candyharlot Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and plan on being together for a long long time. However, he doesn't want us to move in together yet. I completely understand his reasoning for it (his ex moved in with him way too fast and he really regretted it after the fact). Honestly, there's a large part of me that doesn't feel ready for that yet either since I'm far younger than him and I'm just now getting out on my own...but I'm still upset about the whole thing. I think it's because there is also a part of me that does want to live with him. Even if it's not the logical part. How can I get past this? He is in the process of moving in and I can't even stand to be inside of the place. I don't want to help him move. I don't want anything to do with it. I feel like a horrible person for not being supportive about this because I know he's really excited. He invited two of our mutual friends to become his roommates (both guys) and I am feeling a bit resentful of them as well. I just have a lot of mixed feelings about everything. One thing that is bothering me is that we are in an open relationship and he has no way to keep that private any more. His roommates (and our friends) are going to be seeing the girls he is sleeping with. I already discussed this with him and it just started a fight, one that ended with him kicking me out of his new house because he was so angry. That did not help matters in the least. I need my feelings to stop but it just keeps getting worse. I don't know what to do. Any advice? Thanks in advance.
pickflicker Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Your relationship is open. In my opinion, the trade off to be upset by these things is monogamy. Also, you don't want people to know that you're in an open relationship. Seems like 8 months in, this thing is way too dysfunctional. Whose idea was the open relationship? 3
Noproblem Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Your relationship is open. In my opinion, the trade off to be upset by these things is monogamy. Also, you don't want people to know that you're in an open relationship. Seems like 8 months in, this thing is way too dysfunctional. Whose idea was the open relationship? I'll venture and say his! 4
Leigh 87 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 You're upset about him not wanting to move in with you, yet you are fine with him sleeping with other women? You DO know that open relationships are, 99% of the time, because a guy is not in love with you enough to commit? Are you SURE he would still want an "open relationship" with a girl who knocked his socks off? 3
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Your relationship is open. In my opinion, the trade off to be upset by these things is monogamy. Also, you don't want people to know that you're in an open relationship. Seems like 8 months in, this thing is way too dysfunctional. Whose idea was the open relationship? I was going to ask the same question. It seems that this might be at the root of this problem, not the house. OP, are you also dating other men? Or is this a one-sided open relationship? There's quite a lot of unhappiness for 8 months in.
Leigh 87 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 It's nearly always the guy who wants the open relationship. There are individuals who are genuinely happier when they don't have to be monogamous. Some people are just not wired to be monogamous, combined with many environmental factors there are a lot of variables that make people inclined to favour multiple partners (just think about the sociopaths and psychopaths to name but a few of the types of people who lack feelings in general). I have just seen a lot of cases where the guy is not 100% in love with the girl and therefore assumes that an open relationship is the healthier option; some men think most guys would secretly favour open relationships. Then they meet a girl who takes their breath away and they think " so this is it; I am not truly into open relationships after all"
OhThatGirl Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I understand the feelings of knowing you're not ready to live together yet feeling pain that it's not going to happen. Chances are this has very little to do with living together and is just a small sample of the overall "he isn't in this as much as I am" syndrome. Been there. And it sucks. But... How could you even consider living with someone with whom you have an open relationship? If you're not OK with others knowing that he is sleeping with other women (they know, he's told them undoubtedly) how could you yourself watch as women parade in and out of not only HIS house but also YOURS?!? I'm willing to put large amounts of money (which I can't be frivolous with now that I just bought a new car) on a bet that says whether you're recognizing it or not this arrangement is simply not working for you. Having your needs met is absolutely crucial and it sounds like he's not able to do so. You've got one thing right. You're not ready to live together. You said you're just getting out on your own yourself and he's older. Listen to this carefully: get out on your own (or with female roommates), learn to be the best self sufficient and independent woman you can be. It is going to be immensely useful in your self worth and confidence. You need to have some time on your own two feet developing your own habits between your family home and living with a guy. You haven't told us much with this thread but it has the overall feeling of he's not giving you nearly enough of what you need or deserve. Just because he's older doesn't mean he's wiser, better, more experienced, or knows better. If he has already had a live in girlfriend and you're just getting out on your own, I'm willing to bet (again, precious resources here) that there's significance to this age difference. How big is the difference?
Author candyharlot Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 WOW, I never anticipated that I'd run into so many negative reactions to the fact that I'm in an open relationship, not to mention some utterly heinous beliefs and assumptions about open relationships in general. 1) Surprise! We mutually decided we would have an open relationship when we started dating. I also sleep with other people, and as a matter of fact I actually have more partners than he does. I'm also more of a private person than he is. 2) I am stunned that some of you seem to think that just because we aren't monogamous, that he isn't committed. Could you be any more insulting or close minded? The decision to keep it open is for our mutual benefit, not because either of us has to have other people to sleep with in order to be happy. We could certainly be monogamous if we wanted to, but we enjoy being able to have fun with other people. The issue I had was more of a privacy concern than anything else. We have since talked more about it and are fine now. Only two of these replies were even somewhat helpful (thank you for those.) The others were just plain rude. 1
melell Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 The type of relationship has little to do with what your post is about. It is about being hurt about him not wanting to live together- it is about the gesture? I think that he just isn't quite ready, and that is fine. Sometimes I am not ready for things, and I really appreciate others being understanding. On the flip side, sometimes I want things, where others do not, and it does bother me! It is all completely natural for you to be feeling this way. Regardless of the type of relationship you are in- you would like him to want to live with you, and he isn't quite there yet. It is bummer, but it is just one of those things where two people are on different pages- I think if you work through it you will be fine. Don't take offensive from the comments about the open relationship. Some people cannot separate the physical from the emotional- personally I believe you can be emotionally committed to one person while being physically intimate with others. I actually have a close friend who manages this just fine. The type of relationship has little to do with what your post is about.
darkmoon Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) it just started a fight, one that ended with him kicking me out of his new house because he was so angry. That did not help matters in the least. kicking you out? a red flag, no way to treat you, ok, argue if you must, but you just got silenced on the quick, shut-up and eff off, I would be careful of him he gets nasty, besides you might end up being the cleaner in a home you do not own, playing freebie housekeeper all for the glory of love Edited March 7, 2014 by darkmoon
kaylan Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 OP be realistic. What man in an open relationship is going to want you to live with him? He needs his space so he can bed other women. 10
Leigh 87 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 WOW, I never anticipated that I'd run into so many negative reactions to the fact that I'm in an open relationship, not to mention some utterly heinous beliefs and assumptions about open relationships in general. 1) Surprise! We mutually decided we would have an open relationship when we started dating. I also sleep with other people, and as a matter of fact I actually have more partners than he does. I'm also more of a private person than he is. 2) I am stunned that some of you seem to think that just because we aren't monogamous, that he isn't committed. Could you be any more insulting or close minded? The decision to keep it open is for our mutual benefit, not because either of us has to have other people to sleep with in order to be happy. We could certainly be monogamous if we wanted to, but we enjoy being able to have fun with other people. The issue I had was more of a privacy concern than anything else. We have since talked more about it and are fine now. Only two of these replies were even somewhat helpful (thank you for those.) The others were just plain rude. I apologise for making assumptions. I don't know your partner and I was wrong to tell you that he isn't all that crazy about you. I actually faced the same thing with my ex... he wanted to sleep with hookers and have online sex with hundreds of women. At first I thought it was perfectly reasonable to expect that there are simply some men/women out there who are not ideally happy being monogamous. After all, there is a lot of evidence to suggest that humans are not naturally that way inclined to just mate with one partner for their entire rest of their lives! Even I once thought that it felt bizarre to me to just stick with one partner for years at a time and possibly the rest of your life, when it seemed MORE natural and ideal to explore more than one person during a lifetime. Then I realised that my ex was simply not in love with me; he really loved me as a person and he LOVED spending all his time with me but he was not passionate about me in a romantic sense. He met the right woman after me, as I suspected he would, and he is properly into her in a romantic way and he would never want to cheat or be sexual with other women. It was just ME he wanted to sleep around on. I also hear from a very experienced man on this website that he had had a lot of people confide in him that they once thought open relationships were ideal until they met "the one" and fell madly in love with the right woman. I know there are people who thrive on more open style relationships, but it is just very rare for these relationships to last.. A member on this site who has witness a lot of open style relationships first hand professes to know that most of them don't last and only ONE set of couples she knows of actually lasted in their open relationships; they were poly, you know, where they all lived in the same home and shared the husband. While it is not necessarily the true nature of some people to remain faithful, it is also in our nature to catch feelings for other people whom we are close to. I hope you guys figure it out, it sounds like you are happy and that is all that matters. Sorry for offending you. 1
BradJacobs Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Why are you worried about being outted as a polyamorous couple?
isisisweeping Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 OP be realistic. What man in an open relationship is going to want you to live with him? He needs his space so he can bed other women. My ex husband is in a poly relationship and living with a woman. It's very not uncommon in the poly community. Not my community - that's why we're not together, but I know enough through him to know that. But there's really no keeping poly a secret in your social life, OP.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 OP you seem terribly defensive for someone that is "fine" with having an open relationship. You also seem to want to keep it a secret. Another sign that you are not "fine". 4
Leigh 87 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Some people like to keep their sex life private. I see nothing wrong with not wanting to freely admit to people that you are engaging in certain behaviours. They have to understand that there is a risk of people finding out; if he is to sleep with a girl that knows one of his friends and the girl tells his friend and they connect the dots, for instance. I think it seems fine to not want the guy to bring numerous girls home for all to see and, likely, "hear" through sex (walls can be thin!) 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 OP you seem terribly defensive for someone that is "fine" with having an open relationship. You also seem to want to keep it a secret. Another sign that you are not "fine". I dunno, I do think some people are totally fine with it. I know I was at the time with my ex. I honestly didn't believe it had anything to do with how he felt about me. I still suspect there are men who can be in open relationships and they will never change; I was just with a guy who DID change after me when he met a girl he genuinely fell in love with. The OP'S guy may not fall into the category of my ex, and he may always thrive in open relationships. But yeah, it is basic human nature to develop feelings for people who you sleep with and spend time with.......... 1
pickflicker Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 WOW, I never anticipated that I'd run into so many negative reactions to the fact that I'm in an open relationship, not to mention some utterly heinous beliefs and assumptions about open relationships in general. 1) Surprise! We mutually decided we would have an open relationship when we started dating. I also sleep with other people, and as a matter of fact I actually have more partners than he does. I'm also more of a private person than he is. 2) I am stunned that some of you seem to think that just because we aren't monogamous, that he isn't committed. Could you be any more insulting or close minded? The decision to keep it open is for our mutual benefit, not because either of us has to have other people to sleep with in order to be happy. We could certainly be monogamous if we wanted to, but we enjoy being able to have fun with other people. The issue I had was more of a privacy concern than anything else. We have since talked more about it and are fine now. Only two of these replies were even somewhat helpful (thank you for those.) The others were just plain rude. But he's not "committed". And there is no judgment the open relationship, just what your expectations are. Like kaylan said, he'll be bedding other women. In his new home. So...why do you want to move in? You want the relationship private, so he's not asked you move in. I'm unable to see the problem you're having.
OhThatGirl Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 WOW, I never anticipated that I'd run into so many negative reactions to the fact that I'm in an open relationship, not to mention some utterly heinous beliefs and assumptions about open relationships in general. 1) Surprise! We mutually decided we would have an open relationship when we started dating. I also sleep with other people, and as a matter of fact I actually have more partners than he does. I'm also more of a private person than he is. 2) I am stunned that some of you seem to think that just because we aren't monogamous, that he isn't committed. Could you be any more insulting or close minded? The decision to keep it open is for our mutual benefit, not because either of us has to have other people to sleep with in order to be happy. We could certainly be monogamous if we wanted to, but we enjoy being able to have fun with other people. The issue I had was more of a privacy concern than anything else. We have since talked more about it and are fine now. Only two of these replies were even somewhat helpful (thank you for those.) The others were just plain rude. How is he committed? He's seeing and sleeping with other women and doesn't want to live together. In what sense is he committed to you? He might be, but you're going to have to tell us HOW in order for us to see it. "We plan on being together a long time." Is that what you take as commitment? No judgement if it is. But understand that for most of us this doesn't qualify. Having an open relationship is one thing. Having an open relationship and feeling discomfort over the fact he isn't ready to live together is another. Not wanting anyone (including your close mutual friends and his roommates) to know about your open relationship is another. Him "kicking you out" over a disagreement is another. You brought up discomfort with an open relationship being a factor in why you're uncomfortable with the situation of you two not living together, not us. Clearly this is at least part of the issue.
stillafool Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I think it's a bit selfish of you not to be happy for him. You admit you aren't ready to live with him but are upset because he doesn't want you to live with him. Good grief! 2
central Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 My now-wife and I were in an open relationship prior to moving in together 13 years ago (after 16 months dating) - and still are. Commitment and confidence in a relationship take time to build and solidify. I am firmly of the opinion that it is unwise to move in together until you have been seriously dating for at least a year. I also firmly believe that marriage - if even contemplated - shouldn't happen until you've been in a serious relationship for at least 3 years. It takes about that long to thoroughly know someone under all kinds of conditions, and it gets beyond the typical 2 year long hormonally driven limerance/honeymoon period of a relationship where most people experience a delusional - rather addictive - kind of love. Keeping your relationship style private is smart. There are many people who don't understand and don't want to, and some will actively discriminate against anyone or anything unconventional or outside their narrow comfort zone.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 OP, I have to say, I'm a bit confused as to what the actual issue is here. You've agreed upon an open relationship. You aren't ready to live with him. You understand why he isn't ready yet, either. But you're resentful that he asked friends to move in: is this because he didn't ask you, or because your relationship style will no longer be a secret? Also, him actually kicking you out of the house after an argument is very concerning. I don't know what lead up to that, but it would raise a flag. Furthermore, I would be preparing myself for the time when friends/family do discover that you're in an open relationship. It simply won't be kept a secret forever if he's living with other people who will meet his sex partners, and you'll need to be ready deal with that.
babycakees Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 One thing that is bothering me is that we are in an open relationship and he has no way to keep that private any more. His roommates (and our friends) are going to be seeing the girls he is sleeping with. If you care so much about this guy, why did you ever agree to an open relationship? This relationship is way too complicated to even THINK of moving in together. If you want something serious, it's never going to come from this guy. 1
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