In a long term relationship but have a serious crush!

[toering91]

Ok.. I'm not even sure where to start because I don't want anyone to think I'm a horrible person. I'm not someone who would ever cheat on a boyfriend because my mother did that to my dad and I just want to barf when I think about a cheater. Anyway here goes. I have been with my boyfriend for three years this weekend. I love him so much and he's very much in love with me. About the last year or so things changed a little and I think things just got too comfortable. He's kind of a jerk once and a while and doesn't always make me feel great about myself. I'm sure I'm not a saint either but we can both be very stubborn and just feed off of each other and arguments get pretty bad. There's always the one person who gives in during an argument and its never him. I'm always the one doing the compromising and I'm starting to get a little sick of it. So recently I started an internship at a hospital and there is a guy my age who works there. I wouldn't even consider him attractive compared to my boyfriend (which was stupid to even say because obviously looks aren't what matter). But I've worked closely with him my first few weeks and have developed a full blown high school crush on him. I don't know what it is! He's made comments to patients in front of me about how I'm pretty and there was one time that I sat in chair in the lab and I made a comment about how huge the chair was which in turn he said something about me being "tiny" which made me feel amazing because my boyfriend always has me working out and feeling the complete opposite of tiny. I always catch him looking at me and I find myself doing the same. He just makes me feel so good about myself which I haven't in so long. My life has been a stressful mess and my boyfriend being more like a jerky friend the last year hasn't helped the crush situation I'm sure. But here's that worst part.. One day we were in the lab together.. (I stayed three hours late that day because I enjoyed my time with him soo much) My boyfriend had texted me and I guess I had rolled my eyes at the message because my crush yells out "ohh boy that must be the EX or the current boyfriend" and I just laughed it off.. then he asked me "well which one is it?" and I kinda just ignored it.. then a little while later he asked me about it again and I wouldn't confirm to him that I had a boyfriend! This is not fair to my boyfriend. I don't know what is wrong with me I'm soooo ashamed of myself!! why didn't I just tell him yes I have a boyfriend.. I must want this crush to go further?? My boyfriend and I have been talking about him moving in and we've talked about marriage even though I know he's afraid to get married due to his last fiancé who cheated on him. I would never cheat! I just don't know what is wrong with me.. I don't know what to do. I'm not at the hospital anymore but they are hiring and I plan to apply for the job because I love it there! and of course I cant help but think of seeing him more! I've had dreams about him and cant stop thinking about him. I actually find myself being really upset that I don't have his contact info to talk to him. He's just so nice. And of course as I'm typing this my boyfriend texted me calling me "sweetie".. which he never does! He's been extra nice the last few days which makes me feel worse! Its almost like he senses me being distant so he's being extra nice. Which is strange because usually if I'm distant he just yells at me. It's almost like he knows.. I hate myself for this. Please any advice helps!!!!

Edited March 10, 2014 by toering91
added more

[RoseMadder]

Hiya, first of all you're not a horrible person, you're just human, you haven't acted on your feelings and you're trying to "get help" so you don't hurt anyone. Secondly, you seem like a smart girl and I think deep down you know what you should do but are trying to justify doing what you shouldn't. You say you'd never cheat but some of the things you admit to doing could, if you don't get control of the situation, lead to cheating. Not telling him about your BF, for example, is a total red flag.

 

If you want to stay as someone who wouldn't cheat then you seriously need to stay away from the guy you've developed a crush on. Getting a permanent job alongside him, will, I'm sure, lead to you acting on your feelings.

 

What you're going through has happened to pretty much anyone who's been in a long term relationship, I suppose the biggest thing you need to ask yourself is whether these feelings for another guy are symptoms of a bigger problem between you and your BF. Some things just aren't meant to be and maybe your relationship has run it's course. Maybe you both just need a wake-up call. Only you know whether it's worth fighting for.

 

I may be reading this wrong but I sort of get the feeling you're "checking out" of the relationship. You mention that your BF makes you feel unattractive and behaves in ways that damage your self esteem as if that's justification for your feeling towards the OP. Maybe it is. But if that's the case then you should end things with your BF because your situation is toxic, not stay because you're scared of being alone or cheat and make things even more toxic.

 

If things are going to work between you and your BF then you MUST stay away from the OP, you may think you can control yourself but you've already done things that I'm sure would hurt your BF if he found out, I'd be pretty upset if my H had denied having a partner. I don't mean to sound judgemental but that sort of thing is pretty much laying the groundwork for an affair.

 

I hope that nothing I've said offends you, all of the above is only my opinion and I may be reading things totally wrong. Good luck, whatever decision you make may it bring you happiness.

[toering91]

thank you so much for your reply. you said that "only I know whether or not the relationship is worth fighting for" .. I don't. I don't know if its worth fighting for. what do you say to that? does that pretty much mean its not worth it if I cant even determine if it is or not?? How horrible is that!?

[beach]

Why not end it?

 

Just do that before flirting with the new guy.

 

Keeping your self respect is important.

 

The lying by omission is just the start of the cheating ways.

 

If he's your boyfriend - state that.

 

If you no longer want him as your boyfriend - tell him and end it.