Laowai Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) This is really long, but I'll try to keep it brief. I'm 31, married, with an 18 month old daughter. I have an EXTREMELY happy marriage and we adore our lil girl. My mom got divorced 10 years ago. She never got over it. She got depressed. Ate up all of her savings, lost everything, made really bad and stupid decisions. I've been paying her bills for a long time. She's was still miserable. In Jan 2013 she had a "suicide attempt". Ended up at hospital, my siblings took care of her. She lives in Argentina (where we are from). I live in the US (my husband is American). She came to visit me in September 2013 (I paid for her airplane ticket of course... I should say WE paid it.. hubs and I). Every time her time to go was getting closer, she'll become emotional and distressed. We kept changing the date until her 6 month allowance was finally up. My husband is a very sweet, generous person and kept asking her to stay (the good thing is my mom doesn't speak a word of English, so they can't communicate and there is no trouble). She cleans, watches my daughter, helps a lot. My husband doesn't mind her at all. SO.. I made the biggest f*cking mistake of my life and filed up paperwork to get her a green card (I'm a US citizen). Why is it a mistake?? She drives me insane. She is emotionally abusive. A victim. She hates my friends (I have lots of gay friends from work and she is a strict catholic). She throws fits at me. And she only does this when my husband is out of town (he's a pilot), when he's around she's a little angel. My husband knows she drives me nuts but doesn't see what really happens. If she goes back she has no job (I tried and tried and tried to help her find one, got her a couple of interviews, but nothing worked.. She's too "scared and overwhelmed"). She has no income besides what I send her. Often my whole paycheck. No savings. She doesn't even have a dollar in her wallet. She is depressed. She cries an awful lot. She is convinced life is not fair. I took her to a psychiatrist here (she needed to get a prescription for her meds) and he told me she needs help.. From me, that is.. That she is still at risk for suicide. Basically, she depends on me from now on. I can't just "abandon" her, but she's making my life so miserable. I was so happy.. I am trapped and I don't know what to do. Either forsake her or lose my own sanity. It's drama drama drama and crying at the drop of a hat. It's like walking on eggshells. I'm always afraid I'm going to say something that'll make her go ballistic. She twists and turns everything into hurtful personal attacks. She is really f*cked up in the head. She guilt-trips me over the stupidest sh** and does not let go. There is tension and I really hate that. I'm not dramatic or emotional and this really really brings me down. She is attached to me 24/7. All she talks about is stupid nonsense and made up stuff. She does not speak english so I'm the only person she talks to. I need a break. I can't bring myself to care about any of the stupid things she says. But I try.. I'm at the end of my rope. To make matters worse, in Argentina she lives right next door to her sister (a manic bit**) and my evil grandma, and they both make her miserable. She can't sell her house until my grandma dies. I try to see the positives (help around the house, very sweet to my daughter, etc) and think positive but I'm so worn out... I wish I could send her back and not see/hear her for a long time. My siblings are college students so they can't really support her. It's all on me. And I have no hopes of her getting a job here. She can't speak english. She couldn't keep a job even if she did. I don't know what to do.. Yep, I'm screwed Edited March 10, 2014 by Laowai
preraph Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) I'm so sorry you've had to take all this on. There is no way you should have to put up with her abuse and badmouthing your friends. Here is the only thing I can recommend. Call Social Services. Not sure what they're called in your area but you can always call your city hall and ask them. Meet with them. Tell them how mental your mom is and how it's about to break you and the whole situation. See if they can maybe facilitate her getting a low-cost apartment and get on food stamps, etc. She may need to be in a psychiatric center, but they wouldn't keep her long, I'm sure, because of the way it usually works with them getting paid. But do call Social Services and see if they can help. I'm sure they'll have some suggestions. Be sure NOT to leave out the part where she is abusive to you and draining all your income you need for your child and family. You might even make a case for calling Child Protective Services if she is ever abusive, verbally or otherwise, around your child. But start with Social Services and see what they can recommend. I live in an area where there are as many undocumented immigrants as there are citizens, so they must have some way of surviving. Edited March 11, 2014 by preraph 1
Radu Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I'm afraid you don't have much choice in the matter, and you will need to choose between being a good daughter and being a good parent. Seeing as how your entire female part of the family has 'issues' [the ones you mentioned in Argentina], i wonder if maybe you moved far away from the crazy, and now allowed the crazy to come to you. I would also record her if possible, because this little act of hers might also destroy your relationship with your husband. The idea is for him to see her real face. Be prepared to withdraw your vouching for her application [if at all possible] or to expel her from your house with money to get back to Argentina. Either way this can't keep going on, in your quest to be a good daughter you have been forced in the position of mother to your own mother.
Els Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I'm so sorry you've had to take all this on. There is no way you should have to put up with her abuse and badmouthing your friends. Here is the only thing I can recommend. Call Social Services. Not sure what they're called in your area but you can always call your city hall and ask them. Meet with them. Tell them how mental your mom is and how it's about to break you and the whole situation. See if they can maybe facilitate her getting a low-cost apartment and get on food stamps, etc. She may need to be in a psychiatric center, but they wouldn't keep her long, I'm sure, because of the way it usually works with them getting paid. But do call Social Services and see if they can help. I'm sure they'll have some suggestions. Be sure NOT to leave out the part where she is abusive to you and draining all your income you need for your child and family. You might even make a case for calling Child Protective Services if she is ever abusive, verbally or otherwise, around your child. But start with Social Services and see what they can recommend. I live in an area where there are as many undocumented immigrants as there are citizens, so they must have some way of surviving. Completely second this. Is she entitled to social assistance by having a green card?
CC12 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I took her to a psychiatrist here (she needed to get a prescription for her meds) and he told me she needs help.. From me, that is.. That she is still at risk for suicide. Basically, she depends on me from now on. I'm just some idiot on the internet so of course I don't know better than a doctor, but "She needs help and you need to provide it" doesn't sound like a viable plan. I guess it might work for someone with a healthy relationship with their mother, but since helping her comes at such a great cost to your sanity and happiness, I think you should keep looking for some different professional help. And make sure they know your side. Maybe try therapy together with your mom. There has to be some sort of plan in place to help your mom get better and be more independent. Have you sat down with your mother to ask about her plans for her future? Surely she's not planning to spend the next few decades living with your happy little family. Does she want to stop crying all the time? Does she want a job? Friends? A man? If so, is there anything you could do to help her achieve those goals? I think it would be completely understandable if you wanted to ship your mom back to her home country tomorrow. It's also completely understandable if you're not prepared to do that just yet. But there has to be some sort of forward movement, some plan, some goal...because this arrangement clearly isn't working for you. And your mom has to be on board. Maybe even give her a deadline to move out of your house. Say, one year? She can get a job, hopefully some hobbies, some mental help, and her own place. She'll probably still need your financial help, but at least she wouldn't be in your hair at all times.
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 She needs some tough love. I'd start with get a job or get out. Word it a bit more kindly but that has to be the gist of the message. Explain that if she gets out there & does something, anything, even flipping burgers, she will have a purpose & some financial independence. If the doctor she has isn't on board with this, get a new doctor. 1
Copelandsanity Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I have a friend's sister who is similar to your mom, but the living situation is better. Her parents have a large house where they can give her the entire 2nd floor to live in. My friend used to live with and take care of her, but eventually he couldn't take it anymore and had a breakdown. He moved out. He still does tasks for her that are required to be done - she has multiple, serious health problems - but he's not subject to the emotional abuse full-time. Also her parents are forced to help out sometimes, whereas before they wanted nothing to do with her. If there's any in-between solution, I think it's creating a similar living situation, where she would have her own private space away from you and your family. That could mean building it in your current house, paying for her own apartment elsewhere, or selling your house and purchasing one that has it already - like a townhouse. The townhouse idea is probably the most financially feasible idea and it would likely require downsizing the space you have for your family, but that might be the price to pay for sanity. Short of that, your other choices are the drastic ones: doing everything in your power to get her deported or serving her an eviction notice.
Recommended Posts