JANIE2406 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) I met this guy online and our first date was a little over a month ago. We are both on our mid 30's. I have been married, he had a broken engagement. He asked for a second date the next day and flaked three hours before the date claiming some family issue with his brother being drunk at a Superbowl party. After that we had another five dates. I initiated one and he initiated the other 4. We kissed on the third date and I was so nervous I was shaking and it was the worst kiss of my life. We were at my house and he did not try to have sex with me, which I am thankful for. He later told me he though I did not like him. After that episode he already spent the night at my house a couple of times. It was very nice and nothing awkward happened. It felt just right. We also went on a date and did not have sex. He travels a lot for work and twice already the first thing he does when he gets back is see me and the last thing he does is see me. I really like him and I am also so very attracted to him to the point that my knees feel weak. He makes me feel so comfortable and I feel so happy when he holds me, like I never felt with another man. I am very selective and only had two serious long term relationships in my life, but had quite a few flings that never made me feel this way. I am so scared.... I am terrified he may actually like me. I am terrified maybe I have found someone that i will love and that will love me in return. No matter how much I want to believe he cares about me, I cannot see it. I am sad all the time when I should be happy. I keep waiting for the worst to happen I am very discreet with my feelings and I am not one of those chicks that sends text messages all the time or is clingy and needy. This is getting harder and harder because I truly believe we could be happy together. I do not know what to do and I am afraid I may ruin everything by withdrawing because of fear. Edited March 8, 2014 by JANIE2406
Leegh Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I would just take a day at a time. It is very hard for most people (including myself) to find someone they are really attracted to, and if the guy is decent; kind, caring, considerate, etc., then I would continue to see him. Since he travels a lot for work, that does give you some time for yourself. I think you and he have not been dating long enough for you to make a decision about the relationship. I would reevaluate things in several months. 1
Noproblem Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Well, your thoughts are going to secure this relationship or weakening it. Try to occupy yourself with different things, so you don't think too much about this ... I really hope this relationship is going to last and work for you both.
TigerLilly78 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Yea I know that exact feeling to a tee your so not alone! I guess it happens when you have been hurt and screwed around so bad in the past. So its very hard to believe it when some one in the present shows any interest or affection? Cause you think they are ether "lieing to play you or use you" or in some weird way just "patronizing you out of sympathy" or of course there is my other relationship killer fav "He must be cheating" cause you don't think hes really happy with you he just cant be. Least thats how I feel most of the time I wasn't always like this but now a days its a real issue for me. And like you Im always on edge if there is anyone I allow myself to get close to and have feelings for in that way. Cause in my mind its like the countdown to fallout starts once he confirms he cares. Its been really bad ive been cold and downright mean to potential mates. So bad in fact it has led me to almost shut myself off emotionally all together and almost lose people I realized I did really care for deeply..Sadly I don't have any real rock hard advice on how to over come these feelings.. Other then to take conscious actions now before you ruin something that could end up being the best thing you never had..luckily ive caut myself doing this as of late and have made hard out efforts to overcome it. Good luck with the new guy it sounds like hes genuine in my opinion..
Author JANIE2406 Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Yea I know that exact feeling to a tee your so not alone! I guess it happens when you have been hurt and screwed around so bad in the past. So its very hard to believe it when some one in the present shows any interest or affection? I feel like that too. Truly when I started dating again and put my profile up I did not expect I would meet anyone worth it. I thought I would go on some bad dates (as it happened) and have something to laugh about with my friends. Then he appeared. I am so scared he will disappear or find somebody else. Then my self steam gets low. I am a good looking woman and I have a good job. I am independent and when he is with me, he laughs a lot as I do. Instead of feeling I am good enough for him, I keep thinking he is always focusing on my flaws.
BradJacobs Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I am so scared.... I am terrified he may actually like me. I am terrified maybe I have found someone that i will love and that will love me in return. No matter how much I want to believe he cares about me, I cannot see it. I am sad all the time when I should be happy. I keep waiting for the worst to happen I am very discreet with my feelings and I am not one of those chicks that sends text messages all the time or is clingy and needy. This is getting harder and harder because I truly believe we could be happy together. I do not know what to do and I am afraid I may ruin everything by withdrawing because of fear. Coming from someone who seems to attract women like you, let me give you a few words of advice: 1. Your lack of effort and communication is noticeable to him. The fact that you are very loving and caring in person confuses him because when you are apart it's like you don't care at all. 2. The more times that he begins to pull away (stop communicating) and you start initiating communications because you are scared of abandonment, he's going to recognize the pattern and think that you are playing games. Which is going to send him on a course looking for someone to replace you that can express their intimacy both verbally and physically. Which leads to the last word of advice ... 3. When he dumps you because he thinks that you are cold, don't cry to your friends about how you were such an affectionate girlfriend. You are cold. Not opening up to a romantic partner because you are scared of letting someone love you but stringing him along because you fear abandonment is foolish. Seek help. 1
newmoon Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Coming from someone who seems to attract women like you, let me give you a few words of advice: 1. Your lack of effort and communication is noticeable to him. The fact that you are very loving and caring in person confuses him because when you are apart it's like you don't care at all. 2. The more times that he begins to pull away (stop communicating) and you start initiating communications because you are scared of abandonment, he's going to recognize the pattern and think that you are playing games. Which is going to send him on a course looking for someone to replace you that can express their intimacy both verbally and physically. Which leads to the last word of advice ... 3. When he dumps you because he thinks that you are cold, don't cry to your friends about how you were such an affectionate girlfriend. You are cold. Not opening up to a romantic partner because you are scared of letting someone love you but stringing him along because you fear abandonment is foolish. Seek help. I don't think she needs to seek help, but the rest is solid advice. If he's a decent guy he'll give you some space and time to come around and open up, but if you pull back on the affection and let your doubts and fears overcome you too much then he'll see it as game-playing. You don't have to increase the texts and calls (because that can become clingy, you're right), but initiate some more interaction and at least tell him that you feel it could go somewhere and you are trying, but want to take it slow. It sounds like you're going about it right - nice dates, getting to know each other, etc. Just think of the ways he is making you happy (does he send a text? does he say something that makes you feel warm and fuzzy?). try to reciprocate some of that behavior he shows. it is very hard to be treated well when you're used to not being treated that way - almost as if you don't really deserve all the happiness, but you'll be sad if it goes away, so make an effort to show you care or you risk losing it
Author JANIE2406 Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Oh I do. I do not play games with him. Contrary to what other fellow member said, I do not need treatment. We actually have very good communication online and over the phone as well. My withdraw comment is based on the fact that it appears to me that as my feelings are increasing so are my doubts. It is different when a guy you do not really care about is gone. You just do not care so things are smoother. Before I used to be very chill with messaging and all that, now It has to be all perfect and it is overwhelming. I initiate contact with him as he does with me. I just wanted advise on how to overcome the fear and try to chill.
newmoon Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Oh I do. I do not play games with him. Contrary to what other fellow member said, I do not need treatment. We actually have very good communication online and over the phone as well. My withdraw comment is based on the fact that it appears to me that as my feelings are increasing so are my doubts. It is different when a guy you do not really care about is gone. You just do not care so things are smoother. Before I used to be very chill with messaging and all that, now It has to be all perfect and it is overwhelming. I initiate contact with him as he does with me. I just wanted advise on how to overcome the fear and try to chill. does the bolded perhaps mean you are not being yourself? when we struggle to make things perfect it usually is in an effort to structure things so our 'true' self doesn't mess things up.
Author JANIE2406 Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 probably not if I have to think so much before I execute a simple task which is write a text message. It is easier in person. I actually talk too much. But when he is away it gets bad.
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I actually think you should seek some counselling around your self-esteem, OP. Also, it has only been a month since you've known him so some doubts and holding yourself back IS normal. I am more concerned that you're already concerned about panicking in case you've found someone who will love you etc. because many things crash and burn after the first few weeks, and your self-esteem seems low enough that I'm worried it might damage and upset you further than it would for somebody who is invested to a normal amount (for this stage). I think counselling would truly help.
BradJacobs Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 We actually have very good communication online and over the phone as well. My withdraw comment is based on the fact that it appears to me that as my feelings are increasing so are my doubts. I initiate contact with him as he does with me. I just wanted advise on how to overcome the fear and try to chill. Oh well that is normal. And shame on me for making an incredible jump to a very wrong conclusion. One of these days I will learn! Best of luck.
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