Had an amazing date, but pushed her away with my clingyness, can I fix this?

[Fj45]

Hey guys I'm 27 and I met a med student online. We got along immediately and we texted and spoke on the phone and then arranged a date.

 

The date went really well, we laughed and connected. We kissed a few times in a passionate way and I drove her to the train station after the end of our date.

 

Before she left we kissed again for 3-4 minutes and she smiled and giggled.

 

Ten minutes after she leaves she texts me that she had a great time and that it was wonderful meeting me and she had lots of fun. She also said her friends which she was taking the train home with want to meet me and she wants to go salsa dancing with me and them. I tell her sure thing and to text me when she gets home. She texts me she got home safely.

 

 

 

Now before you read these texts, I realize I made mistakes, I know I have to fix this about myself, so its less about me and more if there is anything I can do to save this situation from the mess that I've dug myself into.

 

Now here are the text messages between me and her, the date was on a Friday.

 

(Saturday morning)

 

Me: Good afternoon.....Guess what I smell like hookah all over....my blanket is now apple flavored

 

(four hours later)

Me: Lol I bet you're still sleeping.....

 

(one hour later)

Her: been busy, sorry

 

(one hour later)

Me: No need to apologize. Haha. Just wanted to tell you that I had a great time yesterday and something we need to do again soon. With salsa dancing! Anyways take care

 

(Sunday, the next day)

Me: Hey there

 

(one hour later)

Me: ( I give her a call and no response, but I don't leave a voice message)

 

(I wait till Tuesday evening, not sending anything, and Im anxious and worried that she hasn't replied, I thought we had a good time, and a simple "hey im doing okay" is a 20 second thing)

 

(Tuesday evening) - (kind of where I lose it and get frustrated)

 

Me: Hey there stranger, you didn't get kidnapped did you? Do I need to come to your rescue?

 

(one hour later)

Me: I guess you don't want to talk to me anymore

 

(one hour later)

Me: (gave her a call and left a simple "hey there whats up message")

 

(one hour later)

Me: I tried to reach out to you a few times and I'm not sure why you stopped talking to me. I'm not sure what changed, I thought we had a great time Friday. If you don't want to talk to me anymore I understand but it's kind of messed up to just ignore someone and not tell them you aren't interested anymore. I liked you and I thought we could have gotten to know each other better and dated some more. But if you've changed your mind at least me know and I'll leave you alone

 

(Wednesday Morning)

 

her: I was sleeping, I've been exhausted. Not ignoring you but I think at this point, it's clearer to me that I don't really have the time to be able to pursue anything with anyone. It's not fair to you at all.

 

me: Okay. I do appreciate you getting back to me. If I could also ask if there was anything about me that turned you off, would be some great feedback Lol minus the angry text. But if something about our date turned you off and changed your mind it would be good to know for the future. But thanks again

Again..... I know I'm rambling, but really wanted to say I'm sorry for the angryish text, felt bad after I sent it too harsh lol been stressed out with school etc. I hope you get the well deserved break

 

her: I think you're sweet and a great guy. The date was good, don't worry. But perhaps next time you kiss a girl, just go for it. No need for a lead in. You are a good kisser after all. And perhaps ease up on contact afterwards. A girl needs to be ignored a little bit (it's ****ed up, I know but true). But then again I'm sure others love the contact but personally I'm pretty busy so I can't do that.

 

me: Hmmm.... I see... Lol...women! I'm really..really glad you've been so honest and thank you . Well yeah I feel bad ignoring people sometimes esp women I like lol. Truth be told I know you said you're pretty busy, but I never realized how busy it can get for med students. I'm also usually much more calmer about the whole contact thing but I guess like I freaked out going "wth happened I thought we had fun im positive she liked me so what gives" after not hearing from you for a few days. I know this may be a stretch and I know we hardly know each other but I'd be okay dating a busy person and not talking as frequently. I'll know there just busy or tired. If my shenanigans haven't completely turned you off, I'd be okay with trying to date a busy doctor cough sugar moma (inside joke between us) The less frequent contact won't bother me. but yeah I do like you, lol so maybe we can try and give it go now that I know you've got a really busy life , but don't feel pressured either way I'll understand.

 

her: Haha. Well I think it's best just not to pursue anything even less talk/dates. It just doesn't make sense for where I am right now in terms of mindset. And not fair to you.

 

me: I understand where you're coming from and respect your decision. Thanks for being so candid/honest, I really like that about you, most peeps are not as grounded as you are. At least from my end, I know if I really liked a woman, (nice butt etc. lolz) I'd find a way to adjust dating a busy person. I think what's "fair" to a person is kind of fluid so it changes as you get to know the person, and what was important before isn't and vice versa. But yeah I'd be okay if someone was uber busy and couldn't talk for a week or more id accept it kind of like when you get a packaged deal and you get Hagen daz and Brussels sprouts together lol. Side note, won't lie I was kinda looking forward to teaching you how to dance the salsa and fully expecting you'd get shy and do that little shy, looking down smile girls do when they want a dude to lead. I'd come to save the day with my awesome swag grab your hand and do the spin moves on you. Haha. But yeah I know youre busy gal and it can be tough trying to date and focus on school. Well if you change your mind and think you can swing it, dating the awesomeness that is me, let me know. Wish you good luck

 

(no response after this)

 

-------------

 

I know I messed up, I know its obvious what I did wrong, I pushed her away, I scared her with my antics. Her reaction is 100% reasonable, I just couldn't help myself at the time. Something I need to work on.

 

Now is there anything I can do to fix this? I really did like her, and she was different than the rest, and thus if maybe id be willing to try. Im really upset at myself that I let my insecurities mess this up. I had it going well and I'm just frustrated that my weakness got in the way.

 

I was thinking a month from now, that I send her a simple text, saying "hey whats up, hows school, still think about you from time to time." Or something to that effect.

 

If i dont get a response, then its whatever

 

Anyway thanks

Edited March 6, 2014 by Fj45

[J21]

Med students are notorious for not being good bf/gf. There is a whole forum about dating them.

 

My friend is dating one and it isn't my ideal relationship to say the least.

 

Honestly dude... I know you had high expectations as the first date sounded awesome... but just leave this be. You really cant salvage this in my honest and humble opinion.

 

She already let u know she wasn't interested. Yes, she mentioned it was her being busy, but when it comes down to it: you're either interested or you're not. You've already offered if she changes her mind to let u know--so there is not much more u can do than that.

 

Just take what u can out of it and learn from it.

 

Definitely CHILL next time.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

she wants to chase u buddy... if u want any chance of repairing this u HAVE to walk away now x Im the same I like to equally chase... Id have been a bit freaked by getting those messages too... she was into u and shes tried to tell u.... now walk away and there are two outcomes that will happen... she will chase u or u will meet someone else whilst waiting (get back out there!)... x DO NOT contact her again xx good luck xx

[ChatroomHero]

Yeah, it doesn't seem there is much you can do. I think you annoyed her and her telling you she is too busy to date (after going on a date with you and proposing another date mind you), was a nice way of backing out.

 

 

If you reach out to her in a month or so you probably won't get a response and she will think stalker. Any "fixing" you try to do would probably make it exponentially worse.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP, but she's not interested. I think she was trying to let you down gently by telling you she's busy and that so much contact isn't a good thing for her. I agree with a couple other posters who said that this doesn't seem too fixable. Chalk it up to a learning experience for you and move on.

 

In future, ease up on the texts/messages and calls afterward. Keep them much shorter too. Your messages come across as insecure, rambling and too long-winded; try to limit that. Create a little mystery about yourself and don't let your thoughts spill all over the screen. The right girl will come along.

[Sivok]

Sounds to me like she didn't enjoy the date anywhere near as much as you did. Were you perhaps too in your head as to how YOU were feeling and not necessarily observing her reactions?

 

General advice - send out one call or one txt, and wait until she reciprocates. There's no such thing as 'forgetting' or being 'way too busy' to get back to someone that you're into - that's just bull****.

 

Also - I'm going to be blunt with you. Your paragraphs of texts to her made me cringe. The entire time I was going through them I was practically yelling out loud going 'no, no, nooooo... Come on man'.

 

I'm going to tell it to you straight - You came off as REALLY needy and desperate. She is never going to contact you again. You shouldn't either.

 

Want my suggestion? Work on those insecurities. Search online, do self-help, pick up a good book or two, maybe seek therapy... But as long as those insecurities exist, you absolutely won't be able to hide them once you feel emotionally attracted to someone.

[Fj45]

Thanks guys

 

So general consensus seems don't bother contacting her, because ship is sunk and too far gone.

 

Yeah, I know her being too busy argument was an easy way to let me down for being so needy and stupid. I realized it right after and felt so dumb, because truth is that I know better than sending long messages and sounding so desperate. I know that the contacting and messaging was a red flag and drove her away.

 

At least I know better that If I'm feeling needy or clingy, I know enough to hide it.

 

I'm not sure why I suddenly got so clingy, and just let it fly, it was weird.

 

Im upset that I ruined something that might have been more, for making mistakes I know I shouldn't be, regardless of how i feel.

[Sivok]

Thanks guys

 

So general consensus seems don't bother contacting her, because ship is sunk and too far gone.

 

Yeah, I know her being too busy argument was an easy way to let me down for being so needy and stupid. I realized it right after and felt so dumb, because truth is that I know better than sending long messages and sounding so desperate. I know that the contacting and messaging was a red flag and drove her away.

 

At least I know better that If I'm feeling needy or clingy, I know enough to hide it.

 

I'm not sure why I suddenly got so clingy, and just let it fly, it was weird.

 

Im upset that I ruined something that might have been more, for making mistakes I know I shouldn't be, regardless of how i feel.

How often do you date? It sounds like you have trouble with 'oneitis' - where you immediately attach yourself to a new courtship and imagine them as being your perfect match... When in reality you don't know them all that well.

 

Multi-dating does help resolve this

[mammasita]

You didn't do anything wrong. If her interest level were high enough, days.....no hours, wouldn't have gone by without a word.

 

I don't usually blow off someone I'm really into.....you make time no matter what.

[Fj45]

How often do you date? It sounds like you have trouble with 'oneitis' - where you immediately attach yourself to a new courtship and imagine them as being your perfect match... When in reality you don't know them all that well.

 

Multi-dating does help resolve this

 

 

Well not as often as I'd like.

 

But the past few dates I've had, I really didn't feel anything for the person once they started talking.

 

I know I got stuck on her, because there where so many positive things from the few times that we spoke that I gleaned about her, sense of humor, her family background, what she wanted etc.

 

 

That I built this huge expectation that everything would work out, and we'd be dating regularly and thought I "had it in the bag" sort of speak.

[Sivok]

I think it's awesome that you're very aware of your thought process - that's HUGE! Alot of people can't self-assess like you just did - which means you definitely will take a lesson away from this interaction. Best of luck, man!

[Fj45]

I think it's awesome that you're very aware of your thought process - that's HUGE! Alot of people can't self-assess like you just did - which means you definitely will take a lesson away from this interaction. Best of luck, man!

 

Thanks man, appreciate the kind words.

 

If I did contact her a month from now, it would probably be even worse I'm assuming and make me look stalkerish and the chance of her being receptive are nil correct?

 

In the back of mind I have this stupid little voice that says that she'd forget about it and be "hey whats up etc"

[J21]

Thanks man, appreciate the kind words.

 

If I did contact her a month from now, it would probably be even worse I'm assuming and make me look stalkerish and the chance of her being receptive are nil correct?

 

In the back of mind I have this stupid little voice that says that she'd forget about it and be "hey whats up etc"

Definitely do not do this.

 

You already told her if she changes her mind to contact you; she got the message, you're into her--following up in a month will absolutely make you look crazy.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't even read the posts . . . just the times. OMG! I would have run screaming not been as nice as she was.

 

 

You need a guy version of the Book The Rules. It's pop psychology but it's really about boundaries & self worth & not chasing after people.

 

 

One text the morning after is fine. But then you have to stop for at least 24 hours to give the other person a chance to respond. It's kind of game playing but you need this . . . . don't respond right away. Wait an hour or so. You need to learn to put the brakes on.

 

 

After 2-3 days go by, pick up the phone & call. Then ask for the 2nd date.

 

 

Between when you get a yes to the 2nd date & the date itself you can have 1 interaction per day: text, call, FB chat, email etc. Just learn to slow down.

[ExpatInItaly]

Definitely do not do this.

 

You already told her if she changes her mind to contact you; she got the message, you're into her--following up in a month will absolutely make you look crazy.

 

Agreed. She knows how to contact you if she wants to. Do not send her any more messages.

[soccerrprp]

I'm not sure why I suddenly got so clingy, and just let it fly, it was weird.

 

You put her on a pedestal. I could be wrong, of course, but she was attractive, fun, affectionate, AND A MED STUDENT. You looked at her as the ultimate prize and became anxious. Have you done this before with other women? Probably not, huh? The other women were not MED students...ah, the awesomeness of being with a hot, loving doctor....ah.

[Janesays]

You sunk this ship with a torpedo, then doubled back and dropped some dynamite on it and finished it off with a couple of grenades.

 

Do not contact her again. You can't fix this. The only possible thing you'll get from this woman in the future is a restraining order. Instead learn and move on.

[WP4046]

She is having sex with another dude, happens to everyone. All you can do is move on

 

 

BTW: No girl is supposed to be giggling while making out

[WP4046]

Sounds to me like she didn't enjoy the date anywhere near as much as you did. Were you perhaps too in your head as to how YOU were feeling and not necessarily observing her reactions?

 

General advice - send out one call or one txt, and wait until she reciprocates. There's no such thing as 'forgetting' or being 'way too busy' to get back to someone that you're into - that's just bull****.

 

Also - I'm going to be blunt with you. Your paragraphs of texts to her made me cringe. The entire time I was going through them I was practically yelling out loud going 'no, no, nooooo... Come on man'.

 

I'm going to tell it to you straight - You came off as REALLY needy and desperate. She is never going to contact you again. You shouldn't either.

 

Want my suggestion? Work on those insecurities. Search online, do self-help, pick up a good book or two, maybe seek therapy... But as long as those insecurities exist, you absolutely won't be able to hide them once you feel emotionally attracted to someone.

 

 

Yeah the OP was too Thirtsty

[Zippy2000]

If I could also ask if there was anything about me that turned you off, would be some great feedback Lol minus the angry text. But if something about our date turned you off and changed your mind it would be good to know for the future. But thanks again

 

 

That to me just screams insecurity asking someone what turns them off.

[lollipopspot]

A smartphone isn't doing you any favors. You need a flip phone that it's really hard to text on. I'm serious - the technology made it too easy for you to have texting diarrhea.

 

You need to control yourself. Your texts made it seem that you don't have much going on in your life and you were obsessing on a reaction from her.

 

Get more going on in your life so that you're not desperate for contact. I understand it, I've been there. But you need to work on yourself because those texts and calls were a turn off.

[JungleLover]

Just simply to make a point, I have to say that it was really tough to read that whole original post OP, I could only get halfway and skim a little of the rest of the post.

 

She was probably deciding if you were worth another date in the future but you made up her mind for her.

 

I think the lessons that can be learned from your date and interactions with this woman could be overwhelming. So if there is one thing I would encourage you to take from this experience is to simply not send a followup text message or voicemail if someone doesn't respond to the previous one. Never ever forget that one.

 

They got the message and if for some reason you don't think they received the message then if someone is really into you she would contact you.

 

Don't kick yourself about this. You pick these things up by being out there. Whenever you are in this situation again, think of this experience.

[Janesays]

What did he do to earn a restraining order? I've done the same as him or worse. Get so few dates and I got overly excited. Same result.

 

Nothing yet. But if he keeps contacting her after she made it clear that she isn't interested, a girl can get frightened. It's time for him to back off and leave her alone.

[J21]

Just a curious question for the ladies:

 

IF the girl was into him, would she still respond back and be interested after being all clingy like this?

[lollipopspot]

Just a curious question for the ladies:

 

IF the girl was into him, would she still respond back and be interested after being all clingy like this?

 

It's individual, and females aren't different than males.

 

Ask yourself, Would you be into a girl who did what this guy did? If yes, then that's your individual preference, but most guys probably wouldn't want that level of insecurity that fast either.