Onesided friendship?

[soul_to_squeeze]

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker, first time poster. Just wanted to get some opinions on something and help decide if I'

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being fair or maybe just overthinking things. I have some rejection issues from the past

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I could just be being oversensitive (but that's a whole other post).

Sorry if it's a little long...

I have a friend who I have known for almost 10 years now, and over the course of that time we have had periods of time where we were close and hanging out/talking quite frequently, and also periods where we didn't see each other as much (seemed to be mostly due to differences in geography after graduating uni... times when we did live in the same town we generally saw each other regularly). I'll admit when I was in my first LTR I neglected things a bit, but at the same time she didn't really keep in touch much at that time either. We have been good friends to each other over the years, helping each other move, get through breakups and other tough times etc. Right now, however, we seem to be seeing each other and talking less and I'

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concerned about our friendship.

We're both 25/F. We currently (for about the past 1.5 years) both work full time jobs and live about a 40 minute drive apart. She is engaged and lives with her fiance, I am single and live alone.

This whole awkwardness basically started around New Years...in the months leading up to it we had talked a couple times about celebrating it together with her fiance and possibly some other friends. We never really set anything in stone and when I texted her a couple weeks before to see if she wanted to go out to a bar, I got no reply. I tried her again a couple days before NYE and again no reply. I thought this was really rude and not how you would treat a "best friend" (her words!). When I finally heard from her a couple weeks later she apologized saying she didn't have money to go out and was embarrassed to keep turning down invitations because of finances. Money has been tight for them lately and I've tried to be understanding, generally we just stay in when we hang out. If I've asked if she wants to go out to a bar I've offered it as "I'll pay and it can be your birthday gift", that kind of thing. She talks to me a lot about her money problems

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it's not a taboo subject. It's also hard for me to keep track of her situation because she does seem to do things that cost money with her fiance (going out to hockey games, dinner etc) but I get the fact that your

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comes first and that's where she wants to spend her money.

I backed off a bit after the new years thing because not only was I kind of put off by her ignoring my texts, but I also felt like if I invited her to do anything I was pressuring her to spend money...and I didn't feel like driving out to her place after being ignored that way. For the record, while we have been living in the places we currently do, I have driven to visit her a good 90% of the time. She has never spent more than an hour at my place despite many invites. I've tried to be understanding with this due to the fact that I have my own car and she has to share one with her fiance who works evening shifts. It's easier for me to get there than for her to get here, and I understand that sometimes friendship involves sacrifice.

Anyways... Over the last couple months we've texted a couple times but never really had a convo of substance and didn't see each other. Then on Friday she texts asking if I was mad at her and why we hadn't really been talking...I'll admit at this point I probably should have said I was feeling like I'

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the only one who makes much effort, and the NYE thing kinda made me question our friendship a little. (Not the fact that she couldn't go out, but the way it was handled...ignoring me) But I don't have a lot of friends in this area (moved here for work a couple years ago) and I didn't want to be petty

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I kept it to myself.

We texted back and forth a bit and she updated me about her life and also asked what my schedule was like and if I wanted to hang out soon. The next week is pretty busy for me

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I suggested next Saturday. She replied back saying she was out of town that night going to visit a friend who lives nearly twice as far away as I do. Then literally in the next text she asked me if I still had a dvd I had borrowed (obviously I did because we haven't seen each other since I borrowed it!). She never asked how I've been or what's new in my life.

At this point I felt myself start to get mad and this is what compelled me to post here and see what others think.

Am I being needy or unfair in thinking that maybe this friendship has become onesided? (ie me always visiting her) Or is it just a fact of life that if you want to sustain a friendship, sometimes one person is going to be giving more and the other taking more?

Does it seem like she only reached out to me with the goal of getting her DVD back? She never directly asked for it back but mentioned she had been watching that show lately. (basically saying she'd like it back soon).

Should I say anything about her going out of her way to visit other friends but never coming to visit me? Or just accept the fact that maybe she doesn't see me as that close of a friend and let the relationship fade?

Thanks in advance...

[preraph]

In my experience, when someone is dragging their feet committing to something it's because they're hoping someone else will ask them instead. It's rude. It's like accepting a prom invitation and then cancelling if the boy you really like asks at the last minute. I wouldn't be too quick to call this person my best friend because you're not that high on her priority list. You may well be the only friend who'll put up with her.

[CC12]

Am I being needy or unfair in thinking that maybe this friendship has become onesided? (ie me always visiting her)

 

It certainly seems like you had put in more effort. But if you'd never told her you had a problem with it, she probably had no idea. Of course you expect better from people, but we can all be self-centered and careless at times. Sometimes we need a friend to tell us when we're screwing up.

 

Does it seem like she only reached out to me with the goal of getting her DVD back?

 

No, I think she reached out to smooth things over with you and try to meet up, but when you were icy and pretended you weren't mad at her (trust me - she knows you're mad at her) she might have thought "Alright, well, eff it, she's not ready to move on from this, I better see if she'll send my DVD back since it looks like this friendship might be over."

 

Should I say anything about her going out of her way to visit other friends but never coming to visit me?

 

I would leave her other friends out of it, but you should tell her about the things that have been bothering you. The way you phrased it here seems good: "I was feeling like I'm the only one who makes much effort, and the NYE thing kinda made me question our friendship a little. (Not the fact that she couldn't go out, but the way it was handled...ignoring me)"

 

I admit, I am cutting her a lot of slack. She hasn't been a very good friend. But who knows how different things might have been if you had been honest and communicated as a friend should.

 

If she had been given a chance to fix things, do you think she would have tried?

[xxmusical]

I have a "best friend" with a very similar case as you. I felt like I was the only one putting effort into the friendship and making arrangements to "hang out." Things I do for her are rarely ever reciprocated (e.g. treating birthday dinners, setting up dates, etc).

 

From your post, it seemed like you were the only one putting her as top priority. But then again, she's engaged so maybe she's been spending most of her time/effort with her fiance, not with you. Though I agree she should have at least replied you about the NYE thing and put in more effort into the friendship if she calls you her "best friend."

 

Sadly, very often friendships are not balanced equally; one would put more effort, the other would pull back.

 

Should I say anything about her going out of her way to visit other friends but never coming to visit me?

 

I actually confronted (though subtly) my friend of doing something for her not-close-friend, but not for me. I also realized that she had downright lied about why she didn't attend my event so obviously my feelings for our friendship faded and I'm finally taking a step back. You could confront your friend in a joking/casual way if you do not wish to damage the relationship. Because if you do not talk to her about this, I'm sure this problem would arise sooner or later anyway since it'll always be lurking in your mind.

 

Good luck