GF left me after 7 years for a new guy

[somecamel]

Thanks for your reply this morning. It helped. Another ****ty morning.

 

 

 

In my initial story I failed to mention her obsession with new-age universal attraction nonsense. So the man she met at the airport was instantly her soulmate, the fact that they were seat mates was a sign from the universe. Before she left, she put all of her new age DVDs on the table for me to watch. Her mother, certifiably crazy in her own right, got her into this ****. There's a lot of crazy with the females in that family. I thought I had gotten lucky with her.

 

I was in a very stable mood last night and broke NC after 9 days. Just with a "Hi, I've been busy with a new project." She had sent two messages in the last week and I felt like an ass for not responding. Of course, this is the first time she doesn't immediately reply by morning. Did I walk into a trap? Is she upset that I didn't reply for a week? Or maybe I'll get something later in the day. Either way, I shouldn't have done it.

 

But here's why: Our communication was a huge problem looking back. We were both afraid of confrontation at deep levels and never voiced our real issues. So I felt that by not replying to her innocent "breadcrumb" messages, it merely reaffirmed that I am an uncommunicative jerk. Thats like some triple reverse relationship psychology. She's in a bad spot, certainly, and I'm annoyed she's trying to reach out to mutual friends who she also abandoned.

 

You hit the nail on the head about not knowing what they even want. But I keep insisting on making sure everything adds up; that I have all the answers to questions that I keep coming up with. What is it... is he your soulmate? Was I a monster? Was he an easy way out? What were these personal and private issues? Were you that unhappy? Why couldn't we talk. I'll stop. Just rehashing the same questions everyday.

 

I need to let go for now, but this feels like a death.

 

Thanks for the support. It means the world to me. Stay strong. Eat, man! Hit the gym!

 

I've been following all of your stories guys, I may be a bit ahead of you in the 'healing' process, Broke up properly just over a month ago after near on 6 months of hell with her having an emotional affair with her ex.

 

I've asked myself so many questions as to why she done what she done, why the lies even when I kept on finding out the truth. The pain is so deep I beg for the day when it goes.

 

I'm starting to come to the realisation now that I will never understand and there is no such thing as closure.

 

Paperwings, I broke NC so many times and all I was doing was prolonging the inevitable. I know that I can never be with her again, when someone shatters all the trust you had in them, things will never be the same, it burns to say it and it's even harder to accept it, unfortunately it's the truth.

 

I'm only 4 days NC at the moment. I had a nasty blow up with her on Friday, was more me to be honest but I had to get things off my chest.

 

I kind of feel like a bit of a zombie, I've been drinking a lot in the evenings and smoking a bit of doob as well, I know it's not a great way to deal with this kind of stuff but it does help me to go to sleep.

 

I'm proud of myself as well because I've started to make a lot of changes in my life.

 

I've lost 2.5 Stone (35 pounds) in the past couple of months and have really started to look after myself, been taking the dog out for long walks and eating a lot more healthier, (havnt had a Mc'D's since January 5th).

 

I'm still on Anti-depressants though but they are helping I think.

 

It's a Journey I thought I'd never have to take again, my first LTR of 5 years went sour when she cheated on me, we got back together and had my son, we lasted about 6 months after he was born and split. That was hard. I was with the most recent ex for 7 years.

 

I'm a lot older and uglier now:) with a hell of a lot more experience behind me, I wouldn't say this is any easier but I am getting through it.

 

Keep on posting guys, it helps everyone to see how you're getting on warts and all.

[StubbornSam]

She wants real kids and someone to pay for them.

 

She never wanted to get married or have kids, neither of us.

[StubbornSam]

Thanks for your reply this morning. It helped. Another ****ty morning.

 

 

 

In my initial story I failed to mention her obsession with new-age universal attraction nonsense. So the man she met at the airport was instantly her soulmate, the fact that they were seat mates was a sign from the universe. Before she left, she put all of her new age DVDs on the table for me to watch. Her mother, certifiably crazy in her own right, got her into this ****. There's a lot of crazy with the females in that family. I thought I had gotten lucky with her.

 

I was in a very stable mood last night and broke NC after 9 days. Just with a "Hi, I've been busy with a new project." She had sent two messages in the last week and I felt like an ass for not responding. Of course, this is the first time she doesn't immediately reply by morning. Did I walk into a trap? Is she upset that I didn't reply for a week? Or maybe I'll get something later in the day. Either way, I shouldn't have done it.

 

But here's why: Our communication was a huge problem looking back. We were both afraid of confrontation at deep levels and never voiced our real issues. So I felt that by not replying to her innocent "breadcrumb" messages, it merely reaffirmed that I am an uncommunicative jerk. Thats like some triple reverse relationship psychology. She's in a bad spot, certainly, and I'm annoyed she's trying to reach out to mutual friends who she also abandoned.

 

You hit the nail on the head about not knowing what they even want. But I keep insisting on making sure everything adds up; that I have all the answers to questions that I keep coming up with. What is it... is he your soulmate? Was I a monster? Was he an easy way out? What were these personal and private issues? Were you that unhappy? Why couldn't we talk. I'll stop. Just rehashing the same questions everyday.

 

I need to let go for now, but this feels like a death.

 

Thanks for the support. It means the world to me. Stay strong. Eat, man! Hit the gym!

 

You just need to stick with the NC man. I know it's hard, I looked at my ex's twitter yesterday and it's burning me up. This morning has been hard on me too. I just feel the pain so intensely in my heart, I want nothing more than for it to go away. But that's only going to happen for us if we let go. As much as we loved them, that time is over now. It doesn't seem like it now guys, but there will be a better woman down the road. One who truly appreciates what we have to offer on every level. Don't contact her anymore, you have to ignore. You're just prolonging the pain.

[StubbornSam]

I've been following all of your stories guys, I may be a bit ahead of you in the 'healing' process, Broke up properly just over a month ago after near on 6 months of hell with her having an emotional affair with her ex.

 

I've asked myself so many questions as to why she done what she done, why the lies even when I kept on finding out the truth. The pain is so deep I beg for the day when it goes.

 

I'm starting to come to the realisation now that I will never understand and there is no such thing as closure.

 

Paperwings, I broke NC so many times and all I was doing was prolonging the inevitable. I know that I can never be with her again, when someone shatters all the trust you had in them, things will never be the same, it burns to say it and it's even harder to accept it, unfortunately it's the truth.

 

I'm only 4 days NC at the moment. I had a nasty blow up with her on Friday, was more me to be honest but I had to get things off my chest.

 

I kind of feel like a bit of a zombie, I've been drinking a lot in the evenings and smoking a bit of doob as well, I know it's not a great way to deal with this kind of stuff but it does help me to go to sleep.

 

I'm proud of myself as well because I've started to make a lot of changes in my life.

 

I've lost 2.5 Stone (35 pounds) in the past couple of months and have really started to look after myself, been taking the dog out for long walks and eating a lot more healthier, (havnt had a Mc'D's since January 5th).

 

I'm still on Anti-depressants though but they are helping I think.

 

It's a Journey I thought I'd never have to take again, my first LTR of 5 years went sour when she cheated on me, we got back together and had my son, we lasted about 6 months after he was born and split. That was hard. I was with the most recent ex for 7 years.

 

I'm a lot older and uglier now:) with a hell of a lot more experience behind me, I wouldn't say this is any easier but I am getting through it.

 

Keep on posting guys, it helps everyone to see how you're getting on warts and all.

 

Yeah, like I said last night. These woman don't know what they really want. They just wanted something new. We all have to move on because even if they came crawling back, they wouldn't be the same. You're right, we could never trust them again, and chances are they would do it again eventually.

 

Keep thinking, you're not alone, we're all hurting, this is worse than a death to me specifically. Death has closure, this doesn't make any sense. Even the parts that do make sense aren't substantial enough to make it any easier.

 

I know I could have been a better boyfriend, but I told her after the BU, that I NEVER would have done her like she did me. NEVER. I'm sure you guys wouldn't have either. Take pride in that. Remember that we were the better people ultimately. That's never going to change.

[paperwings]

I know I keep rehashing the same old story... but I'm having a bad couple hours. Why would she leave all of her belongings? Says she doesn't need them anymore. Is that rational behavior? Said she'd come "someday" to clear them out. (I know I'm told to just throw them away or put them in storage, but thats not my concern in this thread). Just looking for any insight into her headspace.

 

It's not like she recoiled at my sight and had to immediately get away -- we had days together before she finally left. But her office is still full, bathroom has all of her perfumes, bedroom still has her clothes, nightstand still full of her items. It's heartbreaking for so many reasons.

 

Could you just get up and go like that? Leave everything including memories? I have too many fond memories attached... I couldn't walk away with everything but a suitcase of clothes. Maybe that's just me.

[somecamel]

I know I keep rehashing the same old story... but I'm having a bad couple hours. Why would she leave all of her belongings? Says she doesn't need them anymore. Is that rational behavior? Said she'd come "someday" to clear them out. (I know I'm told to just throw them away or put them in storage, but thats not my concern in this thread). Just looking for any insight into her headspace.

 

It's not like she recoiled at my sight and had to immediately get away -- we had days together before she finally left. But her office is still full, bathroom has all of her perfumes, bedroom still has her clothes, nightstand still full of her items. It's heartbreaking for so many reasons.

 

Could you just get up and go like that? Leave everything including memories? I have too many fond memories attached... I couldn't walk away with everything but a suitcase of clothes. Maybe that's just me.

 

No problem with rehashing, it's just your mind trying to work out what the hell just happened.

 

You need to box her stuff up and put it away somewhere out of the way or get rid of it. It must be a constant reminder of her and it's not helping you to move on.

 

I still have bits of my ex's stuff, she did come a few weeks to collect some of it but left more than she took. I made another pile of her bits to replace the space where I had already packed the first lot of her ****.

 

I told her I'll be bringing it up to London at the weekend whereas I'd much prefer to just chuck it all away.

 

I actually highly recommend packing up their stuff, it was a nice release when I done it although I did rip up a few photos of us and chuck them in some of the boxes:P But it does give you some kind of finality.

[StubbornSam]

I know I keep rehashing the same old story... but I'm having a bad couple hours. Why would she leave all of her belongings? Says she doesn't need them anymore. Is that rational behavior? Said she'd come "someday" to clear them out. (I know I'm told to just throw them away or put them in storage, but thats not my concern in this thread). Just looking for any insight into her headspace.

 

It's not like she recoiled at my sight and had to immediately get away -- we had days together before she finally left. But her office is still full, bathroom has all of her perfumes, bedroom still has her clothes, nightstand still full of her items. It's heartbreaking for so many reasons.

 

Could you just get up and go like that? Leave everything including memories? I have too many fond memories attached... I couldn't walk away with everything but a suitcase of clothes. Maybe that's just me.

 

I'm having a rough one today too, last few days actually. I'll have brief moments of "it's okay, wasn't meant to be" but mostly just feeling heavy and restless.

 

I really don't know how someone can just ditch the life they shared with someone completely overnight. It doesn't make any god damn sense. Because there's nothing to understand. You def got to pack her things away. When my ex left she left behind a ton of crap laying around, and I literately just left it all on the ground, in the kitchen, in the bathroom for well over a month. After I finally threw everything of hers in the garbage it did feel a lot better. It's progress.

[flitzanu]

all of you, you've got to stop following your exes' social lives on facebook and twitter and everywhere else. there is literally NOTHING that they are EVER going to say or post on there that will have ANYTHING to do with you, and you're just going to hurt yourselves day after day to keep reading how happy they are with their lives now that they've left you.

[StubbornSam]

Well, I just broke NC completely by sending her a message. I broke the rules, but guess what. I actually feel better guys. Why? Because, I needed to apologize for being a dick after the break and before. I know I wasn't faultless, I told her it was still wrong for her to have lied about having a new guy lined up, but that I understood why she lied. I know many may disagree with me on what I did, but I expect nothing from her in return, just the fact that I got it off my chest makes me feel better. I think it was my acceptance letter. Indeed it was. It's been over 2 months, I feel like another couple months and I will be nearly healed, but this had to be done for my own sake. I know it's over. Now she knows I know. It is what it is. Time to finally move on....

[StubbornSam]

Well, I just broke NC completely by sending her a message. I broke the rules, but guess what. I actually feel better guys. Why? Because, I needed to apologize for being a dick after the break and before. I know I wasn't faultless, I told her it was still wrong for her to have lied about having a new guy lined up, but that I understood why she lied. I know many may disagree with me on what I did, but I expect nothing from her in return, just the fact that I got it off my chest makes me feel better. I think it was my acceptance letter. Indeed it was. It's been over 2 months, I feel like another couple months and I will be nearly healed, but this had to be done for my own sake. I know it's over. Now she knows I know. It is what it is. Time to finally move on....

 

Follow up: She responded saying thank you, and that she swears to god she wasn't talking to that guy, but hung out with him after the BU b/c she was lonely. I don't believe it, but I'm starting not to care anyways. She said she fell in love with him, and that it doesn't make sense but things just happened. Wished me the best and said bye.

 

I'm not going to lie, I'm still in pain, but I can see the light now.

The fact that she admitted that none of what happened makes sense is a relief.... She couldn't deal with being alone, and had to find someone to love her immediately. That's a horrible weakness. She's absolutely delusional. But hey, that's not my problem anymore, now the new guy can experience it for himself LOL.

[paperwings]

Good to hear Sam. We're still hear for you when times get rough. And you know they will. This will be a long process, but I'm very glad you're on an upswing.

[StubbornSam]

Of course, I can't just turn off my feelings for her. But I think it's important we all try to forgive them, not for their sake but ours. Staying confused and bitter is not the way to handle things.

 

I will be sticking around for awhile, for myself and to help you guys and others. This place has been helpful.

[Kevin_D]

It will get worse. Trust me.

[Hello_is_it_me]

OP, sounds like you were emotionally draining. She gave you warning signs and the chance to change and you didn't. You even lied to her about getting a job. She breaks up with you and starts dating some other guy after (according to your dates listed, she wasn't dating him while you and her were still together). I actually agree with her. You need to find your own independence. And wasting time being petty over her new beau is not going to help.

[Kevin_D]

OP, sounds like you were emotionally draining. She gave you warning signs and the chance to change and you didn't. You even lied to her about getting a job. She breaks up with you and starts dating some other guy after (according to your dates listed, she wasn't dating him while you and her were still together). I actually agree with her. You need to find your own independence. And wasting time being petty over her new beau is not going to help.

 

Wow, you really are an *******. Emotionally draining? He lost his father. Grow up.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Wow, you really are an *******. Emotionally draining? He lost his father. Grow up.

 

I was talking about the job thing. I think that was the main issue.

[Kevin_D]

I was talking about the job thing. I think that was the main issue.

 

Would you dump your girlfriend if she was unable to find a job?

 

Or would you support her and try to help her finding one?

[Hello_is_it_me]

Would you dump your girlfriend if she was unable to find a job?

 

Or would you support her and try to help her finding one?

 

Keep the context of the OP in mind. He admitted that he didn't try hard enough looking for a job and was even wondering himself if this was his subconscious way of "sabotaging the relationship." He was unemployed for TWO years. Then admitted to lying about getting a job to appease the gf.

 

Whatever was going on there, that relationship was not healthy anymore for either individual.

[StubbornSam]

Update ya'll: I just got a job!

 

@happy - Not cool to attack somebody when they're going through a very hard time like this. If you can't be positive then please leave this site.

 

If you read my recent post, I just apologized for being a bum while I was super depressed. She thanked me. Kevin is right, you don't leave somebody you really love, especially not when they are at their absolute lowest. I forgive her now, but the pain will remain for sometime.

 

The good news is I do not feel guilty after saying sorry, and if she thinks she's in love after 2 months then good for her. I don't hate her, I'm not bitter. She's the one who didn't have to suffer after the break up. She's the one who is going to repeat and fail.

[paperwings]

How are you two doing?

 

I'll have a great day.... followed by the worst low yet.

 

This is going to take a long time isn't it.

[StubbornSam]

How are you two doing?

 

I'll have a great day.... followed by the worst low yet.

 

This is going to take a long time isn't it.

 

Same here man, I realize now that my ex told me (so full of ****) she was in love just to make me jealous and hurt me. But because of that it's forcing me to understand just how rotten and immature and not worth my time she is. It's a double edged sword.

 

Just stay busy and focus on other things as much as possible.

[708]

@ kevin and paperwings, I know I came here looking for advice, but trust me guys we will be OKAY. I have the extreme up and downs too, sometimes I just start crying almost out of nowhere. Other times I almost feel free in a strange way.

 

It is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, more so than my father's death. That's how much I loved this girl. I think the best thing for all of us is to just focus on ourselves, self improve, and DO NOT contact them by any means.

That just reopens the wound. Frankly, it is so easy to fake emotions on the internet anyways, they just want us to think they're so happy (everyone really) but in reality we don't know what's going on.

 

I will always love my ex, but that doesn't mean I can't move on from her. I think it's important to not be too bitter. We're all human, and guys like us deserve better than that.

 

We will find someone better. Someone, someday who will appreciate us. Maybe not forever, but that's life I guess. Just can't make the same mistakes again. Because those girls who jump straight until another relationship definitely will, and they will pay for it eventually.

 

 

You guys need to start acting like men and not a bunch of crybabies. And i mean that in the best way possible. Life goes on, take it as an experience and learn from it. I was numb for a good 3-4 days after my last EX and the things she did were the same old (cheating, lying etc) and i get you guys the whole heart vs mind thing. Its terrible and painful, the hurt is overbearing at times and i think about it every day. Difference is.... will you moop around the house or get up like a man and get over it?

 

After the breakup i am getting 5x more things done now and its only been 2 weeks. I already have a bunch of awesome adventure trips planned, i am going back to doing all the things i loved when i was single and if anything i am MORE DRIVEN now. I am going to see more new places in the next year than i ever did while i was with her so thats a big plus! You guys have to realize that life will only suck if you LET it. It can be awesome if you find the willpower to get through this crap.

[StubbornSam]

I hear you 708, no need to name call though. You know how difficult it is in the first several months. Personally, it has motivated the **** out of me. I got a new job, a new apartment, with cool new roommates to chill with. I'm working out, making a ton of music, just trying to stay positive.

 

If people need to come here and grieve and be "cry babies" don't hate on that. It's different for everyone. Just because we're sad doesn't mean we can't function in society any longer. If it's that bad they should be in therapy.

 

The light at the end of the tunnel is bright for everyone, just not everyone can see it, or even knows it exist. Let's stick together and not be judgmental.

[somecamel]

You guys need to start acting like men and not a bunch of crybabies. And i mean that in the best way possible. Life goes on, take it as an experience and learn from it. I was numb for a good 3-4 days after my last EX and the things she did were the same old (cheating, lying etc) and i get you guys the whole heart vs mind thing. Its terrible and painful, the hurt is overbearing at times and i think about it every day. Difference is.... will you moop around the house or get up like a man and get over it?

 

After the breakup i am getting 5x more things done now and its only been 2 weeks. I already have a bunch of awesome adventure trips planned, i am going back to doing all the things i loved when i was single and if anything i am MORE DRIVEN now. I am going to see more new places in the next year than i ever did while i was with her so thats a big plus! You guys have to realize that life will only suck if you LET it. It can be awesome if you find the willpower to get through this crap.

 

This is probably one of the few places where we can vent our true thoughts and feelings without fear of reprisal, (maybe some hard positivity from chi or some down right this is the way it is from Simonphoenix) but we can say how we feel, I've never had an issue with expressing my feelings, people used to think I was gay haha.

 

You're two weeks in....

 

Either your relationship meant nothing or you're about to have a crash.

Edited March 14, 2014 by somecamel
grammar

[StubbornSam]

This is probably one of the few places where we can vent our true thoughts and feelings without fear of reprisal, (maybe some hard positivity from chi or some down right this is the way it is from Simonphoenix) but we can say how we feel, I've never had an issue with expressing my feelings, people used to think I was gay haha.

 

You're two weeks in....

 

Either your relationship meant nothing or you're about to have a crash.

 

For real, the first two weeks I didn't even care that much. I was still in shock. I was eating fine and felt like I was on vacation! Oh boy did that all change.