notsointerested Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Hi everyone, please hear me out! Recently I asked out one of my friends on a date. I liked her a lot and we knew each other for a few weeks. She has a very playful and friendly personality and she's a lovely girl. Because of this it was very hard to to read her feelings towards me but I did get the impression that she liked me more than a friend. We got along well, she laughed at all my jokes, we helped each other at college and I thought we had something going on. Last night I plucked the courage to ask her out on a date, face to face. She rejected me in "a nice way", saying she wants to stay single and she showed me a ring indicating she wants to stay single. I was absolutely distraught but I took the rejection well and explained to her that I did like her more than a friend and that I thought she liked me too so I asked her out. I also explained that we should still be friends regardless of what happened last night. She felt so bad after I left that she messaged me and wanted to make sure I was ok and we should still stay as friends. She acknowledges my bravery for saying it to her, maybe I planted a message in her mind? I wasn't feeling okay and even now I just feel so upset because I'm a person who has low self confidence and I built up confidence over the past few weeks to ask her out, only to lose it just like that. I invested a lot of time and effort to spend with her and now I feel it's gone to waste. She told my friend that she feels so worried about me so I called her to reassure her that I was fine just to get her mind off things (yet I wasn't). What can I do? She isn't someone I can just avoid because we are in a close circle of friends, her friends are my friends and they go around together. I still value our friendship but I don't think things will be the same again. I don't know what she thinks now or how she feels about me either. Whenever I see her I just feel even more upset and try to hide my feelings. I don't want to lose her as a friend as we had a lot of fun and good moments. What can I do to repair the friendship? ----------------- TL;DR - A friend rejected me, I still value our friendship but I don't know how to act with and around her. What should I do?
Author notsointerested Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Don't punish her because she was nice to you and you decided that meant you had a chance and you took that chance which was very difficult for you. She doesn't owe you anything. She is obviously a nice person which many men mistake for interest. She cared enough to see how you were doing. Don't take advantage of her kindness. I know this sounds harsh but I've been where she is at, and many times the men who were "rejected" by me (when in reality I gave them no signs other than being a nice person and talking to them) became hostile, bitter and/or resentful towards me. Sometimes these men were way older than me, shorter than me or not particularly attractive but the attention I gave them gave them wings, and when they felt rejected, their sentiment towards me turned quite dark. If you don't think your friendship can be the same again, that is YOUR problem, don't make it hers. Don't punish her because your ego was hurt. She obviously didn't intend to hurt you. I personally think it's selfish when these things happen and the guys decide the woman is evil or stuck up or whatnot. This was never the case with me. I liked the guys, but I felt no chemistry with them. You can't make chemistry. You either have it or you don't and it has to be a two way street. Sorry this happened to you but I think you are being unfair. Unfair in what way? i'm trying to be friends again with her and get back what we had before. I'm not shouting at her or calling her the 'B' word.. I respect her decision, but does it make me a bad person for going back to her and trying to be friends again?
tbf Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Considering how much you like her, I'm not sure you can fix the friendship while feeling this way. What you might need is some time away, in order to shift your perception of her and to pull yourself together.
ponchsox Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 What you can do is be cool and friendly. Put the ball in her court.
Author notsointerested Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 How can I lose my feelings for her and still be close friends? Also, was I right in asking a friend out on a date? I get this feeling it wasn't.. yet, if I hadn't asked, i would have never known what she thought of me.
CaliGypsy Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 There was nothing wrong in you asking or in her response. You have to take chances in life right? What if you tried just a cooling off period to distance yourself from the rejection? Take a little time and refocus knowing she just wants to be friends.
bubbaganoosh Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 What I don't get is what kind of ring? It's one thing if she wouldn't date you and flashed an engagement ring but I never heard of a "I want to stay single ring." Maybe it because I'm old and not too hip on the newer things. Anyone?
Author notsointerested Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 What I don't get is what kind of ring? It's one thing if she wouldn't date you and flashed an engagement ring but I never heard of a "I want to stay single ring." Maybe it because I'm old and not too hip on the newer things. Anyone? She's like a hipster and it's some sort of jewellery. In my opinion, she is trying to tell me she doesn't to go out with me and is using it as an excuse to put the rejection in a nice way.
WYSWYG Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 (edited) I feel your dilemma, bro. I would use the experience and try a different approach in the future if the opportunity arises once more. It's possible you both are feeling very awkward from this and is doing your best to salvage the friendship. My confidence will be shaken as well if I was in your shoes. From a different angle, how would you handle this if you were in her position? That view might help you cope and deal w/ this better. Just don't question what you did too much - most people aren't that courageous anyways and what's done is behind you now. I'd say give her some space for now. Don't bring it up unless she inquires. We never know what lies ahead but time heals. Edited March 9, 2014 by WYSWYG
Author notsointerested Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 I feel your dilemma, bro. I would use the experience and try a different approach in the future if the opportunity arises once more. It's possible you both are feeling very awkward from this and is doing your best to salvage the friendship. My confidence will be shaken as well if I was in your shoes. I don't know how she feels but i would imagine a bit surprised that I had the balls to ask her out. My main problem is all the lost confidence. How would I get it back? From a different angle, how would you handle this if you were in her position? That view might help you cope and deal w/ this better. Just don't question what you did too much - most people aren't that courageous anyways and what's done is behind you now. The sad thing is, she can get over it within an instance since she just has to say "no". The good thing I can learn is, is that it was the first time I've asked out a girl in my life. I can use this as an experience for future potential dates. I'd say give her some space for now. Don't bring it up unless she inquires. We never know what lies ahead but time heals. So I shouldn't joke about it in a light hearted way? I don't really want to make her feel bad but we used to joke about a lot of things together. According to her friend, she wants to talk to me after my exams (next week) and I don't know what she's going to say.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I would take a break from hanging out with this girl until you are able to get everything under control. It could take a few days, it could take months. If she contacts you and asks what's up, be honest and friendly and tell her you need some space to get to a place where you can be friends with minimal weirdness. Don't feel bad about asking her out -- there's nothing wrong with asking out your friend, just like there's nothing wrong with her saying no. 1
guest572 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 You were courageous and gave it your best shot. Rejections are so tough and I agree with what others said about time away. Im sure she will understand. You've only known her a short time, so its probably more about the rejection and feelings that go with it than it is about her. so i am sure you can get past this and be friends, just give it some time. Get over her, get rid of these feelings, then try friendship. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Be glad she was thoughtful and took the time and energy to let you down easy...
WYSWYG Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Some good advises up there, OP. You'll get your confidence back soon enough. It's not the end of the world. Don't ever hesitate asking girls out. It's a 50/50 chance we take and also shows confidence. Seriously, I wish I was ballsy like that on the first time. Unless she ask, best not to bring it up again even in a light-hearted way. In any case, be honest and straight-forward on how you feel about her if the conversation veers that way. Again, don't think too hard about what she has to say on your next meeting. No need to stress yourself on things beyond your control. Just be a good listener and only say what's necessary w/ a sense of humor. For good measure, google "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann. You'll be fine, bro.
esteem-jam Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 If you cant be friends with her- then dont be. This is not unfair, this is fair. Its like a doctor asking you - does it hurt? You lie and say no, then he keeps cutting. Why lie?
Author notsointerested Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 Thank you for the advices. I won't be seeing her for a week while I'm occupied with other things so that will be the space she needs. Should I stop messaging her too? I don't want to do no contact and her thinking I'm ignoring her because she rejected me. I think I can definitely move on after some time, however I don't know if she will see me in the same way as before. All I can do now is just wait and see how things pan out I guess.
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