness. Think of it this way: you did not marry a ho. What you did was to save a woman you loved from what would have turned out to be a horrible life. Think of that. You were her knight in shining armor. The moment you told her you were willing to marry her, everything changed for her. YOU did that. You should be proud of it, just as you would be if you were to save some teenager from a life of running drugs today. Your wife, according to what you've said, has shown you over and over how much she thanks you.

 

You don't have to live up to the false image of manhood that you seem to have. Your honor has increased, not decreased.

[revelations]

sidney2718

You seem to have a gift for taking thins out of context. First off I did read the original post and all of the OP's posts on this thread. However let's look at what you have changed the context on shall we?

 

 

"I am sorry to hear about all the pain and confusion you are going through concerning your wife. It is understandable and commendable that you want to work this out with her. After all as a husband (well I am an ex-husband) we feel it is our duty to protect and love our wife no matter what.

 

If your wife just had a colorful past that you were upset about and has given you no signs of cheating, then I would tell you to calmly discuss it with her and maybe seek IC. Sadly this is not the case, so lets look at this from an outsiders viewpoint.

 

Whoa! She did not cheat on him while they were married. She

didn't cheat on him at all since she was convinced (and you will be too) that their relationship fell apart."

 

 

I never said that she had cheated during their marriage. I simply said that If your wife just had a colorful past that your were upset about and has given you no signs of cheating. You may want to improve on your reading comprehension before making bold statements. Let's move on and see what else we have.

 

"You and your wife were dating and by your description you were in a committed relationship or at the very least lead to believe it was a committed relationship. You did know of her past about banging guys on the first date, you got a taste of that yourself. You tried to head that off by proposing to her before the date, however you were too late and was unaware of it.

 

They do not seem to have been in a committed relationship at all. And yes, he DID know about her banging boys on the first date.

 

Again my friend it pays to read and not just skim through it. Notice the words "by your description" that come before "committed relationship"? Now by add in the statement of "yes he did know about her banging boys on the first date" is an attempt to really derail and discredit my comment. However the trouble is that anyone reading your post will clearly see that I did acknowledge that he knew of what happens on a first date with her.

 

"Now at this point and if that was all their was then my only problem would be with her keeping it a secrete. At that point she should have told you that she did bang him and give you the chance to see if you still wanted to marry her. That would be something that she definitely owes you an amends on. Notice I did not say apology? She robbed you of making an informed decision on your future.

 

No. That is not what happened. What happened is that he called out of the blue and proposed to her. A yes or no answer was wanted, not a long sex history."

 

I never said that he had planed anything. I did state that he knew of her date and tried to head that off by proposing to her.

 

"But wait there's more.. During your proposal she is banging this guy and he is dumping his DNA into her.

 

This also did not happen. When the OP called, she told him that she could not talk at that moment and that she would call him back. And she did."

 

When he called she was banging the other guy. The OP did not know of this at the time of the proposal. Op even says that he read that in her journal.

 

My post was not bashing the OP's wife. The OP's wife is in the wrong here no matter how anyone tries to twist and justify it. If she had any feelings for him around the time he proposed to her, she would have informed him that she did have sex with the OM recently and let the OP make an informed decision. The OP did not have this information and proceeded as if she had not had sex with OM.

 

Now aside from lying to him (yes omitting the truth is lying) she also had knowledge that OM was belittling and emaculating her now husband. Regardless of what pillow talk she was having with her OM, if she cared about her husband at all at any time during their marriage she would have gotten rid of the written evidence of the OM emasculating her husband.

 

If she had informed the OP that she just recently had sex with OM and made sure that she had no keepsakes from that event then their would be no way I could say she was at fault. However this is not the case, she did with hold the information and saved the keepsakes which the OP found. The OP has had a terrible shock and given his situation I am impressed that he is handling it as well as he is.

[DKT3]

dago are you ok?

 

Yeah he has been posting his story on another site.

[Deago]

Yes, I have been posting on another site. I appreciate all the positive comments to deal with my problem. I gravitated there because I found suggestions to my issues. As time passed my singular issue with my wife exposed her to have lied repeatedly to me for years. Her stories changed as I got closer to the truth. I found out that she is bipolar and under psychiatric care. With her permission, her doctor explained her problems with me. She has had on going physical relations with many men and at this time I’m waiting for the results of DNA testing on the paternity of my children. I’ve contacted a lawyer who will be handling my divorce. I have been seeing a psychologist and I’m in therapy to deal with my issues. At this moment I’m OK and my children are safe. My wife is with a long standing guy she has known for almost 20 years; she met him in high school. I will do what I can to see she gets help, but I’m moving on to a happier life with my children.

[Trep]

Yes, I have been posting on another site. I appreciate all the positive comments to deal with my problem. I gravitated there because I found suggestions to my issues. As time passed my singular issue with my wife exposed her to have lied repeatedly to me for years. Her stories changed as I got closer to the truth. I found out that she is bipolar and under psychiatric care. With her permission, her doctor explained her problems with me. She has had on going physical relations with many men and at this time I’m waiting for the results of DNA testing on the paternity of my children. I’ve contacted a lawyer who will be handling my divorce. I have been seeing a psychologist and I’m in therapy to deal with my issues. At this moment I’m OK and my children are safe. My wife is with a long standing guy she has known for almost 20 years; she met him in high school. I will do what I can to see she gets help, but I’m moving on to a happier life with my children.

 

Wait, so you found out she's been cheating on you throughout your whole marriage?

[atreides]

Wait, so you found out she's been cheating on you throughout your whole marriage?

 

Ditto, I am a bit confused, i thought this all happened long ago. Also, how does a spouse hide that they are under psychiatric care, that involves quite a lot?