Sponge_Cake Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I'm in a long term relationship and have been for 4 years...my partner is a steady, loyal and mostly kind man. He is hard working and is financially stable. He had a family tragedy when he was younger and since then he has not faced his issues. Only recently has it all come to a head and he has been overwhelmed by grief and depression...I have stuck by him and tried to support him but things have been difficult, he has been pushing me away and saying some very hurtful things...he has also stopped wanting to commit, example, he isn't keen on marriage now even though before he said he would be. We don't have enough communication and he keeps a lot of things to himself. He's angry, puts me down a lot and never has a laugh with me anymore. Now part two of the story, I have met somebody on a forum...we have similar interests and at first it was purely platonic. It was nice to have somebody to talk to and actually show me some attention...making me laugh and I was looking forward to speaking to him daily. My boyfriend and I were having a lot of problems - the above and more and the forum person, we will call him X asked me to meet him. I decided to go, because I knew it was platonic and I had nothing to lose. I told my boyfriend and he didn't seem too fussed so I felt I wasn't doing anything wrong or hiding anything from him. When I met X we had such a lovely day, we laughed and messed around, lots of deep conversations and although we had never met before, conversation was very easy and I felt so comfortable with him. He kissed me goodbye and although I am throughly ashamed, I did kiss him back...since then we have been talking everyday and I have such a connection with him. My boyfriend and I are on a break at the moment while he "sorts his head out" as he can't handle having a relationship and dealing with everything else in his life at the moment. X wants me to meet him again next week - we will still be on the break then but I'm not sure if I should go or not...I really want to because I enjoy his company so much. But should I break it off properly with my boyfriend first?
lvroflife Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 This is a test of your love for your BF. This new guy is refreshing, and exciting, and giving you all your BF can't as he battles his demons. You started an emotional affair and now is leading to a REBOUND relationship... The newness will whereoff in about 3 weeks to 6 months, then the realness will come through with this new guy... I am sorry you are conflicted with this, you do have to do what is best for you and your future... It is always tough to sit and wait for someone with hope, because you never know... I am in that situation right now and let me tell you it is hard to move on and wait... trying to move on is the best idea, but then it is like what if s/he comes back and I just started with this new person then you'll be conflicted.... Your BEST friend right now is TIME, and my advice if you persue the new guy take it slow and be honest (which it appears you have been)with everyone especially yourself... But it is usually not wise to leave one relationship to start another 2
Trep Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Just a friendly word of advice, from what I've experienced and read on here multiple times, men and women seem to have very different understands of what being on "break" means. From what I've seen, most men believe that being on break means you're still in a committed and exclusive relationship but are just taking time to be alone and sought through personal issues. However, the majority of the females I associate with consider being on break as a "temporary break up", so essentially they are temporarily single and free to do what they wish. So you may want to absolutely clarify where your relationship stands right now with your BF before doing anything drastic with the new guy. 1
Author Sponge_Cake Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Thank you for both of your replies...it's so hard. This is the first time in 4 years that I have felt strongly for another person other than my partner. We got together when we were 20 and are both 24 now...we've grown up together but also I'm concerned we have grown apart slightly. It panics me that he has commitment issues and doesn't want to get married or have children in the future which he always said he did before (lying?). I know I want these things but at the same time I don't want to lose him. Then there is the other guy and how he is making me feel...excited...I also feel more alive than I have in a long time. It's all so confusing. I wish I didn't have to grow up and make all these big decisions!
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I can't really offer much advice but I do see the issue u face .. It's a tough one & only u can decide x would love to know how this works out for u though so do update x
lvroflife Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 You feel alive because the new guy (seems) to not be battling demons and is into you (because you're new to him too) and he is fun, carefree, no real feelings or emotions involved...Meanwhile your BF who has had your back for 4 years and is emotionally invested in you is now at a low point in his life and is draining you (friendly reminde:r when married you will face issues like this, are you going to run to another too? I know you said your BF says no to marriage), this part of the partnership, this is when you be his backbone and the support he needs. Not the time to run out on him (just my opinion). Again as I stated earlier do what is best for you, but what about if you were at your low point and your BF ran out on you and left you? How strong is your love really? Ok so you may not be "in" love with him, but let me tell you (you're young) in a long term committed relationship or marriage you have to be prepared to fall in and out of love several times during the course of the relationship. That is how it works. DO NOT BELIEVE THE BOOKS OR TV SHOWS, ABOUT HOW LOVE IS ALWAYS BLISSFUL AND BEAUTIFUL THROUGHTOUT... Love is work and Love requires constant nurtuting. Thats the problem with people today, they run as soon as the "in" love feeling is gone. They do not know that it comes back... So you need to think about YOU and what is best for you (again). No relationship is always easy.
lolablue17 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) You're so confused, so here's a little guide for you... Ask your self just one question: do you want to end it with your BF and move on with your life? YES or NO. If the answer is yes, do it. meet him and tell him its over. If the answer is NO, wait until he is Ok again, or until the day you will change your mind and DON'T meet the new guy at all and even stop or minimize your contact with him because he will sabotage your R. Don't end your R to go with the new guy. Its a mistake to compare between them. decide about your emotions to your BF first! This new guy means nothing. he is just a distraction, a symbol to your situation, not more than that. Edited March 8, 2014 by lolablue17 1
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