Hello_is_it_me Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 So we've been exclusive for a few weeks now. She was upfront in telling me who this fwb guy was and I guess once her and I decided to be exclusive she told him that she's off the market. They seemed to connect pretty well but maybe the issue of the guy being old (he has kids near my gf's age) made them leave it at just fwb's..? Not sure. Never cared enough to ask. My issue here (and it might be me being petty lol) is that she constantly likes and or comments on almost all his fbook posts/pictures. Like around 80% of what he posts. She doesn't seem to do this amount for any of her other fb friends. So yeah. I can be a little jealous sometimes. Within reason, though. But it's like.. I'm ok with them being friends and all. It's just the constant "communication" just is a little weird. It makes me feel that door in her life isn't completely closed yet. So I look at it as a "respect" thing. I'm not one to set ultimatums or tell people what to do. People should be who they are. And the sig other can then choose to take it or leave it. Maybe her and I just have different boundaries. I will add that she kind of has a free love vibe going on. Not swinger-ish but on the flip side if roles were reversed I really don't think she'd be getting jealous. So just an interesting set up I've got going on lol. Should I just chalk this up as a tiny red flag, not bring it up at all, and give her time?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 So we've been exclusive for a few weeks now. She was upfront in telling me who this fwb guy was and I guess once her and I decided to be exclusive she told him that she's off the market. They seemed to connect pretty well but maybe the issue of the guy being old (he has kids near my gf's age) made them leave it at just fwb's..? Not sure. Never cared enough to ask. My issue here (and it might be me being petty lol) is that she constantly likes and or comments on almost all his fbook posts/pictures. Like around 80% of what he posts. She doesn't seem to do this amount for any of her other fb friends. So yeah. I can be a little jealous sometimes. Within reason, though. But it's like.. I'm ok with them being friends and all. It's just the constant "communication" just is a little weird. It makes me feel that door in her life isn't completely closed yet. So I look at it as a "respect" thing. I'm not one to set ultimatums or tell people what to do. People should be who they are. And the sig other can then choose to take it or leave it. Maybe her and I just have different boundaries. I will add that she kind of has a free love vibe going on. Not swinger-ish but on the flip side if roles were reversed I really don't think she'd be getting jealous. So just an interesting set up I've got going on lol. Should I just chalk this up as a tiny red flag, not bring it up at all, and give her time? Honestly, this would be my biggest concern. It may be that you two have different views on exclusivity. If you're not comfortable with her vibe, as you put it (and what do you mean by that, exactly?) I would imagine a relationship will be challenging. You could perhaps just be direct and ask her how often she still communicates with this man. Also, you assume that she told him she's off the market; why not ask her to confirm that? It would give you a little more clarification.
Author Hello_is_it_me Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 Honestly, this would be my biggest concern. It may be that you two have different views on exclusivity. If you're not comfortable with her vibe, as you put it (and what do you mean by that, exactly?) I would imagine a relationship will be challenging. You could perhaps just be direct and ask her how often she still communicates with this man. Also, you assume that she told him she's off the market; why not ask her to confirm that? It would give you a little more clarification. No I trust she knows what being exclusive is and that she would stand by it. She seems to stick to her values. And she was the one who first proposed the being exclusive thing. It was a few days later that she ran into her fwb at the local bar and then she told me a day later that she told him about me.
truth_seeker Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I wouldn't trust her. I think you should be casual with her and find someone more stable and trust worthy. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 No I trust she knows what being exclusive is and that she would stand by it. She seems to stick to her values. And she was the one who first proposed the being exclusive thing. It was a few days later that she ran into her fwb at the local bar and then she told me a day later that she told him about me. Alright, then. In that case, I don't think you need to worry? But I would still ask her how often they communicate. It sounds as though they're still in touch
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Sounds like she still has a thing for him. 1
kaylan Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 fwb her and find somepne else tobe exclusive with Agree with this. I would have put my foot down, and if she didnt comply, Id be gone. Hell, actually I wouldnt have even given her a chance. A good woman and the right girl for me would know better than to do what your gf is doing OP. 2
Author Hello_is_it_me Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 If I bring it up I bet I'll get the "i can't believe you are stalking my fbook!" or "you're being jealous" schtick.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If I bring it up I bet I'll get the "i can't believe you are stalking my fbook!" or "you're being jealous" schtick. Then you bring up the "I can't believe you're all over your former sex partner's FB page" schtick.
babycakees Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 You've just become exclusive and there's already a red flag. This is not good. I'm on your side though. I completely understand why there would be the sense of jealousy. I think you should reevaluate whether you and her should be exclusive.
kaylan Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If I bring it up I bet I'll get the "i can't believe you are stalking my fbook!" or "you're being jealous" schtick. Have some sack and just dump her. 1
oldshirt Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 The problem with the "free love" type of people is everything is fine as long as they are completely happy and satisfied and entertained and everything is going great all the time. The problem is if there are ever any problems or she ever gets bored or ever feels lonely or neglected or whatever, she has a nice warm bed she welcome to crawl into any time she wants and it ain't yours. If you can guarantee that you'll never leave her feeling bored, neglected, angry, annoyed or not entertained at any point forever then you should be ok. otherwise, she is keeping him warmed up and ready to go on a moment's notice as a backup if you don't take care of all of her whims 100% of the time. 3
oldshirt Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 ..... so basically she is going to be exclusive as long as exclusive is fun and doesn't cost her anything. Once it gets so it's not fun anymore or she feels it's costing her more than she wants to deal with she'll have someone to keep her warm and taken care of untill she finds her next BF. Go ahead and have fun for awhile if you want. Just don't bet the farm on anything.
Author Hello_is_it_me Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 ..... so basically she is going to be exclusive as long as exclusive is fun and doesn't cost her anything. Once it gets so it's not fun anymore or she feels it's costing her more than she wants to deal with she'll have someone to keep her warm and taken care of untill she finds her next BF. Go ahead and have fun for awhile if you want. Just don't bet the farm on anything. I dunno. I mean I asked her before if she would just like to remain friends and just have "fun" as she pleases. Not be locked down lol. But she was the one pressing to become a couple. So I dunno. Just a matter of someone wanting their cake and eating it too.
babycakees Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I dunno. I mean I asked her before if she would just like to remain friends and just have "fun" as she pleases. Not be locked down lol. But she was the one pressing to become a couple. So I dunno. Just a matter of someone wanting their cake and eating it too. You realize this but still stay with her?! 1
lolablue17 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) I had the same issue with my wife at the beginning of our relationship. In my case she had a few fwb's but one particular. We had many fights about him because my wife and him were a part of a group of friends since highschool. My claim was that i felt somehow that she and him are for ever, while me and her is maybe temporary (you dont break up from your highschool buddies). We broke up for only a week in the beginning and got back together quickly, but in that week she slept with him once. So i told her that if she keep hanging out with him i feel that every time we will have a fight or some thing it is very easy for her with him with no obstacles. I prefer he was an Ex, because with an Ex you get a feeling that there was something and its OVER. I feel more secure with an EX. not like with FWB. She said that its not fair because I'm separating her from her friends. all of them. I never put any ultimatum or demands but every time she met him I was so frustrated and miserable, so after few month she cut all of them off because she loved me very much. Even on these days she always blames me that she doesn't have enough friends because I cut her from her friends many years ago. :-) But it doesnt mean she is a cheater. my wife is not a cheater at all. I advise you to talk to her but put the blame on you. say that you happened to notice that they are in a constant connection. You trust her but too much bonding makes you stressed and insecure. Dont ask her anything, just tell her how you feel with no blaming tone. If she will decrease communication with him it will be her initiation, not yours... Edited March 7, 2014 by lolablue17
kaylan Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) ^Good luck bro. No offense, but I wouldnt marry a woman like your wife. Shes basically chose another man over your initially when she ran to screw that guy right after your breakup. Nevermind her inability to choose your relationship over a friendship with a guy she used to bang. I couldnt reconcile that. But if things work out for you, good. Just keep an eye out. Women are better at hiding cheating then men. And trust me...if a woman resents you from keeping her from her friends, I can see it becoming an issue in the future and a reason to stray. Stay watchful bro. Your situation and OPs is exactly why I find out in the casual dating stage if a woman stays in contact with her exes or former flings. I lightly let it be known that I dont do that usually because it might cause drama for girls I really like. If she cant take the hint, she will forever be just a friend or a fvk buddy at most. No need for potential drama with a chick who cant leave men of her past in the past. Edited March 7, 2014 by kaylan
kaylan Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I think men love bitches and cheaters. Dumb men loves b!tches and cheaters.
oldshirt Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I had the same issue with my wife at the beginning of our relationship. In my case she had a few fwb's but one particular. We had many fights about him because my wife and him were a part of a group of friends since highschool. My claim was that i felt somehow that she and him are for ever, while me and her is maybe temporary (you dont break up from your highschool buddies). We broke up for only a week in the beginning and got back together quickly, but in that week she slept with him once. So i told her that if she keep hanging out with him i feel that every time we will have a fight or some thing it is very easy for her with him with no obstacles. I prefer he was an Ex, because with an Ex you get a feeling that there was something and its OVER. I feel more secure with an EX. not like with FWB. She said that its not fair because I'm separating her from her friends. all of them. I never put any ultimatum or demands but every time she met him I was so frustrated and miserable, so after few month she cut all of them off because she loved me very much. Even on these days she always blames me that she doesn't have enough friends because I cut her from her friends many years ago. :-) But it doesnt mean she is a cheater. my wife is not a cheater at all. I advise you to talk to her but put the blame on you. say that you happened to notice that they are in a constant connection. You trust her but too much bonding makes you stressed and insecure. Dont ask her anything, just tell her how you feel with no blaming tone. If she will decrease communication with him it will be her initiation, not yours... ^^^^ this is kind of a firsthand account of what I am talking about. ^^^^ With any problems or issues or any fights or anything that pops up, she'll have a warm bed waiting for her. Now to be fair, any fairly cute chick can get into bed with anyone if things get rocky in their primary relationship. The issue with this gal is she is keeping that burner real warm and available on a moment's notice. Should anything rub her wrong, she has a nice warm, soft landing pad to land on that is a simple phone call away. A gal that doesn't keep a FWB warmed up on deck will at least hav e to go to a bar, get drunk and take her chances that a suitable hook up will be there or not.
lolablue17 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) ^Good luck bro. No offense, but I wouldnt marry a woman like your wife. Shes basically chose another man over your initially when she ran to screw that guy right after your breakup. Nevermind her inability to choose your relationship over a friendship with a guy she used to bang. I wasn't like that... We were only 5-6 days together, and I broke up with her because of a long story, but basically in order to go back to my EX). and after few days I understood that I made a big big mistake and asked her to take me back. So you can't blame her for nothing. And she blames me today because she didnt go to a reunion event of her highschool because he will be there too and she didnt want to get any "faces" from me - we are talking about more then 20 years ago... Edited March 7, 2014 by lolablue17
oldshirt Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I dunno. I mean I asked her before if she would just like to remain friends and just have "fun" as she pleases. Not be locked down lol. But she was the one pressing to become a couple. So I dunno. Just a matter of someone wanting their cake and eating it too. Cakeeaters typically have a primary relationship for security and comfort and then have extra on the side. She may not be an actual cheater at the moment but she is maintaining a safetynet for back up. If she's not cheating, she's not cheating so it's really not a cheating issue per se. Maybe a better way to look at it is to recognize that there is a difference between 'exclusive' and commitment. As long as she's keeping him warmed up on deck she's definately NOT committed. She may be exclusive until she decides she does not rant to be exclusive anymore. That may be tomorrow, next week, next month, Memorial Day weekend, whatever. She'll be fine as long as things are going well. It's when there's a bump in the road that she'll cash in on the FWB. You can date her and have fun with her, there's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. My advice is don't make someone your priority when you are simply the option of the day today. If she's going to keep people warmed up on deck and keep her options open, I suggest you do the same.
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