Second Chance. Am I going about this the right way or fooling myself? *LONG*

[anotheronebitesthe]

My "ex" and I were together for 13 months. The relationship(whenever we actually spent time together) was quite amazing. We both treated each other rather well and there was much love and passion. Around the 6 month mark there was a concern on whether or not we had the same desires and needs. We learned that we had some drastic lifestyle differences that were coming into play. Here are the elements that were brought up:

 

#1 Family - putting our lives together as one (me being more involved in her sons life, not as a father, but as a compatible role)

#2 Financial stability or progress

#3 Lifestyle

 

She wanted space and it lasted one week after we discussed matters. She agreed to pursue the relationship as long as progress was made towards those three elements.

 

I made some progress with #1 but not a lot. I involved myself in her sons life by planning trips to the zoo, aquarium, parks, chucky cheese, jackolantern display, the lake, the playground. Some nights during the week(but rarely) I would come over before his bed time(730pm).

 

We only saw each other once or twice a week. She has always lived at home with her mother. She normally isn't free until he goes to bed because she has many things to do after work everyday. Her availability in the relationship is very limited but she has shown compromise.

 

So #1 was partially progressing, partial success.

 

#2 Was a failure. Throughout the entire relationship I was giving about 50% effort to improve myself in this category. I worked about 25 hours a week on average and did nothing to change my situation. I was very unmotivated and pitied myself. It was an irresponsible year.

 

#3 Her schedule has always been bed at 10pm, wake up at 6am. My schedule has always been bed at 4am. Wake up at 12-1pm. I always worked at night. I also have many friends who regularly enjoy marijuana and I was no different. #3 seemed to be a HUGE issue with us. I didn't change anything. Failure on 2/3.

 

I started to self-inflict myself with negativity and discouragement. I accepted not going anywhere in life and not putting efforts in. At the start of the 9th month I showed less interest in intimacy. Honestly, I was feeling really depressed and there was NO reason for me to feel that way. This was self-inflicted. We rarely had sex and she always wanted it and I showed little to no interest because of always feeling low(my own fault).

 

Then she decided to break up with me on the 13th month. She called it "needing space and time to think". I was devastated, mainly because I was naive. You see, I didn't realize all of my flaws in the relationship until a month after the break-up. I just saw it as her being selfish because I've dated many selfish girls before. We continued to communicate regularly and made it clear that she wanted to be with me but things needed to change first before getting back together. She said she didn't think she would be capable of dating anyone else and didn't have plans to in the near future.

 

Three weeks later she started dating somebody else exclusively. Two days after they were officially together I asked if she would tell me if she was seeing anyone and she said yes, that she isn't. This was her first lie. We've always been open and honest. It tore my heart out to find out the hard way that she had lied to me. After finding this out there was much drama between us and I was seeking out advice online and learned about NC. I didn't know if NC was a good idea but the pain that came from knowing she was with somebody else was so unbearable I had to initiate NC and start focusing on how I could improve myself. I broke NC on day 15 deliberately. Before I get into details about why let me brief you on what progress I've made on myself.

 

For 2 months I have increased my hours to 40 hours a week and I also have made investments to become a certified personal trainer. I'm halfway through my studies as I have been studying for 2 months and plan to take my certification test in 2 months from now. For the first time in 8 years I am marijuana-free for 32 days, despite one hiccup when I was extremely ill and needed it. I plan on at least cutting down dramatically if not completely quitting. Stability is slowly increasing but mostly with the hopes that a personal training job after becoming certified will change things.

 

Ok, so I broke NC on day 15 because after 15 days of strict NC and receiving 12 texts, 2 phone calls, and messages relayed from friends of mine about her trying to contact me I decided that I didn't really want to "move-on". I actually wanted to reconcile but knew that we both needed our space. I still didn't have closure. She messaged me on day 15 saying she was breaking up with her current bf and that I had been on her mind the whole time and the bf was aware of it. I broke NC to find out if I could get closure.

 

She dated this man impulsively and I do believe it was because of the fact that she no longer felt appreciated in our relationship. This man was a single father and satisfied one of her needs (lifestyle compatibility). However, she quickly realized that it was a rebound relationship and moved too quickly. She couldn't seem to be intimate with him and was still trying to reach out to me regularly. We have been communicating for 9 days post-NC now. We've both made apologies for what we saw as flaws. I agreed that the person I was for the majority of the relationship was not who I wanted to be and that I don't blame her for leaving. I have been making many changes as far as productivity and understanding. I have discovered many of my relationship flaws and have communicated to her that I would make noticeable changes so she could see progress.

 

She has expressed that she is nervous jumping back into a relationship with me. She feels like she wants to take it slow, but also is not certain of anything. She's been in single-mentality for some time now and is keeping her options open. I haven't been open or capable of the idea of dating other people as my heart is hers, but lately things are confusing. She had hinted in the recent days that she missed our intimacy. She was specific. She wanted to make love and feel passion. I was shocked. We agreed we both wanted things to work out but weren't sure if they would or how to go about it. We agreed to take it "slow" -- but making love wasn't my idea of slow.

 

She came over today. I cooked her breakfast. She napped because she only got 3 hours of sleep. We cuddled. She needed to go to a store to pick up some things for her work. We came back and snuggled some more.. and had wonderful sex. It brought back closeness. I'm a bit nervous now. She thought that I was going to have intimacy issues, but I had none. She seemed to become more talkative, open, and happy. We went out to dinner and had a very honest, open, and revealing conversation. As I'm getting older I really want a family more and more. I told her everything I wanted in my future. I told her I knew I wouldn't get it unless I worked my ass off for it, which I plan to do. She told me she's been seeing a different side to me. I've even made changes in my sleep schedule as I have been waking up around 9am. She's always up early and we have been texting earlier which makes her happy. She admitted again that she was still nervous about things. She also said that she is OK not being facebook friends. I de-friended her when we broke up. I am finding FB to be extremely unhealthy for relationships. She used to stalk every female that "liked" my status because she dated so many liars in the past she felt our relationship was too good to be true. There was nothing to find, but it created unhealthy habits, jealousy, and just unnecessary drama. I never stalked her FB or found myself jealous, until the breakup. My insecurities lead me to check out "friends recently added" and I found a guy she met at a bar who she had been talking to and flirting with. This was a mistake on my behalf. She's single, she has every right to do what she pleases. She could genuinely believe that FB is unhealthy for us but my insecurities lead me to think it's because she has been flirting/talking to other guys doesn't plan on stopping until she is ready for a full-on commitment with me.

 

I'm jealous and I shouldn't be? Not sure if making love to her today will have a positive/negative impact for us. Tonight she wants to plan memorable trips for her annual one-week vacation she gets. This is her only one-week out of the year she gets off and she wants to spend it with me. Last year we made some of the best memories of our lives during our vacation. She also is planning overnight stays with me towards the end of the month. She always planned things when we were dating because she rarely gets a day to herself. We only spent 2 overnights a month together on average (excluding vacations, days off from work) because of her availability.

 

I love this woman so much. When I was 19 I went through the most devastating thing I've ever gone through. I lost my mother due to cancer(I was always a Mama's boy) and my step-father kicked me out of the house a week later. I had no money, no car, no job, no work-ethic, no survival skills. I was sheltered. I lived on couches. The following years were so incredibly tough I still feel like today I am suffering from emotional damage from not having accepted the loss of her. I carry her with me everyday. I'm trying to say that I am an emotional person. I try to compose myself as I know that being overly emotional is not attractive. I also feel like that experience has damaged me and it is difficult to not feel separation anxiety when I am dealing with a break-up. I was with my mother almost every day of my life and I never learned how to handle life because she always handled everything for me. This was 10 years ago as I am now 29. I've made significant progress in this category but it still has an impact on me. The purpose of this last paragraph is to express how my emotions might be playing with logic here and that's why I am asking for advice.

 

She is what I want. I believe she is worth the risk. It's not going to be easy and I'm aware of that. However, am I going about this the right way? Does anyone think I am fooling myself? Should I be open to meeting other people during this process of uncertainty(She must be open to dating other people if she's not willing to commit to me) Should I just give it more time? Would love genuine opinions/perspectives.

 

Thank you for reading.

[flight E]

I think it is clear that feelings still exist between the two of you but you have make a clear distinction between being caring and condescending. Being attentive in a way that it doesn't cut across as needy. Take it slow. U don't really need to start seeing other people but you shld have it at the back of your mind that there is no guarantee things will turn of the way you want

 

On seeing her, make it about quality not quantity. Try to make the times you together memorable but don't go over board and become dramatic and however it goes try not to panic at any sign that she is being distant. If fact let her do most of the initiating of contact etc then take it up from there and make both of you have fun. I think you will get the results you desire if you go this route

[anotheronebitesthe]

Thank you for your response. I am trying my best, but I seem to be questioning my emotional health after yesterday. It doesn't feel like our feelings are mutual. She seems to have one foot out the door. She tells me she wants to work it out and take it slow.. but it seems like she is having her fun with other guys while we are "taking it slow". I don't trust her because of things that she lied to me about and she vowed to regain my trust with brutal honesty and open-ness.. but my gut feeling tells me that she is fulfilling certain needs with me while exploring her options. She hasn't found better than me, but obviously she thinks she can if she's not ready to commit? I'm not happy at all today. I'm an emotional wreck. We've been broken up for two months and she dated a guy for 3-4 weeks. She admitted that she is going through a phase today. I really don't think I can handle this. My focus has always been completely on her and hers is only partially on me.

Does this extra information change your perspective on how you think I should handle this? We have been communicating morning, day, and night and have been very open with our feelings.. but it feels like she is hiding a certain feeling.. the true reasons why she won't commit. Don't think she would tell me if she went on dates with other guys.

[flight E]

You didn't really get my advise, you are already trying to make her commit and getting worked up analysing how she feels and what she doesn't feel. This is a perfect recipe for failure.

 

You may not be ready yet and you best bet is NC but if you want a go at it you must understand that reconnection takes time. You must let go of the old and most importantly you must be at a point where if it works out good if it doesn't work out good.

 

Relax and have fun. If you can't explain to you ex and take more time to heal.

 

I truly believe it's not in a man's place to bring up consistently issues of feelings emotions etc let the woman do that when she is ready. Just create the opportunity for her to be happy. And from the amount of contact you have, it's a bit too much like you to available. If you can't take it slow and easy, it's better you go no contact