29F dating a 41M - What's wrong with this picture?!

[ChessPieceFace]

Every guy I met who was over 35 and never been married or in a serious LTR had problems. Control freaks, inability to commit, momma's boys. They're single at that age for a good reason.

 

Good for you for following your gut instinct.

 

As opposed to 35 yo women who haven't? Please. With women it's far worse due to their biological clock. If a 35yo woman has never been in an LTR you may as well call up the humane society and place an order for the CCL starter pack.

 

Men don't have much of a biological clock to worry about, and are often focused on things like, I dunno... career? Earning the money they need to please impossible, demanding western women? Not to mention distracted by all the things the modern age has to offer, and offer without the negatives women tack on to what few things left they do offer.

 

You left something off your list - men who are too smart to wreck their lives by getting involved with western women in the first place.

[MidwestUSA]

As opposed to 35 yo women who haven't? Please. With women it's far worse due to their biological clock. If a 35yo woman has never been in an LTR you may as well call up the humane society and place an order for the CCL starter pack.

 

Men don't have much of a biological clock to worry about, and are often focused on things like, I dunno... career? Earning the money they need to please impossible, demanding western women? Not to mention distracted by all the things the modern age has to offer, and offer without the negatives women tack on to what few things left they do offer.

 

You left something off your list - men who are too smart to wreck their lives by getting involved with western women in the first place.

 

I categorized the men in MY life experience, who total maybe five. Those are the three categories they fell into. It wasn't a list intended to include you, or every possible reason a guy could still be alone. Good for you for not 'ruining' your life.

 

 

I did forget the one OCD guy, now that I think about it.

[stillafool]

 

What is wrong with men at 40s, that they are unmarried, no kids and never been

engaged?

 

Absolutely nothing. They obviously don't want to be engaged, married or have kids. It's a choice.

 

 

I'm 29 year old woman for whom is easy to attract men. I'm fit, blonde, and low

maintenance.

 

People may wonder what is wrong with a fit, blonde 29 year old woman who is not married with kids as well. They may also wonder why she isn't with a guy 33 - 35 year old guy instead of a 40 year old.

[deathandtaxes]

Guy sounds like a player and obviously didn't want the long-term commitment you were seeking. The fact that he was so secretive about past relationships is a huge flag. Was he secretive in divulging information on his own or did he just not answer questions about his dating/relationship history?

[clia]

I don't believe that his not being married before is necessarily a red flag. It could be, but he could also have valid reasons for not getting married. For example, maybe he hadn't met anyone who he wanted to marry, or maybe he was busy with his career, or maybe when he was younger he thought he wasn't interested in marriage, but as he's gotten older he's changed his mind. I don't think it's smart to focus on just that one thing.

 

I'm really not even seeing red flags based on what you posted, to be honest.

 

I'm very skeptical about this guy. We have been together for 5 months. I'm a gal looking to get married, have the 2.5 with a white picket fence deal. One day he says that's what he wants, another he makes comments as if that he doesn't.

 

What kind of comments?

 

After 2 months of dating, he told me he loves me - so I came back with "this is just lust for you", as he came back with "I'm 40 so I know what love is" ....so I shut up, and left it at that.

 

You gave a pretty rude response to him when he told you he loved you. I wouldn't be surprised if he felt hurt by it. A two month "I love you" isn't particularly fast or slow. That in and of itself doesn't give me the impression that he doesn't mean it.

 

Then a few weeks after, in the middle of the night, he goes " I'm going to marry you one day". To which, I didn't believe one ounce, but didn't reply anything, so I brought it up the following morning and he told me, "Can't believe I told you that.."

 

I don't see a red flag here. He got vulnerable around you, you didn't respond, and he probably felt very embarrassed. That's why he said "Can't believe I told you that..."

 

Now at 5 months, I'm not sure if this guy is basically telling me what I want to hear, or..?

 

Five months would be a pretty long con.

 

I dug a little, and he had *many* women in the past 2 years to my surprise with his busy life(maybe that's one reason why he's so secretive). One of the steady ones wanted to get married, so he broke up with her with the excuse she was fake and only wanted to get married due to a ticking biological-clock. Another went back to her ex (wow she was very HOT- a 10 point 0 hot..made me a bit insecure). The remaining, well basically he was just sleeping with. He keeps his past relationships very mum, and never asks about mine.

 

How did you find out this information about his exes? From him? The details of past relationships become less important to a lot of people when they get older. My fiance is in his forties and has never asked about mine in any great detail. I haven't asked much about his either. It's the past. I really don't care. Neither does he. Your guy doesn't have to share every detail about it...and it may be a sign of his maturity that he isn't questioning you.

 

He corrects me sometimes when I say "mine", with "ours".

 

Why is this bad?

 

He took me to his sisters xmas party, where I tried to help- but he blatantly replied "next xmas you can help out as much as you want" ....WHAT??-It only made me feel, as she knows his relationships don't last long, and I wont make it even a year.

 

I don't understand your problem with this. He brought you to spend the holidays with his family and insinuated that you would be there next year. Why is that bad?

 

Well, he's become short tempered lately, making me believe he's just getting tired of me..so I pulled the plug, and told him I'm not happy and want out. He didn't even ask any details, just asked if I'm sure, so which I said, yes.

 

Did you want him to beg you to stay? Again, he's older and likely more mature. He probably figured if you wanted out he was going to let you leave. I don't know...maybe he was short tempered because you were questioning his feelings for you?

 

Do you guys think I'm over reacting, by thinking that there is something wrong with this 40 yr old man that he has not been married?

 

I absolutely think you are overreacting, based on what you posted. If there are more reasons why you were skeptical about him, please share.

 

Are these red flags, or have a become color blind? Is this guy just trying to say the right things to make me comfortable hoping I become oblivious one day and he'll be able to do whatever he wants behind my back?

 

Again, five months together, he's told you he loves you, introduced you to his family, told you he wants to marry you...what am I missing? Has he introduced you to his friends and coworkers? Does he take you out on dates? Is he kind and considerate toward you?

[Haydn]

31 is about right for me.

 

 

I dated an older woman when i was 20. She was 40 Torrid lingers in the memory and a woman having for pay for everything. (I nearly didn`t escape. (Shudder)

[Phantom888]

The age difference and marital status do not necessarily make him a bad choice. But examine the reasons why some reasonably decent (looking) men never married by the time they are 40. They haven't really grown up yet. They don't want responsibilities of a family. They think they can get someone "hotter". They see the idea of family and marriage as something negative. They get tired/bored of the same woman easily. They have an unrealistic sense of themselves. If you want such a man in your future, it's not gonna happen. If you just want to date him for now, enjoy!

[StanMusial]

I think there would also be concern with the other extreme... someone with multiple divorces. I went out with a girl once who had been divorced thrice already and I admit this fact bothered me.

[travelbug1996]

In ten year's you'll be 40 and its not unusual to not find someone in that amount of time. It may or may not say something about you if you find yourself in that situation. Stop judging. I think this guy was trying to charm you but you dated for 5 mos. You probably wasted a lot of time and knew up front that he wasn't the one.

 

Focus on a man's actions and not his words.

 

A lot of women attract men easily. That's no guarantee that you'll meet the one in time to have children and get married.

[organizedchaos]

I think there would also be concern with the other extreme... someone with multiple divorces. I went out with a girl once who had been divorced thrice already and I admit this fact bothered me.

 

I dated a woman who told me she walked away from two engagements. Needless to say, I lost interest in pursuing the relationship any further.

[robbysurfs]

Honestly Five months really is not a long time in the scope of things. Its unfortunate we live in a world of instant gratitude between the internet and fast food. If you left because you felt he would not commit then good for you, but I would not go around condemning every guy over 35. There are a lot of good guys that just have had busy lives and did not meet the right women and I happen to be one of them. It has been my experience most women in the age gap from 28 to 35 dont know what they want and are very impulsive and immature. Some do marry and end up divorced by the age of 40 because at this point they want a younger guy. It is a sticky topic but I do believe there is someone out there for everyone.

[ktya]

What is wrong with men at 40s, that they are unmarried, no kids and never been engaged?

 

... I'm a gal looking to get married, have the 2.5 with a white picket fence deal. One day he says that's what he wants, another he makes comments as if that he doesn't. After 2 months of dating, he told me he loves me - so I came back with "this is just lust for you", as he came back with "I'm 40 so I know what love is" ....so I shut up, and left it at that. Then... he goes " I'm going to marry you one day". To which, I didn't believe one ounce...

 

I dug a little, and he had *many* women in the past 2 years ... He keeps his past relationships very mum, and never asks about mine. ...

 

Well, he's become short tempered lately, making me believe he's just getting tired of me..so I pulled the plug...

 

Do you guys think I'm over reacting, by thinking that there is something wrong with this 40 yr old man that he has not been married?

 

Im 37, male, been engaged once, no kids and never married.

 

A few things I notice from your post here.

 

1. You insinuate that there must be something wrong with a guy who is 40 without kids and never married.

 

Some guys are commitment phobes, sure.

 

Some guys just haven't met the right girl yet. Marriage can be a very bad deal for men, and men in their 40s know this full well. They've heard of that 60% of divorces are initiated by women, and that primary child custody is granted to women 92% of the time, meaning that 92% of men who lose primary custody are paying child support often to a woman who restricts access to the man's children and he ends up paying to support the lifestyle of the woman and her new boyfriend/husband. Toss in alimony, any debt that a woman may bring into the marriage and what you're looking at is a man who is experienced enough to know what he could be signing on the dotted line for; as he's likely had friends, brothers, and co-workers put through the ringer.

 

I'm in the latter category. My ex? 32, with a hundred grand in debt, watching her biological clock ticking wanting to get the ring and two more kids (she had a kid from a previous relationship). The house was a gong show, I had to teach her kid how to read, and I wasn't going down that route until I could see that she could look after her own daughter and get some form of reasonably gainful employment. She walked, and felt that I strung her along and wasted precious years of her fertility. I'm glad she did because I waited 3 years for her to come around and she didn't.

 

But I digress just filling you in on the other side of the coin.

 

2. You are questioning everything that he is saying when he is moving towards where you want to go.

 

You mention that he says he will marry you and then backs off. He says he loves you and you tell him he doesn't really. Nobody wants to have to justify every word that they utter to a partner, it would become taxing and annoying.

 

Sometimes we say stupid things that we shouldn't even say. I have talked to girls that I was dating about marrying them one day; way premature but they and I just sloughed it off and didn't focus on it. It was something in the heat of the moment. Ive been having sex with a girl without protection and her not on the pill and had her beg me to blow it off inside her because she wants to have my children. Later she couldn't believe she said that and was kind of embarrassed and glad that I didn't happily oblige.

 

3. You grill him on his past relationships like it's your business

 

Theres only one piece of information that he *might* want to volunteer to you about his former relationships - that is whether he is paying alimony or child support. Given that he is never married that's likely not happening. Anything else he's offered you is gravy.

 

While I've asked casually about some of the girls I'm seeing's relationship history, it is usually because the girl has volunteered it herself. Last thing I need to know is that her ex boyfriend was a sex machine or that she used to have a fat bald guy fetish. The past is the past and it's better left that way.

 

==

 

In conclusion, not to be offensive, but if I were he and with you and you were wanting to drive the relationship towards marriage I would have serious reservations too. I can see why he just asked if you were sure that you wanted to end things and left it. You came across as more trouble than you were worth.

 

I'm sure your hot, and for a 40-ish guy a 29 year old is awesome, which is probably why he put up with your grilling and standoffish nature.

 

While I'm not quite 40 I'm not sure if I'm ever going to get married and have kids now. If I met a woman who was truly awesome I would seriously consider it, but I wouldn't be jumping onto that bandwagon like I might have 10 years ago.

 

After living with girlfriends trying to take that track for the past 17 years I (like he) know full well just how that perfect lovey dovey relationship can transform into living with some woman who treats you like the wives in television sitcoms treats her husband and all you want is to escape your own house.

[RedRobin]

I think you have some misconceptions about men, OP.

 

 

Their age has nothing to do with their ability or desire to commit. Nor are they more faithful just because you are younger.

 

 

Lots of guys in their 40's and older are happy to make believe with the someday talk though, so they can reel in much younger women like yourself... In the meantime, you are passing up men your own age who would probably be a better partner in the long run due to your personal stereotypes.

 

 

You'll have to do a better job at the front end making sure they are who they say they are and want what they say they want.

[Michael91]

Marriage can be a very bad deal for men, and men in their 40s know this full well. They've heard of that 60% of divorces are initiated by women, and that primary child custody is granted to women 92% of the time, meaning that 92% of men who lose primary custody are paying child support often to a woman who restricts access to the man's children and he ends up paying to support the lifestyle of the woman and her new boyfriend/husband. Toss in alimony, any debt that a woman may bring into the marriage and what you're looking at is a man who is experienced enough to know what he could be signing on the dotted line for; as he's likely had friends, brothers, and co-workers put through the ringer.

That is very true and likely the reason he hasn't been willing to get married. However, certainly he wants sex and you have given him sex for 5 months. Therefore, he has done well even if you decide to move on.

 

In my opinion he never intended to marry you but it is only natural that he would lie about it since women reward men with sex for lying and punishing them by denying sex if they tell the truth. For example, if a man it truthful and says, You are plenty good enough for sex but you don't meet my standards for marriage, the woman will punish his truthfulness by denying sex.

 

Regardless, it is easy to find a man that will marry you within a couple of weeks provided you lower your standard so that he feels he is doing extremely well. However, if you feel you are doing well, which apparently is what you want, then as likely as not the man will be obligated to lie.

[D.Mc.]

As opposed to 35 yo women who haven't? Please. With women it's far worse due to their biological clock. If a 35yo woman has never been in an LTR you may as well call up the humane society and place an order for the CCL starter pack.

 

Men don't have much of a biological clock to worry about, and are often focused on things like, I dunno... career? Earning the money they need to please impossible, demanding western women? Not to mention distracted by all the things the modern age has to offer, and offer without the negatives women tack on to what few things left they do offer.

 

You left something off your list - men who are too smart to wreck their lives by getting involved with western women in the first place.

 

Hi,Chess... I have to ask, if you're not already married or going w/an arranged marriage, will you be purchasing a bride from the Philippines or a South American country via those agencies that specialize in selling, I mean introducing "Non-Western" women to U.S./Western men? (I'd include the Ukraine in the mix since it was a hot spot for blonde/blue eyed girls, but now the supply's cut off indefinitely). "Western" has nothing to do w/dating, unless your culture doesn't allow dating at all (see the AMISH/FLDS etc- all that are groups found in the U.S. = Western).

 

Sorry for off topic, the Western just struck me as...oh well.

[Charlie Harper]

There is nothing wrong on having relationships that have expiration date. You like someone and have a relationship that lasts months to a year maybe a little bit more and since the project of life, occupation or simply geographical location may be different or incompatible the relationship dies.

 

Not everyone you meet will be your long time or lifelong partner/lover/husband etc.

 

One thing is sure in this case, this is one of those over 35 year old men that are still a Teen, haven't matured enough to put everything forward and be open and honest. I makes wonder when you are in a relationship were there is honesty and you now where you stand and there is no hidden agenda or lies and deceit ....these will hurt you and hurt somebody in the long run.

 

My advise is to let him know that he is being immature, he need to grow up and talk about his priorities, i can assure you he will go ballistic, and feel attacked instead of talking you about his desires, fears and the true intent of the relationship.

There are a lot of people like that insecure enough to be secretive, mysterious and try to "sell" you a person who doesn't not exist, the true self appears much later of when the house of cards is going to fall down, they bail. LS is filled with that experiences.

 

Honesty and integrity are 2 things that are REQUIRED for a good relationship.

 

Good luck, with your 40+ teen ager.

[edgygirl]

I haven't read all answers but why exactly would he be a weirdo for not having married at age 41???

 

Are you in the Midwest or some small city? I know people in smaller cities marry early but even as a woman I would have never marry before at least age 30.

 

In NY I hardly know people married under 35, or even at 40. Most people I know around that age are single. I remember thinking, at 29, how old 40+ sounds. But it's just around the corner, you'll see.

 

I agree with a former poster - you overreacted to practically every sweet thing this guy said to you. Sounds to me like low self-esteem. You don't believe someone can love you after 2 months? Why?