AlwaysGrowing Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Don't misunderstand, I would show any and all evidence that I was not cheating. Then I would walk. I don't want to be with someone who does not trust me. Blind trust should never be given. A healthy relationship should include being able to question your partner. A healthy relationship is where both parities work on issues not where one punishes the other for bring forth concerns. I would walk from someone who expected me to blindly believe everything they say. Or punishes if I want to verify for my own peace of mind. 3
BetrayedH Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 he has no way to clarify the past. she will never admit anything and he will never get his proof. So start spying on her with no any present red flag, or existing suspicious behavior, its pointless for my opinion. Except that there's at least one full crap-ton of betrayed spouses here that overlooked initial red flags but eventually investigated and actually caught their wayward spouses. It took me a whopping 3 days to have my proof once I decided to look. Has anyone here suggested years of investigating? But you say he'll 'never get his proof?' That's a stretch. If she has a recurring pattern as it appears, it may not take him long at all. You don't think he should make any effort?
drifter777 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) I have resolved to find out by spying on her and getting paternity tests for our two children (to be clear, I would never walk away from the kids no matter what. I love them). I intend to use cell phone tracking, gps vehicle tracking, and logging her internet and phone activity. Am I out of line? Should I do this? I just don't trust her. What if I am wrong? What would you do? When you say you will never walk away from your kids you are painting yourself into an emotional corner. She's cheating so deal with that reality instead of trying to actually catch her in the sack with some guy. Your wife's serial cheating seems to be driving you crazy and I don't think her behavior is going to change until you confront her with real consequences. If you tell her you are going to leave the marriage if she doesn't tell you the whole truth then she has a decision to make. First, she'll call your bluff and say something like "I'll help you pack". But if you follow through and walk out, things will have to change. Either she'll start opening up about her affairs and you guys will have something to begin working on or you will divorce. Either way you are taking positive action toward your own happiness. Sitting there agonizing and plotting ways to "catch" her might seem like action, but it's not. Its avoidance. It's denial. It's time to take responsibility for your own well-being and do what's right for you no matter how hard it is. Edited March 7, 2014 by drifter777
Timmos Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I heard a lot about personal space, me time, private information - things I had NEVER heard before. When she found out I had been doing some snooping, I was told to leave and not come back until she gave me permission (LOL). The problem was that I was out of town every day but the weekends anyway. Had I not of continued snooping, well, I imagine she'd still be screwing the guy. 1
goodyblue Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Blind trust should never be given. A healthy relationship should include being able to question your partner. A healthy relationship is where both parities work on issues not where one punishes the other for bring forth concerns. I would walk from someone who expected me to blindly believe everything they say. Or punishes if I want to verify for my own peace of mind. I don't think there is a problem with asking a question or two. I have a problem when someone asks me to take a polygraph because I was 20 minutes longer than expected getting in from the store. I have a problem with a keylogger on my computer so that when I go to pornhub I have to explain myself. I am not someone's CHILD. I am an adult. Get over it. Trust me, or move on.
CarrieT Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Get a voice-activated recorder and hide it in her car. People often have private conversations in their cars because they believe they are alone. Install a keystroke on her computer. This is all part of full-investigation mode which is necessary before you can decide what your next-steps are going to be...
TAV Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 OP since the kids mean so much to you, check into your rights whether they are biologically yours or not. And it may seem scary to be alone but this relationshiop sounds like a nightmare and you are actually living it.
lolablue17 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) Except that there's at least one full crap-ton of betrayed spouses here that overlooked initial red flags but eventually investigated and actually caught their wayward spouses. It took me a whopping 3 days to have my proof once I decided to look. Has anyone here suggested years of investigating? But you say he'll 'never get his proof?' That's a stretch. If she has a recurring pattern as it appears, it may not take him long at all. You don't think he should make any effort? He had a chance to investigate in the past but he chose not to. Now, If he regrets and wants to investigate the past, it will be difficult but maybe he has a small chance to find something. But he wants to use GPS, VAR ect... So he want to spy on her in the present, while he has no any red flag with her current behavior. He didnt say he suspects that she is cheating every weekend... he suspect only 2-3 times in their whole 15 years of marriage. So whats the point? Edited March 8, 2014 by lolablue17
goodyblue Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 He had a chance to investigate in the past but he chose not to. Now, If he regrets and wants to investigate the past, it will be difficult but maybe he has a small chance to find something. But he wants to use GPS, VAR ect... So he want to spy on her in the present, while he has no any red flag with her current behavior. He didnt say he suspects that she is cheating every weekend... he suspect only 2-3 times in their whole 15 years of marriage. So whats the point?[ Some BS's have a mantra: VAR, Keylogger, check texts, check phone records. As sad as it is, this is the best they expect their lives to be, checking on someone every other week for thirty years and finding nothing, or something. Either way, they've wasted their lives checking and checking. And checking. My advice, OP, be honest with your girl. Let her know how you are feeling. Ask for honesty and love. Ask if SHE wants to get married right now, if she wants YOU. Open a discussion. None of this bullshyte. Good luck. 1
oldshirt Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Thus, I cant bring myself to do any of the spying stuff because then I would be dishonest. I am really not sure what to do. If she is a liar, how do I find out without being a liar myself? very wrong frame of mind to have. You have a basic obligation to protect yourself, protect your home and assets and to protect your relationship with your children. You can not do any of that if you can not/do not trust your wife. You simply have to know what the reality is in your own home. You have very valid grounds to do some serious further investigating. Getting to the truth is not dishonesty on your part. In fact it is the search for the real truth, not just the smoke and mirrors you are probably being subjected to. You now you are hamstrung to where you can't trust your wife enough to carry on a happy and healthy marital life and you can't move on with your own life because you don't truly know if she is cheating or not so you don't have just cause to move on. You are stuck in the purgatory of not knowing. Searching for and finding reality is not dishonesty. 2
oldshirt Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 ..... I also agree with key loggers, GPS tracker, hack her phone, emails, Facebook, recorder in car and other places she may talk. If you are already suspecting the paternity of the kids then you must have some further serious suspicions. If you have that much suspicion, then go ahead and do it. I do agree with the other poster that said it appears she may be more of an opportunist and serial cheater that hits some hook ups as the present themselves rather than someone involved in an actual ongoing affair. That may complicate the key logger/recorder approach as she may be going months or even years between encounters. The polygraph may bring out the truth of affairs long ago but making someone take a polygraph is probably a death blow to any kind of happy, healthy relationship anyway. If she is a cheater she'll know her goose is pretty much cooked at that anyway and she may fess up without taking it or she'll just refuse in which case you'll have your answer anyway. If she's truly innocent, she'll probably always resent you distrusting her to that degree and making her do it so that will probably cause it's own set of problems.
road Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Checking for misbehavior is not dishonest. Protecting yourself is not dishonest. 1
HermioneG Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 He had a chance to investigate in the past but he chose not to. Now, If he regrets and wants to investigate the past, it will be difficult but maybe he has a small chance to find something. But he wants to use GPS, VAR ect... So he want to spy on her in the present, while he has no any red flag with her current behavior. He didnt say he suspects that she is cheating every weekend... he suspect only 2-3 times in their whole 15 years of marriage. So whats the point?[ Some BS's have a mantra: VAR, Keylogger, check texts, check phone records. As sad as it is, this is the best they expect their lives to be, checking on someone every other week for thirty years and finding nothing, or something. Either way, they've wasted their lives checking and checking. And checking. My advice, OP, be honest with your girl. Let her know how you are feeling. Ask for honesty and love. Ask if SHE wants to get married right now, if she wants YOU. Open a discussion. None of this bullshyte. Good luck. People who lie, lie and continue to do so. Asking someone who is lying to you to be honest is a gamble that rarely pays off positively. No one is asking him to get into a pattern of checking for 30 years. That's funny. It is being suggested that he check his reality, and confirm what is the truth, since his partner is currently an unreliable reporter. If people involved in affairs were reliable and honest reporters, they would not be in the affair to begin with, would they? Affairs make normal people act bizarrely. The situation does not follow normal societal ways. A person who has previously been honest is very unlikely to be honest during an affair when simply asked about it. Verify, OP. Find out the truth of your situation. 4
BetrayedH Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) Some BS's have a mantra: VAR, Keylogger, check texts, check phone records. As sad as it is, this is the best they expect their lives to be, checking on someone every other week for thirty years and finding nothing, or something. Either way, they've wasted their lives checking and checking. And checking. Here we go with the years and years bit again. Where are these BSs? I can only think of one poster here that has been unsuccessfully investigating for almost a year and hasn't found definitive proof and he readily admits that it is his own fault for confronting her (asking her repeatedly for honesty, as you suggested) and she just got better at hiding everything. Some 'other women' just plain don't like the idea of affairs being discovered. OP, you've got some fine examples of them here. The fact is that you deserve the truth so you can make an informed decision about how to move forward with your life. Your wife has a history of justifying her lies and so you've got little choice but to investigate to find out the truth. Edited March 8, 2014 by BetrayedH 1
Realist3 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I hacked a messaging service she was using and discovered she was using it solely to communicate with him. Nothing sexual, but she was discussing our relationship issues with him. He encouraged her to leave me. How long ago did this take place? Is it ongoing? Most of the discussions between AP's is not about sex. If one were to read the messages between me and my AP they would think it was just two friends chatting. The fact that she is talking to this man about your marriage is no bueno, and a huge sign that they are more than friends. Also the fact that she was using a special chatting app is equally damning. Today's phone keyloggers are so dang advanced they pretty much eliminate the need for anything else. You can see her location in real time from your phone or your laptop. You can listen in on phone conversations or whatever is happening in her surroundings in real time. You will get a log of every text, email, whatever from both sides of the conversation even if she deletes them. It will give you complete control over the phone remotely in total stealth mode. It is also relatively cheap. There are so many red flags here that you should not feel guilty in the least for doing a bit of investigative work. It is obviously bothering you or you wouldn't have started this thread. Those concerns will never go away until you find the truth, and she is not going to just give it to you; you have to find it for yourself. Be patient!!!! Given what sounds like sporadic behavior it may take awhile(3-6 months). Do not confront her on the first piece of evidence you find! You need the whole picture. Remember what BH said, you only need to convince yourself. During this time formulate a plan of action about what you will do IF you do find incriminating evidence. It is much easier to do with a clear head than in the heat of the moment. Best of luck. 3
Author wonderingifi Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 My thanks for the all the advice. It looks like the overall consensus is that i should check into things. I had convinced myself that I was to jealous. Those behaviors are shady. I know that now. Wish I had pulled my head out of the sand earlier. She has become overly eager to make me happy in the last few months or so. Very uncharacteristic. She has had a great deal of illusion shattering in her own life recently. Old friends drifting away, her family going to crap, and the like. I think she has come to a place where she realizes I am the only person in her life that has been loyal. Old habits die hard and I am sure we will be back to the kinds of behavior soon. The difference is, I am watching now. If it is true, and I am sure it is, it is her loss. I am kind, good looking, loyal, educated, and successful. 1
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