TXGuy Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I straight out asked him. ..[and earlier you said something to the effect of] I've never dated someone who I wished things had worked out with... So, for your entire dating career, you have never dated someone you wished things had worked out with. To me, that is someone that has no interest whatsoever in getting into a serious LTR. Either that, or for some reason you pick partners that are wholly unsuited for a LTR. That being the case, it is likely that you are not a good potential LTR partner. That is a red flag and I would likely end things if I was looking for a LTR. If I was looking for a FB, then game on. That appears to be what such a person is also looking for. That is the way I interpret never having dated someone with which I would have liked for it to work out. I think it is common and a good thing to be able to look back on past relationships and wish this one or that one would have worked out. It is a sign of willingness to commit, but it just has not worked out yet. Assuming that it is a perfectly valid (even good) thing to think, then the only thing this guy did wrong was to answer a question too honestly.
veggirl Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 You could ask him what he meant by that and see what he says, I guess. I don't know, I have trouble understanding the thinking here, of wishing it had worked out with an ex. I can honestly 100% say I have never thought that about an ex, once I was over him. To me it reads: not over ex. If my bf asked me if there was an ex I wish things had worked out with, my immediate thought/answer would be "no, of course not because then I wouldn't be here with you." even just getting to know someone new, if you're excited I think that'd be your immediate thought?
Author KatZee Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 I don't know, I have trouble understanding the thinking here, of wishing it had worked out with an ex. I can honestly 100% say I have never thought that about an ex, once I was over him. To me it reads: not over ex. If my bf asked me if there was an ex I wish things had worked out with, my immediate thought/answer would be "no, of course not because then I wouldn't be here with you." Exactly. I'm not quite sure where the "red flag" comes into play in regards to TXguy's responses. I've dated people, moved on from those people, grew apart from those people, changed as an individual, and no, there are no ex's I wish things would have worked out with. I'm getting two completely different opinions here but for me personally, if I'm into a guy, I'm not going to go off telling him I wish things worked with one of my exes. I would want him to be interested in me, not turned off that my ex is on a pedestal.
Leigh 87 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 KatZee, this has happened to me on two occasions. We are about the same age... I will briefly share my experiences. Not sure if you feel they apply to your situation. I have had two boyfriends who previously had girls whom they only left due to distance/ meeting the girls whilst travelling. Both guys would have remained with their girls had distance not been a factor (and neither party had the money to visit, they were all students). My ex had a girl he fell for before me who I knew could have been "the one" for him. They only parted ways, in his mind at least, because they met whilst travelling/had to go home to the countries in which they lived. He didn't say it, but I just "knew" she was the one for him, who most got his heart racing. He said he had "no idea' if they would have lasted. I just "knew" though.... he fell in love with her for real. He never did with me. Currently the guy I am in a relationship with met a girl when he was 19. They dated two years but she was overseas. Again, they met in Thailand, were together two months before heading back to their home countries and having a "long distance" relationship. It didn't work due to the distance but she as a VERY pretty girl who was fun loving and was also a lawyer and had a good career going on. I could tell from seeing her picture that she was a warm and nice girl. Only with my boyfriend, I feel head and shoulders ahead of this girl, based on the way he feels about me. This could be due to his more mature age or the fact I am just more suited to him and click better with him than she ever did (him and I just fit together very... uncannily well) Had she not left him, he probably WOULD have stayed with her, but I just DO NOT feel like I was second best. I just "know" he is not holding a torch for her, based on how his actions demonstrate how crazy/smitten he is with me (and was from day one). My boyfriend even admits he fancied that first girl more than he did his more recent ex whom he dated after meeting her/before meeting me. He says/makes it abundantly clear with his actions that he hadn't previously felt "this way" about a girl (the way he feels about me) but his ex who he really did fancy a great deal, made him better able to determine what he true, deepest love in fact WAS, since he was close to feeling it with her but NOT QUIET. The best way I can explain all this, is that I feel "safe" with current guy where as I "wasn't safe". Their actions and my gut feelings on the matter have lead me to believe that I know very well whether or not I was in fact, second best to their "exes".
Leigh 87 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Exactly. I'm not quite sure where the "red flag" comes into play in regards to TXguy's responses. I've dated people, moved on from those people, grew apart from those people, changed as an individual, and no, there are no ex's I wish things would have worked out with. I'm getting two completely different opinions here but for me personally, if I'm into a guy, I'm not going to go off telling him I wish things worked with one of my exes. I would want him to be interested in me, not turned off that my ex is on a pedestal. Well my ex never once said that he "wished" things had worked out with his ex. I just "knew".
TXGuy Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Exactly. I'm not quite sure where the "red flag" comes into play in regards to TXguy's responses. Maybe I'm just looking at it differently. That is a common occurrence for me. Let me try to show the point I'm trying to make by adjusting the facts. Imagine asking the question to a divorce(e). I just can't imagine someone responding by saying 'I do not wish my marriage had worked out.' Sure, the marriage ended for a valid reason. And the divorce(e) has no lingering feelings for the former spouse. But I would expect that most people would, at least at some level, wish their marriage had worked out. Similar feelings can be had for previous LTRs. Without still pining for that person. Also. I'm mid 40s. It is more common to have serious LTRs. Perhaps not as common for someone in 20s. We might just be interpreting the question differently. 1
morgan1996 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 What's the difference between a red flag and yellow flag?
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 We all go into relationships hoping they will work out. They either succeed or fail. That is what dating is all about. With all my past relationships, I was in a relationship because I wanted them to work out, I was hoping that guy was the one. But it didn't work out and they weren't the one. And I wish they could have been, at the time. But as time goes on, you realize why they didn't work out. And then you meet someone else and you are thankful they didn't work out. Another thing I've learned is that men don't have filters. Sometimes they just say things without thinking. Maybe he said that because he wanted to relay that her issue is a deal breaker for him. He wants a girl who isn't like that. I would say strike one. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Author KatZee Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 What's the difference between a red flag and yellow flag? Like a street light. Red flag = STOP do not proceed. Yellow flag = proceed slowly and with caution. Green flag = Go! 1
Author KatZee Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 Another thing I've learned is that men don't have filters. Sometimes they just say things without thinking. Maybe he said that because he wanted to relay that her issue is a deal breaker for him. He wants a girl who isn't like that. I would say strike one. Give him the benefit of the doubt. One of his questions to me a few weeks ago was, "have you ever done drugs and are you an addict of any kind?" I told him of course not, I've never done anything past bud. And he said he was very happy to hear that. Now it makes sense why he asked me that question.
babycakees Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 This wouldn't sit well with me. Truly sounds like he misses her and the relationship a lot. Usually once I'm over someone, I can see why it never worked and realize it wouldn't have worked either way in the end. I feel this guy thinks, "if she would have never done drugs, we'd still be together." He still loves her and misses her. In his mind, he probably compares every woman he meets to her. 1
Survivor12 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I was married for many years. I fell out of love because of my ex's horribly negative & cynical attitude about everything and everyone. We've been divorced for several years & he hasn't changed. Otherwise, he's an honest man. He was a good father. He didn't cheat. Do I wish our marriage would have "worked out"? Of course!!! Am I over him? I was before I left. Do I still love him or have one iota of desire to get back with him? Absolutely NOT!!! I feel sorry for him. That's it. Also, I wholeheartedly agree with Katzee about drugs being a deal breaker. 2
mercuryshadow Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 My FI was in a relationship with a woman who became a drug addict before we were together. If he'd ever indicated that he lamented the loss of that relationship, we would not have gotten very far. He instead indicated that he was sorry he'd wasted so much time on someone who just wasn't the one for him, as he knew early on that she had some bad habits that he wasn't okay with. I don't think I'd be able to go much further in your situation, KatZee. 1
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