Deago Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I have been married for over ten years and just found out that my wife when she was my girlfriend spent a weekend with a guy. That weekend happened to be the weekend I asked her to marry me. At that time we were living together for many months, or at least I seemed to be spending almost every night at her apartment. I believed we had a committed relationship and I had thought about asking her to marry me; but was nervous about asking. Our being together seemed to be working (for me). I had to be out of town on that particular weekend and my wife/girlfriend told me when I was leaving that she didn’t know where our relationship was headed and she had a date that weekend with a guy she had just met; she met him Thursday and the date was for Saturday. My reaction was anger, and I said, “YOU CANT BE SERIOUS?” She was very calm and said after all the months we have been seeing each other she wasn’t happy with our arrangement. We needed to talk when I got back from my trip. She said she felt as if our relationship wasn’t going anywhere, and that we were always arguing. I thought she wanted marriage and this was a way to manipulate me. We argued even more before I left. In the last months before my trip the tension between us was intense according to her. She has told me years later that she believed our relationship was ending and she was ready to move on; I didn’t feel the same. She has been the only women I have ever loved. I slept with her on our first date; it wasn’t something I planned for; it just happened. We spent the entire day and evening together and I felt a connection with her that I never felt with anyone else. As I got to know her the sex became secondary to the emotional attachment I was developing for her. Knowing she had a date was driving me insane with anger. She had slept with me on our first date and I knew she had slept with her other boyfriends on their first date; the horror was there, she would sleep with this new guy. I knew she had the date set with this guy for Saturday evening. I decided to call her Saturday morning to ask her to marry me. Thinking she would say yes and the date would never happen. Who in their right mind asks women to marry them over the phone; I was scared of losing her an had no other options. When I called her she seemed distant and unresponsive to the emotional events of my phone call. She told me she couldn’t talk at that moment and she would call me later in the day. She did, said yes and we were married six months later. When I got back from my trip late Saturday evening, we celebrated and were romantic. At that time I disregarded my gut feelings that she seemed different, emotionally and physically when I touched her and she touched me. I just chalked it up to the excitement of getting married. After we were married I would on occasions ask her about her past relationships. I thought I was asking to get info about what she liked sexually. I just wanted the info, I was curious. As the years past, and I would ask about her past boyfriends, I would find out little details she had never mentioned before about her past experiences. Then, one day I asked her about that guy she had met years before relating to the weekend I asked her to marry me. She said she didn’t remember much and didn’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t important she said, after ten years why bring it up. Of course I pushed for info and it led to an argument and her telling me every little detail of what occurred between them. He called her Friday night and asked if he could see her, she said yes and he slept over. When I called Saturday morning the two were in bed and involved physically with each other. Her lover picked up the phone and gave it to her to answer. That’s why she was cool and indifferent. She said she never expected to her from me, or hear me ask her about marriage and she had believed our relationship was ending or over. It’s my fault, I pushed for this information. Now that I know the details I’m an emotional wreck. It all happened ten years ago, but to me it feels like yesterday. Honestly if I had known ten years ago I might have walked. The thought of STD’s and the other things she told me they did have created mental imagery that would make the porn industry blush; one thing , she never liked her guys to use condoms. The thought that we were intimate hours after he had left; I’m crazy with angry rage. Whenever I see a movie, TV show or any literature related to cheating it rekindles my anger. Sometimes when we are being intimate and I’m holding her all I do is think of him on her, and I have to get away from her. I love my wife and I believe she cares for me. We have had our ups and downs, but our marriage seems to be a good one, I think. We have children; she is a great mother and wife. So why does something that happened 10 years ago anger me? Ten years ago my gut feeling had been right. Every time I think about her intimately involved with this guy it hurts; all I imagine are the mental pictures of what she told me they did together. She has told me she has nothing to be sorry about, she thought our relationship was over. When I want to talk to her about it, she says let it go, it was ten years ago. But I want to know why she felt she needed to hop into bed with another guy. WE could have talked or argued. She could have said our time together was over, and then moved on, why she felt it necessary to hop into bed with this guy, I don’t understand. She described him in very graphic detail as well as what they did. She and I disagree about our relationship at that time. She says we also weren’t living together, that I slept over some evenings and I had my own apartment. Yes I did, but I was hardly ever there, my brother was living in my apartment with his girlfriend all most all of the time. I believe this has been one of our serious issues, that we see things differently. How do I deal with this? The aniversary of the day I proposed is in a few months, how do I face that day? How do we celebrate that date now?
Sparta Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Hey buddy first women's that's deep-seated issues she needs to work with an IC, The way she talks to you, doesn't sound like she's remorseful. I need to ask yourself, someone with a history of sexual behavior like she cannot just stop doing it because she just got married. If you can think that the 10 years anything that you were questionable about your wife. You should really look into it. Check phone records social media anything web-based communication-based. but do it. Even if you think your marriage is perfect check it out until. Her behavior is what's really throwing a red flag having sex with a guy has you after Mary and you swim in his chowder. And the guy talk **** about you. And then her saving the pictures something up man. Relay check her out but don't let her know everything I check phone records go way back if you can just for the numbers it was called a lot that you don't know anything about this one. This is for your protection and your kids. keep posting buddy 1
AjisenHi Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Hi, first off I am sorry you are going through this and that you are in pain. Next, the title is kinda misleading, your GF NOT WIFE slept with someone 10 years ago when she was unhappy about your lack of commitment. You thought she was trying to "trap" ( my reading not her intent) you into marriage. When you were faced with the very real possibility of another man in her bed, you tried to stop ie control her actions by proposing. That's not very romantic was it? Reading your constant asking about past boyfriends and their sexual relations gives me the feeling that you are insecure about how you "measure" up. She wants to keep the past in the past but you won't let her despite your professions of love for her and she for you and your children. WHY is that? Are you 1. Feeling "trapped" and just searching for an excuse to be angry? 2. Using her past actions to control her present/future actions? 3. Thinking of an A yourself and seeking justification? This was 10 years ago and you are still carrying the weight. Let go, put it away or you will make the next 10 a misery.
miguelcervantes Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I fully understand what you are going through as my (now) wife did the same when she was my gf and we were living together and committed in an exclusive relationship. I suspected something was up and found out for sure 20 years later! You will not get over this unless she accepts what she did was wrong AND shows you true remorse for it (even after all these years). She needs to know that this is the only hope of you finding some sort of peace with this. If she does not, then your relationship will be forever troubled and will come back to bite you from time to time. 2
HomanWater Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Her responses do not indicate that she cares about you or has any remorse. She's not concerned about any hurt she caused you, she just wants you to sweep it under the rug. Up to you if you want to work with that. Still, I think it was silly of you to propose when she played her little gambit to sleep with another guy. It seemed like you saw through her facade and knew this was going to happen, yet instead of ditching the manipulator you went ahead and proposed. 3
Eggplant Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 That's utterly maddening! Her brazenness with that guy means she was at the time finished with you (I'd hope). But then if she was so over you, why did she want to get married once you asked? Let's hope for everybody's sake it was a temporary bout of insanity. How has the marriage been otherwise? You've got years worth of data on her now. Has she been a good wife and treated you well? Has she been faithful to you throughout your marriage? If so, I'd just not worry about it. Don't drive yourself nuts. Focus on what she has given you.
nais Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 hook- line- sinker.... You stated she was wanting to perhaps end things and you married her to keep her. She sure likes sleeping with first daters- I would pretty much assume anyone she has dated got it. Thing is, you chose- now if in choosing you feel you chose unwisely- that counseling might come in handy if you did not seek it before marriage. She had an issue from the beginning with you- she said the relationship was going down hill. I would believe her- ask her to be as brutally honest now and have her tell you where she sees your relationship now.
lolablue17 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) Her resposibility: A break up is a break up! It should be sharp, clear, and said with explicit words. a blur phrase like "we are always arguing" or "I think our relationship is going nowhere" IS NOT A BREAK UP! So she was certainty cheating. your responsibility: 1. She told you she is going to a date. Ok... maybe she didnt break up with you conclusively, But if a girl says she is going to a date, If i were he BF I would consider that as a break up. So you should have demanded her to cancel the date, and if not, to propose immediately or announce her an explicit break up. 2. After you got back from your trip, you shouldn't act like a blind mole. You should have asked her then right a way what the hell happend with this date guy. And then, you should have decided on that presence If you cancel your proposal, or forgive her. 3. After you shut your mouth for 10 years, sorry dude, you could have all the information you needed on time, but you chose to look the other way. Result: Your wife's part is much smaller than yours. She just blurred things to survive the moment, but you' the one who should handle it much better. I would never propose to a girl while she is threatening me, she is going to a date while i'm her boyfriend. Last thing... even your wife has a small blame here, the fact that you're the one who feels hurt and disturbed, If your wife cares for you, she could hug you and shows some remorse, instead of sweeping you out of her way. Edited March 10, 2014 by lolablue17 6
Buckeye2 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 You have a right to complain about some things and not others. Your wife had a record of having sex on the first date and did so with you. She was honest about having a date Saturday and you knew she was likely to have sex. That’s what prompted you to call and propose. Nothing’s wrong so far. What messed things up was that the date was moved up to Friday. When you called Saturday morning: “She told me she couldn’t talk at that moment and she would call me later in the day. She did, said yes.” She didn’t need time to think about getting married, she just didn’t want to say yes with the other guy in bed with her. Did she kick him out after your phone call or continue to have sex? Did she not say yes when you called because it wouldn’t be a romantic memory or so that she could have more sex before she was officially engaged? Your wife lied to you by omission. She should have told you about her date Friday and asked you if you still wanted to get married. Would you have married her if you knew? Be honest. Your wife might have had unprotected sex with every guy she ever dated. You knew that before you married her and one more isn’t that big a deal. Tell her you feel like a fool for proposing when she was having sex with another guy and you will never celebrate that anniversary again. Tell her she should have told you and waited to say yes or have sex with you. 3
lolablue17 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 You have a right to complain about some things and not others. Your wife had a record of having sex on the first date and did so with you. She was honest about having a date Saturday and you knew she was likely to have sex. That’s what prompted you to call and propose. Nothing’s wrong so far. What messed things up was that the date was moved up to Friday. When you called Saturday morning: “She told me she couldn’t talk at that moment and she would call me later in the day. She did, said yes.” She didn’t need time to think about getting married, she just didn’t want to say yes with the other guy in bed with her. Did she kick him out after your phone call or continue to have sex? Did she not say yes when you called because it wouldn’t be a romantic memory or so that she could have more sex before she was officially engaged? Your wife lied to you by omission. She should have told you about her date Friday and asked you if you still wanted to get married. Would you have married her if you knew? Be honest. Your wife might have had unprotected sex with every guy she ever dated. You knew that before you married her and one more isn’t that big a deal. Tell her you feel like a fool for proposing when she was having sex with another guy and you will never celebrate that anniversary again. Tell her she should have told you and waited to say yes or have sex with you. Well written!
Author Deago Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri] I hear what you are telling me. Remember I got my wife by default; she didn't love me but settled for me. She had told me on the phone we’d talk about it later. That was a rejection of my proposal. I knew she had a date and I didn’t want to lose her, I knew it was ending our exclusivity. So I did the only option I could think of at that moment, to ask her to marry me. I didn’t know she was in bed with the dude. She was to see him later that night; I called her in the morning. My morning call was a desperate act of trying to salvage the relationship I didn’t want to loose and prevent her from seeing that guy and from probably having sex with him.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Author Deago Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Sorry, but ther is more to this.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]A few weeks after my wife told me about her screwing that guy I found my wife’s pre marriage diaries in a box in the basement, we had a water leak and I was cleaning up. I don’t think she even know she still had them. She and I got rid of all that old stuff years ago; at least I thought we did? It was under her parent’s possessions we got after they passed away. This box was probly mixed with her parents stuff at [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I read her diary. I found out that she was sleeping with her previous boyfriend when we started to date. She had told me they had broken up, but they were sleeping together the first 2 or 3 months after I started seeing her.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]There were more details about that weekend with that good looking guy that she never told me, maybe to spare me more emotional grief. Her dates name and phone number was there and she said he was gorgeous and; a women’s fantasy fulfilled in every way possible. She described his body in detail and there were a few Polaroid type pictures (17) of him and her in bed (graphic) naked. Her entries described their activities over the weekend, sexual and non-sexual. HE EVEN LEFT ENTRIES in her diary about his time with her. He described in graphic detail the physical activates he did to and with her and what she did with him. I’ve been married to her for just over ten years and we haven’t done some of those things; and she only knew him for a day or two. He wrote that I must be an “…hole.” He wrote that he heard me ask her to marry me and laughed, then had an orgasm at that second; I said earlier they were in the act. He closed his paragraph with, “I’ve left you well lubricated for your boyfriend and if you need a refill just call me. You have my name and number.” These words I will never forget. Since we were married months later and my wife became pregnant 2 to 3 weeks after that my twisted imagination began to think maybe my son might be his, he isn’t. I know how long sperm can live, but reading the details of their weekend together did a job on my mind, I threw up after I read her diary. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I didn’t know it at the time but he worked in the neighborhood we lived in. I would run into him occasionally and he would say high and ask me how my girlfriend was doing, and smile. He had met us walking to a store one day. I didn’t know who he was at the time; I just thought he was a friendly person from the neighborhood. A few months later I was married and around that time he said he heard about the marriage and wished me well. He also made a few joking remarks about my wife’s “charms” and implied she must be draining me to exhaustion with a certain action. It was a little graphic; I just assumed he was joking around like guys do. But finding out years later about her time with him, I now understand how he knew her.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The fact that I have a face and body to go with what happened that weekend doesn’t help me recover or stay mentally ok. EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THEM MESHED TOGETHER AS ONE. I touch apart of her body, he’s touching that part, I kiss her, and he’s kissing her. I can’t stop the pictures. At times it is as if I’m him touching her, it’s that strong a felling, a loathing hatred.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] 1
Author Deago Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Sorry for the problem with posting. I wrote this in Word so I could proofread and make sure I'm saying things correctly. If you can tell me what I'm doing wrong, I can fix. As I said this is all new to me. As I write I'm emotional and all of this is hurting.
miguelcervantes Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 As I said before this is going to take a lot of repairing - especially if you feel that your wife settled for you. I would not be able to cope with reading those entries in her diary. It may be that you can never recover from this and while, after all this time, it may seem unfair to your wife, this is for your own well being, and I am sorry, but she sounds pretty heartless and cold when it comes to relationships so you may well be best served by divorcing her. She should have told you straight away that she was in bed with her "date". It now sounds that she thought he was some kind of Adonis and wanted to get her rocks off with him regardless of whether she was with you or not - she needed to scratch that itch! Might have done it even if the two of you were married (and I would look back over your marriage for other such transgressions). Sorry to be this harsh but it may be for the best (your health and well being).
Snakechammah Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) A girlfriend who publicly dates other men (and sleeps with them on the first date) while being in an exclusive relationship has absolutely NO RESPECT for her boyfriend. Chances are, she still doesn't. Even if said boyfriend has turned into a husband years later. I hope you will salvage what's left of your dignity. I'm sorry this happened to you. Best of luck for whatever you choose to do next. PS: I just read the diary entries post and frankly, I am beyond horrified. Please, for what it's worth, get your self-respect back. Edited March 10, 2014 by Snakechammah 2
Author Deago Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I was a virgin when I slept with her the first time. I had girlfriends before my wife and these relationships would be physical, but never intercourse. When I would ask her about her past sexual experiences they didn’t seem to matter and were never an issue with me. My wanting to know about them was for information, about how to please her. Since I had never slept with a woman before I wasn’t sure about what I was doing with her. I knew what went where, but how it was done, I had no clue. I didn’t want to hurt her in any way. I didn’t dwell on it, fantasize about it or even really think about it. Her past occurred before I knew her. The only one that hurts is the one that happened when I was dating her. Why can’t I let that go? As she said, it happened in another life time, it was so long ago. But the mind pictures and visions hurt, I despise what happened, his hands, body parts and sperm all over her. I realize it can’t be undone. Is my reaction not logical, the fact that I was a virgin and she is the only woman I have ever slept with causing me to be sick over this. We were both in our early twenties when I met her. I have no Idea why she even went out with me. My wife was a sexually experienced sensuously gorgeous woman. I saw the way other men looked at her, they seemed to lust after her, I saw their eyes moving and heard their comments. When she was in her bathing suit at the swimming pool guys always swarmed around her and flirted with her. I felt I was lucky, I guy like me with her was a dream. I did and probably still have self-esteem issues. I think I’m good looking, physically built ok, active in sports, and probably a geek type.
aliveagain Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Sorry, but ther is more to this.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]A few weeks after my wife told me about her screwing that guy I found my wife’s pre marriage diaries in a box in the basement, we had a water leak and I was cleaning up. I don’t think she even know she still had them. She and I got rid of all that old stuff years ago; at least I thought we did? It was under her parent’s possessions we got after they passed away. This box was probly mixed with her parents stuff at [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I read her diary. I found out that she was sleeping with her previous boyfriend when we started to date. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]There were more details about that weekend with that good looking guy that she never told me, maybe to spare me more emotional grief. Her dates name and phone number was there and she said he was gorgeous and; a women’s fantasy fulfilled in every way possible. She described his body in detail and there were a few Polaroid type pictures (17) of him and her in bed (graphic) naked. Her entries described their activities over the weekend, sexual and non-sexual. HE EVEN LEFT ENTRIES in her diary about his time with her. He described in graphic detail the physical activates he did to and with her and what she did with him. I’ve been married to her for just over ten years and we haven’t done some of those things; and she only knew him for a day or two. He wrote that I must be an “…hole.” He wrote that he heard me ask her to marry me and laughed, then had an orgasm at that second; I said earlier they were in the act. He closed his paragraph with, “I’ve left you well lubricated for your boyfriend and if you need a refill just call me. You have my name and number.” These words I will never forget. Since we were married months later and my wife became pregnant 2 to 3 weeks after that my twisted imagination began to think maybe my son might be his, he isn’t. I know how long sperm can live, but reading the details of their weekend together did a job on my mind, I threw up after I read her diary. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I didn’t know it at the time but he worked in the neighborhood we lived in. I would run into him occasionally and he would say high and ask me how my girlfriend was doing, and smile. He had met us walking to a store one day. I didn’t know who he was at the time; I just thought he was a friendly person from the neighborhood. A few months later I was married and around that time he said he heard about the marriage and wished me well. He also made a few joking remarks about my wife’s “charms” and implied she must be draining me to exhaustion with a certain action. It was a little graphic; I just assumed he was joking around like guys do. But finding out years later about her time with him, I now understand how he knew her.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]The fact that I have a face and body to go with what happened that weekend doesn’t help me recover or stay mentally ok. EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THEM MESHED TOGETHER AS ONE. I touch apart of her body, he’s touching that part, I kiss her, and he’s kissing her. I can’t stop the pictures. At times it is as if I’m him touching her, it’s that strong a felling, a loathing hatred.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] Your issue isn't with him, your issue is with your wife. She accepted the date believing your relationship was over, problem is she forgot to tell you. She has poor boundaries and had a lack of respect for your relationship, she is still with you and bangs some dude she just met while your out of town. She never protected or defended you when he called you names in her presence. Comments about lubricating her for you and than writing out the details in her diary says a lot about who she is. The fact that she slept with you when you got back without telling you about her infidelity and accepting your marriage proposal while spending the weekend with a stranger who humiliated you is really fu**ed up. The other issue is why did she keep all this sh*t for all these years? It must have meant a lot to her, sounds like she gets a rush from new sex to give it up so easily on the first date. You just found out she has lied to you for the last 10 years, first about the ex boyfriend she was banging behind your back and this infidelity on the very day you proposed to her. Kind of takes the romance out of your proposal knowing 3 of you shared that special day. Your problem is your wife, she allowed these things to happen, she brought the other man into your relationship, she needs to fix this not you. She has known and has dealt with this for the last 10 years, you just found out about her cheating, your pain is fresh. She needs to make you feel safe by taking the necessary actions to do that, not by telling you to get over it because it happened so long ago. This is a part of her she kept from you, most men would have run from someone like her if they knew the truth at the time. What you're feeling is natural. You need to decide what you want to do with your new knowledge. Sounds like the last 10 years have been good, but they were still a lie, it's up to her to fix this. Get yourself into independent counselling, you need to work on what you want before you start working on the relationship. Her actions should tell you everything you need to know about how you go forward. Sweeping this under the carpet is the worst thing you can do. 2
Chi townD Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Sorry, I really don't know what to tell you. I mean, the way she handled this is horrible. I mean, she was IN BED with this guy when you called and HE handed the phone to her. Guarantee you he was "doing things to her" while on the phone with you. Why do I believe this? Because it would have been a rush for him, she's on the phone talking with her boyfriend and he's sticking it to her all the while. Sick... And now, she's telling you that she doesn't regret it. Basically, your marriage is a lie then. She doesn't care that she hurt you. THAT'S what's most disturbing. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 The only one that hurts is the one that happened when I was dating her. Why can’t I let that go? As she said, it happened in another life time, it was so long ago. But the mind pictures and visions hurt, I despise what happened, his hands, body parts and sperm all over her. I realize it can’t be undone. Is my reaction not logical, the fact that I was a virgin and she is the only woman I have ever slept with causing me to be sick over this. In my mind your situation falls into a gray area. I say this because she told you up front that she had a date for that weekend. You knew the possibilities, but your insecurity hindered your decision making. Why can't you let it go? Pride. Your ego has taken a big hit, and you can't do much about it 10 years later. Has she been faithful since your engagement/marriage? Did she put her promiscuity behind her after she said "I do?". If so, don't let the past steal the joys of your present. 1
Author Deago Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I was a virgin when I slept with her the first time. I had girlfriends before my wife and these relationships would be physical, but never intercourse. When I would ask her about her past sexual experiences they didn’t seem to matter and were never an issue with me. My wanting to know about them was for information, about how to please her. Since I had never slept with a woman before I wasn’t sure about what I was doing with her. I knew what went where, but how it was done, I had no clue. I didn’t want to hurt her in any way. I didn’t dwell on it, fantasize about it or even really think about it. Her past occurred before I knew her. The only one that hurts is the one that happened when I was dating her. Why can’t I let that go? As she said, it happened in another life time, it was so long ago. But the mind pictures and visions hurt, I despise what happened, his hands, body parts and sperm all over her. I realize it can’t be undone. Is my reaction not logical, the fact that I was a virgin and she is the only woman I have ever slept with causing me to be sick over this. We were both in our early twenties when I met her. I have no Idea why she even went out with me. My wife was a sexually experienced sensuously gorgeous woman. I saw the way other men looked at her, they seemed to lust after her, I saw their eyes moving and heard their comments. When she was in her bathing suit at the swimming pool guys always swarmed around her and flirted with her. I felt I was lucky, I guy like me with her, and it was a dream. I did and probably still have self-esteem issues. I think I’m good looking, physically built ok, active in sports, and probably a geek type. My wife has told me that she had thought the guy’s interest in her might have evolved into something more than a weekend of sex. Her admitting she called him after accepting my proposal indicated that there might have been something more than she stated. She only said YES because no one else had ever asked her to marry them. She said I was a nice guy; she enjoyed my company and wanted children with some security. She added she didn’t love me, but figured she could. That’s why she said yes. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Well friend, she has a ten year head start on you and to her it's a "Over and done with " issue. As for you it's brand new and I hate to be the one to tell you this but. You were at the time what we guys as a teenager called "pu--y whipped". You saw a good looking woman who gave you sex for the first time and to you it was the greatest thing since sliced bread and potato chips. Ever wonder why all those guys were hanging around her at the pool? Word gets around and IMO a lot of those guys already got what you finally got. I can't say that she played you. She did want to break up but you were the one that was infatuated with her out of this world body and in order to claim her you proposed marriage without thinking it through. There's a big difference in being married and going steady. Now your seeing things that you should have seen 10 years ago but you went in to this blind. Now you read the diaries and see the souvenir pictures she decided to keep and the wound now starts to fester. I really think you better check in with IC and a MC because if you don't this is going to continue to kick you in the gut from now until eternity. How is your marriage? Is she a good wife to you? Does she give you the respect that a wife gives a husband? Can you live with this information? Get help from someone who is qualified in this area and do it quick. You also better bring this diary thing up with your wife and let her explain it to you. Don't sugar coat it because that's how you got in this mess in the first place. You have questions and she owes you answers. 1
Buckeye2 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I found my wife’s pre marriage diaries in a box in the basement That’s horrible. Did you find the diaries recently? She described his body in detail and there were a few Polaroid type pictures (17) of him and her in bed (graphic) naked. Her entries described their activities over the weekend, sexual and non-sexual. HE EVEN LEFT ENTRIES in her diary about his time with her. They were only together ever one Friday night and one Saturday morning? They had time do stuff in and out of bed, write about it and take 17 photos in that time? Did one of them take the photos or did a third person take them? Dude, your wife is very casual about sex. That’s why guys are buzzing around her like bees. You need to DNA your kids. Buy a kit at WalMart or online for $30. Rub a Q-tip on the inside of their cheek and mail it to a lab and pay an additional $130. I’m so sorry.
lolablue17 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) WOW!!! A shocking story. I think you both made mistakes. She (hiding the truth) and you (didnt ask for the truth, proposed in a wrong way and wrong reasons, and reading her diary). It doesn't matter anymore. it doesn't matter who did what and who is wrong or who is right. What does matter that you are in great pain and misery. So you have to take care of that pain. My basic assumption is that you cant continue living like this. Things must be changed. otherwise you're condemned to suffering for the rest of your life. I see few options. 1. try go to counseling. maybe alone, or with your wife (because you have more issues in your marriage). that is the first step i would do. you cant handle it by yourself, you need help - not in the future - do it tomorrow morning! 2. If it doesn't help (after a period you will decide it doesn't help), I suggest a temporary separation. In that period you may want to date other women. Maybe that's what you need to get some balance with your wife. But when you're coming back (If you're coming back), You will choose to do so, while you know all the facts. (You may loose her of course if she starts dating as well) 3. Divorce. (after you tried the first two options. it's too bad your wife does not help you here, and thinking only about herself and her "legitimate human rights". If she had some affection for you, she could wrap you with love and attention. But that what happen in a marriage where the husband proposes under pressure and the wife agrees with no love, just because no one else has proposed her before. Edited March 10, 2014 by lolablue17 1
twosadthings Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Deago or Stu, I always have trouble posting a serious response to a thread that is also active on an other marital/love advice site. You are posting almost simultaneously on both sites. When will you also reveal that your friend was helping you with boxes and found more of those diaries and photographs and your friend had a staring role as well? With the acknowledgement that even a bogus thread can have some value, I can say that even if your marriage was started under specious circumstances it could still be worth saving. The stumbling block(s) in my opinion would be why she has kept the miserable matter you have found and why she let you have any contact with anyone she had been intimate with not only the guy she was with when you proposed but your friend as well? I'm not the bogus thread police, there are others who have that job, but if you're on the level she should answer why she didn't get rid of those horrible words and images. Twosadthings 1
sidney2718 Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Whoa! You (Deago) haven't said a thing about your 10 year marriage? Has it been happy? Has she given you any hint of cheating? Is she a good wife? If the answers to all those are yes, then what the hell are you complaining about? Or are you just bored with marriage and looking for a way out? First, you knew her prior to marriage. She told you that you and she were broken up and that she had a date for the weekend. What does it matter that she met him earlier than planned? She did not owe you anything? From your own story you went a bit crazy back then before she accepted your proposal. She was as honest with you as any woman would be with a guy to whom they were not in a serious relationship. And now you are DEMANDING answers! Once you called her, she gave you a decent answer. She couldn't talk then. What do you expect a friend with whom you have broken up to say. We know surmise that she had the other guy in bed at that time. Was she supposed to discuss marriage with you while that was going on. Once you called her back, you proposed and she accepted and as far as you know, has been perfectly proper ever since. When you confront her, what happens if she says to you "Why didn't you propose to me a week earlier?" what will you say? There's your problem right there. My advice: get counseling. And stop bothering your wife. There's nothing she can do about it now.
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