KissMyTiara Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 How does ANYONE ever once involved in an affair or affected by an affair ever move on with their lives to trust another person in a romantic relationship? From the moment I found out my MM was married, I have had SERIOUS issues trusting ANYONE. I just assume that all men are cheating a**h***s. To exemplfy my distrust, over the summer I was at the beach with a girlfriend, and there was a birthday party for an adorable blonde 5-year old girl going on nearby where our towels were...there were several married couples there, all looking extremely happy and playful (at least superficially). All the men somehow, someway, reminded me of MM. I looked at those men and thought to myself, "they have all cheated, or they are right now, or they will in the future..." and further thought, "those poor women, those poor children, those pricks!!" Now, I KNOW this can't possibly be true...but I obviously cannot go on for the rest of my life thinking that no matter who I get involved with, I am destined to be cheated on. I have NEVER felt this way before. I always gave trust long before it was earned, and just wanted to believe that everyone was good, that MM who cheat are the exception, not the rule, that I would never encounter one, etc....and so that's what I believed, and it wasn't until MM came along that I was just blown away. Blown the F away. Help me ladies and gentleman! Not ALL men cheat, right? There are problems that CAN be fixed BEFORE the infidelity occurs, right? In other words, if you pick the right guy and you meet his needs, it can be prevented, right?! This question is in the front of my mind lately because I have been FINALLY experiencing attraction to men other than MM, and I have FINALLY agreed to a date with a very nice, stable, successful, good looking, SINGLE guy...but I am terrified that whatever nice potential relationship comes along I will screw up with my new trust issues. If I were married or in a relationship that was affected by infidelity, it would be one thing to hold on and try to save what was left...somehow I think I'd get over my trust issues for the sake of the relationship. But when the relationship is brand new, when you're just meeting someone, getting to know them, you don't have the ability or the "right" to know their every move...how do you just give in? How do you walk head first into something knowing that you could be hurt just as bad, if not worse, than the first time? Is it worth it? Is it really worth it? Please help.
quankanne Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 tiara, it sounds less like not having trust than it does you being jaded by your relationship with your married lover. time to throw out the trash, to air out the house and all those "freshen up" clichés. your questions, if you will" Help me ladies and gentleman! Not ALL men cheat, right? nope. some are actually decent men who have their heads screwed on straight. same goes for women out there who don't trash relationships just because they can, who are worthy of being in healthy relationships with. There are problems that CAN be fixed BEFORE the infidelity occurs, right? the number one problem with relationships that go sour is that the art of communication is lost. Someone refuses to listen or will ignore the other when a problem occurs (or is even perceived). Infidelity doesn't have to be the automatic answer to a marriage in trouble. Frankly, I think it's a poor excuse for someone to behave selfishly and badly -- all because he/she refuses to communicate with his/her spouse! All relationships take work, marriages most of all, because you are taking a huge leap of faith when you choose to weave a whole new entity between two people who aren't related except by law. In other words, if you pick the right guy and you meet his needs, it can be prevented, right?! more like "if you pick the right guy, are willing to be open to communicating and don't have a problem with compromise, you'll do all right." some people are wired to cheat, but I think that's because they don't look for the underlying cause of their need to do so (not communicating with self). Fortunately, not everyone is wired like that! move...how do you just give in? How do you walk head first into something knowing that you could be hurt just as bad, if not worse, than the first time? Is it worth it? Is it really worth it? again, it's that leap of faith you're being asked to make, not knowing how it will work out. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy being with the other person while you're with them, or even enjoy the learning process of being in a new relationship. There's always a potential for hurt, sometimes you just gotta decide to toss your fear to the wind and just go for it because it looks good, you know?
Grinning Maniac Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 So, you chose to involve yourself with a sh*thead and now all men are sh*theads too, in your mind? Ok...no. That's not true. Not all men cheat, just like not all women cheat. It's not some unavoidable curse. It's a choice in how a person deals with a situation like that. You just picked a bad guy, simple as that. The very fact that he's affected your outlook on life so negatively is BIG sign that you need to LEAVE. Congratulations on meeting the single guy. Given the circumstances, I think you should take the gamble and give him as much trust as you can. Why? Let's think. Could he really lie to you more than this other guy has? Highly unlikely. If I'm wrong on this, I'll eat a pair of my own underwear. Deal?
izzybelle Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 kmt - i can definitely relate to your feelings around trust! and i know what grinning maniac said, pretty much sums up how i feel about embraking on a new relationship....it's a gamble. and for months i felt like i was standing there with the dice in my hand afraid to roll them..... after the split with MM i cancelled several dates at the last minute (one guy i'm sure i'll never hear from again). much of that due to the "fear" of starting a new relationship knowing what might happen. how could i trust him to not cheat on me, what if he decided to go back to an old girlfriend or ex wife? finally i did accept one (mostly because i couldn't cancel because a friend was going to be there too!). but my daughter got to experience "first hand" her mom freaking out and trying to find any excuse not to go! she thought it was amusing..... since that first date, i've seen this single guy only once but spent many hours lately on the phone with him. i can finally feel myself starting to relax. at the beginning, each time he wouldn't call, or took longer than i would have liked to return my call, i'd immediately assume he was with someone else. it was odd at one point, i was talking about some friends who are getting divorced (because of infidelity) and another couple who is having some major problems because i think he was just found out, and he went off on this "i'll never understand how someone can do that to someone else." but the whole trust issue has really had an impact. not just about cheating but about believing anyone in general. i find myself wondering if he's just saying something because he thinks he should. and i'm terrified to let my guard down. but little by little it's happening. i do feel like i'm healing and finally am starting to feel like even if this current relationship doesn't go anywhere, that it was worth the risk and i really can try again! i'm curious....one of the other emotions i've experienced in getting back out into the dating mess (because that's what it is) is that i felt "guilty"...like i was cheating on someone. i know that's totally out of place, but has anyone else felt that as well?
StillHurtin Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 I can understand how you feel KMT. My last few BF's b4 I met dh either cheated on me or still had feelings for their ex GF's. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I am attractive, sexy (at the time, lol) sweet, fun, and great in the sack (yes, they told me that, lol) why weren't they satisfied w/ me? I guess they just were using me. One guy said he still loved the girl that took his virginity away and he found it hard to fall in love w/ someone else and that is why we wouldn't work. The next guy cheated on me w/ an ugly chic and I dumped him. Of course he came crawling back to me a few months later. I didn't take him back. I am friends w/ his little sister and he even told her I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he screwed up (this was after I had been married 10 years). The next guy I thought was going to last until he started talking about his ex GF (who happened to be a model) and I got sick of it. I don't know why he started thinking about her again. He did tell me she stopped by his house one night so I am sure feelings started for her again, I don't know. He also had several pictures of her still in his bedroom on display. I knew he wasn't over her and I was more of a rebound. I met dh, was married to him for almost 11 years and he screwed around on me too. When I thought our marriage was over I had a hard time even thinking about wanting to be involved w/ another man again b/c I feared I would just get cheated on again. There are decent men out there, not all of them cheat. My dad, and my brothers would never have an A. I know there are men out there like that and I know you can find one to make you happy. You just need to dump that MM of yours b/c that great guy may slip right by you.
Author KissMyTiara Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by Grinning Maniac Could he really lie to you more than this other guy has? Highly unlikely. It's not the lies he's told me, it's the lies he's told his W - those are really the BIG ones when ya come to think of it, aren't they? Could a guy I'm involved with cheat on me and tell me lies to cover it up? Certainly. He COULD. I just have to act like this guy WON'T...is that it? Originally posted by izzybelle i'm curious....one of the other emotions i've experienced in getting back out into the dating mess (because that's what it is) is that i felt "guilty"...like i was cheating on someone. i know that's totally out of place, but has anyone else felt that as well? Oddly, YES!!! I feel like in just accepting this date that I am cheating on MM...like I am cheating on someone. I am keeping it a secret, from everyone. So strange, so strange.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 If all men are lying cheaters anyway, wouldn't it be easier NOT to give up the one you're already more familiar with? Wouldn't it be okay to keep him if there was nothing better to be had? You probably know more about relationships than any 20 women that you meet each day. Just by virtue of having studied and observed them here at LS, you are already better equipped than most. The mistakes in dealing with relationships are easily avoided when you've got a little bit of knowledge. And not every man is a cheat. There's really nothing to fear....but fear itself. You've already got all the tools that you need.
Owl Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 KMT- A couple of things I thought I'd respond to. Again, you know my situation, we've agreed to disagree on whether or not it's an "affair"....'nuff said. You mentioned that you felt like you were cheating on MM, setting up a date with somoene else. Not surprising if you think about it. You've invested a lot emotionally into that relationship. When my wife and I began to reconcile after her emotional affair, she felt horrible, like she was betraying her OM. (not fun for me to hear, but there ya go). Sometimes what you feel doesn't have to make sense, it's just what you feel. It's what you do about it that matters. As far as the trust... My thought is that you're going feel a lot like the BS in many of these cases as well. You've seen the lies that some people are capable of telling those that they love....just to get what they want, with no regard to that persons feelings or well-being at all. I've learned again how to trust my wife after what happened. But it will never be the totally blind, innocent trust I had before the affair. And if somehow (and I don't see this happening) I end up alone in the future, and begin a relationship with someone else...I don't see myself blindly trusting again. Once you've lost that "innocence" where you think that the person you love will never hurt you, I don't think you get it totally back. But, that doesn't mean that you can never have a relationship again. It just means that you're trust will have to be EARNED, rather than freely given. Nothing wrong with that...I don't trust a stranger on the street with my wallet...but I would a friend I've known for years...because they've earned that trust. There are good guys out there...not all guys cheat. Many of us are dedicated partners, even in light of things like what happened in my case. Hang in there friend...good things are coming.
Pocky Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 It's a matter of how you want to view the world. You are only jaded when you allow yourself to be jaded. If you want to see everyone as a cheater then you will. If you chose not to then you won't. We aren't just flopping around like a fish out of water as we proceed in life. You make life what you want it to be. If you see everything that's negative and hurtful then that's all you'll find in life. We've all suffered. We've all cried. If that's all you want to remember then you will never enjoy the beauty of life.
DoggyDog Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 Gosh...I'm crying just reading. I don't think I'll ever meet someone again. Years of youth gone and who wants me now??? I don't even like myself. I have a pity party every night since my MM left me two months today. I can't stop thinking of him and what we had....besides that, where can I meet someone new whose single...I'm so happy you have at least met single men....Trying to be strong but falling apart in every aspect of my life. Financially, and thoughts of why me....how do I go on. Makes me sick to think...and I can't turn off my brains...Keep wondering what he's doing, does he think of me, or is he glad he walked away. Out of site, out of mind. Wish I can do that. L DD
Author KissMyTiara Posted January 28, 2005 Author Posted January 28, 2005 I haven't quite reached that point with MM, seriously. Don't be too hard on yourself. But when I do, I know how I'll cope - just as I did with all my prior breakups. Looking back at all of those, there were a few where I felt the same way you did, "Oh, woah is me, how will I ever live without him?! How can I go on?! There is no one better...!! Arrrrgghhhh!!!" But guess what, time passes, and the next guy DOES come along. And the old guys? They feel...dead to me now. Imagine it that way - when your MM leaves you, just pretend like he's dead. Then you won't have to think about what he's doing, etc.
immoralist Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 This question is in the front of my mind lately because I have been FINALLY experiencing attraction to men other than MM, and I have FINALLY agreed to a date with a very nice, stable, successful, good looking, SINGLE guy...but I am terrified that whatever nice potential relationship comes along I will screw up with my new trust issues. I'm glad to hear that you're finally weaning yourself from your MM. It's a gradual, painful, two steps forward one step backwards process, but it's doable over time. It appears that your time has finally come, kmt. Your MM will use every trick in the MM Play-book to keep you ensnared in his MM world of hot sex, cold loneliness and co-dependency. Fight him with the taste of single men. One flawed single guy is worth 20 superficially perfect Married Men. Why? Because the single guy can give you what the MM cannot: all of himself. Love stops being a time share. Proceed on the assumption that all men are faithful until events prove otherwise. We're only as strong as our fictions. Good luck, my friend.
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