wonderingifi Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I would like to say a few things up front so that my intentions are clear. I have been with the same person for 15 years. I have never been unfaithful to her or to anyone I was with prior to this relationship. I am not on this forum to chat it up with other women or to be inappropriate in anyway. I am not that kind of person nor have I ever been. I am looking for advice from other people with long term relationships. A relationship of a year or two, though meaningful, is different than one that stretches into decades. That being said, sorry this is so long. What I am outlining here is not the totality of who she is as a person. I am covering several events that have happened over the course of our relationship that have lead to me seriously mistrusting her. I am not sure if she has been faithful to me throughout our relationship. The first incident involved a male friend from her childhood. Long story short, I hacked a messaging service she was using and discovered she was using it solely to communicate with him. Nothing sexual, but she was discussing our relationship issues with him. He encouraged her to leave me. A few weeks later, during a visit home, I was sent on a fishing trip with a family member. She meet him at a club, supposedly with her sister though I have never verified this. When I found out, she told me she mislead me because she thought I would be jealous. She told me I was right about him because he had invited her to his apartment, but she said she didn't go. I have never believed her. The second incident involved another couple know to have threesomes. She admitted going to a strip club with them. She said nothing happened and that they were there for business involving the male. Again, I have never believed her. Recently I came across a grainy video online of a girl and a guy having sex. The guys head is out of frame but the girl is not. I am sure it is her. The jewelry is very distinctive. It would have been about 10 years ago or so that it was filmed. I confronted her with the video and she swore it was not her. Shortly after the video was removed from the website. Again, I do not believe her. Yet another incident involved an apprenticeship she had. It was with a coworker of mine's friend. Out of nowhere the internship was off and the coworker would no longer have contact with me afterwards. I have always felt weird about this. Lastly, one night at a friends party she got drunk out of her head (not typical behavior). While I was taking care of her she became very sad and kept saying "I am sorry. I was young. You deserve a good wife." This was not too long after the video. Not a glaring admission of guilt, but it was a very strange. The next day she said she didn't remember. She seems to go through these cycles. She becomes very social, always through work, and begins displaying behaviors I find inappropriate. One of the above situations happens, and then she quits, becomes introverted, and spends all of her time at home. I believe she has been unfaithful several times in our relationship but cannot prove it. I cannot shake the feeling, and since the most recent event, cannot get all of this out of my head. I have resolved to find out by spying on her and getting paternity tests for our two children (to be clear, I would never walk away from the kids no matter what. I love them). I intend to use cell phone tracking, gps vehicle tracking, and logging her internet and phone activity. Am I out of line? Should I do this? I just don't trust her. What if I am wrong? What would you do?
TobyBoy Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Polygraph!!!! Set it up. If she refuses...you walk!! 1
Buckeye2 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 How old are the kids? If they are young, they won’t know what you’re doing. You can buy a DNA kit at WalMart or online for about $30. You use a Q-tip on the inside of their cheek, mail it to a lab and pay about $130 more. Don’t let her know you are doing any of the things you have planned. If she knows, she will hide things better. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Red flags like this (that are enough to drive you to a place like this) are an indication that you should trust your gut. Confronting her with flimsy evidence isn't working for you. Quietly go into investigative mode and in the meantime, play dumb. Avoid the urge to confront as a confrontation really accomplishes nothing except to clue her in to be more careful. One caution: keep in mind that you don't need to convince her that she's cheating (she already knows); you just need to convince yourself sufficiently so that you can make a confident decision moving forward. A keylogger on the family computer, voice-activated recorder in her car (affair partners routinely talk on the way to/from work), and a GPS on her car are standard recommendations although a good study of their phone is many times enough. I even made a lucky guess on my wife's username and password on a hotel website and found a litany of stays. I think your challenge may be that her cheating appears to be sporadic, rather than an ongoing affair that is easy to catch once you're looking. 4
harrybrown Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Something is not right. Trust your gut. I do like the polygraph. Do the 180 and see how she acts.
goumao Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Definitely do some investigating. And definitely do it without her knowing. When you get a chance look through her phone, call logs text messages. If she has a smart phone or iPad etc, take a look through any "chatting" APPs. Keep an open mind and don't concentrate on finding evidence about any one specific other man, the extent of her betrayal may be larger than you think and concentrating on finding out about a particular man you suspect may cause you to miss the opportunity to get evidence about the real other man/men involved. In the country I'm i all of the mobile network providers provide on online account which keeps a record of all calls and texts sent. if she uses a pay as you go package she has probably not registered for this. You could secretly set up this account for her. usually it takes registering online at network providers website, as your registering they send a security code to the phone which you then use to create the account. Do this while your wife is asleep, delete the text message with security code from her phone, then you have full access to her call logs, even if she deletes it from her phone. Good luck!
burnside.rose Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) all i can offer is, my instincts/hunches were 99% correct on everything during my wife's A even though i convinced myself otherwise because i trusted her implicitly & thought i was just being paranoid. trust your gut. but you need proof. a keylogger partially busted my wife. Edited March 7, 2014 by burnside.rose grammar
nais Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 How do you feel having to check on her like this? If you find out the truth how will you feel then? Is it that important and does it mean so much to you to know that she has indeed done this? My gosh- you have certainly laid out a pattern based on mistrust on your part as no evidence has truly surfaced. Why now do you have to know and not then? The signs were there as you pointed out- but what made now so important? 1
Author wonderingifi Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 I would feel bad checking on her. I would feel even worse if it were true. It is important to me now because I have changed a great deal recently. After reading about the 180 thing, I realize I have already done this with my life in general. I was very codependent and more concerned with my actions having extrinsic qualities. I realized my own self worth and discovered the fulfillment that intrinsic motivation brings. Doing so has made me very successful recently. Also, I don't want to be treated badly and sex can kill you these days. If she did anything wrong in the past, I would forgive her. I would even explore having an open relationship with her if it was really what she needed. It is about honesty. I would like to know I can really trust at least one person in this world. Thus, I cant bring myself to do any of the spying stuff because then I would be dishonest. I am really not sure what to do. If she is a liar, how do I find out without being a liar myself?
aliveagain Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I would like to say a few things up front so that my intentions are clear. I have been with the same person for 15 years. I have never been unfaithful to her or to anyone I was with prior to this relationship. I am not on this forum to chat it up with other women or to be inappropriate in anyway. I am not that kind of person nor have I ever been. I am looking for advice from other people with long term relationships. A relationship of a year or two, though meaningful, is different than one that stretches into decades. That being said, sorry this is so long. What I am outlining here is not the totality of who she is as a person. I am covering several events that have happened over the course of our relationship that have lead to me seriously mistrusting her. I am not sure if she has been faithful to me throughout our relationship. The first incident involved a male friend from her childhood. Long story short, I hacked a messaging service she was using and discovered she was using it solely to communicate with him. Nothing sexual, but she was discussing our relationship issues with him. He encouraged her to leave me. A few weeks later, during a visit home, I was sent on a fishing trip with a family member. She meet him at a club, supposedly with her sister though I have never verified this. When I found out, she told me she mislead me because she thought I would be jealous. She told me I was right about him because he had invited her to his apartment, but she said she didn't go. I have never believed her. The second incident involved another couple know to have threesomes. She admitted going to a strip club with them. She said nothing happened and that they were there for business involving the male. Again, I have never believed her. Recently I came across a grainy video online of a girl and a guy having sex. The guys head is out of frame but the girl is not. I am sure it is her. The jewelry is very distinctive. It would have been about 10 years ago[/b] or so that it was filmed. I confronted her with the video and she swore it was not her. Shortly after the video was removed from the website. Again, I do not believe her. Yet another incident involved an apprenticeship she had. It was with a coworker of mine's friend. Out of nowhere the internship was off and the coworker would no longer have contact with me afterwards. I have always felt weird about this. Lastly, one night at a friends party she got drunk out of her head (not typical behavior). While I was taking care of her she became very sad and kept saying "I am sorry. I was young. You deserve a good wife." This was not too long after the video. Not a glaring admission of guilt, but it was a very strange. The next day she said she didn't remember. She seems to go through these cycles. She becomes very social, always through work, and begins displaying behaviors I find inappropriate. One of the above situations happens, and then she quits, becomes introverted, and spends all of her time at home. I believe she has been unfaithful several times in our relationship but cannot prove it. I cannot shake the feeling, and since the most recent event, cannot get all of this out of my head. I have resolved to find out by spying on her and getting paternity tests for our two children (to be clear, I would never walk away from the kids no matter what. I love them). I intend to use cell phone tracking, gps vehicle tracking, and logging her internet and phone activity. Am I out of line? Should I do this? I just don't trust her. What if I am wrong? What would you do? Huge red flags, your gut is screaming at you for a reason, she's lying to you. What kind of marriage includes deception, a marriage where one of you is being deceived. If she has to lie about her activities or who she is with than she shouldn't be doing it. Keylogger time. Have you ever asked her if she has cheated(guess that video was made five years into your relationship)? 1
No Limit Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I would feel bad checking on her. I would feel even worse if it were true. It is important to me now because I have changed a great deal recently. After reading about the 180 thing, I realize I have already done this with my life in general. I was very codependent and more concerned with my actions having extrinsic qualities. I realized my own self worth and discovered the fulfillment that intrinsic motivation brings. Doing so has made me very successful recently. Also, I don't want to be treated badly and sex can kill you these days. If she did anything wrong in the past, I would forgive her. I would even explore having an open relationship with her if it was really what she needed. It is about honesty. I would like to know I can really trust at least one person in this world. Thus, I cant bring myself to do any of the spying stuff because then I would be dishonest. I am really not sure what to do. If she is a liar, how do I find out without being a liar myself? To me, that sounds like you are still very codependant. From the sound of it you'd sooner pull your own hair out rater than leaving her. And in that case, I don't really know how we - or anyone else - can help you. If you don't want to spy on her, there's no way you'll ever know for sure because she won't tell you - or will tell you what you'd like to hear. And trust with someone who cheats on you or who you suspect of cheating - with these enormous red flags, not very surprising - is out of the question.
Author wonderingifi Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 I am going to let this post ride for a few days for more advice, but it seems like the over all consensus is that I should start looking into things. Thank you all for the advise, impartial third party advise is always good. It helps you see through self delusion. A quick reply to some of the posts. 1. Lie detectors are very inaccurate. I was trained to beat them in a previous job. They are very unreliable which is why they are never admissible in court. 2. I do not doubt I still have codependency issues. This forum is a good sanity check. I hope I am wrong about her. 2
goodyblue Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If I were ever in a relationship where lie detectors had to be used to prove something, the relationship would be over. SO Jeremy Kyle.
road Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I would like to say a few things up front so that my intentions are clear. I have been with the same person for 15 years. I have never been unfaithful to her or to anyone I was with prior to this relationship. I am not on this forum to chat it up with other women or to be inappropriate in anyway. I am not that kind of person nor have I ever been. I am looking for advice from other people with long term relationships. A relationship of a year or two, though meaningful, is different than one that stretches into decades. That being said, sorry this is so long. What I am outlining here is not the totality of who she is as a person. I am covering several events that have happened over the course of our relationship that have lead to me seriously mistrusting her. I am not sure if she has been faithful to me throughout our relationship. The first incident involved a male friend from her childhood. Long story short, I hacked a messaging service she was using and discovered she was using it solely to communicate with him. Nothing sexual, but she was discussing our relationship issues with him. He encouraged her to leave me. A few weeks later, during a visit home, I was sent on a fishing trip with a family member. She meet him at a club, supposedly with her sister though I have never verified this. When I found out, she told me she mislead me because she thought I would be jealous. She told me I was right about him because he had invited her to his apartment, but she said she didn't go. I have never believed her. The second incident involved another couple know to have threesomes. She admitted going to a strip club with them. She said nothing happened and that they were there for business involving the male. Again, I have never believed her. Recently I came across a grainy video online of a girl and a guy having sex. The guys head is out of frame but the girl is not. I am sure it is her. The jewelry is very distinctive. It would have been about 10 years ago or so that it was filmed. I confronted her with the video and she swore it was not her. Shortly after the video was removed from the website. Again, I do not believe her. Yet another incident involved an apprenticeship she had. It was with a coworker of mine's friend. Out of nowhere the internship was off and the coworker would no longer have contact with me afterwards. I have always felt weird about this. Lastly, one night at a friends party she got drunk out of her head (not typical behavior). While I was taking care of her she became very sad and kept saying "I am sorry. I was young. You deserve a good wife." This was not too long after the video. Not a glaring admission of guilt, but it was a very strange. The next day she said she didn't remember. She seems to go through these cycles. She becomes very social, always through work, and begins displaying behaviors I find inappropriate. One of the above situations happens, and then she quits, becomes introverted, and spends all of her time at home. I believe she has been unfaithful several times in our relationship but cannot prove it. I cannot shake the feeling, and since the most recent event, cannot get all of this out of my head. I have resolved to find out by spying on her and getting paternity tests for our two children (to be clear, I would never walk away from the kids no matter what. I love them). I intend to use cell phone tracking, gps vehicle tracking, and logging her internet and phone activity. Am I out of line? Should I do this? I just don't trust her. What if I am wrong? What would you do? Go into spy mode. Install a key logger on the computer. GPS her car. Activate the GPS on her phone. Hide a VAR in her car and in the house where she usually takes her phone calls. Get copies of her texts. Then quietly monitor her. If no new info after two weeks. Then sit her down and mention all those red flags. How she used her sister to cover for her. Maybe say you are going to contact the other people involved to get the truth. Then tell her you need her to take a polygraph test and that you are going to schedule it. Then sit back and see if your VAR's and key logger catch her talking about the affair those involved to get their stories straight. If that does not yield good info. You then schedule the poly and tell her the date. She will fight you on this. Tell her she has no worries if she is telling you the truth. Many a WW have given a confession the night before the test is to happen. Or on the ride there, or in the parking lot. Though do not believe that parking lot confession. For many WW will throw out enough truth to get you to cancel the test. To get you to cancel the poly and prevent you from getting the rest of the truth out.
nais Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I would feel bad checking on her. I would feel even worse if it were true. It is important to me now because I have changed a great deal recently. After reading about the 180 thing, I realize I have already done this with my life in general. I was very codependent and more concerned with my actions having extrinsic qualities. I realized my own self worth and discovered the fulfillment that intrinsic motivation brings. Doing so has made me very successful recently. Also, I don't want to be treated badly and sex can kill you these days. If she did anything wrong in the past, I would forgive her. I would even explore having an open relationship with her if it was really what she needed. It is about honesty. I would like to know I can really trust at least one person in this world. Thus, I cant bring myself to do any of the spying stuff because then I would be dishonest. I am really not sure what to do. If she is a liar, how do I find out without being a liar myself? Find your truth then- given the reasons above you deserve to know who and what you are dealing with. For this reason discover what needs to be discovered- hope there is a plan in mind if you are found to be right. I would suggest preparing yourself either via this medium or with a trained counselor so that your next moves are healthy ones. 1
NotOW35 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Go into spy mode. Install a key logger on the computer. GPS her car. Activate the GPS on her phone. Hide a VAR in her car and in the house where she usually takes her phone calls. Get copies of her texts. Then quietly monitor her. If no new info after two weeks. Then sit her down and mention all those red flags. How she used her sister to cover for her. Maybe say you are going to contact the other people involved to get the truth. Then tell her you need her to take a polygraph test and that you are going to schedule it. Then sit back and see if your VAR's and key logger catch her talking about the affair those involved to get their stories straight. If that does not yield good info. You then schedule the poly and tell her the date. She will fight you on this. Tell her she has no worries if she is telling you the truth. Many a WW have given a confession the night before the test is to happen. Or on the ride there, or in the parking lot. Though do not believe that parking lot confession. For many WW will throw out enough truth to get you to cancel the test. To get you to cancel the poly and prevent you from getting the rest of the truth out. Geez, and suppose she isn't cheating...or did, but regrets it and wants to work on the relationship. Doing all of this is going to KILL your chances of reconciling. If you are honest with her and tell her all the things you've done to stalk her...she will run...guilty OR innocent. that is just crazy.
BetrayedH Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) I would feel bad checking on her. I would feel even worse if it were true. It is important to me now because I have changed a great deal recently. After reading about the 180 thing, I realize I have already done this with my life in general. I was very codependent and more concerned with my actions having extrinsic qualities. I realized my own self worth and discovered the fulfillment that intrinsic motivation brings. Doing so has made me very successful recently. Also, I don't want to be treated badly and sex can kill you these days. If she did anything wrong in the past, I would forgive her. I would even explore having an open relationship with her if it was really what she needed. It is about honesty. I would like to know I can really trust at least one person in this world. Thus, I cant bring myself to do any of the spying stuff because then I would be dishonest. I am really not sure what to do. If she is a liar, how do I find out without being a liar myself? I felt the same way about investigating. In my situation, my wife (18 years together and 12 married - with two young kids) wanted to separate out of the blue. She said she needed time and space and that it was probably too late. I was shocked and crushed. By the third week of limbo I could tell that our 'marital problems' really didn't add up to separation/divorce and I got suspicious. I found some stuff on the PC but like it's been with you, it was pretty easily dismissed. But it was enough that I found myself at a spy store spending $200 on a GPS for her car. I was literally shaking and knew that if my wife found it, we were done. I asked a friend what she thought I should do and she said that if it was her, she'd have to know. I couldn't disagree. Three days later I pulled the device to download the data and discovered that she'd been at a hotel from 10pm to midnight when she was supposed to be at work. I visited the hotel and successfully got a duplicate receipt; the room was in her name and paid with cash. I noticed she she earned points for her stay and managed to login to the hotel website where I discovered 17 stays over the previous 6 months. Eventually I found a total of 35 stays at various local hotels (all mid-day with her boss) over that six months but the affair was 13 months so the extended math is ridiculously ugly. I also found out that she's had a threesome with him and a prostitute. Dude, we were a normal family and I had no clue. Point being, do you think I remotely regret any of that investigating? My conscience is completely clear. As for polys, I have been back and forth on them but (after a lot of research) ultimately have to agree with you about them being unreliable. That said, many a 'parking lot confession' has been had by insisting on one. I don't think you're there yet. As for forgiveness, many people do end up being able to reconcile after infidelity. But it takes two things: (1) a truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse and you must understand that #2 CANNOT come before #1. Forgiveness is a noble thing but only when serious attempts have been made to earn it. Get the cart out from in front of the horse. Edited March 7, 2014 by BetrayedH 2
BetrayedH Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Geez, and suppose she isn't cheating...or did, but regrets it and wants to work on the relationship. Doing all of this is going to KILL your chances of reconciling. If you are honest with her and tell her all the things you've done to stalk her...she will run...guilty OR innocent. that is just crazy. That's quite a hypothetical. My wife didn't bat an eyelash at ANY of my investigating. In fact, she subsequently gave me free reign to investigate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with no notice to her. Embracing transparency is what ends up rebuilding the destroyed trust. She knew that it was her actions that caused it all. We spent 8+ months trying to reconcile (which ultimately failed due to her continued lying). Do you have any examples where a wayward refused to reconcile because of the investigating? I'm not sure I've ever seen one and I've been here nearly 3 years. Where I do agree with you is that if she's not guilty, he's going to have some serious explaining to do. It's possible that she might be somewhat forgiving since her admitted actions were a precursor but yeah, it'd be a hell of a road to ride and if she's truly innocent, she could walk. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If my partner was so distressed that they felt the need to check up on me. I would gladly show them anything that they wanted as I have nothing to hide and would WANT to ease their mind. It seems those that have things that they are not proud of, are the first to claim "stalking". I am not sure how one "stalks" their own home computer. You will find that generally, those that have been cheated on and remorseful waywards have no issue in verifying. And those that are against it.....well...you can figure that out on your own. 4
bubbaganoosh Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 She sent you on a fishing trip with a family member while she went and met her old bf at a club. She lied to you because she didn't want you to be mad. Why couldn't she tell you the truth? She has been texting this guy with a secret message service for what reason? You found a sex movie of her or so you think and she swore is wasn't her and now it's gone. She goes out with a couple that engage in threesomes to a strip club. Then her apprenticeship who was a co worker and now he has no contact with you. Now you even said that you would explore an open marriage if she that's what she needed. So let me ask you this. What about you? Seems like your willing to give, give and give more and receive nothing, nothing and more nothing. For once, you need to sit her down and lay it on the table and tell her that she's way out of bounds and there are some things that need to be cleared up and that we either do it now or there will be no later if it continues. You don't need an open marriage. You need some back bone, guts and balls and start setting up some serious boundaries for her because if your gut is telling you that somethings wrong, it's just not a bad case of gas. It's telling you that you have a wife that's getting away with lying and maybe cheating and your sitting on the sidelines watching her and doing nothing. It's time you make some changes in the way your handling this and if you don't do something about it soon, it will get a whole lot worse. 1
lolablue17 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) How long are you planing to spy her? a week? a month? a year? 10 years? 20 years? i guess not so long, right? So you might do it for a short time, but to ensure getting the truth you have to put a bait. for example arrange a 4 days trip for yourself, give her a month's notice, and hope for good. oops, but what if she doesn't have someone in mind right now? So maybe you should hire an actor to make a move with her... Do you see my point? I advise you - get into action mode only if you have a reason to suspect her cheating in the present. take responsibility for your passive behavior in the past and just drop it! concentrate on the here and now. Edited March 7, 2014 by lolablue17 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 How long are you planing to spy her? a week? a month? a year? 10 years? 20 years? i guess not so long, right? So you might do it for a short time, but to ensure getting the truth you have to put a bait. for example arrange a 4 days trip for yourself, give her a month's notice, and hope for good. oops, but what if she doesn't have someone in mind right now? So maybe you should hire an actor to make a move with her... Do you see my point? I advise you - get into action mode only if you have a reason to suspect her cheating in the present. take responsibility for your passive behavior in the past and just drop it! concentrate on the here and now. I'm not sure I understand correctly. Because one believed previous lies and are now (because of a pattern of flags) questions them....too bad? He believed them so they don't count in the present? One now forfeits any right to be hurt or angry over them?
Friskyone4u Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Read the post by Betrayed H, and look at what he found out by doing the spying. Had he not done that, can you imagine what she would have contineud doing. If you choose to ignore these things, that could be you. You mentioned in a previous post you could accept an open relationship with her just to keep her. If that is still true, I wouild suggest you go ahead and tell her that so maybe she will tell the truth about all of this and set your mind at ease. But once you go down that road, be prepared to be sitting at home while she is going out on dates and spending nights with her lovers unless you do the same, which it sounds like you have no interest in. Since she has lied to you numerous times, you might even consider telling her you will consider an open relationship just to get her to finally confess. Once you know all the gory details that you will probably find out, your conscience will be clear about lying to her to find out. Of course, this could all be multiple instances of simple misunderstanding. Not likely, but anything is possible. Only you can make the call, but the fact that you came to this forum indicates this is driving you crazy. Hope you get some information and closure on this
goodyblue Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If my partner was so distressed that they felt the need to check up on me. I would gladly show them anything that they wanted as I have nothing to hide and would WANT to ease their mind. It seems those that have things that they are not proud of, are the first to claim "stalking". I am not sure how one "stalks" their own home computer. You will find that generally, those that have been cheated on and remorseful waywards have no issue in verifying. And those that are against it.....well...you can figure that out on your own. Don't misunderstand, I would show any and all evidence that I was not cheating. Then I would walk. I don't want to be with someone who does not trust me.
lolablue17 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I'm not sure I understand correctly. Because one believed previous lies and are now (because of a pattern of flags) questions them....too bad? He believed them so they don't count in the present? One now forfeits any right to be hurt or angry over them? It not a matter of rights. he has all the rights in the world. its a matter of productivity and sanity. he has no way to clarify the past. she will never admit anything and he will never get his proof. So start spying on her with no any present red flag, or existing suspicious behavior, its pointless for my opinion.
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