cocorico Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I have heard of several cases of people who present themselves one way, in order to reel in a potential partner, but then over time the facade slips and their true colours come out and the R collapses. Have others encountered this? How long, in your experience, can people keep up this pretence? I'm not talking about serious fraudsters / scammers / people who can be certified with major personality disorders; I'm talking about "normal" people in normal Rs.
carhill Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 IME, it depends on amount of interaction; the more, the sooner. The less, or with interruptions, the longer. My average has been between six months and a year for the latter, and a couple of months for the former, with regards to ersatz interest/care/love, etc. Forensically, IMO it also depended on myself; the sooner I gave them whatever they wanted, even if largely unknown by myself, the sooner the ersatz part ended and the reality ensued and IMO this is because, at that point, they didn't care. Satiation with the present flower and move on to the next flower or back to the hive with the load of pollen. With few exceptions, I would never had classified such people as disordered, even forensically. IMO, a large portion of fakers and takers are not disordered. They simply do what they do in life. My best friend calls them 'preservationists', refering to their priority of self-preservation. He's certainly more diplomatic than I am about such matters. 1
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I've heard of that too. But I've never experienced it and never seen it happen first-hand to a friend or associate. I tend to think that often the *****-bits are there from the off and we may choose to look less closely at those... initially. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I don't see it or comprehend how it can happen.
RedRobin Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I'd say no less than about two months. They start to crack about a month and a half in. I can practically set my watch on it. I agree that with interruptions it would take longer. Try to avoid the interruptions on your end. If they are introducing interruptions, that's a red flag in itself most of the time.
newmoon Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I have done this. In order to keep my guy I completely faked a part of my personality. I was able to do it for a good while (maybe 4-5 months) but bit by but my 'true' self started to come forward and that caused the eventual breakdown of the relationship. basically, he was looking for a certain type of girl, which I presented myself to be, and when he saw that I really wasn't that person it couldn't work anymore. sadly, the eventual break-up reason he gave was the exact thing I had been trying to hide so desperately, because it had always caused dating problems in the past. so, I actually wanted to fix that part of myself in some way but failed. anyway, I kept it up about 4-5 months before it also become hard for me (to act in a way so different than myself). it's hard for the person doing it because you know you're being a 'fraud.' no hope of that type of relationship working. now I flaunt that thing I was trying to hide and a man either accepts it or doesn't.
waterwoman Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 No, I can't say I have. But most of the couple's I know have been together a while so all pretence has long been abandoned.
JourneyLady Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I have heard of several cases of people who present themselves one way, in order to reel in a potential partner, but then over time the facade slips and their true colours come out and the R collapses. Have others encountered this? How long, in your experience, can people keep up this pretence? I'm not talking about serious fraudsters / scammers / people who can be certified with major personality disorders; I'm talking about "normal" people in normal Rs. Indefinitely. My ex-husband was a "no confrontation" kind of guy and just kept things going smoothly until he fell for someone else and bailed. Up to that point he was lovey dovey lovey dovey all the time. That's 30 years of pretty much pretending to be someone he wasn't and holding his own desires in. (Serious self-esteem issues stemming from a childhood with alcoholics. He learned to "get along" by never making waves. I was aware of his background, of course, but didn't realize he was doing this within the marriage. Of course I take some of the blame for the other things and driving him into someone else's arms... but I never lied or hid anything. If I were his new wife and knew how well he held the facade, I'd be very nervous!)
yellowmaverick Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I don't know whether he does it intentionally or not, but my WH is a chameleon. He adapts to whatever it is he thinks will impress someone. He does this with male friends as well as potential partners. He has an extremely high need to be "liked" and have his ego stroked. I am more of a "what you see is what you get" kind of person, so I never really appreciated his ability to be less than authentic. Honestly, it just takes too much energy to be fake. 1
melell Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I honestly feel a bit like this isn't always intentional... I personally am much different with others at the start, say 5-6 months, because I am less comfortable. As soon as the comfort level goes up, I become much more open- in good and bad ways. This could for sure been seen as me faking it. I agree with above too- I feel like people who are able to do that often come across as inauthentic, it really annoys me. But I do wonder if that is simply personality. People that intentionally do it? If they are making an effort to do it I would say it would be hard to put a time frame on it- whenever they stop trying I guess.
janedoe67 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Depending on the view, there are some people who think the first 36 years of my life were pretense. 1
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