Ordinaryday Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I see that term bandied about all the time here, people saying they have to contact the dumper for closure. they will talk about how they need to write the dumper a letter, reach out to them, ask them why, and so on, for 'closure'. I don't understand this... what exactly is closure? what do you hope the dumper will say? what could they say that you want to hear? years ago I used to want 'closure' but then I realised that ANYTHING the dumper said would only lead to more questions, not answers. if you ask them why and they tell you "I just didn't feel we were compatible, sorry" it will only make you ask "but WHY??? Why cant we give it another shot?" and so on. the fact that they said they dont want to be with you is closure in and of itself, I learned that. so why do so many dumpees seek it? what is it you are hoping the dumper will say that will give you 'closure'? what could they possibly say that would satisfy you? tell me!
guest572 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 You are exactly right. But we still seek closure whether or not we can get it. It is about getting an understanding of what has happened and saying goodbye. Finding out what went wrong and preparing to let go. To me "I dont want to be with you" does not cut it. I need to know why. I guess part of it (seeking closure) is an excuse for not letting go and trying to find out ways to fix the relationship.
Author Ordinaryday Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 You are exactly right. But we still seek closure whether or not we can get it. It is about getting an understanding of what has happened and saying goodbye. Finding out what went wrong and preparing to let go. To me "I dont want to be with you" does not cut it. I need to know why. I guess part of it (seeking closure) is an excuse for not letting go and trying to find out ways to fix the relationship. I initially asked them why and asked them to be honest but I found that the women I was with tended to respond in one of two ways when I asked them 'why'. they would either: 1) blatantly lie. they would say something like "there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you, I truly loved spending time with you. I just have a lot of things going on right now and I just cant handle a relationship, but you were great, you will make someone else SO HAPPY. all the best" - while it sounds 'nice' I would then hear through the grapevine that they had hooked up with someone else a day after they dumped me... so they were ready for a relationship... but not with me. they LIED. Or 2) they would say something really hurtful, like "I think you're a loser. you are going nowhere, no ambition, you suck. I dont anything to do with you" which would just depress me and bum me out for months. I found it much better to just completely go NC.
Leegh Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I have had guys in the past just stop calling. They take the easy way out, and don't have the courage to say things won't work. At least when someone "dumps" someone and tells them, it gives closure to the other person. What does not give closure, is when someone just stops calling, and leaves the other person hanging, not knowing what happened. I knew of one person where her boyfriend simply stopped calling, and she thought he may have been in an accident, but he hadn't been, he just didn't have the consideration to let her know he was no longer interested. I think closure is when you know for a fact things have ended, and one can hopefully move on.
Author Ordinaryday Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 I have had guys in the past just stop calling. They take the easy way out, and don't have the courage to say things won't work. At least when someone "dumps" someone and tells them, it gives closure to the other person. What does not give closure, is when someone just stops calling, and leaves the other person hanging, not knowing what happened. I knew of one person where her boyfriend simply stopped calling, and she thought he may have been in an accident, but he hadn't been, he just didn't have the consideration to let her know he was no longer interested. I think closure is when you know for a fact things have ended, and one can hopefully move on. I have been dumped a few times that way. one of my friends pointed out it ws a good thing, and I asked why. they said to me "would you really want to be in a relationship with someone that rude and disrespectful?" and I thought about it and realised... no I wouldnt. so they are doing you a favour.
guest572 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Oh that's really awful.. Yes sometimes its for the best to go without "closure" and I wish I could do it. I guess the other thing is a lot of people such as myself just cant let things be. Its so hard to go from being in a happy relationship to nothing without knowing why. I felt that I did get closure from my ex which helped my understanding a bit and made me realise there was no hope, but it doesn't help much in terms of recovery. So i guess the helpful kind of closure would be a bit of reassurance, honesty and firmness in the dumpers decision.
Author Ordinaryday Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Oh that's really awful.. Yes sometimes its for the best to go without "closure" and I wish I could do it. I guess the other thing is a lot of people such as myself just cant let things be. Its so hard to go from being in a happy relationship to nothing without knowing why. I felt that I did get closure from my ex which helped my understanding a bit and made me realise there was no hope, but it doesn't help much in terms of recovery. So i guess the helpful kind of closure would be a bit of reassurance, honesty and firmness in the dumpers decision. a common question dumpees ask is "how can they go so easily from loving me and being with me to just dumping me and kicking me out of their life completely??? how can they just do that?" and the question has been answered many times on LS: "Because even though they may have technically dumped you on the 1st of march/2nd of june/whenever, in their mind for the past MONTH or longer they have been going through in their mind ALL the things they find wrong with you and why they dont want to be with you, and they have started the grieving process already. they checked out of the relationship MUCH SOONER than you did, which is why it seems easy for them. because they have been preparing themselves for this moment for the past month or so... while to you it just happened RIGHT THEN"
guest572 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Yep, that was what happened to me. He was over me a few months before it ended (despite going along as though everything was ok and letting me fall in love with him) A few months on and I'm nowhere near over him.
Author Ordinaryday Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Yep, that was what happened to me. He was over me a few months before it ended (despite going along as though everything was ok and letting me fall in love with him) A few months on and I'm nowhere near over him. my ex and I were (I thought) working through some mutual problems we had. I was making an effort and she told me it was acceptable, but she kept texting me asking what I was doing to fix things, and even after telling her, she would ask the same question again and again. and then in the middle of an important business meeting she texted me asking me to list in point by point manner a list of every single thing I had done and was doing to fix our problems. I got pissed and texted her back saying I didnt have time for this and that if she really felt I was not good enough for her then she shouldnt be with me. I said it in the heat of the moment but she took it to heart and we never spoke again. heartless.
guest572 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 You clearly had much better communication than in my relationship where we just went along ignoring issues, i would have given anything to work through it but he wouldn't talk to me, he prefers to pretend that problems don't exist and everything is great. But sounds like she was pestering you about it and if that is all it took for her to leave then she must have not been very invested in the relationship.
Author Ordinaryday Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 She was invested for awhile but she felt I had problems in my life and she wanted me to work through them. I was trying to, but eventually she decided my efforts were not enough and she dropped me. I told her not to contact me again, it broke my heart, but a breadcrumb would hurt worse. on january 9 this year I was walking through the city and I happened to walk past her and she simply said "Hi OD" and kept on walking. I was furious. after breaking my heart and deserting me she has no right to say "hi" to me as if I am an old college chum and not some guy she destroyed.
pickflicker Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 "Closure" is an excuse. It's something everyone goes through in the process of letting go. Eventually, you realise it's crap. But it's a necessary step.
Author Ordinaryday Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 "Closure" is an excuse. It's something everyone goes through in the process of letting go. Eventually, you realise it's crap. But it's a necessary step. I realise that now. a few years ago I didn't. like the people here who talk about it, I was convinced that if I reached out to my ex for closure, she would say something that would just 'explain' it all, and would make me thing 'thank you for giving me the answers I need'. but EVERYTHING they said, EVERYTHING, just led to more questions which just led to more questions... I realised that there is NOTHING they could say that would give me closure, cos closure doesnt come from them, it comes from you. the fact that they dumped you IS the closure.
Musing Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) To me, closure has always been synonymous with validation. I always wanted to be validated and to know that I wasn't some mutant creature or terrible person, or awful in bed or boring or something. I wanted to know that my exes cared about me in the relationship and to know that I was not forgotten in the end. Ever hear of Charles Horton Cooley's "Looking Glass Self"? If not, google it. Basically it is how you percieve yourself through the eyes of others. When I'd think about getting dumped, I'd look at myself as some pitiful schmuck, that maybe when they thought of me they felt resentful, trapped, unlucky. It's all about my own insecurities and judgements but when it came down to wanting to see them after a break up, or talk to them - i.e. having THEM reach out - it made me feel like maybe I DID do something right after all, and every time that's happened I made peace with their decision knowing I wasn't a crappy girlfriend. Sadly, this time seems to be different for me in that I haven't gotten that "closure", at least yet. But it's made me realize that the whole bit about closure, for me, has to do with my own self perception and insecurities and partially not wanting to really let go. All of which are underlying synptoms of a bigger problem that should be further addressed, all learning experience. At the end of the day, who really cares what the ex thinks? They're a non-issue. But I digress, there are some cases where I do think closure is legit - like when an ex just disappears. That really messes with people and it would be difficult for even the strongest or most mentally stable person to walk away from that. Edited March 8, 2014 by Musing 2
Sandy99 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) Closure is just that final nail in the coffin feeling... while moving on. But yes I think it's better sometimes not to know the truth. But sometimes it's a good learning lesson. Sometimes during or after a break up is the only time the person you were dating is really truthful. While you're dating it's all, oh you're great, no problems here. Then when you break up, if you persist, they'll start breaking down your faults. Now to some this is awful, but to others this could be seen as constructive criticism. But sometimes what somebody says while they are giving you closure, can haunt you. So it really just depends on what you want. Do you want to just accept how things ended, buckle down for a few months, and get over them? Or do you want a break down of what went wrong for them? Sometimes if you hear the truth you might laugh, it seems so trivial and petty. But they might not even know they are giving you closure. Like if you dated somebody and they had these glaring faults (or so you thought), like they are bad with money, irresponsible, always late....whatever, and you break up with them and then point these faults out to them at the end...is that really closure? I guess for them they at least know what's annoying or difficult for other people to live with. So it can be a learning lesson, too. Edited March 8, 2014 by Sandy99
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