Fifth chance? 10 year relationship needs to be sealed or done with...

[her1nonly]

wow...where do i start? I'll try to be as brief as possible...

HighSchool Sweethart. We had all our "firsts" intimacy's together. Courted officially for one year, then i broke up with her my senior year...i can't remember why (1994). Off n' on we went from then on...while i continued to see other girls. i hurt her a lot emotionally. i was really immature and inconsiderate...i didn't know what i was doing. Went on to college.

Relationship continued. we saw each other off and on, and continued contact as well as intimacy through our second year in college. at one point i finally asked her to leave me alone after an arguement..and she did. i soon realized i did wrong, and within a few months she called me. Turns out, she wanted to see if there was anything left, before she continued with a guy she had met at her college that was persuing her. I immediately turned around and tried talking' myself into "another chance".

didn't work. she ended up being with him for about a year...full throttle. i continued to try and sabotage their relationship, and "win" her back. Although I failed, this guys' temper/personality didn't. he was abusive in EVERYWAY. and she eventually left him for good. while they were together, her and I continued to talk off an on, she woudn't deny me my telephone calls. but she also didn't deny me intimate details of her relationship...which was a way to push me away. they truly hurt, knowing that she was with someone else...but yet still loved me (i later found out). i dated in the mean time off and on...but surprisenly enought...i couldn't sleep with anyone...i had no feelings for those women. i really felt strong about "making love", and not sex. so to this day, she's the only one. this is already too long...

well, just as i was getting over her and recovering from having lost her...things were looking positive...i was forgetting about her... and then i get a phone calll. so she had dumped him, yadi yada...within 1 year and a half of contact off and on...we were back together.

2001. we see each other after about 2 years of not seeing each other...and we're back together. the FLAME was lit, and we were at it again. i'm getting a headache just remembering allthis...

For six months, i see her once or twice a month as i finish college. she was already done. i take a job near her home, and we continue.

Arguing/fighting begins. I don't take her out, i don't do things that i did with other girls, i lie, i continue to lie...etc. don't get me wrong. i never cheated on her. never. but a little lie to her is just as serious as a huge lie. i held a huge grudge against her for her past relationship. i was very judgmental with her, i dispised her for having been with someone else. it really bothered me. i felt it was unfair that i hadn't been with anyone else... i continued to keep secrets from her, cuz i didn't want to argue...it didn't work. i really didn't treat her with the respect she deserved... i broke up with her.

off and on again through 2002, and through 2003. i kept trying to get serious with her but it never worked. we were becoming very settled in our own little shell of her apartment. we'd see each other there, i'd sleep over sometimes...and that's it. i took advantage of that, i later realized.

Fall 2004, she put her foot down. i realized by this time, my word meant nothing to her, she doesn't trust me, promises means nothign to her...so only actions speak. so i surprise her with a weekend trip to where she went to collge. she had always wanted that...so did i. i thought it would be healthy for our relationship. it was AWESOME, we both had the best time of our lives...i didn't want it to end.

soon after that, she insisted that i start introducing her to everyone in my life/family if she really meant something to me. so we were officially together...and i kept trying to work things out and bring her into my life...but we just kept arguing...and arguing and arguing...because either i failed to mention something (which was a lie in her eyes), and/or i simply didn't take consideration for her and that she was my girlfriend. everytime we argued it got worse and worse...she eventally got physical on me... i never did. arguements just continue to escalate. i told her a million sweet things that i loved her and that i really wanted to get passed this relationship obstacles so we could take the next big step...

well, a week ago, an arguement escalated as we drove to meet my parents. i had had enough...she called me out saying, i didn't have the balls to dump her...so i did. it was over. it is.

she made me pull over the next exit, and she stayed and had someone pick her up...i waited across the street to make sure she was safe...

woah...

she has gained significant weight...and there had been moments where i totally didn't feel any attraction towards her. i'm no model, i know. but i can't help it if that's how i feel. she has no friends. she calls me and we can talk the night away. she's super great, but also super attached to me. i wanna go back to her, but its hard going back to something you know you're giong to dread. i realized i was unhappy because i kept being told what to do and how to do it... i don't care for anyone else right now...i just want this to work. i haven't a clue.

everyone around me and her have both said to move on...but yet we don't. i'm just tired of this...i want to make it or break it.

 

thank you very much for those who actually read this.

[mixwell]

I dont know what to tell you. it seems that I am in the same boat as you sort of. I have been with my ex for 7 years. We were each others first everything sexually and what not. I am only 21. We have broken up numerous times. (mostly my choices) This time it was her though. it seems when you're broken up you want that person back soo bad and then when you finally do get them back, things are the same and you almost ask yourself why you wanted to get back with them.

 

Am I right or what ?? Thats how I felt sometimes. But I do love my ex very much. I think if we were to get back together though this time that I would just try to re-light that flame we had and not get into such a routine. Relationships are tough and you have to work through them. Its really hard to say how you feel about it and what you are willing to do. I think if you are in contact with this chick still that you should call her maybe and go meet somewhere and sit down and have a serious talk about everything.

 

No hidden feelings or any BS. At least that way while you aren't together you can get EVERYTHING off your chest. What bugs you and what bugs her.. try to think of resolutions and what you can do to have a better relationship. Be more logical about it than being all emotional. Really does her having relations with someone else bug you to the point of f***ing this relationship up?? Me, being the jealous person I am (i see why it bothers you though I have been in this situation) would just let it go. I have had relations with other girls and my ex didnt hold that against me and gave me a second chance. She never held it against me or brought it up so I dont think it would be fair to do the same.

 

its natural curiousity and you just have to accept it. Try talking to her about it though... Its easier said than done, I know because my ex doesnt like to talk about it really but if you get the chance to just let it all out so there are no hidden feelings.

 

Take care..

[her1nonly]

Thanks for the insight.

 

in so much time, there's a lot that was left out in my posting...such as

i'm way over her past relationship. at this point its really just up to me. she's already proclaimed that i'm the one for her...no one else.

i am very lucky to have such a great women love me unconditionally...and continue to take me back.

 

i on the other hand can't proclaim the same. she is all that for me and a bag of chips....

i just can't seem to get things right enough to move forward.

 

besides the constant arguing, she's lost hold of her figure...and in the last month or so...i found myself feeling really unattractive towards her. i couldn't help it. i can't. so i tell myself, "it's because i don't love her unconditionally...i'm not serious about her."

she doesn't have any girlfriends...its me and that's it. i've slowly over time have shut out a few friends just for the sake of the relationship...that's how much i wanted it to work.

 

i saw the recent film "CLOSER"...i loved it. i'm scared that i'll end up like Jude Law's character...

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

We have broken up numerous times. (mostly my choices) This time it was her though. it seems when you're broken up you want that person back soo bad and then when you finally do get them back, things are the same and you almost ask yourself why you wanted to get back with them.

 

this is interesting...

 

how many times does this happen to people?

 

is heartbreak mostly the pain of rejection or is it mostly the loss of a loved one?

[SoleMate]

i wanna go back to her, but its hard going back to something you know you're giong to dread. i realized i was unhappy because i kept being told what to do and how to do it... i don't care for anyone else right now...i just want this to work. i haven't a clue.

Sounds like you're driving around in a strange area...in the dark...with no map...and one of your headlights is burned out, and the other one is fading fast!!!! You feel attraction...and repulsion...and you don't understand why.

 

You need to learn some basics about why people fall in love, and stay in love, in a lasting way. Check out <URL removed> for this info.

 

Also, be aware that ANY separation from your SO/partner/primary love&sex object will cause pain, anxiety and grief. No matter how bad the relationship and how necessary the separation/breakup, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOME PAIN. That is the nature of human psyche - we are social animals and we bond with our partner. Use your head to decide whether to be together, and then use coping strategies to survive a breakup if you decide one is necessary.

 

but a little lie to her is just as serious as a huge lie. i held a huge grudge against her for her past relationship.... despised her for having been with someone else. it really bothered me. i felt it was unfair that i hadn't been with anyone else... i continued to keep secrets from her, cuz i didn't want to argue...it didn't work. i really didn't treat her with the respect she deserved... i broke up with her.

Most women want honesty, respect and fairness. If you don't learn to devliver those qualities, you will not have a lasting, high quality relationship.

[mixwell]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

this is interesting...

 

how many times does this happen to people?

 

is heartbreak mostly the pain of rejection or is it mostly the loss of a loved one?

 

 

Honestly I was a dumbas$ for breaking up with her. It was in the past and our relationship had been good. Up until i moved away. I had realized how stupid I was and I am glad that she was willing to give me another chance. I would never break up with her again if we were to get back together. (unless she cheated or something extreme happened) But she broke up with me this time, even tho i did move away from her so I dont know. In a way its almost like I broke up with her. I don't know if my ex sees it as me breaking up with her or if she knows she broke up with me, because after all she was the one that said the words. I more or less did the actions but I had told her that I had intentions of her moving with me in a month or 2. So i never said I wouldn't see her again or whatever but who knows. her1nonly I dont know what to say. You might want to give it a chance but you should do some sould research and see what you want.. the best thing to do IMO is just talk to her about everything. Maybe you can work ALOT of things out this way ?????? It wouldn't hurt to try !!!

 

Take care

 

PS. BrainRightHeartWrong to me it was the loss of a loved one !! I love that girl soo much ! Theres no one else on Earth (besides family) that i love or care for as I do for her !!

[her1nonly]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Sounds like you're driving around in a strange area...in the dark...with no map...and one of your headlights is burned out, and the other one is fading fast!!!! You feel attraction...and repulsion...and you don't understand why.

 

You need to learn some basics about why people fall in love, and stay in love, in a lasting way. Check out <URL removed> for this info.

 

Also, be aware that ANY separation from your SO/partner/primary love&sex object will cause pain, anxiety and grief. No matter how bad the relationship and how necessary the separation/breakup, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOME PAIN. That is the nature of human psyche - we are social animals and we bond with our partner. Use your head to decide whether to be together, and then use coping strategies to survive a breakup if you decide one is necessary.

 

 

Most women want honesty, respect and fairness. If you don't learn to devliver those qualities, you will not have a lasting, high quality relationship.

[her1nonly]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Sounds like you're driving around in a strange area...in the dark...with no map...and one of your headlights is burned out, and the other one is fading fast!!!! You feel attraction...and repulsion...and you don't understand why.

 

It's ironic, one headlight to my car is out. I've been driving around with one for the past month or so...

 

She's been calling me ever since i called it off...and she hates herself for not having the will power to not talk to me. She's laid her cards on the table and been very clear of what she expects (get to know my friends, and family; be out with other people; formally introduced as my girlfriend).

I really don't have much friends here. Those that I have are mostly through my filmmaking. Which when i meet with, are to discuss projects. Also, I had a few women friends, through work and such, and she refused to have me to do with any of them; and so i dropped them for her. i really wanted her trust and confidence. i was trying to earn it. but nothign seemed good enough for her... I even made arrangements to visit a buddy and we both went up to hang out for the weekend. she had a good time, so did i and my friend.

 

and so it seemed that more and more often arguements began, i wasn't being proactive, i wasn't taking initiative in trying to "bring her into my life"...

i know its not easy with both having careers, and everyone having their own schedule...but things like that don't happen over night.

 

so last night she asked me to tell her something. so i tried to put together what i wanted to tell her...and i told her, that i missed her, there's no one else i'd want to be with. i also told her it's hard to try and go back to where all you have to look forward to is arguing. she got really pissed off that i said that. she took it as i was simply telling her, "i don't want you anymore" again.

 

its simple. i just have to decide. my heart says yes, and my mind says no...and so does everyone else. i feel that i'm in limbo.

 

am i immature?

[mixwell]

no you're not immature.. Its just how you feel. I still think it wouldn't hurt to give it another chance. Worst case scenario is you will be where you are right now, but at least you will know nex time that it is over.. So its your call