Had an amazing date, but pushed her away with my clingyness, can I fix this?

[Janesays]

Just a curious question for the ladies:

 

IF the girl was into him, would she still respond back and be interested after being all clingy like this?

 

No. In fact, I HAVE had guys I was legitimately interested in pull crap like this on me. After that, I don't even want to be friends, let alone date them. I just want them to leave me alone.

[avoforastig]

This sounds like the painful pathway I chose in the past, her are some quick things to think about/tips for the future:

 

1. As mentioned: NO HUMANS GO ON PEDESTALS - I'm sure your awesome bro, focus on your positive qualities and highlight them.

2. MULTI-Date: This stopped me from putting women on pedestals when I realized that there are several women at any given time that are interested in me. Dating has to be mutual interest.

3. Communicate on a 1:1 ratio. If you want to maintain contact between dates, keep it light and playful. I'll keep minimalist text conversations going between dates, but only playful jokes. If a woman is interested, they will respond in a timely fashion. Short of being in the hospital, how could you be too busy for a text? Women are really flaky and weenies about serving rejection. What they often don't realize is their lack of being upfront actually stings more than the rejection itself.

3. DO NOT CALL or TEXT this BIRD: You didn't blow it, she just wasn't feeling it man. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

4. IMMEDIATELY GET BACK ON THE HORSE: You should have a couple new BIRDS on your mind over the next month so she should be out of your mind in a month. Don't waste your time. On to the next one.

5. Never GET ATTACHED RIGHT AWAY: This is simply unrealistic. Keep in mind all the negative possibilities you don't even know about her. She could be a serial killer, drug addict, anger management problems, etc. for all you know. Life is not a silly ROM-COM so snap out of it.

 

NOW, go find some new LADIES immediately. Head to the pub, coffee shop, internet, parks, etc.

[lollipopspot]

Since when are women experts on guys? How do you know?

 

Males and females aren't a different species, and uh, I've grown up with and lived with males all my life, so I can say something general about human preferences. But hey, if you want a super clingy, insecure woman, knock yourself out, everyone has their preferences.

[Sivok]

Males and females aren't a different species, and uh, I've grown up with and lived with males all my life, so I can say something general about human preferences. But hey, if you want a super clingy, insecure woman, knock yourself out, everyone has their preferences.

That would drive me up the wall. Infact, I recently was on the receiving end of a female equivalent. She would txt me walls of txt nonstop - regardless if I replied or not. It drove me crazy!

[WP4046]

Whatever. I just deleted my account so no woman is going to get a restraining order on me now. Not being attractive enough is reason enough for some women.

 

 

You got it now, it's only called "sexual harrassment" if there is no sexual attraction

[Iguanna]

I know most people here will tell you that you were clingy and you scared her away, but from my point of view I think she was the one who didn't treat you well. I know she was honest and all, but this happened after ten messages and what? 5 days? I don't accept under any circumstances that a person is SO busy that they can't even send a text. Doesn't she go to the bathroom? She has 5 minutes to send a text. I'm fed up with this lame excuse. So until she responded honestly that she has no time to date, she was the one at fault in my opinion. But again, if she didn't have time to date, why did she start the whole meeting you thing in the first place? From the way things went between you, I'll just assume she wasn't that into you. She liked you but it wasn't enough to make her make some time for you in her busy life. You say she was different than the others and honest, but I think she pushed herself to be honest just to get rid of you. She wasn't even honest, cause the truth was she didn't want to go further with you, she didn't give you a chance at all even though you were insisting to try dating for a bit and see how it goes, she just shut you down, and this shows me that the excuse she gave was just an excuse. I suggest you go on, leave her alone, do not contact her at all. If she wants to give it a try with you, she knows where to find you. Just go on with your life like she doesn't exist, cause to be honest with you, you never had a chance, even if she was all day home watching movies and being bored.

[myothernic2]

Just a curious question for the ladies:

 

IF the girl was into him, would she still respond back and be interested after being all clingy like this?

 

It wouldn't have happened because if I were interested, I wouldn't have taken so long to respond in the first place.

Edited March 7, 2014 by myothernic2

[soccerrprp]

NO ONE is so busy that they cannot find 1-minute, 5-minutes in their day to respond to texts, etc. This girl, guaranteed, was responding to texts, phone calls from those she placed in high priority or necessary priority. The OP was not a priority. She was not interested in continuing a relationship with the OP.

 

Until you get that next date, you never know how the date went overall. One person tends to have a more optimistic view than the other.

[Omei]

Gosh I hate that eh? When they say they had a great time to your face ask for another date then turn around and let you down, then she takes it a step further and gives you "tips" for the future? W.t.f

 

I hope you dont listen to any of her silly tips she's using as excuse to let you down PLEASE ignore those.

 

"women like to be ignored a little bit" uh no we don't to me that's aka " I wish you ignored me so I didn't have to muster up the guts to be honest"

Edited March 7, 2014 by Omei

[BDL]

This ship has left the dock. The constant texting was a definite turn-off. I'd say she was interested in you and you had a good chance at another date but you blew it this with this girl. If a girl doesn't text you back in a few days, it means even though she could text you back she decided to wait, not because she was ignoring you, but testing to see if you are needy, clingy and desperate. That's the only way a girl can find out about a guy. You showed these signs so you got dumped like a bag of hot potatoes.

 

I don't see you having much luck in your future relationships without dealing with your insecurities and clinginess. You might want to find hobbies you're passionate about, casually date other girls and build up your confidence and self-esteem.

[plethora]

Everyone else has covered most of it

BUT

please please don't try to text (in jokes that you have to explain are in jokes)

You met her once, you don't HAVE in jokes. When I get people I've met once or twice try in jokes it is so off putting - you don't know me long enough to have them.

[StanMusial]

It wouldn't have happened because if I were interested, I wouldn't have taken so long to respond in the first place.

 

It's pretty obvious she wasn't interested. An offfhand guess would be that to her, the date was a bit of one off fun to kill some time.

 

OP a general rule you could follow would be to request a second date then follow up a few days later with ONE phone CALL.

[Fj45]

I think that its clear she doesnt have interest, regardless of why, she doesnt. So its best I leave it alone.

 

Thank you for helping a fellow out with his love life.

 

I guess the last thing I have to say is that

 

1) Before the date, she texted me every day from tuesday to friday and we chatted for 20-30 minutes via text and called her once as well

 

2) Right after the date 15 minutes after i drop her off these were her exact words in text:

 

"Thanks I had fun, it was awesome to meet you ;)"

"I found my friends so dont worry"

"My friends want a salsa date with your all your friends, told you you'd get along"

 

Then suddenly nothing the next day but a dinky little "been busy sorry"

 

And she had time before our date to text, and now suddenly she is so busy that she cant reply back to a message over a 4 day period?

 

Would have just liked if she said, I had fun, but sorry I dont see this going any further at the end of the date, she made it seem like she wanted to date more

 

But anyway lesson learned. Over and out

[starrynightz45]

..........Umm....I don't think you did anything unreasonable or crazy....you're really being hard on yourself.

 

If she had enjoyed the date as much as you, she WOULD NOT have been as put off by your contact soon after. If anything, she would have been giddy and responsive. All this stuff about being too "clingy" is nonsense. You sent a simple text the next day. Got nothing the next day though you tried, no response to your call etc. Now, I would have stopped after the failed return of your phone call, but this wasn't your fault.

 

All of this is nonsense. A man/woman who is as interested as you are is NOT so turned off by you contacting them again soon after.

[Chubbi]

..........Umm....I don't think you did anything unreasonable or crazy....you're really being hard on yourself.

 

If she had enjoyed the date as much as you, she WOULD NOT have been as put off by your contact soon after. If anything, she would have been giddy and responsive. All this stuff about being too "clingy" is nonsense. You sent a simple text the next day. Got nothing the next day though you tried, no response to your call etc. Now, I would have stopped after the failed return of your phone call, but this wasn't your fault.

 

All of this is nonsense. A man/woman who is as interested as you are is NOT so turned off by you contacting them again soon after.

 

Yeah I agree with this, but he should have stopped when she didn't return the call. And that longg text message is strange. And asking what she found as faults in him, who cares? You barely know her.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, this one is toast.

 

But for future reference, never make more than one contact before you hear back. Send a text or e-mail, or leave a VM, then let her get back to you. Multiple contacts comes across as desperate.

 

And stop writing essays analyzing everything. Are these text messages? A text that takes more than one screen to read is WAY too long. You went on one date!! Everything should have stayed light and fun at this point.

[babycakees]

OP, this was seriously extremely hard to read. I don't blame this girl for running off. I cringed each time I saw you tried contacting...again...and again..and again. She was obviously not interested and she was trying to drop the hint by not contacting back. In the future, if you don't hear back from a girl, take it as a hint.

[J21]

OP - Cheer up, hopefully you're not too down about the whole situation.

 

You had that chemistry with someone, it's gonna happen again.

 

Just learn from this and stay positive.

[clia]

I think she did like you up to and through your date, and maybe even the next day, but then you started with your needy texts and the warning bells sounded so she pulled back. That can happen so easily after one date, no matter how great of a time you had. You really have to monitor yourself.

 

Now here are the text messages between me and her, the date was on a Friday.

 

(Saturday morning)

 

Me: Good afternoon.....Guess what I smell like hookah all over....my blanket is now apple flavored

 

 

This is where you should have stopped. I don't know what this text even means, but I assume the two of you went to a hookah bar. But...there is nothing really to respond to here. I know you were just reaching out, but it's kind of a pointless text. You made a statement. I wouldn't necessarily think a response was necessary.

 

(four hours later)

Me: Lol I bet you're still sleeping.....

 

This is the kind of thing that can turn a girl off. Although you don't explicitly say it, what this text says is "Why haven't you responded to my text yet? It's been four hours!"

 

(one hour later)

Her: been busy, sorry

 

Now she's thinking "Jeez, this guy expects me to respond to his texts on some kind of time schedule? Already? Ugh."

 

(one hour later)

Me: No need to apologize. Haha. Just wanted to tell you that I had a great time yesterday and something we need to do again soon. With salsa dancing! Anyways take care

 

Way too long. You should've just said "No worries!" or something like that and pulled back. Or not even responded at all for a day. And now you are saying "Just wanted to tell you..." but you didn't tell her that in your first message. You just told her about your blanket smelling like apples. So, you've launched into a whole big text message gushing about the time you had with her (read: you are no challenge at all now) and end it with "take care." There is nothing to respond to with "take care." I'm not sure why you expected a response.

 

And now...

 

(Sunday, the next day)

Me: Hey there

 

I hate texts like this. You are saying nothing. Don't send texts like this. I don't respond to texts like this either.

 

(one hour later)

Me: ( I give her a call and no response, but I don't leave a voice message)

 

If you didn't leave a voice message, there was nothing for her to do here either.

 

(I wait till Tuesday evening, not sending anything, and Im anxious and worried that she hasn't replied, I thought we had a good time, and a simple "hey im doing okay" is a 20 second thing)

 

(Tuesday evening) - (kind of where I lose it and get frustrated)

 

Me: Hey there stranger, you didn't get kidnapped did you? Do I need to come to your rescue?

 

Again, this sounds so whiny. You don't say it, but it's "Why haven't you responded to me? Why haven't you texted me?"

 

And then...you blew up her phone. I'm not going to get into that because you already know how bad it is. I agree with Ruby -- do not send text messages that are novels. If it's more than a sentence or two long, it is way too long. You shouldn't be pouring your heart out to a girl who you've been on one date with.

 

Here is what you should have done, IMO:

 

After your date on Friday, gone silent for a day and did your own thing. After one date there is no reason why you need to be in constant contact or even talk to her the next day. Call or text her on Sunday evening and ask her out to go salsa dancing on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. (Whatever you had discussed.) That's it.

 

I don't think this is salvageable with this girl. Just be careful the next time not to get so needy. It's a real turn off.

[Fj45]

OP - Cheer up, hopefully you're not too down about the whole situation.

 

You had that chemistry with someone, it's gonna happen again.

 

Just learn from this and stay positive.

 

Thanks, its tough staying positive, a couple of disappointments dealing with my career, and life situation have added on to the sting and kind of pile on creating a blue mood.

 

But being sad wont really help me change anything. Just have to let my logic override self pity.

[J21]

Thanks, its tough staying positive, a couple of disappointments dealing with my career, and life situation have added on to the sting and kind of pile on creating a blue mood.

 

But being sad wont really help me change anything. Just have to let my logic override self pity.

Dude, we've all been there man. Everyone of us has faced disappointments in our personal life, career setbacks, or family situations.

 

Hang your head high and remember things get better. This is just a passing moment you'll vaguely remember later on.

[Zippy2000]

Chin up! She just wasnt that into you.

[pickflicker]

Thanks guys

 

So general consensus seems don't bother contacting her, because ship is sunk and too far gone.

 

Yeah, I know her being too busy argument was an easy way to let me down for being so needy and stupid. I realized it right after and felt so dumb, because truth is that I know better than sending long messages and sounding so desperate. I know that the contacting and messaging was a red flag and drove her away.

 

At least I know better that If I'm feeling needy or clingy, I know enough to hide it.

 

I'm not sure why I suddenly got so clingy, and just let it fly, it was weird.

 

Im upset that I ruined something that might have been more, for making mistakes I know I shouldn't be, regardless of how i feel.

 

OP, here is a good rule of thumb. The first time a text goes unanswered, don't send a second one. Simple.

[It's Just Me]

My best guess is there was always someone else on her mind. And he's still there (ex-boyfriend, maybe). Yes, you were a bit overbearing, but I'm not sure that texting less would have made a difference in this case. You are being compared to the other guy, and you are not measuring up - despite the fact that it's not a fair competition, because it's all taking place in her head.

 

Been there, as a female who did online dating and came across these types of guys. Just move on. You are not the problem. As an aside, it was always astonishing to me how some people could fake the fun they seemed to be having, only to turn cold as soon as you were out of sight of each other. Boggled my mind.

[Tayken]

OP...nobody likes that, so if I were you....make it a lessons learned and move on. There are many more were that fish came from, cast your net