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GF of 8 years runs away with a stranger, attempts to maintain contact

paperwings

By paperwings
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

Posted
Posted (edited)

Unless you do two things, your going to have days a plenty of hurt so IMO here's what you do.

 

First thing is load up all her stuff in the house put it in the garage and let her know that she either gets her stuff now or your going to put it in storage in her name and she will be the one paying for it.

 

The second is after you let her know about getting her stuff out of the house, stop all contact with her.

 

Each time you talk to her. Each text message. Each message on Facebook reopens the wound and friend if you don't stop right now, your going to bleed to death.

 

What she did was inexcusable. It was a chicken $hit way of doing things and she showed you no respect.

 

What you might not know is that she's staying in contact with you because if it doesn't work out with the loser she's with, your the back up guy. Plan B and I promise you that if it comes down to it she will do anything possible to get back into good graces with you.

 

The girl has to learn that her actions have consequences and in her mind she's going to use all the excuses in the book to remedy the situation.

 

She's not going to let you heal because she has a plan and your in it. Don't fall for it. Stop all contact with her and remove her stuff from your house. By the way, when she said she was leaving, you should have told her to rent a U haul and take her stuff with her.

Edited by bubbaganoosh
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paperwings Member

paperwings

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  • Author
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Suddenly 3am. No 2am today with the time shift. I'll feel that tomorrow.

 

Had to go through a decade worth of pictures for a presentation that's due in a couple weeks. Of course there were 100s of her, always smiling, always happy. I know this is not the right time to be going through old photos of her, but the project I've committed to requires it. I feel more numb than anything right now. A new feeling. Was she that unhappy with me? Is this just something she needs to do? Or was her approach to leaving the relationship totally inexcusable and cruel? I can't make sense of this right now. She emailed again yesterday. I felt like a jerk for not replying. I understand her motives likely aren't in my favor anyhow. Then I realize in an instant I've lost someone who made up a quarter of my life. No longer talking to someone that was always next to me, and smiling!, for 8 years? I've had very few relationships in life, all long term, but this is completely mind blowing.

Edited by paperwings
lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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Posted (edited)

Its very hard!!

 

But dont fall to pick up the breadcrumbs she throws at you. You're focusing on what you dont have. Let me remind you, you have a lot. for a start your dignity and self respect, which you can lose if you agree to settle for breadcrumbs while the other guy has the main dish.

 

Ego is not a dirty word. You should be focusing on building your ego again, and letting her feel strongly the lack your presence is crucial for you ego reconstruction. Just like you, she misses all your shared moments and needs you. When she went with this guy she didnt think much and hoped she can have him as the refreshment in her life + the nice comfort and warmth from you! How selfish.

 

BE STRONG! if you dont want to be a jerk, send her reply like: "You're not welcome anymore, you lost me for ever. never contact me again". Do it! it will stun her.

Edited by lolablue17
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Cut her off. She chose this so she deals with whatever fallout there is.

Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

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@paperwings, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've never been in a relationship for that long, so I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be in your shoes.

 

I'm thinking about what happened between you and your ex, and the thing that stands out to me the most is that she must have really wanted out of the relationship. I think it's possible she had been suppressing that desire for the longest time. This affair with the man she met was simply a way out. Because I really don't believe that a mentally sound person would toss aside her 8-year relationship, profession, friends, etc. for some whirlwind "love" affair if she was truly happy about her life.

 

It sounds to me rather like she has weak boundaries and sees you as an authority figure. Whether or not that is who you are, that seems to be her perception, and she seems to resent you for it. It's possible that, for the longest time, she didn't know how to assert herself in your relationship and to communicate that she wanted out, so she ultimately asserted herself in the most extreme fashion possible. She wanted to be sure she burnt her bridges so that there would be no way back. It also seems like she's used to you being a father figure of sorts and fixing stuff for her. That would explain why she's sending you such mixed messages.

 

Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, as crazy as her actions may seem, there appears to be an internal logic to them. She's trying to be an adult and to reclaim her independence. Her methods are not ideal, but, through them, she is telling you that she wants to be an adult and to be treated as such. So the best thing you can do is treat her like a responsible adult who is in charge of her own life and is ultimately answerable to no one but herself for her choices. She should be allowed to live with the consequences of her decisions. Set aside your instinct to protect her from them or to fix her problems. However terrible the consequences of her actions prove to be, let her be. It is entirely within her power to end the affair, and move back to your city to pick up the pieces of her life if she wants to. Even without your support, she has friends who are undoubtedly shocked about her actions, but would still help her out if she chose to pick up the phone and call them.

 

So remember: she chose this and continues to choose it again and again every single day that she stays there. It is no longer your responsibility to worry about her choices or her welfare. You have permission to completely cut off links and focus on nursing your wounds and healing from this trauma. Take care of you, and let her take care of her. At the end of the day, that is all that anybody can really do.

lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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She's trying to be an adult and to reclaim her independence. Her methods are not ideal, but, through them, she is telling you that she wants to be an adult and to be treated as such.

 

Really??? She was planning to take his car (he owns it, he's paying for the insurance), and drive with it to the new guy! UUGGGHHH.

 

Its exactly like my 13 years old son came to his mom in a moment of anger and said - "Mom, I dont want to see you anymore in my life, I'm moving out to live alone, I'm never coming back - make me some sandwiches... :laugh::laugh::laugh:

He didnt understand the paradox of his behavior.

 

She's trying to contact him also to have him as a backup plan, and also because he is like an older brother to her, like he's her father, and she isn't adult enough to understand that by abandoning him like that he is not her supporter anymore.

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topaMAXX Established Member

topaMAXX

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My neighbor did something like this a few years back. She had a great guy and ditched him to be with a loser at around 30. The great guy is now married and has kids with a good woman.

 

The loser strung this girl along and broke it off eventually. Then her biological clock began ticking and she had a baby with an abusive man in her late 30s. Now she's on welfare.

 

As much as you will disagree with this, your ex is not a good person. She will get what she deserves in the end. You should leave her be and find a girl that is actually worthwhile.

 

I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. You need to go NC forever and use your emotions towards more productive things.

 

As many have told you in the past, you dodged a bullet. You just can't see because you're so emotionally invested.

  • Like 5
lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

Posted
Posted
My neighbor did something like this a few years back. She had a great guy and ditched him to be with a loser at around 30. The great guy is now married and has kids with a good woman.

 

The loser strung this girl along and broke it off eventually. Then her biological clock began ticking and she had a baby with an abusive man in her late 30s. Now she's on welfare.

 

As much as you will disagree with this, your ex is not a good person. She will get what she deserves in the end. You should leave her be and find a girl that is actually worthwhile.

 

I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. You need to go NC forever and use your emotions towards more productive things.

 

As many have told you in the past, you dodged a bullet. You just can't see because you're so emotionally invested.

 

Well written!!

newmoon Established Member

newmoon

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it's nice that everyone feels sorry for you but there are always two sides to a story and we don't have hers. neither men or women cheat for some thrill - there is usually a reason behind it, some nuance the partner is completely overlooking, and she did tell you she had an emotional connection to this other person, so she was missing (at the very least) that from you. in 8 years there is probably a lot that was going unnoticed and unsaid by both and the relationship was likely not providing the same thrill it did at the beginning. unless you were actively working to maintain a wondrous relationship with her (and she with you) then it was going to happen eventually. it's true that whether there was a marriage or not this may have happened, but in all fairness should a woman need to wait 8 years for a man to marry her (assuming she wanted that).

Kevin_D Established Member

Kevin_D

Posted
Posted
but in all fairness should a woman need to wait 8 years for a man to marry her (assuming she wanted that).

 

Seriously, what the hell is up with all these comments? It's sounds like something from a Jane Austen novel, yet I see them everywhere on this forum.

 

Over here, it's perfectly normal to spend entire lives together without getting married. Among those who get married, many do it due to practical reasons.

 

What's wrong with people? Who cares? It's just a stupid ceremony. Yes, I would like to experience it myself some day, but it's not a life-changing event. "I'm cheating, because my boyfriend hasn't proposed". It's so shallow it makes me want to puke. It's a ****ing PARTY, not a relationship respirator.

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rec88 Established Member

rec88

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Yes, my ex was another that had the Jane Austen ideal of marriage. It was like she didn't believe my commitment completely unless we were married. I viewed it more as a legal status, more or less independent of our commitment to each other. But while she in my opinion took the idea too far ("What do you think people say when we've been together so long and not married?"), it is a special bond that does represent another level in many respects. A lot of stress can come when two people aren't on the same, or at least near the same level with this.

 

I don't want to derail the thread. paperwings, I fully support not answering the emails. It's difficult because it goes against your instincts to help her. Remember that she's looking out for herself now, and she should respect you when you do the same and hold your boundaries. She owes you nothing, you owe her nothing. Sucks, but that's the way it is.

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Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

Posted
Posted
As much as you will disagree with this, your ex is not a good person. She will get what she deserves in the end.
While the ex has no reasonable expectation that the OP maintain contact, why do you label her as a bad person and wish her ill, just because she left the OP? That's her prerogative, and there is no injustice done here. Relationships end all the time. They didn't vow to stay together. And by the way, who cares whether the OP has money? "Good" women don't choose their man based on dollar signs.
Purepony Established Member

Purepony

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Posted

This is a hell of a thread

Bluesandy Established Member

Bluesandy

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Posted (edited)

Hi paperwing, same thing happened to me but after 23 years of marriage and three daughters.. My ex went away with her boss out of the blue, everybody around including her family and friends was shocked.. Since she was beaten by her boss and now separated.. But she told me she wanted to discover who she was, and act childish now, going out with her friends, etc.. She let me with the 3 kids... Strange for a woman, but I think it is because she wants to go back to the going out scene without any link with her past.. We had a nice life, houses and so on, and she is now living in a 2 bedroom flat she is renting, spending all her savings.. Don't really now where she is now in her head, but I am doing NC for a year as much as I can.. I think she will realize a day what she has done, but it is over for now. I have to move on got a girlfriend for 9 months in the middle, split with her cause I wasn't good in my head, and try to move on, but it is still really harsch for me... I am thinking about taking antidepresser, cause I havea hard time to be myself, my libido is still down and working is pretty hard for me.. But I do stick to my NC, any contact makes me shaking... so best for me... NC is the best solution.. 30 years ago, I split with my universtity sweetgirl after 3 years, moved in another city, and met another girl and have absolutely no contact with my previous sweetheart.. you know what.. after 5 years, she found me, and wanted me back... And for years, even this year, she kept telling me I was the man of her life.. But the fact is I moved on and I feel noting for her after the 5 year period..So respect the NC, and you will be the real winner... I can garantee you....

André from Montreal

I agree that if she left you so quickly, it is because she was feeling bad in the inside for a long time... My ex wife told me that afterwards

Edited by Bluesandy
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mantlefan Established Member

mantlefan

Posted
Posted

 

What do you do. Hmm. Can you settle for friendship?

 

 

Trying this was worse than a dead end for me. I would invite her over when I had other people over for small parties. She never invited me to anything. Turns out, she would come over to my get-togethers when the guy she left me to pursue (who I thought was a friend of mine) was over.

 

 

Turns out I help set them up. <pauses to vomit>

 

 

I don't know, I really believed that I still wanted her in my life even if we weren't together. Maybe that would still be true had she not lied so horribly. But I think the major part of it was that I wanted her back.

 

 

I think the friends thing is a trap. If for you it is about getting your hopes up that you two will reconcile, think about what being friends would mean to her. Whether she is conscious of it or not, she would be using that, not for your benefit. To assuage her guilt. To get what she had in you while getting the bonus infatuation from this guy.

 

 

She doesn't deserve your friendship, and it isn't good for either of you. My regret is telling my ex how good a friend she was to me for explaining the reasons for the breakup. Then I found out about how all of her reasons were lies to cover up the real reason.

 

 

I guess in your case you know why she left you. But if I could do it all again, I would have hugged her, told her I loved her and that I wished we could have made it work, and then never spoken to her again.

Snow101 Member

Snow101

Posted
Posted

Paperwings, this is epic in an unbelievably horrible and awful way. I'm am SORRY you are going through this. It sounds to me like you really got the raw real deal Holyfield on this one.

 

I gotta go with the crowd and say cut her off. You two had a good thing going and she threw it away for some temporary fling. And from the sound of it, given who this guy is and her own lack of finances etc....when the time comes for her to pay the piper, the reckoning is going to be awful.

 

It won't last with this foolio and then she will be abandoned with nothing... I know its not consolation but someday she is going to regret this and see it as the huge mistake it was. But some things cannot be undone and this represents an enormous betrayal and slap to your face. Love dies hard and I'm sure you are trying to apologize for her but you have to use your brain and deny your heart.

 

Its a long tough road ahead of you, but seriously she has proven to not be worthy of you.

Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
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Sorry this happened. Cannot for the life of me explain some of folks quarky behaviors. Nor is it worth it.

 

Stay NC and in the act of doing...the answers will come. Just seriously stay away from her......I had a guy do this, and I am ever so grateful to have him gone.....Even our good times do not outweigh his deception.

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