Chi townD Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) Yeah dude, I am the BIGGEST advocate for travel on this site. I LOVE IT! I think it's so therapeutic. Even just short little getaway weekends help. Recently my wander lust kicked in big time because I had to post my story here a couple of days ago and that always gets me spun up to travel. So, I might have to dip into my big trip fund and take a mini vacation somewhere to satisfy my travel bug. Damn this place sometimes! And your right, I have been in your shoes. Almost exactly! So, I went ahead and I'm going to copy and paste it here so you can HOPEFULY, get motivated to start your new life without her. If other people have read this, I apologize, please skip over this post. Here we go! Years ago I was dating this girl and I was madly in love with her. So much so that I put a down payment on a ring. I was going to ask her to marry me. But, I discovered that she was cheating on me. I confronted her with it and I was fully expecting her to cry and apologize and a little begging and pleading. I couldn't be more wrong. She blasted into me. Called me a loser and that I was satisfied with skating through life, never going to college, working dead end jobs for the rest of my life. Then, she said that she was going with someone that actually had a future. And that was the last time I talked to her. I was a basket case. I was a young kid living in a studio apartment that I could barely afford working a crappy job. I became depressed, a hermit and my friends were really concerned that I might do something stupid. So, one Friday morning, my best friend broke into my place before I was up to go to work. He grabbed my phone and called my boss saying that I was really sick and he was taking me to the doctor's. He then packed an overnight bag with a couple of pairs of clothes and he literally kidnapped me. I found myself at the train station and we were on a train bound for St. Louis. We checked into a hotel and we start to see the sites. I never been to St. Louis, so this was a new experience for me. I leaned up against the Arch, we saw a Cardinals baseball game, we toured the brewery and drank a lot of beer at the end. Then, at night, we hit the clubs and I even danced with a few girls. It was a great weekend away and on the train a realize what it was all about. My friend wanted to show me that there was more to life than my Ex. That trip was needed to get me to decompress and re-energize. I became motivated to prove my Ex was wrong about me. When, I got back home, I apply to any University that would take me. I finally got one to take a chance on me. In high school, I had decent grades, but I was not getting into Harvard that's for sure. The University put me on a probationary period to see if I could handle the coursework. But, I knocked it out of the park. Probation was off because after my first semester, I had a 3.78 GPA. I found that I liked school and the challenge of it. So, I went a lot! I got my undergrad degree, then I went to graduate school. Got that done and started in my career. But, for the first year of school. It was all about proving my Ex wrong. But, after time, it became about me. My Ex didn't even know I was in school. She wasn't studying, I was. She wasn't the one writing the papers, I was. She wasn't the one taking the tests, I was. So, it became about me and MY future. I did well in my career and was good at it. I was happy. And after that trip to St. Louis, I got the bug to travel. To see what's out there. Grabbing some friends to go with me. At first, due to funds, the trips were around the country. I went whitewater rafting in West Virginia. Deep sea fishing in Key West, Dog sledding in Minnesota. Then, later in life, I started traveling outside the country. England, France, Spain, Brazil, Germany....I've probably been to no less than 20 different countries. And you get to see things that most people only see in magazines. To see different cultures and meet new people. That's how I met my wife and she is kind and loving and is easily 10 times better than my Ex ever was! And thank God she understands my need for travel. Sometimes she comes with me, sometimes she doesn't. It depends what I'm doing. My last trip was to cycle the Camino de Santiago and she didn't go with me. She didn't think that riding a bike through Spain was her idea of fun. But, our next trip was just to chill out at a resort in Santa Monica in Southern California. She went on that one, LOL! So, here I am, the loser that was never going anywhere with a career making good money, a wife, owning my own home in the suburbs and doing well for myself. I don't know if my Ex ever found out what I ended up doing with my life. But, if she ever entered into my home and went to my Den, she would see pictures on my wall with me on the Summit of Mount Fuji, pic of me and Big Ben, pic of me standing in the Gobe desert, Me and the Eiffel Tower, Pic of me in Tokyo. At Octoberfest in Germany, Me in Rio, me and the Compostella de Santiago.....she would know I live a full life. And she was the one that missed out on it all. Did I ever find out what happened to my Ex? Sort of, the last I heard is that she stayed with the guy she was cheating on me with. He was going to University the same time I was (different schools though) and he had to transfer to the "University of I'm pregnant and you need to get a job" Last I heard, Mr. Going places in life was an ambulance driver. So, the point of all of that is the BEST revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good life. Hopefully, this helps. Edited March 10, 2014 by Chi townD 1
Author StubbornSam Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Right on brother, I hope I too someday can travel the world, ex be damned. I was strong before I met her, I will be even stronger again. In a twisted way these heartless tramps are doing us a favor in the long run, since it forces us to get our lives on track.
Chi townD Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Yeah dude, so do it! Nothing stopping ya. No one is stopping ya. Get motivated and get going! And I PROMISE you, after your first trip away, you're going to want to do it again!
flitzanu Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Because I'm a human being with feelings? I almost want to appreciate your bluntness, but you speak as someone who hasn't been left for another man. Part of me wants her to crash and come crawling back, even though I know she couldn't be trusted again. Another part of me wants to move and never hear from her again. Confusion is the devil here my friend. It's always easier to say than to do. or i speak as someone who has been through this time and time again, just as everyone else on here has, and telling you that the best option that no one ever told ME was to cut her out of your life completely and entirely, or you're never going to heal.
Author StubbornSam Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 or i speak as someone who has been through this time and time again, just as everyone else on here has, and telling you that the best option that no one ever told ME was to cut her out of your life completely and entirely, or you're never going to heal. I respect that, this is the first time for me. I was never in love like this before. Trust me I'm doing the best I can. 7 years is a long time to just walk away from.
OzHeartache Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Give yourself something to look forward to! That will stop you from looking back! (Damn, that's a good one! I'm gonna have to remember that!) haha sure is Chi Town....... copyright that Sh_it! Love it!
yorkie Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 first time for me after 13 years it destroys you and you just wander round for a while i am healing each day but still find it hard. 6/7 months now for me so know how everyone feels. but remember what doesn't kill us makes us stronger! 1
Author StubbornSam Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Okay guys, I ****ed up today, I looked at her twitter because it's her birthday, it was like an itch, I just had to scratch it. She claims her new boyfriend is the "raddest" boyfriend ever, and today he bought her a ride on a helicopter over the city. Ugh, I'm such an idiot, feel so ****ty right now. Stupid, stupid!!
Kevin_D Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Okay guys, I ****ed up today, I looked at her twitter because it's her birthday, it was like an itch, I just had to scratch it. She claims her new boyfriend is the "raddest" boyfriend ever, and today he bought her a ride on a helicopter over the city. Ugh, I'm such an idiot, feel so ****ty right now. Stupid, stupid!! It happens. She probably wrote that just to mess with you. I don't know why the enjoy doing this. I would feel so ashamed if I dumped someone and started to brag about my new girlfriend a couple of months later. But obviously I'm wired differently. 1
Author StubbornSam Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 It happens. She probably wrote that just to mess with you. I don't know why the enjoy doing this. I would feel so ashamed if I dumped someone and started to brag about my new girlfriend a couple of months later. But obviously I'm wired differently. Yeah, I know she wrote it to mess with me. It's like does she want me to go crazy again and send her countless texts? That would be pathetic, but would probably make her feel good about herself. I don't understand women dude. How can this be the same person I slept with every night for 7 years, that only ended 2 months ago?
Kevin_D Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Yeah, I know she wrote it to mess with me. It's like does she want me to go crazy again and send her countless texts? That would be pathetic, but would probably make her feel good about herself. I don't understand women dude. How can this be the same person I slept with every night for 7 years, that only ended 2 months ago? I know, it's insane. It makes me wonder if I ever actually knew her. Maybe she's just a social cameleon? Was it all an act just to make sure that I wouldn't leave her as long as she needed me? The other explanation is that she's (currently) mentally ill. Why would you want to hurt someone after you ripped his heart out? It's pure sadism.
Author StubbornSam Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Temporary insanity might not be so far fetched as it sounds. Think about it. These girls DID love the **** out of us at one point in time. They got tired of our problems, and looked for greener pastures, or some douche bags charmed them into leaving us. Either way, the frustration that they got when the relationship was dying and the guilt of lying and having a new target SHOULD eat at a sane person. Therefore the only logical conclusion would be delusion. My ex would almost express this through text after the BU by mentioning how she can just suppress her emotions to move on. But I remember when those emotions would let loose, she would turn into a crazy person. Punch me, throw things, break doors. These deep seeded issues don't just magically go away because some twat is screwing and spoiling her all the sudden. Girls are great at denial, let's face it. Having a new boyfriend to distract and get hung up on is the just their ****ed up remedy. 1
Author StubbornSam Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Although why they try to rub it in? I don't know. Regression. They become immature again to help push us away. Ignorance is bliss after all. All these character flaws, and I still care about her, it sucks.
Kevin_D Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Haha. One of the first things my ex said to me was: "You know, it's kind of strange, but I can grow tired of things and change my mind VERY quickly... well... um... I mean... not when it comes to love." When she broke up, she refused to discuss the relationship, becausethat might cause her to regret her decision. When I tried to talk about it, she hung up, cut off all sources of contact and added a song called "Au Revoir" to our Spotify playlist. After 6 years. What the hell? Is this an adult? And yeah, a few weeks later my ******* friends started reporting that she was writing how about how much she is in love on her Facebook wall. The weird thing is that she seemed so much more mature when I met her, when she was 17! She would joke about people who spent too much time on Facebook, she rarely used bad language and she always treated other people with respect. And suddenly, at the age of 24, she sounds like this: "Loool wow dude!!!! that's so freakin' cool man!! **** everything tonite it's PAAAARTY TIME!! #me #so #****ing #happy" What the hell happened? Does she realise that she sounds like a dumb slut? 1
Author StubbornSam Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Omg, dude exactly, exactly, exactly. When I wanted to discuss the problems in the relationship for the last month before we broke up, it was always something different. When I would bring logic and resolve to one of the given excuses, she would change it to something else entirely. Of course we know why now, it's because they already had their next relationship ready to go. What does this prove though? Can women not be trusted? I never had trust issues but I don't know how I'll get over this type of betrayal. I think we can at least take solace in the fact that they are doomed to repeat their bad decisions and we will have only grown stronger in the end. Right now it's a large mix of pure hatred and heartache in my chest. It's so heavy, and I know it won't last forever. But damn, I wish these horrible women didn't get off so easy like this at first. It's so unbalanced. There has to be justice. 1
Kevin_D Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Well, the justice is that there comes a day when most of their friends are happily married and all the men their age are going after younger women. That's when they hopefully realise how stupid they were to throw everything away. Or they just become bitter old hags. But they won't be happy - if that's a relief.
hoping2heal Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I don't agree with people not communicating their unhappiness and then waiting until they have a back up plan to abandon the sinking ship. But, you were the sinking ship. 2 years and no job, to which you admit you did not try that hard? How much respect do you think she would have had for you? Now, I do believe there are people who land into exceptionally poor circumstances and despite trying in earnest, just cannot better themselves. I am not talking about that with you, because that is not your situation as I understand it. You have to do better for yourself and silver lining: maybe you can put all of your focus on that and you won't have to think about this failed relationship quite as much. 1
Kevin_D Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 But, you were the sinking ship. 2 years and no job, to which you admit you did not try that hard? How much respect do you think she would have had for you? Now, I do believe there are people who land into exceptionally poor circumstances and despite trying in earnest, just cannot better themselves. I am not talking about that with you, because that is not your situation as I understand it. Um... Maybe we have different views on love, but to me love is about supporting each other, not making demands. Yes, I can understand if didn't want to pay all the bills herself, but come on... His father died. I have a master in engineering from the best university of my country. Yet, I've been trying to find a job for two years now. I never thought I was going to be in this position. I'm smart, I'm talented and I'm nice guy to hang out with. I've always been one of the top students. But yet, all the jerks K know, who never cared about their education, seem to get good jobs through all their contacts... For the first time in my life, I felt worthless. I stopped believing in myself. I felt stupid for even trying to apply to new jobs. Obviously no one wanted to hire me, even though I have a great education. I wanted to fight, but it became increasingly harder. That's when you read to feel that special love from your partner. I wished that my girlfriend would cheer my up and say "I know how talented you are, keep trying!", but instead she said "I think I could do better" and left me. Is that love? Don't think so. A couple of years earlier, her mother died. She fell behind. She became depressed. She spent all her money and borrowed more from her dad. Lied to him about getting a job. Borrowed money from others so that she could repay him. Many times we couldn't do things I wanted to do, because she had already spent all her money (one of the reasons I suspect she might actually be bipolar, just like her mother). Did I say to her "I'm bored, I'm going to find a partner that's more fun to hang out with"? NO! I supported her, comforted her, helped her catch up, encouraged her... If I had a girlfriend who REFUSED to work, I would simply tell her: "You can stay her for free, but I'm not lending you any money to clothes, social activities or other fun stuff". But dump the one I love? No way. 1
Author StubbornSam Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I forgot to mention that her cousin actually did die last year in a motorcycle accident. I lost a cousin before too, so I knew how to comfort her. I was there day and night holding her while she cried for weeks. My own father died, and not but 7 months later she's gone. She wasn't as supportive as one would hope, but I do take blame for letting it get me down for too long. Keeping me around until she found a new dick was the dirtiest thing she could ever do. That pain is intense to me.
Kevin_D Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I forgot to mention that her cousin actually did die last year in a motorcycle accident. I lost a cousin before too, so I knew how to comfort her. I was there day and night holding her while she cried for weeks. My own father died, and not but 7 months later she's gone. She wasn't as supportive as one would hope, but I do take blame for letting it get me down for too long. Keeping me around until she found a new dick was the dirtiest thing she could ever do. That pain is intense to me. Yeah, I know how you feel. The worst part was that she would constantly tell that she would never cheat and that I was the one she had always dream about. But if she was planning to leave for 6 months but kept a straight face until se was sure the new dude wanted her. Maybe she didn't kiss him before she broke up, but does it really matter? It's just another sick way for her to justify her own behavior. It still feels like a nightmare. After 4 months. How could she be so cruel? I'm sorry that I keep talking about myself, but your experience seems to be so simular so it feels really good to share my story here.
Author StubbornSam Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 Yeah, we're pretty much in the same boat brother. Feel free to keep venting, I know I'm not done, going to crash for tonight though. Keep your head up. We're good people, we'll get over it like how adults are supposed to, and someday won't even care. They did us favors because we deserve better anyways. They always say the nicest things when they're in love, but without proper communication and patience, the girl just is a waste of time. Our ex's are doomed to repeat, could be months, could be years. Either way, we're free of that now. Let's try to stay positive. 2
paperwings Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) Temporary insanity might not be so far fetched as it sounds. My girl admitted that she very well may have lost her mind in January. Today was rough. Intense highs and lows. Deep lows, actually. Had to lean on a lot of friends. But I've been focused on this project for the last 6 hours and have maintained a stable mood and haven't thought of her much. From the sounds of it, my ex's runaway life may not be turning out the way she expected. She's started to reach out to some of our mutual friends to try to mend burned bridges. I suspect she would've tried that with me, but I haven't replied to her in a week. Either way, I still question just how much I was responsible for her leaving. I'm heavy with self doubt and guilt. Then again, nothing I've done justifies her abandoning everything and running away to some guy she hardly knew. Be an adult and talk about your issues! To throw away 8 years? Damnit. From an email: I'm really sorry how you've been hurt by my actions, although words don't change it, I really do mean it. The layers of private and personal issues in my relationship with ----- came to a head very quickly- there's a lot of sorrow in my heart about how fast things manifested. I think it's a lot of things too private to share, mixed with my knowing that you'll always be -----'s friend first...it was as if a window out of that life opened, and I jumped out the window. Not sure what to make of that. It sure as hell didn't feel good to read it, though. Edited March 11, 2014 by paperwings
Author StubbornSam Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 My girl admitted that she very well may have lost her mind in January. Today was rough. Intense highs and lows. Deep lows, actually. Had to lean on a lot of friends. But I've been focused on this project for the last 6 hours and have maintained a stable mood and haven't thought of her much. From the sounds of it, my ex's runaway life may not be turning out the way she expected. She's started to reach out to some of our mutual friends to try to mend burned bridges. I suspect she would've tried that with me, but I haven't replied to her in a week. Either way, I still question just how much I was responsible for her leaving. I'm heavy with self doubt and guilt. Then again, nothing I've done justifies her abandoning everything and running away to some guy she hardly knew. Be an adult and talk about your issues! To throw away 8 years? Damnit. From an email: Not sure what to make of that. It sure as hell didn't feel good to read it, though. Your ex really, really went into crazy mode. I don't know if she has some kind of personality disorder or what have you, but what she did in particular was very extreme and illogical. Don't let the unexplainable bring you too down. It's all completely nonsensical. Part of the reason these little girls (what they regress to) can't explain anything properly is because there is no proper explanation. They don't know what they really want, but they don't want us anymore, at least for the time being. I felt so crappy yesterday I barely ate anything but a ramen and some toast. Paying for it today, I feel really sick. Think my ex gives one ****?? Hell no. Need to use this as motivation to keep pushing forward and attempt to not care about someone who could just throw away everything we had.
paperwings Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 (edited) Thanks for your reply this morning. It helped. Another ****ty morning. Your ex really, really went into crazy mode. I don't know if she has some kind of personality disorder or what have you, but what she did in particular was very extreme and illogical. Don't let the unexplainable bring you too down. It's all completely nonsensical. In my initial story I failed to mention her obsession with new-age universal attraction nonsense. So the man she met at the airport was instantly her soulmate, the fact that they were seat mates was a sign from the universe. Before she left, she put all of her new age DVDs on the table for me to watch. Her mother, certifiably crazy in her own right, got her into this ****. There's a lot of crazy with the females in that family. I thought I had gotten lucky with her. I was in a very stable mood last night and broke NC after 9 days. Just with a "Hi, I've been busy with a new project." She had sent two messages in the last week and I felt like an ass for not responding. Of course, this is the first time she doesn't immediately reply by morning. Did I walk into a trap? Is she upset that I didn't reply for a week? Or maybe I'll get something later in the day. Either way, I shouldn't have done it. But here's why: Our communication was a huge problem looking back. We were both afraid of confrontation at deep levels and never voiced our real issues. So I felt that by not replying to her innocent "breadcrumb" messages, it merely reaffirmed that I am an uncommunicative jerk. Thats like some triple reverse relationship psychology. She's in a bad spot, certainly, and I'm annoyed she's trying to reach out to mutual friends who she also abandoned. You hit the nail on the head about not knowing what they even want. But I keep insisting on making sure everything adds up; that I have all the answers to questions that I keep coming up with. What is it... is he your soulmate? Was I a monster? Was he an easy way out? What were these personal and private issues? Were you that unhappy? Why couldn't we talk. I'll stop. Just rehashing the same questions everyday. I need to let go for now, but this feels like a death. Thanks for the support. It means the world to me. Stay strong. Eat, man! Hit the gym! Edited March 11, 2014 by paperwings
Mr. Nibbles Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I also have two cats that are older, we treated them like our children. She wants real kids and someone to pay for them.
Recommended Posts