sanky Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I am a 28 year old guy based in kolkata, india... i am an entrepreneur and earn quite a lot ... I have lot of pride and honor... i respect people irrespective of their caste,work or bank balance.... i would give the same amount of respect to a beggar and a millionaire.... Anyways back to the sh i t i m into..... We had an arranged marriage... we had gone out for a month before we tied the knot..... I had asked her during our second date... whether she was being forced into marriage or whether he liked someone else and she had said no.... We have been married for 6 months now... and we have never been physical.... she had asked for some time becoz she wasnt ready yet... and i told her i would wait for her.. even though everytime i see her.... her smile.... her innocence, her generosity.... everything abt her... made me want to kiss her... take her into my arms and protect her with all my life... But life sucks big time.... Abt 2 mnths back we went out on a quite a few incredible dates... and i opened my self to her and i told her how i felt about her... and i saw her face changed... she had guilt in her eyes... and she told me she cared abt me a lot (and i know she did) but could never feel the same about me.. she had given her heart to her ex... and she couldnt fall in love again... she told me she thought she could when she married me... but the whatever i do... she wished i was her ex... and it broke me... After that day she seemed more distant than ever but only to me.. The next week she evn tried to get physical... but i couldnt... since it was hurtin like crap... and i wouldnt until she loved me... Sometimes at night i find her sobbing... i try it comfort her saying its ok.. i understand what she is going through... and she looks at me with these puppy eyes.. and hugs me.. i love her too much to tell her how much its hurting me.. bcz that would only hurt her more... and i would never do anything to hurt her.. but i am trying very very hard.. and its pushing me to the age... the frustration in me is affecting my business... my thoughts.. my soul.... i am a very optimistic guy who believes whatever happens, happens for the best... i have gone through a lot of ups and downs in life but i ve always held my head high... but i dont think i can do it anymore... I tried a lot.. been trying every day... every second... But i dont know what else to do... I asked her if she wanted a divorce.. she said it was upto me and she cried... and told me that she was sorry and she couldnt forgive herself for hurting me... and tld me i deserve better than her.. and i could go out with other women if i wanted to... if i divorce her.... her reputation will be ruined.. and people will ***** abt her... and u know how the society is in india... it would teaar her apart... and i couldnt do that... I ve no clue wtf is happenin.. i ve started drinkin and smokin up again ( to stop thinkin abt all this) I dont go home most nights... stay in my office.. drnkin a pint of whisky and smokin as many joints as i can.. ( i m not a drug addict... i m a successful entrepreneur who smokes joints to forget what hes goin through.. and plzz dont tell me its harmful and all... i had been smokin up for 6 yrs b4 i quit) She keeps callin me when i dont go home... and she cares... but i dont need that crap i need her love.. She is pushin me... and i ve got a huge pride... i would go after her once... twice... thrice.... but after that i would turn my back... even if she came to me... i wouldnt even if i loved her... I m confused and mind fckd... i cant talk to anyone about this... they ll pity me... and i cant tolerate being pitied... thats why i am posting here.. Tnks in advance..
oldshirt Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure how much help I can offer as I am an American and in America we choose our own mates. One of the main criteria of choosing your own mate is to find someone that is not in love with or hung up on someone else. Divorce is also quite common and accepted here and does not carry the social stigma that you describe so if a marriage is making you miserable and a detriment to your well-being, it is common advice to divorce and move on. What I can tell without regard to cultural differences though is that drinking and the isolation will only make matters worse. Whether you choose to remain in the marriage or to divorce, living a healthy lifestyle without drugs, alcohol or tobacco and with a healthy diet, exercise, adequate sleep and getting out doing fun things with fun people will make you stronger and more vigorous and with a better frame of mind than if you are sitting around moaning and groaning by yourself drinking and smoking. While I understand that there are cultural differences at play, my own personal opinion is if someone is making your life worse and more miserable and more stressful, sometimes it's better to just not have that person in your life. Edited March 10, 2014 by oldshirt 1
Eggplant Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) she had given her heart to her ex... and she couldnt fall in love again... she told me she thought she could when she married me... but the whatever i do... she wished i was her ex... and it broke me... Here there is some hope. She sees potential. As a woman who also hasn't gotten over my ex, I can say that it's going to take time, and the more one tries to deny and suppress those feelings, the more they fight back and come up. Why isn't she with him, anyway? There's got to be a good reason he's an ex, and she should remind herself of that reason. I recommend some marital counseling. She may gradually warm up to you. If she is not averse, having physical intimacy at some point would probably stir up the bonding hormones in her, and help to bond her with you. (But not if you're going to divorce. Because in that culture, she'd better be a divorced virgin, if she's going to be divorced.) Good luck! As far as it not being easy and roses and sunshine, no marriage is ever. DISCLAIMER: I'M ALSO not really educated about arranged marriages. Hopefully a person more experienced in Eastern values comes around too. (Where is the LengendaryMan?) Edited March 10, 2014 by Eggplant
Eivuwan Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I agree with everything oldshirt said about taking better care of yourself. I know these types of things is difficult to talk about in your culture, but is there anyone you can turn to? A spiritual leader or maybe a counselor? In arranged marriages, the idea is that you will grow to love each other over time. Your wife is still hung up over her ex, but I don't believe that because she loved her ex, she can't love anyone else. You guys barely know each other and it's unreasonable to expect yourself or her to really love each other at this time. You have only been married for 6 months. Most people would probably say that it takes way longer than that to fall in love. What you feel for her right now is probably sexual desire, passion, etc. It hurts that she is still hung up over her ex and it was not right of her to not let you know this before you got married, but what's done is done. If you do not want to divorce her and if you still like her, I suggest that you both give yourselves time to get to know each other. It seems that perhaps due to a lack of dating experience, both of you are not knowledgeable about what it takes to be in a marriage or what it means to love someone. You both have unrealistic expectations about love. She is unrealistic to believe that because she hasn't fallen in love with you yet, that she never will and you are unrealistic to think that you love her. I would say that you both should try to relax, go on dates, and get to know each other. Try to take the pressure off of marriage and just have fun for now. Right now, you are pushing her away which could only lead to a bad outcome. 2
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