kanga Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Can someone -- specifically someones who are guys -- explain the disappearing act to me. When you're having fun, talking to, spending time with, maybe even going out on dates with someone, especially for a few months or more, and then that person suddenly stops calling, talking to you -- why does this happen? Why and how? Wouldn't it make more sense to *tell* the other person what's up? Can anyone share a past example of when they just stopped communicating with someone without any warning? How did it turn out?
tattoomytoe Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 it is usually because the person is too imature to handle other people's feelings....so instead of having to explain to others and themselves why they do what they do....they run away. be thankful he is gone, cut your losses and move on. you seem like a smart girl, who now knows what stupid idiots some people- not always just guys- can be. do not be soo negative about men.
Merin Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 There was this one time.. we were playing hide and go seek.. I said I would count to 100 and he should hide.. well in between 25 and 50 I saw someone else who caught my attention.. and yeah.. oops! JK JK JK JK Honestly, like TTMT said.. sometimes people are just not mature enough to tell another person straight up that they don't want to date them anymore.. and for them it's just easier (if you will) to disappear rather then have to tell them, they don't want to date anymore.. could be that they are afraid of how someone is going to react to that news.. could be they are embarrased.. or it could be that they are just a ****er.. IF someone does this to you though.. yeah probably a good thing to cut your looses early on then for them to disappear on you when you REALLY need them to have your back.. Good Luck with things..
alphamale Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by kanga Can someone -- specifically someones who are guys -- explain the disappearing act to me. When you're having fun, talking to, spending time with, maybe even going out on dates with someone, especially for a few months or more, and then that person suddenly stops calling, talking to you -- why does this happen? Why and how? Wouldn't it make more sense to *tell* the other person what's up? Can anyone share a past example of when they just stopped communicating with someone without any warning? How did it turn out? I have done this a few times (actullly more than a few) but here is how it works. You start dating some woman who you sorta like or are ambivalent about. you have fun togeher but it is not a be-all or end-all kinda relationship. you know, someone you can do with or without. also, one needs time to ascertain their feelings about the other person. usually I would pull the "disapearing act" when i was dating some new chick for 2 or 3 months and she fit the criteria above and she went off on me for something or started a fight adn I just said to myslef "this isn't worth it" and totally split never to see them or call them again. it is hard to do with a woman you really really like but not so hard to do with someone you are indifferent about. i guess it would happen when you meet some new chick and are hot for her but as the months pass the "hotness" gets cooler and cooler. it is easier to end it cold turkey than explain to the woman your feelings. it is never easy to tell someone that you just are not into them that much anymore.
Author kanga Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 that's just great. well, such is life i suppose. i was warned so many times about this guy whom i thought was so cool. and i never listened to those around me who told me he's not so much. thanks you three. i appreciate the perspective.
KANSAN Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 What alpha said, plus in my experiences the dumpee in these situations does'nt always take it too well you know you hurt me now I'm going to hurt you however possible. Not saying you're like that but maby he was'nt sure
Author kanga Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 And to think that I wasn't even sure if we were dating or whatnot. Ha! I guess this is a good way of knowing. It's especially weird because he doesn't seem like the disappearing type. And I have no idea what I could've done. And I have no plans to seek revenge or whatever. But I want him to stop my monthly birthday gift installments. I received one. That's enough.
masked_man Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Alpha male sums it up quite well. If you had reached the dating phase of a "relationship" though, offering some sort of even watered down explanation/excuse as to why you were not interested in proceeding would be helpful, though it doesn't happen often. At least there would be (I will use the word though is a bit strong in this sort of situation) "closure" or a boundary of some sort. If you think deeply enough though you can often find reasons why someone went off you. There was a girl I was flirting/chatting with a while back. Behind all of this I was having some big work and family problems, so wasn't always "focused". Ok, sure she didn't know any of that. I saw her one afternoon, and obvioulsy a bit miffed at me for being elusive (though that wasn't my intention) she was quite abrupt, and walked off in a huff. After that I just decided not to bother anymore.
alphamale Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 i would like to add something else here also... my feeling is that until the two people have had the dreaded "TALK" about what is going on that either party is free to split "at will" and without giving any reason. my reasoning for this is that you are not really a couple until you sit down and have a serious talk and you both say things are going ok and you want to continue seeing each other. up until this point either party can just walk away, no questions asked. i don't think many women understand this concept. most men do. some women think you are b/f-g/f after the third date even when no one has mentioned anything about your relationship. see whut ah mean verne??
Author kanga Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 I do see. And I agree. In my case, I hadn't thought of us as a real couple. We never had that talk. And maybe that's the reason I'm not hearing from him. We were totally on the verge of beign at a place where the talk was around the corner. And so, to avoid it, *tada* he's gone. Kind of sucky and immature. But understandable. I just don't get how he could have invested so much effort, money and time into me and just drop me. I've been blown off before after a date or two -- and I've done the same -- it's just never happened so much time.
Merin Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by kanga And I have no idea what I could've done. Don't stress over what YOU DID.. It's not worth the effort Girl. His loss.. When you can't think of anything you've done to have caused someone to be a rudeass then my feeling is.. you're okay, he's an assclown.. otherwise you start thinking about every little detail.. did he take this that way or whatever.. know what I mean? BOTTOMLINE.. REGARDLESS IF you've had that oh so special "talk" there isn't any excuse to be a rudeass and blow someone off when they haven't done anything to you.. so chalk it up to he's a ****er and move on to someone who has more back bone and manners.
katie79 Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 OMG! Not like I'm one to talk, since obviously I've had many problems. But holy sh*t! From women on LS, I see all of the same questions pointing to one thing=he's not crazy about you. It's getting obvious what it means to society when men do this. Yeah, it's nasty, but ahhh...what can 'ya do?? On the other hand, I think women do understand this disappearing act when they meet a man that's into them which they aren't too crazy about. Except when a woman does it, men consider her a tease and a cold b*tch. Not to sound sexist here, but when a man gets disappeared on, most of them cannot react well to it. Not only are their ego's shot, but some of them go psycho! I've seen it happen numerous times. How many girls have I known throughout my life who had done the disappearing act for what is viewed at as no apparent reason. The next thing ya hear is the guy gets nutty on her and things get scary. But still the finger gets pointed at her for being a "tease" or a "ice cold b*tch". Yet when guys do it, women are usually able to take it well (well, maybe not some!) and they'll cry on the phone with their girlfriends about it. The only thing that depresses me about LS is seeing all this sh*t about dating/etc. It sounds like if you are single today, you can never be happy and you always have to keep your guard up. Who the heak wants to fall in love now?? What's the point of even caring about someone you're dating?? They will most likely disappear anyhow. Sheesh! Women today really gotta read that book "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Why Men Love Bitches". Perhaps men wouldn't be so spoiled and women would waste their time on the famous magician with his "disappearing act". When I was single, there were a couple guys who did similar stuff...more like they'd ask for my number and never call or be very hot on the trail one day then vanish the next. For the most part, I found a good majority of these men came back around. By that point, I wouldn't bother. I was friendly, but when they asked me out again, I was too busy that week! Sorry!
alphamale Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by Merin BOTTOMLINE.. REGARDLESS IF you've had that oh so special "talk" there isn't any excuse to be a rudeass and blow someone off when they haven't done anything to you.. so chalk it up to he's a ****er and move on to someone who has more back bone and manners. I disagree with above. Michigan is considered an "at-will" dating state. Which means that until the dreaded "talk" occurs and a verbal agreement is made, both parties are dating "at-will". Meaning that either party can terminate the dating contract without prior consent or notification. See MERIN, the "talk" constitutes a verbal contract to date. Up until this verbal contract is created there is no contract to break, ergo either party is free to do as he or she pleases.
Author kanga Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 Yes, that's fine, alpha. And in terms of the "contract" (of which there is none), that's OK. BUT I gotta say that just dropping someone from your life ... especially when you were friends pre-dating and will probably be interacting again in the future because of mutual friends ... that's just weak. Especially if you're the kind of person who is otherwise blunt and honest with those around you. I'm just really, really surprised by this behavior. Especially in light of the recent events with birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, dinners and more.
Merin Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale I disagree with above. Michigan is considered an "at-will" dating state. Which means that until the dreaded "talk" occurs and a verbal agreement is made, both parties are dating "at-will". Meaning that either party can terminate the dating contract without prior consent or notification. See MERIN, the "talk" constitutes a verbal contract to date. Up until this verbal contract is created there is no contract to break, ergo either party is free to do as he or she pleases. IF I NEED to have a "talk" with someone about NOT being a rudeass ****er then damn.. could be just me.. but gonna have to PASS on that sh*t for real! While he is free to do as he wishes.. the same as she is because yeah they didn't have the "talk" about we are exclusive, we are dating whatever... it is still MY OPINION that there should NEVER be a reason or NEED to have a talk about "Hey, don't turn into a ****er mmmkkaaayy?" Since when do we get consent to be a ****er to other people?
Author kanga Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 We don't get consent. And that's why I think all this, "He's Just Not Into You" stuff is a lame and weak excuse to give men (and women, since they do it too) the OK to be a-holes about basic interpersonal communication. Yeah, sure, there's no commitment. There's no contract. But when you get to know someone -- at any level -- you never expect nor want them to just take off. And no one should be OK with that. No communication with some certainly is sending a message. But it's sad that our society has become OK and blase with the method.
Author kanga Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 So it's Tuesday, I move on and do things to keep me happy and busy. I come home and he soon logs on to IM. First time I saw that in six days. He soon contacts me and calls out using his personal nickname for me. I wrote back. He's been sick he tells me. He got my msgs, but he was too sick and too exhausted to write back. We chatted for about an hour, and I said I had to go to sleep, signing off first. I have no reason to not believe him. He has not lied to me before. I overreacted and jumped to conclusions. I can't believe I let myself get so worked up over this. My self-doubt and insecurities are going to kill this. But I'm glad I followed the advice of all of you who said to lay low. And as much as I wanted to say how much I had missed talking to him during the past few days -- I totally didn't. This coudl still be a bad thing with him. There's still this limbo that we're in. But that's a topic for another day and another time.
Author kanga Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 He's twice IMed me today. Once before going to work, once while at lunch at an Internet cafe. Soooooo ..... Wow. I'm such a doofus. Seriously, people, I need to stop to over-reacting.
iceisles Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by kanga He's twice IMed me today. Once before going to work, once while at lunch at an Internet cafe. Soooooo ..... Wow. I'm such a doofus. Seriously, people, I need to stop to over-reacting. I over-react so much that someone should shoot me in the ass with a tranquilizer.
Merin Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by kanga He's twice IMed me today. Once before going to work, once while at lunch at an Internet cafe. Soooooo ..... Wow. I'm such a doofus. Seriously, people, I need to stop to over-reacting. <<< Would still be p ssed .. I still think it was sucky for him to do nothing at all for that long.. but thats just me.. unless he was sh*tting himself while throwing up for days on end.. then yeah.. I still think it wouldn't have been the final straw of health for him to have called you, IMed you to say "I'm sick.. call you later" None the less.. I'm glad you're feeling better about things
iceisles Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I still think it was sucky for him to do nothing at all for that long I agree. Always look for effort, and don't accept lame attempts at it.
Author kanga Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 I know. I know. I think the same thing that he still could've emailed a quickie about being sick. In December, I had a nasty throat infection that kept me out of the office for two days. I could barely speak and I wanted to cry with each swallow. Yet, I managed to call him and continue the IMs. BUT, I don't know the situation. Our last few interactions were awkward. And I was gone for a few days. And he could be a big wuss about being sick. He could be one of those people who want no contact with the world when they are feeling crappy. Who really knows. I can over think this to death. But for now, I'll just be appreciative of the return. Maybe one day -- if the notorious "talk" ever happens and the so-called verbal contract is made -- I'll bring this incident up. But otherwise, unless it does come up from him, I think it's best to let it go. I mean, I really don't want him to know how much upset I was going through about not hearing from him, right? That's just showing a super needy side that it's better not to show, right?
iceisles Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by kanga I mean, I really don't want him to know how much upset I was going through about not hearing from him, right? That's just showing a super needy side that it's better not to show, right? This is what has been repeatedly drilled into my head. Apparently showing weakness, even if backed by good intentions, is a bad thing. If at some point he says "I've missed talking to you" then of course you can chime in then.
Merin Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Yah know at this point the 2 of you are talking again and you're happy.. So yeah.. let it go and don't start flaking on why he didn't do this or that.. BUT do be aware girl.. don't let this guy start thinking he has YOUR consent to be a ****er because you haven't had the "Talk" okay? Just be cautious;)
Author kanga Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Merin don't let this guy start thinking he has YOUR consent to be a ****er because you haven't had the "Talk" okay? AMEN!
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