sunoco Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 (edited) I KNOW this is long...........but please take a moment What is wrong with men at 40s, that they are unmarried, no kids and never been engaged? Here's a bit about "us" to get a feel for the situation: I'm 29 year old woman for whom is easy to attract men. I'm fit, blonde, and low maintenance. I'm very skeptical about this guy. We have been together for 5 months. I'm a gal looking to get married, have the 2.5 with a white picket fence deal. One day he says that's what he wants, another he makes comments as if that he doesn't. After 2 months of dating, he told me he loves me - so I came back with "this is just lust for you", as he came back with "I'm 40 so I know what love is" ....so I shut up, and left it at that. Then a few weeks after, in the middle of the night, he goes " I'm going to marry you one day". To which, I didn't believe one ounce, but didn't reply anything, so I brought it up the following morning and he told me, "Can't believe I told you that.." Now at 5 months, I'm not sure if this guy is basically telling me what I want to hear, or..? I dug a little, and he had *many* women in the past 2 years to my surprise with his busy life(maybe that's one reason why he's so secretive). One of the steady ones wanted to get married, so he broke up with her with the excuse she was fake and only wanted to get married due to a ticking biological-clock. Another went back to her ex (wow she was very HOT- a 10 point 0 hot..made me a bit insecure). The remaining, well basically he was just sleeping with. He keeps his past relationships very mum, and never asks about mine. He corrects me sometimes when I say "mine", with "ours". He took me to his sisters xmas party, where I tried to help- but he blatantly replied "next xmas you can help out as much as you want" ....WHAT??-It only made me feel, as she knows his relationships don't last long, and I wont make it even a year. Well, he's become short tempered lately, making me believe he's just getting tired of me..so I pulled the plug, and told him I'm not happy and want out. He didn't even ask any details, just asked if I'm sure, so which I said, yes. Do you guys think I'm over reacting, by thinking that there is something wrong with this 40 yr old man that he has not been married? Are these red flags, or have a become color blind? Is this guy just trying to say the right things to make me comfortable hoping I become oblivious one day and he'll be able to do whatever he wants behind my back? Idk...sometimes I thought this guy was just infatuated with me and wanted to just conquer??? because (i'm not cocky or conceded just speaking my situation)I'm a popular person in the motor-sport industry, and many men have 'crushes' for me- which made it hard for me since I constantly have to weed people out Cons VS pros on dating in this situation? Thank you Edited March 10, 2014 by sunoco
HappyLove Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Seems like even though you dated him for 5 months everything in your gut was telling you to run and not to trust him. I say you did the right thing by listening to your instincts. You attract guys easily so why stay in a relationship where your not comfortable? 8
Author sunoco Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Easily attract, yes, but 99% of those are not people who are interested in "me", therefore I'm questioning my decision and stances...
OhThatGirl Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 You did the right thing. Been there. Done that. I got a breadcrumb from my ex-40something yesterday and blew it off. What he's doing is future faking and it's pointless. I was in the same situation. Every girl likes to believe she's the one the guy will finally settle down for. May be the case here, but really? Eh. Not gonna happen. He knew what he was doing as it seems he has had many women to practice on. In my case, my ex knew exactly what I wanted and was happy to play along but when I found out that a year into us dating he was still keeping an active OLD profile I moved on. The best part? His OLD profile said what he never could.. He didn't want children. Could have saved me a lot of time if he would have said that from the beginning. Good for you. You caught on sooner than I would have. The effort he put into keeping you says it all. You sure? Lmao... Ah if only I would have known better when I started seeing my ex. Good for you. Ps. Maybe you ending things with a guy just like my ex and me getting a breadcrumb aren't so coincidental. Does he happen to live in San Diego?
MidwestUSA Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Every guy I met who was over 35 and never been married or in a serious LTR had problems. Control freaks, inability to commit, momma's boys. They're single at that age for a good reason. Good for you for following your gut instinct. 1
Woggle Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Maybe he just doesn't want to settle. Isn't that what they say about single women that age? 3
Author sunoco Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Maybe he just doesn't want to settle. Isn't that what they say about single women that age? I think so too....I want to settle personally...but it's becoming harder and harder to find someone willing . Seems divorced men are a better option, they are preapproved, tried, tested and all that jazz Every guy I met who was over 35 and never been married or in a serious LTR had problems. Control freaks, inability to commit, momma's boys. They're single at that age for a good reason. Good for you for following your gut instinct. I sometimes got the feeling he's superficial, and just told me whatever BS so I stay, and you are right most of men 35+ didn't seem to be all that willing to get married. You did the right thing. Been there. Done that. I got a breadcrumb from my ex-40something yesterday and blew it off. Ps. Maybe you ending things with a guy just like my ex and me getting a breadcrumb aren't so coincidental. Does he happen to live in San Diego? Windy city... No breadcrumbs here, he just fell off the face of the earth. He keeps his life under lock and key, I have no idea about him now..and I am not one to seek such answers normally because these usually come with a disappointment(speaking generally, not directed at the ex).
BikerAccnt Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I think so too....I want to settle personally...but it's becoming harder and harder to find someone willing . Seems divorced men are a better option, they are preapproved, tried, tested and all that jazz . Pre-approved and rejected/or left. So, take that as you will. (divorced man speaking)
StanMusial Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 There are plenty of "red flags" here, regardless of his marital history. Guys that were married before could do all those things as well. I wouldn't focus on that one detail so much if I were you. 2
Author sunoco Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 There are plenty of "red flags" here, regardless of his marital history. Guys that were married before could do all those things as well. I wouldn't focus on that one detail so much if I were you. Thanks. I was hoping to try and rationalize this with his age...
Author sunoco Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 29 female....40 male.....daddy issues? Nope, lol. I'm secure, contempt and mature with a happy career. Most men closer my age are not, and I'm not willing to be someones babysitter.
organizedchaos Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 29 female....40 male.....daddy issues? 11 year age difference hardly constitutes daddy issues. 1
Tayken Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 11 year age difference hardly constitutes daddy issues. To you may be not......11yrs age gap, what can they ever have in common? There is more than a decade difference between them
Author sunoco Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 To you may be not......11yrs age gap, what can they ever have in common? There is more than a decade difference between them There were some minimal social differences. One major= He likes to go out, I didn't. Not sure about the mental ones since he was very scarce and selective with words.. "less is more" could have been his mantra, so I could only assume when he spoke it actually ment something hence why I'm wondering if this guy was telling me sweet nothings, or telling the truth. Does a man actually mature and stop playing games by 40s, or it really is not the case
Tayken Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 There were some minimal social differences. One major= He likes to go out, I didn't. Not sure about the mental ones since he was very scarce and selective with words.. "less is more" could have been his mantra, so I could only assume when he spoke it actually ment something hence why I'm wondering if this guy was telling me sweet nothings, or telling the truth. Does a man actually mature and stop playing games by 40s, or it really is not the case Perhaps you were just used to boost his morale i.e. to say to himself that he still has it (whatever that may be). To answer your question....I am in my 40s and never played games at all...I shoot from the hip and call it as I see it (you can tell from my posts on here). I also have never dated anyone younger and don't plan to anytime soo. My ex was 4yrs older than me
organizedchaos Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 To you may be not......11yrs age gap, what can they ever have in common? There is more than a decade difference between them Plenty. My ex was 9 years younger than me. We were together 3 years. I'm now 42 and she's now 33. Had plenty in common. Never had any issues related to age difference. Girl I'm currently dating is 33. 11 years means he's hardly old enough to be her dad. 20 year age difference and then maybe there could be compatibility issues. 1
organizedchaos Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 There were some minimal social differences. One major= He likes to go out, I didn't. Not sure about the mental ones since he was very scarce and selective with words.. "less is more" could have been his mantra, so I could only assume when he spoke it actually ment something hence why I'm wondering if this guy was telling me sweet nothings, or telling the truth. Does a man actually mature and stop playing games by 40s, or it really is not the case I don't play games anymore.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I think you also said that he is secretive. Secretive behaviours cause mistrust and doubt. Together with his spotty relationship history, your instinct was telling you that something isn't right. Just stick to your guns and don't go back to him.
pickflicker Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Maybe he just doesn't want to settle. Isn't that what they say about single women that age? Well said. Just because he's 40 and unmarried dies bit mean there is something wrong with him. There are plenty of unhappily married people out there, given the choice, I'd rather be single (happily, or unhappily!) than trapped in a loveless marriage.
pickflicker Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Plenty. My ex was 9 years younger than me. We were together 3 years. I'm now 42 and she's now 33. Had plenty in common. Never had any issues related to age difference. Girl I'm currently dating is 33. 11 years means he's hardly old enough to be her dad. 20 year age difference and then maybe there could be compatibility issues. Agreed. I dated a bloke 12 years older than me (43) and we had plenty in common. It wasn't meant to be, but it certainly wasn't the age gap that was the problem. I'd rather a guy same age or older - it's younger that doesn't work for me. Children - I need a man! 1
Author sunoco Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 I'd rather a guy same age or older - it's younger that doesn't work for me. Children - I need a man! Yeap.. Haha thats what I said. I just keep going for older and older. Pretty soon I'll be pulling them out of the grave
Woggle Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Older women and younger men want each other and younger women and older men want each other. It seems same age dating is going the way of the dodo. Just kidding.
mysunflower Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I think it's all about timing. It doesn't matter how many great relationships and hot ex-gfs he had in the past. Your guy just reached the time when he was done with bachelor life, and got ready for a family. You just came into his life at the right time.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 You acted based on suspicion. No one here can accurately tell you if it was right or wrong to dump this guy based on the info you had (although many will believe they can, and they will try.) So maybe you were right, and maybe you prevented yourself being played. Or maybe you just wrecked something good. Relationships require the ability to trust. I'd work on yours a bit.
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