sidney2718 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 One last thing. I've made my views clear in the post above. Nobody has to take my point of view. It is just a point of view. What I do want to do is to note for the record that if the tables had been turned, if it had been the guy playing around on the weekend he became engaged and if the wife had been complaining about it, folks' answers might have been very very different.
miguelcervantes Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 ..... My wife has told me that she had thought the guy’s interest in her might have evolved into something more than a weekend of sex. Her admitting she called him after accepting my proposal indicated that there might have been something more than she stated. She only said YES because no one else had ever asked her to marry them. She said I was a nice guy; she enjoyed my company and wanted children with some security. She added she didn’t love me, but figured she could. That’s why she said yes. OK game, set and match! Hopefully you now see how f**ked up this is - your marriage was a sham - get out while you can and find somebody who loves you to spend your life with.
Author Deago Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 twosadthings, yes I am, I am looking for as much advice as I can get. I have never had to deal with this much personnel pain. Is it equal to the death of a loved on, no, but it's close. I find the words of all you strangers helping, I'm not alone. I have spent hours at the computer. If I knew of more sites to go to I would . I have been reading a lot of literature and knowledge is power. I thank you for your comments and look for more advice from you and others.
aliveagain Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I was a virgin when I slept with her the first time. I had girlfriends before my wife and these relationships would be physical, but never intercourse. When I would ask her about her past sexual experiences they didn’t seem to matter and were never an issue with me. My wanting to know about them was for information, about how to please her. Since I had never slept with a woman before I wasn’t sure about what I was doing with her. I knew what went where, but how it was done, I had no clue. I didn’t want to hurt her in any way. I didn’t dwell on it, fantasize about it or even really think about it. Her past occurred before I knew her. The only one that hurts is the one that happened when I was dating her. Why can’t I let that go? As she said, it happened in another life time, it was so long ago. But the mind pictures and visions hurt, I despise what happened, his hands, body parts and sperm all over her. I realize it can’t be undone. Is my reaction not logical, the fact that I was a virgin and she is the only woman I have ever slept with causing me to be sick over this. We were both in our early twenties when I met her. I have no Idea why she even went out with me. My wife was a sexually experienced sensuously gorgeous woman. I saw the way other men looked at her, they seemed to lust after her, I saw their eyes moving and heard their comments. When she was in her bathing suit at the swimming pool guys always swarmed around her and flirted with her. I felt I was lucky, I guy like me with her, and it was a dream. I did and probably still have self-esteem issues. I think I’m good looking, physically built ok, active in sports, and probably a geek type. My wife has told me that she had thought the guy’s interest in her might have evolved into something more than a weekend of sex. Her admitting she called him after accepting my proposal indicated that there might have been something more than she stated. She only said YES because no one else had ever asked her to marry them. She said I was a nice guy; she enjoyed my company and wanted children with some security. She added she didn’t love me, but figured she could. That’s why she said yes. Again, your putting too much focus into other man, your issue is with your wife. There would be no infidelity if she said no to any of them. She married you for the wrong reason. She isn't as emotionally attached to you as you are to her which means if the right opportunity were to arise again she probably would act on it. Your wife is the one that is in control if infidelity happens or not, otherwise it's rape. You can not control your wife. She needs to want to be faithful. 1
harrybrown Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 She does not care that she hurt you. She does not respect you. She humiliated you with the OM. When was her last contact with the OM? Did she date him after your marriage as well? If she does not show remorse, then file for divorce. 1
aliveagain Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I think she is hiding a lot more than you know. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. Why did she hide this from you, because she knew you wouldn't marry her if you knew the truth. Why does a woman keep pictures of a conquest? Why did she allow him to humiliate you on the very day she accepted your marriage proposal? There is something wrong with her story, it doesn't sound complete, was she abused as a child? I think this rabbit hole is a lot deeper than she is letting on. I hope for your families sake that my spidy senses are wrong.
road Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Bad advice to separate. That will not help either one of you and yours kids will not have both parents at home. Go to the Dr and have a DNA test done to get the first step to a peaceful mind. Then polygraph the WW to make sure no other affairs and that NC with the OM has been since that weekend 12 years ago. Getting positive info will help you to heal. Then people mean well here. Some only scream divorce. One solution is not always the only right solution. You would be better served by getting a book from an outstanding professional. Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. The steps to handle an affair are given in that book.
tom670 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Bad advice to separate. That will not help either one of you and yours kids will not have both parents at home. Go to the Dr and have a DNA test done to get the first step to a peaceful mind. Then polygraph the WW to make sure no other affairs and that NC with the OM has been since that weekend 12 years ago. Getting positive info will help you to heal. Then people mean well here. Some only scream divorce. One solution is not always the only right solution. You would be better served by getting a book from an outstanding professional. Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. The steps to handle an affair are given in that book. I agree get DNA test kits for the kids. Sorry you are here.
Author Deago Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Twosadthings, In one hour I'm meeting my BF to talk about everything he knows about my wife. It would be helpful if you could tell the details to our friends or tell them where to go to read the posts. If I'm breaking protocols I apologies, I wasn't aware I was. When I return home I was going to discuss what happened here. Your helpful comments would be appreciated
twosadthings Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I'm hardly the person to ask for advice in your situation. I'm an old old fashioned guy who in forty one years of marriage has never cheated or been cheated upon. I think the person you should be talking to is your wife not your "friend". She needs to explain why she kept the reminders of her past for you to find. She can't say she forgot about them because she should have destroyed them before you married her. She must also, if she can or at least wants to, convince you that you and only you are what she needs and wants in her life for the rest of her life and not allow you to come in contact with people from her past. Finally I'm not the one to talk about protocol. I've less than one hundred fifty posts in two years on this site. You say you're looking everywhere for advice. Try to listen to what's in your head and separate the wheat from the chaff here and elsewhere. Good luck to you and Stu, Twosadthings
devilish innocent Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 It makes sense that you would be really hurt. That doesn't mean she cheated. She told you that she didn't want to be exclusive before she slept with him. You've mentioned how she felt about you back then. It's more important how she feels about you now. You deserve to be loved and appreciated. Couples counseling could help a lot. Go with her if she's willing. Otherwise go to individual counseling by yourself. Find out if your marriage is worth saving. If so, you can work with the therapist on letting these feelings go. You don't have to celebrate the day you got engaged. There may be many other days worth celebrating.
drifter777 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Does it feel to you like she cheated? Do you think she withheld information - like her screwing this guy - from you because she was ashamed of what she did and/or didn't want you to know because you wouldn't propose it you knew? She isn't remorseful; not one bit. The content of the diary is one thing - keeping it for all these years is disgusting. She's going to tell you she "forgot" about the diary and didn't mean the cruel things she wrote. Belive her if you want. Look, you can either just swallow hard and accept all of this or walk out. I advise walking out because at this point it's the only thing that will shake her out of her "nothing to be sorry about" routine. Find a friend or cheap hotel, pack some stuff, tell your kids you need to spend some time alone, and then leave. Don't contact her for anything other than to see your kids - and keep that contact to an absolute minimum. When she finally begs you to come home, tell her that she has to acknowledge your pain and her deceptive & slutty behavior. If she doesn't do that then you will be much, much happier living your life without her. You can be a great father whether you stay married or not so don't let that scare you. Find a counselor and take care of yourself.
Author Deago Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Tonight will define who I am as a person and my actions will affect my wife, children, family, and friends. I met with my BF and learned why my wife has been reluctant to discuss any aspects of her life before I entered it. He got involved when I asked him to help me with my flooded basement. To make this short. My wife had more boxes in the basement that were damaged by water. My BF moved some and they fell apart and nude and clothed pictures of my wife with guys were on the floor. My BF picked them up and eventually told me he knew about everything. He had dated my wife years ago for almost a year; this was long before me and they sort of kept in touch. This was when he and I went off to different colleges. He and my wife chose to keep this a secret from me and his wife. She gets jealous and he didn’t want our friendship to suffer; I’ve known him so long he’s more than a brother. In freshmen year my wife was into photography with her boyfriend, they were art majors and used each other as nude models; it started out as a class project in nude study. She split from him and shacked up with another guy who also was into photography; this was around 98 or 99. Someone saw her nude pics at an art show and asked her if she wanted to model. She did and a few pics got published in some obscure men’s magazines; she did get paid for her work. My BF met her around this time and the two lived together for a while; I think this was about her year in college. She was still modeling. Just before spring break she got an offer to do a photo shoot in Puerto Rico. My Bf told her not to do it, he smelled something out of the ordinary; she did it. My BF and she split up. She went to PR and was romanced my some guy I’ll call Paco. She lived with him and he introduced her to drugs. She kept modeling, but for sleazy porn type mags. From this trash she got into the film porn business; my BF thinks she made 3 or 4 short movies. Around 2000 she called my BF for help. He brought her back and got her into rehab. With his help and her family she was clean and returned to school. My BF and she went their separate ways, but he was always a call away for her. She continued to stay of drugs. He said she did have a problem picking the right kind of guys to date; she picked guys who were out for what they could get. A guy would show interest and give her affection, she was theirs. He tried to intervene, but he was a few states away and dating his wife. He did get her to go for counseling. It helped; she graduated with honors a year before I met her. He said she wants to forget that part of her life and never go there again. That’s why she won’t discuss any part of that life, it’s like it never happened. Since she has been with me she has been happy. He doesn’t know why she told me about that weekend. She had told him about it and swore she would never tell me. It was in the past and she wanted it buried. I am going to keep my mouth closed and try and forget everything. I’m going for IC to deal with my issues and I’ll see what happens. I love my wife and I want to stay with her as long as possible. The anger I have I’ll have to work through it. As far as the mind pics, a good internet friend gave me some suggestions. I'm go to destroy the pics and any thing else from the life she wants to forget. 1
goumao Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 sounds like the right choice. We all have "pasts", some are just crazier than others. If you love her and she loves you, and she is not cheating on you now, i think its the right choice. Now you're aware of her past, keep your eyes open in future. Maybe buy a camera and start a photo collection of your own. best of luck
aliveagain Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 F**k, you married a stranger that turned out to be a porn star and the mother of your children, now what? No really, now what? 3
Author Deago Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 This has not been an easy trip I‘ve been on. I’m OK! Finding this internet sight and responding to the comments, pro and con has helped to save my sanity. After what I found out about my wife, it’s like a weight has been lifted, and I don’t need to know anything else. Knowing more or less won’t change a thing. Some of you might think I’m nuts. Your saying how can he except a women who has done what she has done. I have been married for ten years to a person who has overcome many obstacles and the last 10 years are proof that she’s a great person. The last 10 years have shown what kind of person my wife is and those are the years that count; I’m proud to be her husband. Some higher power must have had a hand in this; that my BF, wife, and I all had a connection. My BF has also shown what a person he is and my faith in him is even stronger. He helped to save a life and more. If it weren’t for his efforts my children wouldn’t be here or my wife. My wife might have wound up dead from drugs or physical abuse. My BF told me Paco did smack her around, she must have fallen to the lowest point possible, to be abused and used the way my BF says she was. I’m going to keep this secret. If and when my wife feels comfortable to talk about it I’ll be there. I’m going for IC, so it can help me deal with all of this. If my wife wants to join me; great. Someone made the suggestion that I change history. I’m going out tomorrow and by a ring and then ask my wife to marry me. That will be the date we celebrate from now on. 1
karnak Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Just be careful that you don't get triggers about your wife's past in the future.
Author Deago Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Karnak, I'm sure you realize that what I wrote isn't everything, I couldn’t have possible stated it all. Yes my BF helped, her family helped along with others. She didn’t recover overnight, it was a long process with professional help, and she had a support structure there at every step. There were set backs along her recovery. I would have to write pages, a book to explain everything. I'm not confronting my wife until I'm mentally OK and I'll get there with IC first and then MC. If and when the professionally trained psychologist or psychiatrist helps me put my demons to rest, then I'll be in a better position to help her at whatever she might need, or professionals will, so we both will be mentally well. If after all that we go our separate ways at least I’ll know I, or we tried.
Author Deago Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 MIGUELCERVANTAS, you mentioned in your first post about what happened to you. Can you give me info on how you handled your situation? Are there expectations that I have which could be bogus? I want my marriage to continue? As I said I’m going to IC. What do I need to know about IC to make it work?
Author Deago Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I think she is hiding a lot more than you know. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. Why did she hide this from you, because she knew you wouldn't marry her if you knew the truth. Why does a woman keep pictures of a conquest? Why did she allow him to humiliate you on the very day she accepted your marriage proposal? There is something wrong with her story, it doesn't sound complete, was she abused as a child? I think this rabbit hole is a lot deeper than she is letting on. I hope for your families sake that my spidy senses are wrong. How did you know there was more?
lolablue17 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I adore the way you deal with it! you're a great example of a noble man. What i think the most beautiful in this story is that people can and desire to have the truth. When we get lies we walk away. But when we hear the real truth, hard as it is, we grow to be kind, forgiving and loving and noble human beings. Hey People out there - Be always honest with your spouses! good chances they will still love you as you are. and if not, they dont deserve you. dont be tempted to tell lies, even not little lies! We all want the truth. the truth unites people and they will love you more, not less. While lies keep us away from each other!!!
Author Deago Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 LOLABLUE17, no I'm just a man who loves his wife who made a promise when we were married. I'm still angry and hurt about what happened, but as most of you have said, time will heal. 1
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 LOLABLUE17, no I'm just a man who loves his wife who made a promise when we were married. I'm still angry and hurt about what happened, but as most of you have said, time will heal. You're right. But, it would heal a hellva lot more quickly if you address these issues with her rather that "rug sweep it" as you imply that you're going to do. That's just going to cause more problems down the road. Just my two cents. 1
Author Deago Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Chi town: Please explain how this is sweeping it under the rug. I’m going to IC to deal with my issues. Then I will be in a better position to help my wife. My going to IC may even encourage her to go. How am I now ready to help her? I understand and know much more about her than I did before, but this info doesn’t prepare me to help her emotionally. I’m not arguing with you I just want more info about dealing with my issues and my wife’s. 1
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Here's what you wrote: "She had told him about it and swore she would never tell me. It was in the past and she wanted it buried. I am going to keep my mouth closed and try and forget everything. I’m going for IC to deal with my issues and I’ll see what happens. I love my wife and I want to stay with her as long as possible. The anger I have I’ll have to work through it. As far as the mind pics, a good internet friend gave me some suggestions. I'm go to destroy the pics and any thing else from the life she wants to forget." The bold is where I'm getting the impression that you want to rug sweep this whole thing. But, it doesn't change the fact that those things did happen. Burn as much as you want, her past has been recorded those movies are out in circulation for ANYONE to run across. Even, God forbid, your children. It doesn't change the fact that she did betray you at the beginning of your engagement. I mean, if I'm reading this correctly, she accepted your proposal over the phone and continued to have sex with this guy the remainder of that weekend. Who does that? Look, all I'm saying is that if you want to remain with her, then the hard subjects need to be addressed by both of you. Even though this happened years and years ago, you just found out the truth and it's NO DIFFERENT than if she did this to you yesterday. But, technically, it did. So, you're allowed to feel hurt and betrayed. You are not being unreasonable. So, it's okay to feel that anger! It's normal! But, your wife should be with you to help you deal with these anger issues because SHE'S THE CAUSE OF THEM!! But, you make it seem that you'll deal with them on your own. A marriage is a partner ship and if there's a problem with that partnership, then you have to deal with them together!
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