GF left me after 7 years for a new guy

[StubbornSam]

We met when we were both 21, lived together for 6.5 years. I've been unemployed for 2 years, I tend to get depressed now and then, and about a year ago my father died, and the next month my grandpa passed away too.

 

She was always very supportive, both emotionally and financially. Yet as time went on throughout the year, she was getting more and more distant and upset that I still wasn't working. I never tried hard enough, I kind of think I subconsciously wanted to sabotage the relationship for some ****ed up reason.

 

Skip to December 2013 and she starts telling me she's going to move out if I don't get a job asap. Anyways, I lied and told her I got a job a couple weeks later that month, and then she tells me that she's happy for me, but she's going to move out anyways. Tells me that she wants me to become the "strong independent great man I was meant to be."

 

She moved out on January 7th, took her 3 trips to get all of her stuff out, the 2nd time on Jan 17th she came to get stuff, she came over and brought food, we talked about things, I tried to sleep with her, but we only ended up kissing and holding each other. We said we'd always love each other but she needed space and time, she was still angry with me.

 

The 3rd and final time she came to get the last of her stuff, I couldn't deal with seeing her again, so I left while she came over. That was Jan 25th.

 

Now, I did end up going crazy and sending some pretty nasty text messages after that time, then I would send apology text a few days later. I started talking to this girl on twitter, we hit it off, but of course she lives in the UK. So late January I told my ex about this new girl I was talking to, she of course flips out and then saying bad things about me. Never apologized back to me.

 

Here's where it gets good.

 

Now, let's skip ahead a month to February 22nd. I was feeling particularly sad that day, and decided to look at her facebook for the first time in awhile. Turns out she's been "in a relationship" with somebody since JANUARY 21st.

They have pictures of them face to face smiling that were taken only 6 DAYS after she moved out.

 

So, from what I gather her whole plan was to dump me to be with this guy, yet all the times I asked her if it was another guy she lied over and over. I knew that it was, and sadly I was right. So I called and texted her that day I found out. Told her she was indeed a bad person and bla bla bla, idk how you could do that me, and so forth. The last thing I said to her was, "You're the one that has to live with what you did to me, I'm guilt free. Take care"

 

Since then it's been NC from both sides. I know what everyone says, but I still think about her constantly, she's in my dreams EVERY single night. I have a highly overactive imagination, which is not good in this situation. The part that hurts worst is knowing that she's off being happy with this rebound, and I'm suffering constantly with this pain and depression.

 

Any advice would be highly appreciated, thanks for reading.

 

Also would like to add that since I was broke, I was unable to pay rent or buy food. I also have two cats that are older, we treated them like our children.

 

I miss her dearly and don't know if I should try to let go completely or see if she crashes and burns. I promised myself I wouldn't take her back, but I truly feel like she's the love of my life, as stupid as that sounds.

 

I always knew she would do this to me someday though, because I was once that secret guy she was talking to with her ex boyfriend. History tends to repeat it would seem.

Edited March 10, 2014 by StubbornSam
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[Kevin_D]

I know what you're going through... Almost the exact same thing happened to me. My parents had health issues and even though I have a master in engineering, I couldn't find a job. I became insecure and hoped that she would encourage me, but instead she started talking about how she wanted me to be more confident. Then she left me, after 6,5 years, most certainly for another guy.

 

I think this is what happens: After 3-4 years, the relationship becomes more platonic. This girl loves her partner, but she can't help to feel excited when that new exciting guy shows up with a ton of confidence. She starts to compare the new dude with her partner, and wants her partner so become more like the new dude, so that she can stop having these mixed feelings. The partner can sense that his girlfriend isn't happy with him in his current state, which causes him to become even less confident.

 

- The partner thinks that his girlfriend should support him. After all, he supported her when she had a rough time.

 

- The girlfriend thinks that she's given the partner tons of chances to give her what she wants, so now she's going to get it from someone who actually can give it to her.

 

However, let's face it: These women are narcissistic and immature. So, you got depressed when your dad died? Poor her. It must have been really tough for her. She wanted you to strong, happy and independent, but instead you stayed at home and grieved.

 

I can understand that was worried about the finincial situation, but that obviously not the reason she moved out. No, you weren't exciting enough anymore.

 

I supported my girlfriend so much when her mother passed away. When she became happy again, it was like "Thanks for the support, but now I don't need you anymore."

 

Man, I'm getting pissed. And you're completely right about one thing:

 

"You're the one that has to live with what you did to me, I'm guilt free. Take care"

 

Though I'm pretty sure that they will keep blaming others for their misery. It's in their nature.

[StubbornSam]

So right my friend, it's like she's a whole different person now. As if she reverted back to being a teenager. Completely over night. Very immature.

 

She said she couldn't fake being happy anymore, but if she loved me more than she cared about the shiny new guy, she would have fought for the relationship.

 

The rough part here is not having any closure. Since she never really told me the truth about why she left. My friends tell me I just have to deal with it like a man. I'am doing my best, but time is not moving fast enough.

 

I'm so very tempted to text her and ask her why she lied, but I know that will only do me more damage. I'am a strong person, but I let my depression get the better of me.

 

I feel like she doesn't know what it's like to go through losing family, I've lost a lot already. When that day comes for her, maybe she'll think of me again, and know what I was going through.

[melell]

Though I'm pretty sure that they will keep blaming others for their misery. It's in their nature.

 

This.

 

It is pointless thinking about how someone wronged you, or what happened, or what they are thinking.

Your conception of what happen will be totally different for theirs- no one ever wins.

 

Over time you will let this go, try your best not to rehash everything too often, it is best to give it as little thought as possible imo.

[StubbornSam]

I know, it's a long process. It's an internal battle of brain vs heart right now. Brain says, screw that girl, she left you for another guy (a downgrade if you were to compare us superficially) and lied about it.

 

My heart says, damn, we both weren't perfect, but use to have such a strong spiritual connection. I would give anything to go back and fix it if I could. There's no way in hell this punk can replace me and what we had.

 

Side note: I was only her second guy she slept with, she was like my 25th partner. A big differential and I can't help but think she wanted to experiment like Kevin mentioned.

[StubbornSam]

Also would like to thank anyone that helps me right now, because I know The Walking Dead and True Detective are on.

[flitzanu]

We met when we were both 21, lived together for 6.5 years. I've been unemployed for 2 years, I tend to get depressed now and then, and about a year ago my father died, and the next month my grandpa passed away too.

 

She was always very supportive, both emotionally and financially. Yet as time went on throughout the year, she was getting more and more distant and upset that I still wasn't working. I never tried hard enough, I kind of think I subconsciously wanted to sabotage the relationship for some ****ed up reason.

 

Skip to December 2013 and she starts telling me she's going to move out if I don't get a job asap. Anyways, I lied and told her I got a job a couple weeks later that month, and then she tells me that she's happy for me, but she's going to move out anyways. Tells me that she wants me to become the "strong independent great man I was meant to be."

 

She moved out on January 7th, took her 3 trips to get all of her stuff out, the 2nd time on Jan 17th she came to get stuff, she came over and brought food, we talked about things, I tried to sleep with her, but we only ended up kissing and holding each other. We said we'd always love each other but she needed space and time, she was still angry with me.

 

The 3rd and final time she came to get the last of her stuff, I couldn't deal with seeing her again, so I left while she came over. That was Jan 25th.

 

Now, I did end up going crazy and sending some pretty nasty text messages after that time, then I would send apology text a few days later. I started talking to this girl on twitter, we hit it off, but of course she lives in the UK. So late January I told my ex about this new girl I was talking to, she of course flips out and then saying bad things about me. Never apologized back to me.

 

Here's where it gets good.

 

Now, let's skip ahead a month to February 22nd. I was feeling particularly sad that day, and decided to look at her facebook for the first time in awhile. Turns out she's been "in a relationship" with somebody since JANUARY 21st.

They have pictures of them face to face smiling that were taken only 6 DAYS after she moved out.

 

So, from what I gather her whole plan was to dump me to be with this guy, yet all the times I asked her if it was another guy she lied over and over. I knew that it was, and sadly I was right. So I called and texted her that day I found out. Told her she was indeed a bad person and bla bla bla, idk how you could do that me, and so forth. The last thing I said to her was, "You're the one that has to live with what you did to me, I'm guilt free. Take care"

 

Since then it's been NC from both sides. I know what everyone says, but I still think about her constantly, she's in my dreams EVERY single night. I have a highly overactive imagination, which is not good in this situation. The part that hurts worst is knowing that she's off being happy with this rebound, and I'm suffering constantly with this pain and depression.

 

Any advice would be highly appreciated, thanks for reading.

 

Also would like to add that since I was broke, I was unable to pay rent or buy food. I also have two cats that are older, we treated them like our children.

 

I miss her dearly and don't know if I should try to let go completely or see if she crashes and burns. I promised myself I wouldn't take her back, but I truly feel like she's the love of my life, as stupid as that sounds.

 

I always knew she would do this to me someday though, because I was once that secret guy she was talking to with her ex boyfriend. History tends to repeat it would seem.

 

exactly what advice are you looking for? she left you for another guy, told you she was moving out, and she did. the best advice is to cut her out of your life, stop stalking her facebook, don't contact her or speak to her again. nothing you do or say is going to bring her back, and then, why would you want her back after this?

[StubbornSam]

exactly what advice are you looking for? she left you for another guy, told you she was moving out, and she did. the best advice is to cut her out of your life, stop stalking her facebook, don't contact her or speak to her again. nothing you do or say is going to bring her back, and then, why would you want her back after this?

 

Because I'm a human being with feelings? I almost want to appreciate your bluntness, but you speak as someone who hasn't been left for another man.

 

Part of me wants her to crash and come crawling back, even though I know she couldn't be trusted again. Another part of me wants to move and never hear from her again. Confusion is the devil here my friend. It's always easier to say than to do.

[Kevin_D]

Side note: I was only her second guy she slept with, she was like my 25th partner. A big differential and I can't help but think she wanted to experiment like Kevin mentioned.

 

My girlfriend was a virgin when we met, while I had slept with others. Inexperienced girl gets cold feet in LTR and out of the blue makes a 180 and runs away with some random douchebag and starts acting like a teenager. It's almost scary how well these stories fit GIGS.

[StubbornSam]

Yeah, I'm reading that GIGS thread right now, and it's all making so much sense.

This new guy looks like a total punk ass, he must have charmed her up good, while she was upset with me, thinking he was the answer to all her problems.

 

Only time will tell, but for now I just have to try my best to move on. It sucks/feels better to know that I'm not alone in this struggle though.

 

It's too bad that this happens, because when and if she comes back, I won't want her anymore most likely due to not being able to trust her, and had she been an adult, we could have worked on things and never have lost each other. Sad indeed.

[Kevin_D]

Yeah, I'm struggling as well. One moment, I hate her and wish that her entire life will turn to ****. The next moment I tell my self that she's just confused and almost feel like the parent of a teenage daughter.

 

Sometimes, I kind of understand her. I experienced a couple of bad relationships before I met her. I know how rare it is to have that special connection. But how could she know? She's got nothing to compare with. All her Facebook friends seem so happy. They're out travelling and doing all sorts of romantic stuff together. Her boyfriend is just complaining about how hard it is to find a job.

 

Is this it? All her friends are happy, but she has to put up with this cry-baby, even though she has plenty of options - Guys with confidence, guys who make her feel attractive again. But her partner has been a cry-baby for two years. What if he never changes? Is this how her life is going to be? Paying the bills and taking care of a cry-baby, while her friends are out experiencing the world?

 

Sometimes I wonder... If my ex had become really, really fat... let's say she weighted 250 lbs. I asked her to start exercising for two years, but she just got angry at me. Then this super model walked up to me and said "I'm crazy about you!". Even I decided to stay with my partner, I would surely be tempted. I might even hold some kind of a grudge against her. I turned down a super model, but all she does is to eat junk food in front of the television? I deserve better than this!

 

So, I guess it isn't black or white. But the big issue is the lack of communication. How they act like everything is fine just to keep you as a safety net.

[StubbornSam]

Yeah, I feel you man. What makes it hard right now is that it's my ex's birthday in one hour. A Pisces so she likes to live in her own fantasy land, we got along so well because I'm an imaginative person, who could take her places creatively and spiritually. Thinking about another guy now screwing her and possibly providing that hurts like hell.

 

I do agree with you though, she couldn't help but lost interest when I wasn't doing **** with my life, just making excuses. Meanwhile some twat is talking to her on the down low. I still consider what she did cheating, or emotional cheating. She was talking to this guy obviously since they hooked up right after she left me. That's ****ed up, and for that, I can never forget. I can probably forgive her someday since I was being a loser, but never can I forget that she did me so dirty like that.

 

I had times when I was tempted to leave her and cheat, but I never acted on those impulses. She used to be so protective and jealous, so it's so wonderful that she ended up being that person she was afraid I was, when I never was that person.

[Kevin_D]

Yep, same here. She was constantly worried that I would leave her. She freaked out when I had to go on a business trip.

 

About a year ago she started talking to this annoying dude on Facebook. I asked her several times who that jerk was, and she always responded:

 

"Haha! Are you jealous of HIM? Oh, please, come on!"

 

And when I kept asking, she became angry and accused me of being a control freak. I felt really bad about it. But I was right all along. I feel like such a fool.

 

I asked her again even after she broke up, but she kept lying. So yes, I consider that emotional cheating as well.

 

The hardest part is to realise that the one you trusted, could actually do something like this and keep a straight face.

[paperwings]

Exact same thing just happened to me. GF of 8 years ran away. My thread is on the front page. I'm with you on this. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to experience. The ups and downs each day are extreme. A lot of what you said matches my situation exactly: She too reverted back to her teenage behavior, ran off with some punk, and is really no longer the girl I knew. I have been dealing with the grief of my sick father and loss of my best friend last September, and so I know I have not been perfect. But to blindside me like this when I'm already suffering... f'king hurts man. Never would've expected her to do it. Anyone but her. I hope we all make it out of this better than we entered.

[StubbornSam]

@ kevin and paperwings, I know I came here looking for advice, but trust me guys we will be OKAY. I have the extreme up and downs too, sometimes I just start crying almost out of nowhere. Other times I almost feel free in a strange way.

 

It is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, more so than my father's death. That's how much I loved this girl. I think the best thing for all of us is to just focus on ourselves, self improve, and DO NOT contact them by any means.

That just reopens the wound. Frankly, it is so easy to fake emotions on the internet anyways, they just want us to think they're so happy (everyone really) but in reality we don't know what's going on.

 

I will always love my ex, but that doesn't mean I can't move on from her. I think it's important to not be too bitter. We're all human, and guys like us deserve better than that.

 

We will find someone better. Someone, someday who will appreciate us. Maybe not forever, but that's life I guess. Just can't make the same mistakes again. Because those girls who jump straight until another relationship definitely will, and they will pay for it eventually.

[StubbornSam]

Exact same thing just happened to me. GF of 8 years ran away. My thread is on the front page. I'm with you on this. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to experience. The ups and downs each day are extreme. A lot of what you said matches my situation exactly: She too reverted back to her teenage behavior, ran off with some punk, and is really no longer the girl I knew. I have been dealing with the grief of my sick father and loss of my best friend last September, and so I know I have not been perfect. But to blindside me like this when I'm already suffering... f'king hurts man. Never would've expected her to do it. Anyone but her. I hope we all make it out of this better than we entered.

 

I actually read your post and several pages of responses a couple hours ago, I feel for you man. My ex doesn't even contact me though, for better or worse. Hang in there.

[Kevin_D]

Frankly, it is so easy to fake emotions on the internet anyways, they just want us to think they're so happy (everyone really) but in reality we don't know what's going on.

 

You're right. I know that her father and surely several of her friends thought that she made a stupid decision. So she has to prove to them (and herself) that she's in fact much happier now, because otherwise they would have been right.

 

I remember a lot of **** she wrote on Facebook when we were together. For example, I was going over to a friend's house to watch a soccer game and she wanted to come along. The thing is, she hates sports and seemed to be quite bored the entire evening. But yet, a few hours later, all her friends could read about how she was drinking whiskey, routing for our favourite team and having a blast with us.

 

I guess it's the same now.

[Chi townD]

Dude, time to put her in your rearview mirror and move on. Time to get your sh*t together and get a job. ANY job. Don't hold out for the right one. Take one that comes your way. Get money coming back in and get back up on your feet.

 

 

Then, when the money starts coming in, start saving up and go visit that girl in the UK! Girls in the UK are fun and you both will have a blast having her show you the sights.

 

 

Give yourself something to look forward to! That will stop you from looking back!

 

 

(Damn, that's a good one! I'm gonna have to remember that!)

[central]

Your extended unemployment and unhandled depression made you look like a bad relationship prospect. You looked weak, didn't try very hard to fix your situation, and so appeared genetically undesirable. You weren't married, so she was free to find someone who fit the criteria of a good mate.

 

I suggest you work on you, get your life and career together, and seek help for the depression. Learn from this so you don't repeat this in your next relationship - and work on moving on, because she has.

[StubbornSam]

Dude, time to put her in your rearview mirror and move on. Time to get your sh*t together and get a job. ANY job. Don't hold out for the right one. Take one that comes your way. Get money coming back in and get back up on your feet.

 

 

Then, when the money starts coming in, start saving up and go visit that girl in the UK! Girls in the UK are fun and you both will have a blast having her show you the sights.

 

 

Give yourself something to look forward to! That will stop you from looking back!

 

 

(Damn, that's a good one! I'm gonna have to remember that!)

 

Hah, not a bad idea, I'm from Chicago too, taking a vacation overseas would be nice. I'm on track getting my sh*t together, got a new apartment I'm moving into and hopefully getting a new job this week. Thanks for the positive feedback.

[StubbornSam]

Your extended unemployment and unhandled depression made you look like a bad relationship prospect. You looked weak, didn't try very hard to fix your situation, and so appeared genetically undesirable. You weren't married, so she was free to find someone who fit the criteria of a good mate.

 

I suggest you work on you, get your life and career together, and seek help for the depression. Learn from this so you don't repeat this in your next relationship - and work on moving on, because she has.

 

Rough but fair. I know what my issues were. She was no angel either, it was weak of her to throw away our love just because of GIGS. No matter, I'm in the process of getting my life back together. It's going to be a tough year to overcome, but I'm confident in time I'll be back to normal.

[central]

It's going to be a tough year to overcome, but I'm confident in time I'll be back to normal.

 

Good for you! You've learned some hard lessons, and I'm sure you will build something even better.

[StubbornSam]

It's at the cost of what was once a beautiful relationship, that I will someday prosper and be stronger than before. A true double edged sword.

 

In the long run I'm benefiting from this more than she is, it's just in the right now, she's got it easy being the dumper. Everything will start to even out, and eventually I'll be on the rise and she'll be sinking.

 

Not that I want bad things to happen to her, but that's just how the world works. I won't be around to save her inevitable downfall. The honeymoon phase won't last forever, and things go in cycles.

 

The song "Your Time is Gonna Come" by Led Zeppelin surmises it pretty well.

[Chi townD]

Hah, not a bad idea, I'm from Chicago too, taking a vacation overseas would be nice. I'm on track getting my sh*t together, got a new apartment I'm moving into and hopefully getting a new job this week. Thanks for the positive feedback.

 

 

HEY! Go Bears!!

 

 

Yeah, the best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life. And we can continue to use the Bears reference.

 

 

Anytime the Bears gets a new draft and is expected to do great things, he usually ends up sucking. Then, he gets traded to a different team. What happens when he gets to that new team? He ends up doing awesome things and ends up in the Pro Bowl. And we're left saying, "Why couldn't you do that sh*t when you were with us!" Well, dude....you got traded. Time to get you in the Pro Bowl!

 

 

Get a job, any job. Start putting money on the side. Continue to talk to the girl in the UK. After some time. Tell her that you would love to come to London and see the sights and it would be awesome to have your own personal guide to show you around. Then, make a plan.

 

 

For S&G I looked up flights and hotels. If you left in Late August, you can get a round trip flight from O'Hare to London and 6 nights and 7 days at the Best Western Burns in Kensington for $2149. Which is a damn good deal. Hotel is located 1/2 South of Hyde Park. One mile away from Buckingham Palace and 2 miles away from Westminster Abby. So, GREAT location. Then you would just need to save for your food and spending money. I would suggest $1000. Sound like a lot but people are spending $600 dollars on Play Station 4's and that's more than half your money. So, it's not as intimidating as you think.

 

 

So, if your Ex ever got wind of what you're doing. She could see that you do have a job, an apartment and you've been traveling around the world. She would see that you have a full life and made it to the Pro Bowl.

[StubbornSam]

HEY! Go Bears!!

 

 

Yeah, the best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life. And we can continue to use the Bears reference.

 

 

Anytime the Bears gets a new draft and is expected to do great things, he usually ends up sucking. Then, he gets traded to a different team. What happens when he gets to that new team? He ends up doing awesome things and ends up in the Pro Bowl. And we're left saying, "Why couldn't you do that sh*t when you were with us!" Well, dude....you got traded. Time to get you in the Pro Bowl!

 

 

Get a job, any job. Start putting money on the side. Continue to talk to the girl in the UK. After some time. Tell her that you would love to come to London and see the sights and it would be awesome to have your own personal guide to show you around. Then, make a plan.

 

 

For S&G I looked up flights and hotels. If you left in Late August, you can get a round trip flight from O'Hare to London and 6 nights and 7 days at the Best Western Burns in Kensington for $2149. Which is a damn good deal. Hotel is located 1/2 South of Hyde Park. One mile away from Buckingham Palace and 2 miles away from Westminster Abby. So, GREAT location. Then you would just need to save for your food and spending money. I would suggest $1000. Sound like a lot but people are spending $600 dollars on Play Station 4's and that's more than half your money. So, it's not as intimidating as you think.

 

 

So, if your Ex ever got wind of what you're doing. She could see that you do have a job, an apartment and you've been traveling around the world. She would see that you have a full life and made it to the Pro Bowl.

 

That's great advice sir. You really broke that down with the UK trip lol, I take if you've been in my shoes before. Even if it doesn't work out with this UK girl, I still want to travel, and you're right, that's the best way to get revenge. Simply by living my life the fullest and not looking back on past failures. I will be stronger and wiser once I'm fully healed. Oh yeah, Bear Down!