KatZee Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Long story short: the most recent guy I've been talking to has opened up and admitted to me that he does wish a relationship would have worked out with one of his past ex's but that she turned into an addict. This isn't a recent ex either. I'm not trying to date someone who carries a torch for another woman, is this normal? Do any of you guys have an ex that you wish it could have worked out with? Proceed with caution, or is this a huge red flag?
babycakees Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 An ex is an ex for a reason. This is a saying I live by. And yes. Red flag. He's not completely over his ex.
Noproblem Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 and you know this how? lol. It's my natural gift to analyze!
babycakees Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 fellow guys, this is why you need to keep your mouth shut. just about every guy has exes that went bad. they moved on. isn't a flag at all, but the guy doesn't understand how girls work and he said too much. I'm sorry. This may be true, but it would still send red flags if I guy I just started seeing said he wished things would have worked out with their ex. It wouldn't sit well with me at all. 1
babycakees Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Regardless, he said it. He blurted it out to his new potential...it's definitely at least a yellow light. OP, keep your guard up.
veggirl Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Red flag. Do you pine after anyone so much that you actually would say that to a new flame, someone who you presumably are excited about and smitten with? i mean if he is meeting a new girl he is excited to get to know but still thinking about an ex like that? No good. How did this topic come up? Maybe there's more to the story but based on the little you wrote...yikes
BradJacobs Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I'm sorry. This may be true, but it would still send red flags if I guy I just started seeing said he wished things would have worked out with their ex. It wouldn't sit well with me at all. What would your reaction be if the guy you are dating admitted to you that he loved being married? Does this come across as though I still have a torch for my ex-wife? I am curious how that has come across with the women that I dated. (sorry for the temporary derailment but it sort of ties into the primary question) 1
RedRobin Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I dunno. Depends on the context of the discussion. I wish things would have worked out with my ex-H. I still feel our problems could have been overcome. This doesn't mean that I'm still carrying a torch for him... I'm just not someone who shrugs and says all breakups are for the best. IMHO, lots of breakups are about one or both people being unwilling to face their own individual cr*p in the context of a relationship... and think that finding someone else is going to be the cure-all for everything. I do still carry somewhat of a torch for the man I was engaged to after my divorce... he died though. So no competition for anyone I meet now. They have pretty big shoes to fill in terms of love and care for me. My fiancée was a sweetheart that way. About your guy... just take your time and get to know him. If you are having doubts, then just don't move things forward until things get more clear. You'll find out soon enough. 3
babycakees Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 What would your reaction be if the guy you are dating admitted to you that he loved being married? Does this come across as though I still have a torch for my ex-wife? I am curious how that has come across with the women that I dated. (sorry for the temporary derailment but it sort of ties into the primary question) But that's not what he said. He said he wished things would have worked out with her. He's still in love with her. If she stays with this guy, she will always be second best. It's not the same thing if a guy said he loved being married. Now if he said he loved being married to his ex-wife, I'd find that rather unsettling.
TheGuard13 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 You all realize you're allowed to still love someone and not be in love with them, right? Just because you wish things had worked out doesn't mean the feelings you had for them will ever be the same. 2
iris219 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 You all realize you're allowed to still love someone and not be in love with them, right? Just because you wish things had worked out doesn't mean the feelings you had for them will ever be the same. This. ^ I wish things could have worked with my exes, even though I'm happily engaged. That doesn't mean I want to be with any of them nor would if I had the opportunity. I'm glad we're not together, but it's too bad we couldn't make it work or were the wrong people for each other. Listen to what he says and make sure he isn't actively pining away for her and hoping they will get back together if she gets clean. 2
TXGuy Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 You could see it as a red flag and dump the guy. Or you could see it as this is a guy that is looking for a serious relationship, possibly marriage and he is explaining why is is not married yet. Either one could be right. You never know.
TXGuy Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Would you say that there is no-one in your dating past that you wish things would have worked out with? If 'yes', I think that is a bigger red flag than 'no.' 1
mammasita Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I have many exes who looking back I feel like if I had known then what I know now things could have worked out and I might still be with them, but I don't wish now that things would have worked out with them because I wouldn't be with the person I'm with now. OP, you say his comment isn't about a recent ex. Has this addict ex perhaps been the reason none of his relationships since her have worked out? I have to go with the context of his statement "I wish a relationship would have worked out"......in other words he's still stuck on her and he hasn't met anyone that's knocked his socks off that can fill her shoes. If I were to say right now that I wish a relationship would have worked out with <insert anyone from my past>, for me, that would mean that my feelings for my man right now are literally nothing......and that is far from the truth. That said - red flag.
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 The red flag isn't so much that he feels that way (many people do), it's the fact he told his new love interest. He's either not that into you to risk upsetting you and making him doubt the relationship, or he's still into her so much that he doesn't care... Wait, those might be the same things... Either way, I would not proceed
Chocolat Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 OP, can you provide some context for this comment? It's really hard to analyze it based on the little you've posted. Could be a flag but could be nothing. 1
TXGuy Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 OP, can you provide some context for this comment? It's really hard to analyze it based on the little you've posted. Could be a flag but could be nothing. I agree. If he blurted it out of nowhere, red flag. If he was responding to one of your questions, then no red flag at all.
carhill Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 OP, did he share that he ended the relationship *because* she was an addict? Or? Concurrently, to provide context, is your past your past? If your heart is a deep ocean of secrets, perhaps about past ex'es, how does that reflect on the present day? How does it compare to, say, this disclosure you experienced? Editorially, I loved who I was when I was married and loved my now exW and have no problem saying that. Does that mean I carry a torch for her? No! It's called reflection and accepting how things *were*. Each moment of life, and each love, is *different*. Good luck! 2
BradJacobs Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Editorially, I loved who I was when I was married and loved my now exW and have no problem saying that. Does that mean I carry a torch for her? No! It's called reflection and accepting how things *were*. Each moment of life, and each love, is *different*. That's how what I say I hope comes off. There was a hard boundary of mine that she crossed which is the only reason that we're not together. I'm over a decade removed from it but I cop to my failures as much as what it was that broke us up. Still ... marriage (when it was good) was awesome and that's why I say what I do. I'm not afraid to admit that I want to experience that again; this time I'm more thorough about who I choose to do it with. 1
Author KatZee Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Would you say that there is no-one in your dating past that you wish things would have worked out with? If 'yes', I think that is a bigger red flag than 'no.' No, there isn't any guy that I've dated that I wish things could have worked out with. Why would this be a bigger red flag?
Author KatZee Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 I have many exes who looking back I feel like if I had known then what I know now things could have worked out and I might still be with them, but I don't wish now that things would have worked out with them because I wouldn't be with the person I'm with now. OP, you say his comment isn't about a recent ex. Has this addict ex perhaps been the reason none of his relationships since her have worked out? I have to go with the context of his statement "I wish a relationship would have worked out"......in other words he's still stuck on her and he hasn't met anyone that's knocked his socks off that can fill her shoes. If I were to say right now that I wish a relationship would have worked out with <insert anyone from my past>, for me, that would mean that my feelings for my man right now are literally nothing......and that is far from the truth. That said - red flag. I mean, me and this guy have been talking for just a month. Really nothing at all, we're just getting to know each other. He has had relationships after that girl, and they were long-term but have ended for whatever reason. We have this game where we ask each other anything, and we were on that subject and the question just kind of popped out of my mouth, and he answered it. I guess it's my fault for even asking such a dumb question but we've been so open about literally everything about each other. I don't believe he's still IN LOVE with her, but I can buy the idea that no one's lived up to her since. I know what that's like because that happened to me when I tried dating after my first love. I'm not even sure if it's worth pursuing and getting to know him better.
Author KatZee Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 I agree. If he blurted it out of nowhere, red flag. If he was responding to one of your questions, then no red flag at all. I straight out asked him.
Author KatZee Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 OP, did he share that he ended the relationship *because* she was an addict? Or? Concurrently, to provide context, is your past your past? If your heart is a deep ocean of secrets, perhaps about past ex'es, how does that reflect on the present day? How does it compare to, say, this disclosure you experienced? Editorially, I loved who I was when I was married and loved my now exW and have no problem saying that. Does that mean I carry a torch for her? No! It's called reflection and accepting how things *were*. Each moment of life, and each love, is *different*. Good luck! I believe from what he's said, that she BECAME a drug addict. She wasn't always one. He's told me that he wouldn't talk to anyone or pursue anyone if he still had feelings for or wasn't over someone else, that it wouldn't be fair to the woman. I'm pretty jaded and it's my knee jerk reaction to go, "ppffftttt. that's such BS." But who knows. Maybe he's being honest.
Under The Radar Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 He was honest with you when asked a direct question. To me, that's an admirable trait when we know how many people are dishonest about such things. If the woman in question was a recent ex I'd be much more concerned. I thought RedRobin's post was spot on ...... I'd proceed with caution rather than view it as a deal breaker ...... especially if he measures up aside from that one conversation. I don't think it makes him a commitment-phobe or a bad prospect. 2
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