enchanted771 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 My one friend has this very strict rule about this. She does not initiate any phone calls/texts. At least until they are exclusive 2-3 months down the road. She also doesn't respond 30% of the time. She may ignore him for a day. In some ways, I think this works, but I have mixed feelings about it. I did that myself, and the guy was acting better. That is, until I started initiating texts again, then he started acting arrogant again. If a guy is into you, would that really cause him to back off? What is everyone's opinion on this? I always had a hard time waiting, but then again I never got the outcome I wanted.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 My general opinion is that your friend's rules are game-playing. Balance is key. He initiates sometimes, you initiate sometimes. I don't understand why some people feel the need to complicate this and apply "rules" to communication. 6
babycakees Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 There should never be any "rules" to communication. It should happen naturally. If it doesn't, there are already red flags in the relationship/future relationship. 2
Leegh Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I think it is a fine line, so to speak. If a woman acts too eager that can be a turn-off and also if she is too unavailable, he may think she doesn't like him, and he may stop calling. I guess it's a catch-22. I don't really know what to say because I have had bad luck with guys, but I would be a little more unavailable than available. At the very least I would not reply to him immediately; by text, email, phone, etc. There is something about not knowing how the other person feels that adds interest in early dating, so I would say your friend is mostly correct. Good Luck
Ruby Slippers Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I also don't initiate any contact in the early stages, but it's rude to ignore people, so I never do that. I think not initiating contact early on is a good way to screen out guys who aren't that interested or don't know how to go after what they want. Once I get more involved with a guy, we usually discuss these matters, and everyone I've had a relationship with told me he likes that I let him do the pursuing and initiating, as they consider that a natural part of being a man and showing interest in a woman. 2
Author enchanted771 Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 I think it is a fine line, so to speak. If a woman acts too eager that can be a turn-off and also if she is too unavailable, he may think she doesn't like him, and he may stop calling. I guess it's a catch-22. I don't really know what to say because I have had bad luck with guys, but I would be a little more unavailable than available. At the very least I would not reply to him immediately; by text, email, phone, etc. There is something about not knowing how the other person feels that adds interest in early dating, so I would say your friend is mostly correct. Good Luck I have the opposite problem...too available which I am trying to change. Seems I was available too much at last minute, so then whomever I was with would think he could see me whenever he wants.
Author enchanted771 Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 My general opinion is that your friend's rules are game-playing. Balance is key. He initiates sometimes, you initiate sometimes. I don't understand why some people feel the need to complicate this and apply "rules" to communication. Have to say I agree for the most part. However, when the guy starts behaving badly then I back off. When he contacts me again in a few days, then he is acting better 9 times out of 10.
J21 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 It's not a science and there isn't really a hard set of rules sorta speak. To answer your question simply, it really depends you, the guy, and the situation. If after the first date, you had a nice time. Some casual texts once a day or every few days is fine. He should not be blowing up your phone, and you should not be either. Let's be real, it was only ONE date. Maybe after 2-3 genuinely good dates with him, you can start warming up and the contact can come more frequent. (Keep in mind we're still not blowing up anyone's phone yet). It also depends on how comfortable you guys are with each other. Take turns initiating so the guy knows you're interested. If two very shy people met, it would take longer I imagine. Anyways, your friend's rule sounds like she's playing them. 2-3 months is pretty long time to be pulling that stuff. She expects guys to not lose interest after never initiating anything AND ignoring 30% of their communications for up to 3 months? I don't know what kinda low self esteem guys she is baiting (aka "OMG SHE'S NOT RETURNING MY TEXT AHH MY LIFE IS OVER"), but I'd be on to the next pretty quick if someone pulled that on me. 3
babycakees Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I have the opposite problem...too available which I am trying to change. Seems I was available too much at last minute, so then whomever I was with would think he could see me whenever he wants. Me too. I do this far too frequently. It only sets me up to being a doormat. Last guy I was dating, I was available every time he called or text me to do something. I've learned my lesson though about this. I need to let the guy sit there and wonder what I'm up to every once in awhile.
ctxinfl Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 My one friend has this very strict rule about this. She does not initiate any phone calls/texts. At least until they are exclusive 2-3 months down the road. She also doesn't respond 30% of the time. She may ignore him for a day. In some ways, I think this works, but I have mixed feelings about it. I did that myself, and the guy was acting better. That is, until I started initiating texts again, then he started acting arrogant again. If a guy is into you, would that really cause him to back off? What is everyone's opinion on this? I always had a hard time waiting, but then again I never got the outcome I wanted. I'd dump your friend in a heartbeat. A relationship is a two-way street. Playing games after 2 - 3 months is childish and arrogant. I absolutely love it when women I'm seeing initiate contact with me. It shows they give a damn. 1
gaius Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If a woman ignored my texts 30% of the time she'd stop hearing from me 30% of the time. But Ruby nailed it as well, you shouldn't be the one initiating at first. Just give positive vibes back when he does.
pickflicker Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) My one friend has this very strict rule about this. She does not initiate any phone calls/texts. At least until they are exclusive 2-3 months down the road. She also doesn't respond 30% of the time. She may ignore him for a day. In some ways, I think this works, but I have mixed feelings about it. I did that myself, and the guy was acting better. That is, until I started initiating texts again, then he started acting arrogant again. If a guy is into you, would that really cause him to back off? What is everyone's opinion on this? I always had a hard time waiting, but then again I never got the outcome I wanted. I never ignore a man who texts/calls, I always respond. But I don't initiate. That part does work. A good rule of thumb is this: a man pursues. He asks you out, he plans the date, he pays for the meal, he follows up. Your job, is to be enthusiastic and grateful. Edited March 7, 2014 by pickflicker
clia Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I never ignore a man who texts/calls, I always respond. But I don't initiate. That part does work. A good rule of thumb is this: a man pursues. He asks you out, he plans the date, he pays for the meal, he follows up. Your job, is to be enthusiastic and grateful. You better get ready to duck and cover! I totally agree. I don't think it's good when you are consciously mapping out your contact with a guy. For me, that is when it evolves into game playing. As in..."He texted me, and I'm going to wait 3.2 hours to text him back because I don't want to appear too eager." Or "I'm purposely going to not answer the phone so he thinks I'm out doing something when really I am sitting around bored surfing the Internet." The whole point behind these types of "Rules" is merely that you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for a guy to ask you out or to call you. You should have a life. Because of this, you are somewhat unpredictable. You aren't blowing up his phone with texts and calls because you are busy and out doing other things. Sometimes you are able to text him back right away; other times you might be out doing something so it might be a few hours. But you aren't making it a conscious "game." You aren't intentionally ignoring a guy. If it makes sense to contact him first, you contact him first. You just have a full life and that translates into your communication style with him -- you aren't always available immediately. Does that make sense? 4
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If a guy is into you, he'll be thrilled to hear from you, not turned off. I don't want a guy that plays games or values the chase more than the prize so I'm just myself. I contact when I want to. Obviously texting constantly with sparse replies is really weird and looks quite desperate but unless you're going to that extent, text away.
Noproblem Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Well, it's simple If you are more eager to talk to him, than he is ... He'll get bored and leave you..... Just don't make him your whole life Have a life and enjoy it while contacting him from time to time I mean you don't need to text him every other hour and you surely, can miss some of his texts from time to time! But don't make it a habit to ignore him ...30% of the time is kind of rude ... 60% is more right I guess.... Like seriously, if he is in a problem or sad ..You shouldn't ignore him! That's just selfish ..and at the same time you really don't need to reply to him all the time ...
BradJacobs Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 An ex tried this on me thinking that three months into a relationship she could adopt some rules on communication in order to get me to come around more. I found someone who knew how to tell me that without trying to manipulate me with push/pull mechanics. I don't think she realized how insulting this sort of behavior was to me.
Tayken Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 My one friend has this very strict rule about this. She does not initiate any phone calls/texts. At least until they are exclusive 2-3 months down the road. She also doesn't respond 30% of the time. She may ignore him for a day. In some ways, I think this works, but I have mixed feelings about it. I did that myself, and the guy was acting better. That is, until I started initiating texts again, then he started acting arrogant again. If a guy is into you, would that really cause him to back off? What is everyone's opinion on this? I always had a hard time waiting, but then again I never got the outcome I wanted. Your friend is playing games...how is that working out for her? I mean in this day and age, if you like someone and there is a sign that they do also...why not just be adult about it and ditch the head games? I particular won't partake in this kind of nonsense, and those that have tried that with me in the past, and found out that it doesn't work on me.
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