hART Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 The problem: My boyfriend and the other woman want to be friends. Reasons this could be okay: -she has a boyfriend -they aren't going to do anything (I'm 90% sure on this) -their feelings -they didn't got that far and things between them have changed. -maybe it is just friends Reasons it is not okay: -Their past together, something sexual could ensue -my feelings, why keep enemies close to the person I'm closest to. -fueling a potential romance -knowing she'll be waiting in the wings for us to break up. -my feelings, it brings me stress. -they didn't respect me before, why would that change now. The decision I made: No contact between the two of them. (at least until I have a moment to think about it). How they reacted: Waiting a month to make plans behind my back, then not following through on them. How I reacted to their reaction: Calling her and telling her not to call my phone anymore. How she reacted: Calling me and saying, "I don't know what the big deal is, he just wants to say hi" (she is a spoiled rich kid, who was never loved; according to my boyfriend). The new problem: Considering all of the above, is my decision fair? (yes, I understand I shouldn't have called her, but it's better then what I really wanted to do) Was my original decision of no contact too extreme? (I posted in the forum when I originally posted and a few people here backed me up) What I'm not ready to do: -break up. -let anything beyond friendship happen. -let myself be used or abused. -be unfair to anyone My conclusion: Stick to my guns and never give in, even if it means breaking up or them doing things behind my back. Any insights are welcome. Thank you!
tattoomytoe Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 ok, you are being used and abused...even if it is not a lot, your feeling are being hurt by the fact that he still sneaks contact withthis girl, and your trust is being used and abused. how can you not let anything else than friendship happen..... how would you know? and did you not only think they were friends a while ago anyways? i do empathize a lot. my bf cheated(kissed) w/ a girl he works with and sees all the time still too. he also says he has no interest in her..... and i have no proof he is lying, but i feel like i am not being told the truth to, so i am still in limbo....some days i am ready to dump him, other days i want to be with him. i am waiting until i HAVE to make a decision or until the decision is clear to me, and i accept it.
Merin Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 :Merin is bothered by the fact that you have 2 threads BOTH with the word submit: There is a big difference in finding "compromise" and compromising what makes you feel okay.. There is also a difference in "compromising" for the good of BOTH and "submitting" to anything that would make ONE PERSON feel insecure and not good.. Does this make any sense? Don't compromise on things that you cannot live with.. AND Don't submitt or subject yourself to things that don't feel okay for you. Good Luck
Author hART Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 That's the other problem, they started out as just friends. Everytime something happened, he'd confess the day of or the day after. I can sympathize with what you are said, it's unfortuate it was someone you guy works with . Each time something new happens I go through countless emotions and thoughts, including breaking up as well. thanks!
Author hART Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by Merin :Merin is bothered by the fact that you have 2 threads BOTH with the word submit: There is a big difference in finding "compromise" and compromising what makes you feel okay.. There is also a difference in "compromising" for the good of BOTH and "submitting" to anything that would make ONE PERSON feel insecure and not good.. Does this make any sense? Don't compromise on things that you cannot live with.. AND Don't submitt or subject yourself to things that don't feel okay for you. Good Luck Yes, there is a big difference between a compromise and submission. It sucks, because they both want me to submit and seem unwilling to compromise thier friendship (my boyfriend is a bit more understand then the girl). I think there must be a compromise, but not one I can agree with yet. thank you!
tattoomytoe Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 right....and is he worth all this crap that he is putting you through?
Author hART Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 He is worth it. He agreed to no contact. He called her yesterday and told her to stop calling my phone. If anything he would call her, with my permission. He is waiting for me to change my mind to tell her anything different. I am generally a fickle person, but this is something I'm not changing my mind on. He told me he is sorry about the whole thing and says it will never happen again. I guess I have to see if his actions match his words. I know he still wants to see if they could be friends again (meaning he isn't even sure why or if they should be friends again). I know he doesn't think anything will happen. He isn't interested in her, she is the one pushing for friendship. He just knew they had a connection and wanted to see if that emotional connection was still there. She obviously wants more than that. If they do something behind my back, I'm going to take a break from dating for a while. thank you for all your advice!
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