Jiivy Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 My fiancee of 8 years (engaged for 2) recently left me at the time of huge emotional turmoil in her life. We're both 24, she's a PhD student and I'm a city professional. I can't tell if it's coming from depression or if she's genuinely changed. I'm hadling it badly and have no idea how to deal. We have been in a LDR for 8 years now and finally moved in 12 months ago. I come from a background in which my family disowned me for pursuing the relationship and our lives have often been met with some difficulty or conflict to overcome. She has a history of depression in her earlier days and self harmed for a long time. Unfortunately at the request of her University, she was asked to take on research at an institute in her home country (I'm English, she's French) a couple months back and I've not yet been able to find work over there to follow yet. During these past months she's become increasingly depressed and has been doubting the direction of her studies or the direction of her career. A few weeks ago her mother come close to death and spent significant time in an ICU. At the same time, I had arrived to visit her and she felt that she was beginning to doubt our relationship. Shortly after I had left, a close friend of hers also approached her and said they wanted a relationship if she was ready to dump me. She said that she might be interested. Over the past few weeks she's become increasinly closed off and reclusive - we've gone from talking & sharing every day on the phone for 8 years to almost a complete cut off. Fast forward to today - she's left me, although I've no idea if she is persuing this new relationship already and have a feeling this new person has timed their admission of love suspiciously well. She has for the most part cut herself off from me and seemingly most of the outside world. I can't tell if all of the different strains on her are finally causing her to break, or if she's truly drifting away. We had planned to marry later this year and move back together permanently. I have pretty much unravelled my mental health since and have been inflicting a lot of physical pain on myself...I am clearly not coping and have been unable to help myself call and message her (to little luck) desperately. I am convinced that this is a mistake and pretty much refuse to accept this has just faded. I cannot tell if this is her confusion & depression or something more.
mangetout Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Op I am sorry to hear your story. I can imagine you are in immense pain. As hard as this is, I think you need to give her some space. It seems like she is unsure about the direction of her life. If the two of you are meant to come back together then it will happen naturally. No amount of coaxing, talking etc is going to make her come back to you. She needs to make that decision on her own and it sounds like she wants to discover other things in her life for now. Its going to be a waiting game for a while. A painful one too. Fingers crossed it works out for you.
lolablue17 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 What did she say? Did she give you some blur explanations?
Author Jiivy Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 What did she say? Did she give you some blur explanations? She said she doesn't think she loves me - she hasn't explained. I think that being approached by someone else closer to her, with a proposal of another relationship at such a point - was really the thing that tipped it when you weigh up all the other uncertainties as well. Harder than any obstacle I've had to face to have her, is losing her. I was perfect to her - I genuinely believe it. There is a connection that I don't think I'll find in the same way with somebody else. I made my feelings about her choices clear and have acknowledged that I will do no more but leave space now. I'm now trying hard to keep a NC policy from here on. I'm going to look for professional help to come to terms with my own mental and physical abuses caused by this. I don't think it's as straight forward as just de-investing your life's happiness in somebody else and walking away. Not after all that I've lost and sold to get her. I can't yet see how this is something I'm meant to move on from - maybe I will, but today I just don't see it. I'll look to just tick along with life - keep my hope alive that she'll come back to me and maybe, someday in a place and time I'm not able to see yet I'll find someone else.
lolablue17 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Its realy sad. Telling your long term BF that you dont love him face to face, is very very difficult. And If she managed to say that, its probably true. its not confusion, its not depression, She just doesn't love you anymore. So its OVER for good. dont hope, dont wait, maintain full NC.
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