Unable to see clearly

[DarkAngel87]

So I never thought I would be doing this, but here it goes. Nobody knows this except for whoever is reading this.

 

I have been having an affair with my boss for the past 2 months. Our attraction to each other is only physical and I do feel some emotional is involved. He is 41 married with 2 kids. I am 26 and in a relationship. He's 15 years older than I am and I knew from the moment he asked me to go on a date that it was the wrong thing to do but something about doing the wrong thing I love doing. The physical and sexual attraction we have for each other is crazy. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, I know that what we are doing is just for pleasures on both parts, but the more time we spend together, feelings start to come into play. He'll get jealous about my SO but he feels he doesn’t deserve me and how much he is starting to fall for me and I'm always reminding him that this is nothing more than just sex. Truth be told, I'm falling for him but I make sure he doesn't know that. After all, he is married and this was just for pleasure. But I'm addicted to him and don't want to let this go but I need too. At the beginning it was very hard for me, I felt very guilty towards my SO. But on the other hand I enjoy every minute spend with my boss. Plus I believe the feelings between us are real and sexual chemistry between us is amazing. The other side is that at home I have a good relationship with my SO and we had a great sex life. I still believe I love my So. I don't want to leave him and I don't want to break with him under any circumstances. My boss also loves his wife and has a great family that he doesn't want to break up his family. I know that I love him to and this gives me pain. I really cannot to stop this. I tried many times so, so, so many times just never works

 

Please I do not need to hear the usual comments or people passing judgment on me and throw their opinions on how much of a home wrecker I am, please refrain. I already feel like a horrible person and hate what I’m doing. I've beaten myself up enough and can you believe that I’ve actually been on the other side of the coin in my past relationships. I never would have thought in a million years that I would cheat on my So, I’ve never cheated on anything in my entire life. Let alone with a married man. However, I am falling for this guy and know need to let him go. I just can’t end it deep down I know that I am not really ready to end our relationship, and that all he has to do is ask and I will be putty in his hands. He told me in the beginning that he was happily married, but can he truly be "happy" if he is cheating? I don’t know what do anymore. I truly don't think anyone has any idea how this can consume even "good people" until it's happened to them. We're addicted to each other, and I’m having such a hard time trying to stop it.

 

I wish I never put myself in this situation know we have to end things It’s just so hard, and I don't want anyone to get hurt although it might too late for that

[Lady2163]

Welcome to the forum. This board can go either way, judgment does happen, but so does understanding and compassion.

 

You are at a crucial point in life. Biologists would say your brain is fully formed now and you should be able to have some control over your actions and know right from wrong. I would be a touch concerned that you are thinking it was/is acceptable to not only cheat on your SO, but also be with a married man.

 

I had a lot of sex with married men from ages 16-23. Then I took a 14 year break and reconnected with someone I knew at age 19 - and have been good FWB for almost 7 years now. What has finally made me get to the ending stage is that I do care about him and I don't want him to lose everything for a romp in the sack with me. He is upper middle class, probably will be close to,being a millionaire when he retires and all that would be gone. His house which was bought new 20 years ago is incredible. He has this amazing relationship with his kids. He is well respected in his community and his church. His company has a morals clause in his contract.

 

All that would be gone if we were to be discovered. Financial security, love of children, a job that he adores and has dedicated himself to. I would essentially destroy and pretty decent man. I don't want that on my karma list.

 

I'm telling you all of this so you get an idea of what MM is risking for you...or for the sex.

 

My suggestion? You aren't going to like this, but I think you need to start looking for another job. Plus, you aren't married. You need to really strongly evaluate if you should stay with your boyfriend. Don't do it if you don't have to. And if you have to, start working on an exit strategy.

 

Don't go down this path if you can avoid it.

[Nattie]

I was in a similar situation, a year and a half ago. Now it's gone way too far and I honestly don't think we'll stop until we get caught. It was physical for many months, and feelings didn't start to come into play until maybe 4-5 months ago. Now it's bad... It's a mess. Sounds like it's already getting serious for you. There are only two things I can tell you with absolute certainty.

1. You will not stop this until you genuinely WANT to. Knowing it's wrong and feeling guilty should be enough, but it isn't.

2. It will not end well. You'll either get caught, or one of you will break up with the other. Heartbreak and drama is inevitable.

Its not an easy situation to be in....I know. I wish you the best of luck!!

[veryhappy]

The smart thing to do is to get another job. You won't be able to stop without distance, and if you do get caught you don't want to be unemplyed as a result, do you?

 

If he thinks he's happily married it makes no difference for you if it's the truth or he's in denial.

[SolG]

A Jeff Goldblum quote from Jurassic Park 2 just popped into my head on reading your post.

 

"Oh yeah. Ooh, ah; that's how it always starts... but then later there's running, then screaming."

 

I'd say run early. Run now. While you still can.

[DarkAngel87]

I was in a similar situation, a year and a half ago. Now it's gone way too far and I honestly don't think we'll stop until we get caught. It was physical for many months, and feelings didn't start to come into play until maybe 4-5 months ago. Now it's bad... It's a mess. Sounds like it's already getting serious for you. There are only two things I can tell you with absolute certainty.

1. You will not stop this until you genuinely WANT to. Knowing it's wrong and feeling guilty should be enough, but it isn't.

2. It will not end well. You'll either get caught, or one of you will break up with the other. Heartbreak and drama is inevitable.

Its not an easy situation to be in....I know. I wish you the best of luck!!

 

I don’t know if I could go a year like this the guilty alone is killing me. This has become a huge mess and I feel I am losing control little by little.

 

I know I should stop but I really don’t want to. Its serious like addiction without him I can’t function

 

In perfect world I wish we could have a happy ending but I don’t see it happening

[DarkAngel87]

Welcome to the forum. This board can go either way, judgment does happen, but so does understanding and compassion.

 

You are at a crucial point in life. Biologists would say your brain is fully formed now and you should be able to have some control over your actions and know right from wrong. I would be a touch concerned that you are thinking it was/is acceptable to not only cheat on your SO, but also be with a married man.

 

I had a lot of sex with married men from ages 16-23. Then I took a 14 year break and reconnected with someone I knew at age 19 - and have been good FWB for almost 7 years now. What has finally made me get to the ending stage is that I do care about him and I don't want him to lose everything for a romp in the sack with me. He is upper middle class, probably will be close to,being a millionaire when he retires and all that would be gone. His house which was bought new 20 years ago is incredible. He has this amazing relationship with his kids. He is well respected in his community and his church. His company has a morals clause in his contract.

 

All that would be gone if we were to be discovered. Financial security, love of children, a job that he adores and has dedicated himself to. I would essentially destroy and pretty decent man. I don't want that on my karma list.

 

I'm telling you all of this so you get an idea of what MM is risking for you...or for the sex.

 

My suggestion? You aren't going to like this, but I think you need to start looking for another job. Plus, you aren't married. You need to really strongly evaluate if you should stay with your boyfriend. Don't do it if you don't have to. And if you have to, start working on an exit strategy.

 

Don't go down this path if you can avoid it.

 

 

My boss does have a lot to loss and I know that. Sometimes I wonder if he even cares because he’s so carefree about the whole affair.

 

I don’t think my boss is to worried about the financial fallout if our partners find out since his wife make a lot more then him. You are right we could both lose our jobs if this ever comes to light. A lot of people to look up to him as his kids do. What we are doing would most definitely destroy everything he has built.

 

My so just isn’t my BF we aren’t legally married his choice but we did have a marriage ceremony. I do consider my SO my husband. I don’t want to leave him, if I ever had to choose I’m most certain pick my SO

[jwi71]

My boss does have a lot to loss and I know that. Sometimes I wonder if he even cares because he’s so carefree about the whole affair.

 

Ar you suggesting that he doesn't care about the fallout? Ok, fair enough.

So what do YOU think if/when your SO finds out? Are you just as caviler?

 

So...if we ignore HIM and FOCUS on you...you are willing to risk your job, your SO and "everything else" hard earned for some sex on the side? How will your parents react? Or you "in-laws"? How about your coworkers - and that is provided IF they don't already know....

 

actually...how many people at work know? Is that the reputation you wish to cull? The girl who climbed the corporate ladder horizontally? And, it doesn't matter if it isn't true - you know how the rumor mill goes.

 

Not soap opera I would wish upon myself.

 

I don’t think my boss is to worried about the financial fallout if our partners find out since his wife make a lot more then him. You are right we could both lose our jobs if this ever comes to light. A lot of people to look up to him as his kids do. What we are doing would most definitely destroy everything he has built.

 

Hubris.

 

...and trust me...he IS worried - or should be. If he isn't you need to RUN - a human with no sense of fear has a death wish - and they typically get it. I wonder how he will feel when his income is reduced to...potentially nothing (he loses his job and his W files for D - leaving him with, well, no income).

 

My so just isn’t my BF we aren’t legally married his choice but we did have a marriage ceremony. I do consider my SO my husband. I don’t want to leave him, if I ever had to choose I’m most certain pick my SO

 

Don;t forget the option of, if/when you get busted...your SO walks.

 

Seems like a lot to risk...for....well, what? A good orgasm or two? What do YOU get out of this that is worth risking all you have named?

[nais]

Use what rational you have left and objectively think about what you want to do- it starts out easy at first... but it gets harder and harder to pull away the more involved you become.

 

 

No matter what you decide, you ultimately chose-

[SolG]

A Jeff Goldblum quote from Jurassic Park 2 just popped into my head on reading your post.

 

"Oh yeah. Ooh, ah; that's how it always starts... but then later there's running, then screaming."

 

I'd say run early. Run now. While you still can.

 

Hi OP. Welcome to LS :-)

 

My initial post in your thread may have sounded TIC... but I was actually deadly serious. I'm 3.5 into an A. If you persist down the path you are on, you're in for a heady... but also very dark ride. Take it from me, and read around on this board, being in an A is painful, isolating, exhausting and ultimately demoralising at times.

 

It is truly life changing. And not just for you, but for everyone around the A. Even those who know nothing about it will be influenced; it shows in the actions of the participants one way or another. And these actions have consequences. For you, MM, BS, the kids, your SO, the friends and family you can't confide it... they will all be impacted whether your A is discovered or not.

 

Whether you like it or not, regardless of any intent not to hurt, you and your MM share culpability for the consequences of your actions.

 

It's a lot to bear. And the question is are you willing to bear it?

 

If not, run early. Run now. While you still can without rupturing your heart.

[blue963]

SolG said it correct. The longer you go on the hard it will be. It will put you mentally/emotionally in places that are so difficult. I know it is easy to say, but end it now because it will not get any easier. We are 5 1/2 years and it is extremely painful to be in the situation because if I end it I am miserable and if I continue it I am miserable. Women take these situations much more different than me. Our emotions get very entangled with the A partner. You don't understand this until you experience it. You can't confide in anyone because of the situation and to make it more complicated you have a husband. It will change your relationship with him forever.

[wanting more]

i think that you're acknowleding that youre starting to have feelings for him yet you know this is not a place you need to be, you should really walk away, find another job.

 

knowing how hard it will be now, will only be 100xs harder if it continues.

i only wish i would've realized 2 months into my A the hurt and pain i was causing, you're ahead of alot of OW here, most of us don't realize until years in what a bad place we've gotten into.

[Realist3]

Sometimes I wonder if he even cares because he’s so carefree about the whole affair.

 

This is not a good sign, and it is the reason most affairs are discovered in the first 3-6 months.

 

You are still in the honeymoon phase of the affair, and the negative aspects have yet to come up... yet. But, be assured they will, and they are no small matter. There is of course the most obvious of getting caught, but there are many many others. I could list off numerous things that will/could happen, but I'm sure it won't matter to you. I know it would not have with me 2 months in because I was in la-la land. Hell, I know all of the ups and downs and I'm still involved 4 years later. Just know that it will not be all rainbows and unicorns, and it will be a ride you may have wished you never went on. What you feel today is nothing like you will feel in a year. Most people can't handle it. These boards are filled with numerous examples.

 

My advice to you would be since you are so early on would be to stop. As hard as that may be. You will save yourself, him, and your families a lot of grief and possible destruction.

 

 

Sure, married couples having affairs(I consider you married) have an easier time of it than when one partner is single. The thing that stands out to me though is your age gap. You are at very different stages of life, which generally creates strife. I'm not saying it can't work, but there is a whole lot of life lived between 26 and 41; some would say the best years of your life. You need to decide whether those 'best years' are best spent including an activity that will cause you great joy, but also great pain... unnecessarily.

[SoleMate]

Like SolG said, read around on this board and see the typical initiation and trajectory. BTW, your affair is textbook on just about every parameter and I believe the ultimate ending will be textbook as well. (Search for "D-day" and "OW" and "thrown under the bus".)

 

Another thought for you....if this A is for "pleasure", then you have not achieved that goal. By your own words, you are "in pain" in a "hard" situation, "beating yourself up", the "guilt alone" is "killing" you, you "feel like a horrible person" and "hate what [you're] doing", it's a "huge mess" and you feel you are "losing control". That's the rational analysis. It's being overrun by a primitive portion of your brain right now, and actually many people here do understand that perfectly.

 

I never call OW homewreckers or abuse them verbally. To the extent any punishment is necessary for OW, it's already built into the situation. (Kind of like a little kid who runs out into the street where he/she will inevitably get hit by a car - after the impact, they don't also need a spanking. :-( ) People suffer from these A's, but be aware that between the 2 participants, you will almost certainly suffer far more than he does. You will most likely lose your job (either by being fired, or more likely, feeling forced to quit when the difficulty and pain become unbearable), there is no realistic hope of a happy longterm r/s with the MM in question (best case is a prolongation of the current painful, guilty mess), and the r/s with your SO is hanging by a thread if not already dead with everything but the funeral already complete.

[whichwayisup]

I have been having an affair with my boss for the past 2 months. Our attraction to each other is only physical and I do feel some emotional is involved. He is 41 married with 2 kids. I am 26 and in a relationship. He's 15 years older than I am and I knew from the moment he asked me to go on a date that it was the wrong thing to do but something about doing the wrong thing I love doing.

 

This is your life and it is what you make it to be. If you really feel bad about what you're doing, you can find it in you and be strong to end it. You've invested a lot on some level but with a time frame of 2 months, that's not a long time when you think about it.

 

The fallout is going to be huge when this affair comes to light. Both of your reputations professionally and personally will suffer more than you know. And of course betraying and hurting your 'husband'/partner. How do you plan explaining yourself to him when he finds out?

 

No good can come of this. Wish you the strength to walk away and heal.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You ask if your MM marriage can truly be happy if he is cheating, the question you should be asking is why you are involved.

 

Why are you betraying your spouse? Why do you feel it is acceptable for you to make decisions for your spouses sexual health and expose him to risks without his consent?

 

An unfair consequence is that as the OW/female WS you WILL be judged much more harshly than your MM.

 

It would be wise to make a decision either way. An affair is not a healthy place to be. Divorce and be together or end the affair. Both are healthier alternatives.

[DarkAngel87]

Ar you suggesting that he doesn't care about the fallout? Ok, fair enough.

So what do YOU think if/when your SO finds out? Are you just as caviler?

 

So...if we ignore HIM and FOCUS on you...you are willing to risk your job, your SO and "everything else" hard earned for some sex on the side? How will your parents react? Or you "in-laws"? How about your coworkers - and that is provided IF they don't already know....

 

actually...how many people at work know? Is that the reputation you wish to cull? The girl who climbed the corporate ladder horizontally? And, it doesn't matter if it isn't true - you know how the rumor mill goes.

 

Not soap opera I would wish upon myself.

 

 

Hubris.

 

...and trust me...he IS worried - or should be. If he isn't you need to RUN - a human with no sense of fear has a death wish - and they typically get it. I wonder how he will feel when his income is reduced to...potentially nothing (he loses his job and his W files for D - leaving him with, well, no income).

 

 

 

Don;t forget the option of, if/when you get busted...your SO walks.

 

Seems like a lot to risk...for....well, what? A good orgasm or two? What do YOU get out of this that is worth risking all you have named?

 

 

its not that he doesn’t care he’s very cocky and doesn’t believe anyone would ever find out about us.

 

if my so found out and knowing how my so is he would stay with me. there is close to zero chance of my so finding out.

 

Its sounds stupid but I don’t see it as sex anymore I did at one point. Its crazy I get a rush whenever I am around him and I need that.

 

my parent are both serial cheaters I have lost count how many times they have cheated on each other they wouldn't care, as for my in-laws we rarely see them they aren’t involved in our lives.

 

I know if any one finds out what it would to my reputation and I am not keen as being known as the office slut .

[DarkAngel87]

I know what is going on with me and the mm is stupid, dangerous and downright wrong.

 

We planned a trip 2 weeks from now I am going to try to ended things after we come back. Just need to get this out of my system I am hoping this trip can do the trick. After trip I am going to try to make a clean break so we both focus on our partners and not each other.

[whichwayisup]

he’s very cocky and doesn’t believe anyone would ever find out about us.

 

Then chances are, he will be shell shocked when DDay happens and he'll throw you under the bus. Most MM do throw their OW's under the bus.

 

Going on that trip is a bad mistake. Don't go. End it and focus on your spouse.

[jwi71]

its not that he doesn’t care he’s very cocky and doesn’t believe anyone would ever find out about us.

 

All APs believe this to some degree...no one EVER thinks they will get caught. That they have all the angles covered and no one is as smart as they - they are too smart, too careful, too good to be be caught by anyone.

 

Just on the surface its typically wrong. But if we discount that....then this confidence leads to hubris which leads to carelessness...which leads to D-day. Seen it WAY too many times.

 

if my so found out and knowing how my so is he would stay with me.

 

You think that little of him(?)?

Not only are you cheating on him...you are taking him for granted as well. IF the affair doesn't get you that attitude towards your SO will. Just my thoughts on it.

 

there is close to zero chance of my so finding out.

 

Never say never...these forums are full of my spouse will never find out"...only to be busted.

 

Its sounds stupid but I don’t see it as sex anymore I did at one point. Its crazy I get a rush whenever I am around him and I need that.

 

I get this. I think most people in an A feel this to some degree.

IS there another healthier way to get this rush? Skydiving or other activity? Maybe engage your SO in sex in public places for the same sexual high?

 

my parent are both serial cheaters I have lost count how many times they have cheated on each other they wouldn't care, as for my in-laws we rarely see them they aren’t involved in our lives.

 

I find this sad.

Maybe you can ask parents for advice on this?

 

I know if any one finds out what it would to my reputation and I am not keen as being known as the office slut .

 

Yeah, no one ever is.

This course, as you know, certainly invites this type of gossip. Office affairs are rarely as hidden as one likes to think. There is always that little "something" that slips and the tongues get to wagging.

 

A's typically aren't good healthy endeavors...but one at the office also poses the risk of jeopardizing your career.

 

Be careful. I hope whatever decision you make is the right for you, your SO, your AP - and his family - for all involved really.

[Lessons]

Kind of like a little kid who runs out into the street where he/she will inevitably get hit by a car - after the impact, they don't also need a spanking.

 

Best analogy EVER!

[DarkAngel87]

Then chances are, he will be shell shocked when DDay happens and he'll throw you under the bus. Most MM do throw their OW's under the bus.

 

Going on that trip is a bad mistake. Don't go. End it and focus on your spouse.

 

I am well aware what could happen when DDay happen, we both have mutual level of respect for each other and I don’t believe he would ever do anything to hurt me, he does care about and want me to be happy.

 

As for the trip, I already talked to my ap about. He agrees to be just a friend once we return.

[DarkAngel87]

You think that little of him(?)?

Not only are you cheating on him...you are taking him for granted as well. IF the affair doesn't get you that attitude towards your SO will. Just my thoughts on it.

 

 

Be careful. I hope whatever decision you make is the right for you, your SO, your AP - and his family - for all involved really.

 

I don’t think little of my So at all. I know he loves me and would do anything for me. I have never once taken him for granted. Actually, it's quite the opposite I believe he has taken me for granted he would not be in position he is in today if it wasn't for me.

[HermioneG]

I am well aware what could happen when DDay happen, we both have mutual level of respect for each other and I don’t believe he would ever do anything to hurt me, he does care about and want me to be happy.

 

As for the trip, I already talked to my ap about. He agrees to be just a friend once we return.

 

As others have suggested, read about DDay and under the bus . In most instances- that respect? Will be gone in a hot second.

 

Look. Making you his other woman isn't a sign of respect of you. It isn't. If he truly cares about you- he would either immediately end his current marriage, or leave you alone.

 

But making you a secret, endangering a career and your primary relationship- that is not respect.

[still_an_Angel]

You should focus on 2 things:

1. your SO

2. MMs kids

 

You already said you will choose SO over MM so do this now. Stop the A before he finds out and it all falls apart between the two of you. Why risk loosing him over 2month affair?

As for MMs kids, how would it sit with your conscience if they loose their respect for their dad because of the A?

A lot of people are bound to get hurt, you chose to be in this situation and its still in your power to stop all this. You should absorb your half of the hurt and spare the innocent ones.

Please walk away now, it will be the right thing to do.